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Originally Posted by Korban
Forward to March 2010, after having attended counselling sessions both at Church and at the Marriage counsellor, things seemed to have started having a positive turn. We were not there yet, but there was commitment from both myself and my wife to work on the marriage. On this particular day, a very innocent argument arose and before long it went out of control and it ended with me hitting my wife after she told me to grow up.

In both instances I realise my wrong and have apologised for them, though it seems that I lost the good will that had started. I realise that I am to blame for the most of the rot and mess as I clearly made some horrible choices instead of sticking it out and working with my wife when she needed me most, but quite frankly my needs were not being met.
Why did you hit her?

Have you hit her or been rough with her at any other time?

Hitting your wife during "the rebuilding phase" not long after she learns of your 4 years of multiple affairs is extraordinary behaviour.


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a very innocent argument arose and before long it went out of control and it ended with me hitting my wife after she told me to grow up.

If you were married to my daughter, I'd tell her to leave you, and NEVER look back.

You can be as "sorry" as you want, but you have little or zero self control.
And THAT makes YOU dangerous to be around.


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but quite frankly my needs were not being met


MrRollieEyes ... REALLY ?... MrRollieEyes

You want to complain about your unmet needs?
AND you strike your woman in anger?

Yes, if my daughter were married to you, I'd move heaven and earth to get her away from a man who cheated on her and THEN hit her.
mad




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*link* To Dr Harley's comments about DOMESTIC VIOLENCE


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I believe that everyone who is ever hit by a spouse should file a criminal report for assault. They should also tell all their friends and family about it. Those who are able to control their tempers, control it pretty quickly when they are faced with incarceration and public scrutiny.


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I believe that everyone who is ever hit by a spouse should file a criminal report for assault. They should also tell all their friends and family about it. Those who are able to control their tempers, control it pretty quickly when they are faced with incarceration and public scrutiny.


Well said Dr. H, well said.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thank you all for the suggestions and the reprimand. What I can say is that if I didnt want HELP, I wouldnt be here and wouldn't have revealed all when I did.
I acknowledge that I did wrong on both the occasions and am already seeking help with regarding Anger management.
The hitting incident was the first one that I've ever committed and to say that am sorry would be an understatement. I feel so much anguish at what I did and know that deep down that I can NEVER repeat the same.

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Originally Posted by Korban
My questions really are 2 fold, how do I go about getting the goodwill that was there before to continue working on the marriage, and what should I expect during the rebuilding phase. I love my wife and dont want to lose her.

The thing is, you already know what actions destroy your wife's love for you.
Step one, is to stop doing those things, and never do them again ... for any reason.

The other thing is, your wife now has the valid option of divorce.
She has the right to determine if she will remain married to you.
Her choices are complicated. Your choices are much simpler.

YOU work on yourself.
You do the good, and the right, and the loving thing, every day, no matter what. No matter how "hard" it is. No matter how much she doesn't take your changes into consideration.

You do the right thing(s) because they are the right things to do. NOT to seek reward. I very much sense an attitude in you that you are anticipating some show of appreciation or reward from your wife. Forget about it.
You BE good because you want to be a good man, not because you want to impress your hurting wife.

You screw other women and you hit your wife.
Now, what woman wants to put that on her husband's resume?

Your wife's decision is complicated by the fact that in order to remain married to a man who cheats on her (multiple times) and hits her (one time) requires her to lower her standards.

She may not want to lower her standards to stay with you.
Regardless of the love she may still hold for you.

You have placed yourself under the "Very risky man" category, and she might choose to not take that risk.

I hope this helps.



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In regards to your past bad behaviors ...

Here is something I can recommend you do.

Go to your wife's family, and confess everything you have done.
The multiple sexual betrayals. And the time you hit her.

After you confess, do not ask for their forgiveness.
Instead, tell them:

"I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to make things right for BW."

It's too too annoying when someone makes a horrible confession, then, right away ASKS to be forgiven.
Please, don't make that mistake.
When someone does this ~~~> "I confessed, now forgive me please" approach .... it means the confession was done to get your reward of forgiveness.
Nooo

It will be up to your wife's family to decide if/when they choose to forgive the man who hurt their daughter/sister.

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Korban, do you frequently look at porn?

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Pep, I'm just going to step back and admire your responses.
Korban you are VERY LUCKY to have Pepperband posting to you.
Read what she posts slowly, and repeatedly.

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cool Thanks Turtlehead.
My guess is, he doesn't feel so lucky faint .... picked on, maybe. Lucky? We shall see. wink

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@Pepperband
Thanks for your incredible insight. I can say I have learned a few things here that I honestly didnt know and have a different perspective about others. It has been an eye opener. I would like some clarification in some of your comments though and answer your question below :-
1. You do the right thing(s) because they are the right things to do. NOT to seek reward. I very much sense an attitude in you that you are anticipating some show of appreciation or reward from your wife. Forget about it.
You BE good because you want to be a good man, not because you want to impress your hurting wife. - Explain why this is wrong.
2. Korban, do you frequently look at porn? - Used to, not any more.
3. Revealing to the my Wife's family - I have talked to some members of her family and informed them the whole history. They are some we havent informed as per my BS's request.

