I�m hoping to get some good advice here. I�ve been lurking for a couple of months now and have read everything on this site. I�ve also ordered and read SAA & still reading His needs Her needs. This is a little long..sorry about that.

My WH and I�ve been together 13 years and married for 10. We don�t have and children, just dogs. He�s 45 and I�m 37. The middle of January, my WH was fired from his job because of this other women. Both my WH and I work for the same place, she doesn�t work with us. Let�s just say he wasn�t doing what he was supposed to be doing during work hours.

Right after he was let go he left for the weekend, I couldn�t get a hold of him at all. I completely panicked since he has never left home overnight. He then came home and told me to move out because he �needed space�. I obliged. The following days I did try to investigate and came up with some good stuff, but I did everything wrong in the book. I told him every time I found out something new which pushed him further underground. He has his own Pay by phone now, his own computer which is password protected and our truck which I don�t have spare keys for that is locked all the time. One thing that I did do correct was expose to everyone that we knew. We live in a smaller community, so the word got around quickly.

After a month of living with my relatives and finding this site, I decided to move home pretty much without his permission. Let�s just say he reluctantly agreed. We did pretty well for the first month and I truly tried to plan A him as good as I could. We went away on the weekends together and had a pretty good time. Then I made a pretty bad mistake and totally LB him. I got extremely angry one evening because he came home late and really couldn�t tell me about his day. He ended up getting a hotel room that night (3 weeks ago) and didn�t come home for a week. We had a vacation scheduled for the following week and he did finally show up for that. I figured this would be my last week to Plan A him and then when we came home I would go into Plan B.

So, when we came home last Sunday, on our way home he told me �I don�t want a committed relationship right now, but I want you.� He also said �he didn�t want me with anyone else�. I told him that I couldn�t do that and I needed him to move out when we got home. Once we got home, he immediately got some of his stuff and left. Silly me I didn�t have the plan B letter all written out. I had the rough draft, but not the final. He did tell me that he will come to the house during the day while I�m at work and work on the house, so I finished the letter and left it on the counter for him.

So this is where I�m at today� He has tried to text me daily and calls me (which I haven�t picked up or responded). He does not want to go through my IM at all.

Continued....

These are the text and timeline since Sunday.

Sunday Apr, 18th:

Text: Where are you?

Monday Apr 19th:

Nothing

Tuesday Apr 20th:

Text: Where are you?

He tried to call at midnight.

Wednesday Apr 21st:

Text: Are you at least going to dinner with me on my bday? I know you don�t want me anymore, I just don�t know what I am doing anymore

I then had my IM text him �please read letter on counter, it explains it all�

Text: Ok I don�t want to communicate with your mother I want u and I don�t think it is any of their business.

Text: I am going to have to come home sooner or later, I called u last night to talk to u but u were not home or didn�t want to answer.

I then had my IM text him �please refer to letter on the counter, Also BS prefers you don�t come home now�

Text: ok I am coming home and I will be living there till the house sells. I will be working on the house so I will be living there.

Text: I WANT TO COME HOME!!! My batt is dead

Text: Where are you?

Thursday Apr 22nd:

Text: U must have found someone else that�s the only reason u r not talking to me. We need to figure out what u want to do with the stuff in the house, I don�t want to.

I had my IM text �please refer to letter, there is a way back if u choose�

Then he tried to call

Text: I just wanted u to know that I do love you but need to find a way we can be together without anger. I don�t want you with no one else and I�m not going to be with anyone else. I want to come home but I don�t want to fight or yell, I can�t do this anymore I am losing my mind.

Also, let me add that he has been home every day during the day to see if I�ve been there. When I got home yesterday, he cleaned up the house. Put some of his workout stuff in the middle of our living room. Put a picture of him and me in front of our TV. Folded my clothes that I had in the dryer. Took the garbage out?????

Then last night at 12:30am he showed up while I was sleeping. Came into the bedroom and woke me up asking me if I have anyone else. I told him no. He sat down next to me and looked me straight into my eyes and started kissing me lightly on the lips. He then asked me again if I�m seeing anyone else. I again told him �no�. He then put his hand on my face and just stared at me. I asked him if he read the letter, he told me he tried the first day, but the first few lines brought tears to his eyes so he stopped. He said but I read it today..(not sure if I believe him or not). He then asked me if I�m seeing anyone else. I said �no�. He said you promise? I said �yes�. He then said �while I will let you get back to sleep�. He hesitated to leave and came over and kissed me again. He then got up hesitantly and left.

I texted him this morning and said �WH, please respect my wishes and do not come and see me unless you are willing to do everything in the letter. I have to have peace in my head. That�s all I will say.�

Now I�m back to being completely dark.

Any advice? What do you think he is doing?

1) Change the locks.

2) Block his texts, his emails, his phone calls, everything. If you are in Plan B, you should not be seeing or hearing any of that stuff.

3) CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!

