Hello,

My brother directed me to this site....I'm in desperate times. My husband and I have been married for 20 years this June and we have four children from 7-14. Our marriage has been bad for some time, but noticeable differences as of recent are a sudden hatred toward me....telling me things he hates about me and our marriage and then using these fights to take off for hours and in the middle of day on weekends. I started asking if he was having an affair, but of course the answer was no. Then, wanting to go to doctor for testing and such...made me wonder as i can't ever get him to go to the doctor for anything.
To make a very long story short, I found his bank card statement and noticed that on one weekend he came back to town earlier than when he walked through our door. He was leaving for another weekend to his camp. Once I discovered the statement, I decided to wait at a location that he stopped at various times. Sure enough, at the right time, here he comes. I couldn't keep up so I called him and asked where he was...he said on 35, then i said no your not I'm behind you on another street. This of course started a whole fight and his threatening to leave. He denied everything and said that he was cutting through to another road. Then later, on the same statement, i found something for ftd flowers. Again, he said that the flower were for his sister....another lie. i called ftd and they asked for the recipients name and it was not his sister. At this point, he confeses that our marriage has been so bad that he did pursue this woman, but she doesn't want anything to do with him. He says he will go to counseling with me and see what happens.
My fear: How do I know if he's telling me the truth? What if it's not broken off? He says the incident with the road and the flowers have nothing to do with each other. I'm scared he is just putting me off until he figures what to do. I want our marriage to work, but I can't compete with another woman as that has been made clear in some of the articles I've read here. He says he met her at a grocery store??? Really, I found that hard to believe. Talking to others that really know me doesn't help...everyone has differing opinions...leave him, lock him out, etc. I'm just so confused and I can hardly breathe.

This is the time where you need to do whatever you can to snoop, snoop, snoop and find out exactly what is going on.

Look at his phone records, computer, credit card statements, etc. Don't confront him with every piece of evidence you have, just go about collecting as much info. as you can right now. And do not let him know about this place! (great advice from your brother, by the way).

Do you know OW? If so, is she married? If not, since you know her name get busy and find out as much as you can about her. You will need to know as much as possible because there will come a day (soon hopefully) where you will expose their affair to everyone!

He isn't telling you the truth. He may be telling you part of the truth or it may all be a lie. He just lied about who the flowers went to and which road he was on. They may be connected, they may not. What you do know is that he lies (sends flowers to women) and when caught he continues to lie (they were for my sister). So nothing he says now can be trusted to be the truth.

SidneyT is right! SNOOP! Check his cell phone constantly. If he lays it down, grab it and go into the bathroom with the door locked. Check for texts, deleted messages, and if he gets email on it check that.

Check the computer. He may have email accounts you don't know exist.

Check the car for items (condoms, etc.) and check the mileage.

Check your credit cards for other receipts - hotels, gas at gas stations in places where he should not be, gifts.

Check your cell phone records - how far back did this go?

Once you know who the OW is, expose it to her H, friends, family, work, etc.

higgs, we need you to calm down. We can help you save your marriage if you will calm down and follow a PLAN. Can you do that?

Many of us here have saved our marriages, but we had to control our emotions long enough to follow a STRATEGIC PLAN. This is a very emotional situation and betrayed spouses typically make very stupid mistakes at this point.

Can you calm down? If you can do that, we can help you get to work to kill this affair and save your marriage.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

I am glad that your brother sent you to this site. Have you read all of the articles and all of the items about Surviving Infidelity? Have you read any threads? Do you know what Plan A is? If not, you will need to read up on it. What are your H's ENs? What LBs are you guilty of and how are you going to avoid doing them?

You most definitely will need to snoop so you can figure out who OW is and what you are fighting. Are you ready for this?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I agree, take a breath, and now is time to plan. Many of the vets are awesome at helping you formulate a good, solid plan. Listen to their words of wisdom.

Hugs.

So sorry you are here, but you will get good help here.

First...Read, Read and Read this website, also find out who this OW is by snooping....but I also want to add about the hatred about you and your marriage and everything you do...its a sure sign of an affair (please do not take it personal) and this is a good website to help you with the best way to try and save this marriage.

You are getting very good advice. Another thing to do is to not tell him anything about your snooping and make sure you come here with evidence and not give it away to him. He'll just try to explain it away, and he'll figure out that you're snooping.

Trust me, snooping works. Even after I confessed my A four years ago, DH snooped and found out when I tried to contact OM again. His vigilance nipped it in the bud.

higgs,

So sorry you are here, Mel is right...you need to calm down, take a deep breath, and get ready to formulate a PLAN.

We have all been exactly where you are right now, we know how hard it is and how crazed you feel. We truly do understand.