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@Sugarcane
Why did you hit her? - It was a spur of the moment thing, in the heat of the argument. I dont justify the action and I feel very horrible about it.

Have you hit her or been rough with her at any other time? - Never hit her before.

Hitting your wife during "the rebuilding phase" not long after she learns of your 4 years of multiple affairs is extraordinary behaviour. - I agree and it shocked me as well. Not to try and justify the action, but at the time I felt that she had crossed the line. Even though I was wrong, it didnt give her the right to belittle me. Am sure she has arguments with other people all the time but she doesnt belittle them. Again, am not trying to justify my actions and am really so sorry about it.

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Originally Posted by Korban
1. You do the right thing(s) because they are the right things to do. NOT to seek reward. I very much sense an attitude in you that you are anticipating some show of appreciation or reward from your wife. Forget about it.
You BE good because you want to be a good man, not because you want to impress your hurting wife. - Explain why this is wrong.

I don't want to put words into Pep's mouth and I expect she'll respond herself as soon as she has time, but I wanted to comment on this from my own perspective, because to me this is a very key concept of being married.

You do the right things because YOU want to be a good person.
Because you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are.
Because you value your integrity and know it cannot be bought, or faked; you know integrity is valuable beyond price and it must be painfully earned and maintained.

When you act with integrity in order to impress someone else, you are looking to external factors for reward/punishment of your behavior. This is a really bad idea.

Imagine:
- You do something really hard for you, and really great (in your eyes) to impress your wife.
- She's distracted, or doesn't realize how much effort it took, or whatever you did wasn't as important to her as it was to you, or she's overtired, or she's coming down with the flu... and for whatever reason, she doesn't reward your grand gesture.
- Now you resent her, and you're angry.
- Now you are likely to adopt an attitude of "Why do I even bother?" or worse yet, "To hell with her!"
- At that point, you have lost all progress and destroyed your integrity.

You do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing. Not because of what anyone else thinks or says or does. People are fickle. They are a poor barometer. Do not use them to gauge your actions.

Last edited by turtlehead; 04/23/10 09:51 AM.
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Originally Posted by turtlehead
Imagine:
- You do something really hard for you, and really great (in your eyes) to impress your wife.
- She's distracted, or doesn't realize how much effort it took, or whatever you did wasn't as important to her as it was to you, or she's overtired, or she's coming down with the flu... and for whatever reason, she doesn't reward your grand gesture.
- Now you resent her, and you're angry.
- Now you are likely to adopt an attitude of "Why do I even bother?" or worse yet, "To hell with her!"
- At that point, you have lost all progress and destroyed your integrity.

You do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing. Not because of what anyone else thinks or says or does. People are fickle. They are a poor barometer. Do not use them to gauge your actions.

Yeppers. This is why.

And I will add one more thing.

Korban, you have a history that taints your judgment and taints your value system.

Riddle me this:

WHEN is "doing the right thing" most important?

1. When someone is looking?

2. When no one is looking?



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Of course when no one is looking.. Because that points to your character..
One other thing, Not that I disagree about what you and Turtlehead say, but where does the affirmation come in.. When I do something good and someone affirms me, am bound to repeat the good gesture.. Isnt affirmation one of humans needs as well ?


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Originally Posted by Korban
Isnt affirmation one of humans needs as well ?


Sure.
Is your need for affirmation more important to you than your desire to repair your marriage?

Do you think your need for admiration will be an effective tool to help rebuild your marriage?

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Your wife's love bank balance, right now is, in the minus.
Is it not?

Let's say you do "good gesture ABC" .... and this makes her love bank deficit slightly less. You're still running negative numbers.

You get no "atta-good-boy" from your wife, because her love balance remains dangerously in the RED.

Are you gonna quit doing the right thing because you did not get a cookie?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having said that, if I were posting to your wife, I would give her a different point of view. But, I am posting to YOU, not to her.


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Morning Pepperband, have been out of email for the weekend and wasnt able to respond to you earlier. In response, allow me to say this, it doesnt mean that if I dont get affirmed, then I will not work hard towards repairing my marriage. Am just saying once in a while a positive word will encourage me and spur me on. It does not meant that if I dont get the affirmation, then I slack off from doing the good thing.

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@Pepperband,
Are you gonna quit doing the right thing because you did not get a cookie? - To be honest over the last several months I have become discouraged and thought ideas about quitting it all. However, I have reminded my self that its not about getting a reward, its just basically Loving my wife as I love myself. Am sure you could be asking, how come this is happening now and not when I was having the affairs ? The truth is I dont know. Its not like I didnt know this before, I guess I was just blinded by my selfishness and greed.
Dont know if you a Christian, but the book of Ephesians summarises this very well, in chapter 5 :-
Eph 5:25 - 30,
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church� 30for we are members of his body.

I just hope one day, I will get the opportunity to stand and say, here is the my wife that I have LOVED and CARED for..

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Anyone care to offer some advise..|??

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