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Ive been with my wife for 12 years, 2 years married. No kids. In Feb I found she had been having an affair. I was utterly surprised and gutted, but realised I hadnt been meeting all her emotional needs. She thought I didnt love her when I do, completely! She has since stopped properly seeing the guy, only at work, but she says she loves him and wants to be with him and doesnt know which way to go. Me or him. Since finding out Ive been the best possible husband I can be although we dont even kiss (she doesnt want to). I keep giving and getting nothing back. We still laugh together as friends, but she still wants to be with the other guy. She now wants to separate to have 'space to think' but it sounds like the end to me. I've tried to persuade her to stay and give up her job but she cant. Its just too good. So, Im kinda being forced into a plan b situation - but does it ever work???? Im so tired of feeling sad and acting happy :-(
(ME) BS - 32
(HER) WW - 32
Married 05/17/08
Together 13Yrs
no kids
D-Day - 03/03/10 (PA+EA)
FULL exposure 4/29/10
NC around OCT 2010
Recovery failing....
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Have you been to marriage counseling?
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I don't recall seeing a case where separation works. I do recall seeing cases where plan B has worked. I assume you realize there is a difference between the two.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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Is OM married?
What's their work relationship?
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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If they work together your M is not going to recover I am sorry to say. Her contact with OM must stop and that includes working together.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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As stated above: As long as your wife is still working with the OM, there is no way your marriage will ever recover.
Does separation to give a cheating spouse "space" ever work? Yes, it does. It works extremely well to let the two cheaters spend lots of good quality time together and enjoy their cheating without any pesky spouses getting in the way. And it works extremely well to destroy what's left of the marriage.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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She now wants to separate to have 'space to think' but it sounds like the end to me. I've tried to persuade her to stay and give up her job but she cant. Its just too good. So, Im kinda being forced into a plan b situation - but does it ever work???? Im so tired of feeling sad and acting happy :-(
:-( That would work well for her AFFAIR and lead you closer to divorce but it wouldn't work for your marriage. If you separate, would you be moving out? That would make it much easier for the OM to move in and take your place. The reason your wife wants some "space" is so she can carry on her affair more easily. If you cooperate, it will mean the end of your marriage. See, your wife is high on an affair and is pursuing the destruction of your marriage. If you cooperate with her you will not endear yourself, you will only end up with a destroyed marriage. Now, if you want to save your marriage on the other hand, I would suggest a very aggressive Plan A where you expose the affair to everyone: the OM's wife, his family, her family, your family, your children, her employer. You should be causing as much conflict as possible in the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so exposure is ruinous. Causing as much conflict as possible in the affair will hasten its death. An affair is an addiction so exposing it like bringing in a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It is no fun to get high when everyone is standing around watching with disgust on their faces. Secondly, if your wife wants to get some "space" [how cute] be a gentleman and clean out a corner of your garage for her. Put a nice lawn chair and a sleeping bag down for her.  But whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT A COURT ORDER AND A SHERIFF WITH A BIG GUN. Tell her she is free to leave if she chooses, but she cannot take the kids without a court order. Be as polite as possible. And be sure and tell her that if this goes to any divorce action that you will countersue on grounds adultery and have the OM hauled into court to give testimony under oath. Let her know you will fight to maintain full custody and possession of the house. She is more likely to move to divorce if she thinks you will bend over and take it. And lastly, after you expose the affair, you should give a call or visit to the OM and ask him his intentions. Your wife is probably lying to him about her marital status and you can set him straight. Let him know you will fight for your marriage and that there is no future in an affair. He will be eternally hated by your in-laws and your children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A The carrot of Plan A Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs. Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be. Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage. Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking. Stop lovebusting behaviors. Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel. Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to. Remaining open to the possibility of recovery. Offering forgiveness and understanding. The stick of Plan A Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth. Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way. Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused. Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous. Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous. Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders. Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does separation to give a cheating spouse "space" ever work? Yes, it does. It works extremely well to let the two cheaters spend lots of good quality time together and enjoy their cheating without any pesky spouses getting in the way. And it works extremely well to destroy what's left of the marriage . Mulan, what you described above is plan B. Now some WS will realize that the space they have to spend with OP is getting tighter and tighter and that OP is not this incredible fantasy as they thought. They miss their spouse and come to realize that their M was much better than what the A gives them. Others will continue the A because they find that what they have with OP is better than what they had in their M. Blessing
atena
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Okay, I should have made this clearer:
In Plan B, there is NO contact of any kind between the BS and the WS.