You need to start snooping. DO NOT GIVE YOUR H ANY REASON TO BELIEVE YOU ARE SNOOPING! Here are a few ways to get started on this:

~check his cell phone usage and do a reverse lookup on any numbers you don't recognize
~put a keylogger on his computer
~get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and hide it in his car
~get a GPS and hide it in his car

Where are you going to start? He is having an A and you already know this and now you need to know how entrenched it was and if it's over (it's not, we can tell you that right now).

I'm sorry you are here too. You will get tons of help here and the best chance at saving your M but PLEASE listen to the awesome advice you will get!
~hire a P.I. if you want to do this the fast way

Thanks for all the advice,

I think I've made too many mistakes already...it was already difficult to find what I found. My husband keeps keys and phone in a lockbox in garage. I just so happen to know the code....,but when I retrieve the phone, there's a passcode...can't get around it. I don't know who the OW is....I questioned more today and he said that she was locked out of her car and he was helping her....and then they became locked in and she showed interest. According to him, he says she found out that he was married and said forget it. What I fear is that he wants to free himself from me in order for her to say yes. He told me he would go to counseling sessions, so any recommendations woud be appreciated.
I'll post more later tonight, but he's a huge security person anyway, so he protects everything. I don't understand why he won't say, yes, let's work on it. There's nothing on credit card statements and his phone records don't list anything other than minutes. What I found out took a lot of effort.

higgs, the first thing you need to do is STOP ASKING HIM ABOUT HIS AFFAIR. That is a bad idea. Stop it.

I would hire a PI to follow him or put a GPS on his car. You can also put a voice activated digital recorder in his car. Radio Shack sells them. Can you access his cell phone bill online?

Forget counseling! You need to find out WHO the OW is so we can help you kill the affair.

Do you have the name and address of the person he sent the flowers to? That is the OW, correct?

If so, give the PI this information.

Higgs, sorry you found yourself here.

Take a breathe and stop looking for your H to confirm or deny. He will lie lie lie. It is normal when they do this and he is gaslighting you.

Be silent, watch. Get a keylogger and install onto his computer. Try to register his phone on line so you can access the phone records. Tip: when you do this make sure you have access to his phone because they usually sent the initial password in text to the cell phone requesting.

He is hiding and protecting the OW. Get the OW name from the florist and google and look on FB. If you can afford it hire a PI. Say NOTHING to H. He will just go more underground worried about discovery.

take care.

The quickest and easiest (for you) to confirm he's having an A and who the OW is would be a P.I.

If you don't have a way to pay for this without him finding out, do you know someone (a family member perhaps) who could loan you the money?

Your WH will LIE right to your face, even when you have PROOF he will try to tell you it is something else and say, "How dare you not trust ME! I can't believe you are snooping. If you do that anymore I am DONE." Don't believe it, it is all a bunch of GARBAGE. Think of him as the teacher from Peanuts and hear, "wah wah wah wah wah." This is why you don't show your hand, it will do no good.

Here are some threads you can read as well as all of the DrH info.

BS Be still

Reverse Babble

Plan A

Plan A

That should keep you busy

Yes, Your marriage cannot be saved until you kill this affair. And he is NOT going to help you do that right now.

They go to counseling, they waffle back and forth, all the while still seeing OW...Waywards lie. He will NOT tell you he is still seeing OW. He will lie to keep the affair going. We need to KILL this...First...and you need to do it behind his back to have a chance to save your marriage.

Ok, I hear you!!!! I can't tell you how much I ache on the inside and breakdown crying at the drop of a hat. He's been telling me that he doesn't know if he wants to make it work....and how he doesn't remember when the last time he was physically attracted to me. My weight has been a long time issue....I've lost 50lbs and now it is really coming off with all this.
Anyway, yes I've tried to access his phone records online and I've tried familiar passwords, but his company does send a text to his phone, so that was out. I checked credit cards, searched his truck and console for anything...I found nothing. I think the bank statement was an accident; he left it on his workbench and i snatched it and began looking. The funny thing is that I never noticed most of the things I found until looking at it later. In regards to the flower connection, once I got the recipient name wrong, FTD would not tell me anything more...policy. I have no idea who it is. I've contacted a PI...$75 an hour and I plan on using it. Should i wait till things settle or start now? Where do you get the passcode thingy? Do I even have a chance here? I feel so helpless, and it's very hard for me to keep quiet about the affair....so hard. I'll try though. In the meantime, I'll work on these articles.

Yes, there is lots of hope, higgs. But you must do 2 things. Can you focus on these 2 things?

1. find out who the OW is. Do it asap and then come back here. Do not say anything - I MEAN NOTHING - to your husband. Don't ask him anymore about this

2. be calm and pleasant and attractive to your husband. No crying, begging, pleading, accusing,yelling. NO NOTHING. Act like a Stepford wife

Then come back here and tell us what you find out about the OW. Then we will help you get to work.

Can you do this?

ok, yes...I have been crying, pleading,etc... have i ruined it? I will stop...it's hard, but I will do it. Yes, I can do this.