You are not dark if he has daily access to your home. He is getting his home fix every time he is there. Change the locks or ask for his keys back. Oh and welcome to MB!

Yah, your right, I may have to change the locks. I just feel so bad doing that.

Why do you feel bad? HE'S the one having an A, not you.

It makes no sense to go into Plan B and then feel badly about any part of it.

Half-*ss Plan B's are a disaster 100% of the time. He aleady doesn't take you seriously because you are not holding strong to "do not contact me unless you are ready to end your A".

My suggestion is to get back to an airtight, pitch black Plan B. Do not allow any cracks for him to contact you. And yes, change the locks ASAP. He's cake-eating and you're allowing it.

Yes, welcome to MB! Tons of great support and advice here, please listen, learn and implement. Your M can be saved but it won't be by chance.

Has this affair been exposed? Who is the OW? What is the status on his affair?

So is it cake eating when I'm allowing him to still come in the home even though he has no contact otherwise?

Also, this is a hard day, because it's the OW's birthday.

Yes the affair has been exposed. I have a good feel on who the other woman is, but I'm not 100% sure. I was VERY bad during the first part of my investigation and gave away to much. He's very good at staying underground. I'm now to the point that I'm done investigating..it's eating at me too much. If it's the person I believe to be, then it's her birtday today..ugh!!

I'm not sure what the status of the affair is. He won't tell me anything about it. Just keeps telling me it's not an affair, and he hasn't had one.

This is the most powerful weapon you have. If you find out who it is and confirm the affair, you can expose the affair to everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy so this would be the most powerful weapon you have in your arsenal. You won't be able to save your marriage until you kill the affair. Exposing it to the light of day will kill it faster than anything.

Don't ask him anything, just find out the truth on your own. Follow him, get photos, get hard evidence. Then come back here and we can help you make a strategic exposure. THAT is your best chance at saving your marriage.

I have tried to follow, tried to get pictures. He's very, very good at what he does. I've exposed to everyone that we both know..(friends & family)not her's though. I feel my only bet is to hire a PI, but I don't have the money now.

That might be something that has to wait. I'm emotionally tired and really need to try and take a break from all of this investigative work. That's why I needed to go into Plan B because I needed that break. I could feel my love for WH draining and I needed to get out of the emotional toll it was taking on me.

YES - MissDF, you don't seem to be clear on Plan B. Plan B means you have NO contact with him at all. You don't see him, you don't talk to him, you don't call him or text him or email him.

NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND.

If he's in your house in the evenings, you are not in Plan B and you will only send the message that you're not serious about his ending the affair.

If you tell him, "Don't contact me unless you've ended your affair" and then you still talk to him and still let him in the house, all you've done is teach him that you are a doormat and he can walk all over you anytime he wants and STILL have both his wife and his girlfriend.



Plan B would protect you from having nasty crap like this rubbed in your face.

Plan B does not mean you simply tell the WS that you want him to get rid of the OP and if he doesn't, well . . . you do nothing.

Plan B means you cut off ALL contact with him until he does.

I am not sure what you thought Plan B meant, since you say you are in it but then post about how you've seen him and talked to him - ?

MissDrnfly, what have you exposed if you are not even sure WHO the OW is?

Well, I haven't seen or talked to him. He has a key to get in the door and came in last night. He hasn't come over at all in the evenings until last night. He's been showing up during the day while I'm at work. I've been ignoring all text & calls. I do realize I need to block all of that and change the locks on the door.

Also, he hasn't rubbed her bday in my face, I just know by looking up her name through Intel..although, I'm still not sure if it's her or not, even though I'm pretty sure.

I guess your right on the exposure. He is pretty well known in our town. So everyone knows what he did, also everyone at work. He's pretty humilated at himself. Is going through some type of depression, constantly says he doesn't know what he's doing with himself. He won't talk with our friends or family at all. He's been pretty much a loner since all this broke out. He's such a proud man too. Gosh, why did he do this??

He did it because his brain has now moved below the belt and there is blood only for one head and he is using the wrong one.
You need to find out who the OW is. I know you are drained, believe me I know exactly how you feel. But finding out who she is is vital for you M. After that your homework is done. Then is up to H to end A and recommit.
blessing

Well, I guess I have some more to do. I'm just so drained at doing it. It's such a hard day today too.

I'm not sure why so many text's and calls and why show up in the middle of the night? What is with all his messages? I know I shouldn't be receiving them, but is this normal? Should I get my hopes up?

Also, why would be willing to take all those weekends and vacations with me during my Plan A? I guess I'm trying to hang onto any hope I can get.

MissDf, he sends all those texts and makes all those calls and goes with you on all those weekends and vacations because he's hoping he can string you along and have both a wife AND a girlfriend.

And it's working.

Do you like being part of his harem? Because that's what he wants and he's doing his best to manipulate you into going along with that.

Plan B is meant to shield you from such emotional abuse.

Because you still meet the majority of his ENs, more than likely. OW can't meet them all.

You should hang on - I see potential for you to recover your M.