In "Plan Separation To Give the WS Some Space" - which we often see asked about here - the BS meekly allows the WS to move out (or worse, the BS moves out) but still stays in contact with the WS and still is a part of their life whenever the WS wants something or decides to throw them a crumb. This WILL destroy the marriage.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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The difference between Plan B and your typical "separation" is that Plan B is only initiated after everything has been tried. The typical separation is usually entered when NOTHING HAS BEEN TRIED. In this case, virtually nothing has been tried except alot of enabling.
Plan B is the last resort after a good Plan A that includes nuclear exposure. The risk of divorce in Plan B is high, so it is very important to do a good Plan A [not LONG, but a good one] before one goes dark.
Going into Plan B without even trying to bust up the affair or resolve the problems in the marriage is very, very risky.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In "Plan Separation To Give the WS Some Space" - which we often see asked about here - the BS meekly allows the WS to move out (or worse, the BS moves out) but still stays in contact with the WS and still is a part of their life whenever the WS wants something or decides to throw them a crumb. This WILL destroy the marriage. Mulan, that's twice today I have been composing a response only to find you already did in nearly the exact words. I even used the word meekly. And mine finished as "whenever the WS wants something like to borrow your car.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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chrisner, yours was better! And the weather has been rather strange here over the Island of Misfit Toys today. Maybe that explains it!
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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The other was on that Affairage thread but I won't be returning there.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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I cant remember who wrote the original of this sorry. If anyone knows please credit it to them "We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.
Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.
So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"
First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.
2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.
3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.
4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.
Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.
Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.
Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.
Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.
Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.
Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"
Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.
If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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 Oh wow, lildoggie, that's just PRICELESS!!!! I'd print it and give it to WH only it might be taken as an insult... 
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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No,no, WH would not even recognize that that's himself...they are way too thick.
blessing
atena
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I cant remember who wrote the original of this sorry. If anyone knows please credit it to them
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If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. Unfortunately there is always a tramp, either male or female, who is willing to be with them. But it is a tramp and if they are happy with that....that's what they deserve. Even here in Italy the D rate is skyrocketing and people living together without M are more and more. The Pope is shaking in his boots blessing
atena
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Thanks for all the comments, it really helps. I have since discovered that my wife has a secret second email address that she uses to contact the other guy all the time although they haven't been seeing each other properly fornthenlast few weeks. I clearly have to resist her moving out.
In the past few weeks I think I've been overly needy, trying to straighten her out and explain what a bad idea it isnto go with the other guy. He has two kids but is now in the middle of a divorce after his wife exposed the affair to ALL his family and friends. It just caused resentment and has killed his marriage. On the other hand, I have kept it all to myself on my side to give her the opportunity to pick up where we left off before things went bad. None of her or my family would know so she wouldn't have to face horrible situations if she came back. I'm backing off on the needy side of things and she has even applied for a different job to get away (although not very enthusiastically). She still thinks I'm smothering her but I'm just being super nice to hopefully make her realise what she would be throwing away. I've said I'm happy to sell our flat but only to move to a new place with a new start together. Not for her to move out on her own. She is still insisting she'll move outnin her own. Am i doing anything majorly wrong?
Thanks again for all the responses, really helps to talk :-)
(ME) BS - 32
(HER) WW - 32
Married 05/17/08
Together 13Yrs
no kids
D-Day - 03/03/10 (PA+EA)
FULL exposure 4/29/10
NC around OCT 2010
Recovery failing....
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