My husband did not leave because of an affair. He became very ill and paranoid. Long story short, he left me with a huge debt, a struggling business, a daughter to care for and no home or hope of retirement income. He took our money, took my name off our checking and savings accounts, took the only income being generated to pay for those things from me, the sole provider, after he became ill. I lost everything in the blink of an eye. We are about 1.5 years into seperation. I filed for divorce only after learning of the foreclosure on my home and rental properties. 25 years of equity, gone...what pray tell, would he gain from doing that? He had the means and opportunity to stop it all. He did'nt. I trusted him implicitely. My name was on nothing! I moved on, rented a smaller house, provided for our youngest daughter and practically heard nothing from him for 9 months. Suddenly, out of the blue, he wants to reconcile. Did I mention I thought I would die with this man and trusted him more completely than I have ever trusted anyone? I felt shame, angry, hurt, betrayed, and puzzled. Why, after he left us, not caring if we had a bed to sleep in or food to eat, should I ever want him back? I need to mention he and his family are wealthy and he was living in luxury when I was stuggling to begin again? Any advice out there? My apologies...I am new here and the main question is "would you reconcile"? As you can see, it's late and I still can't sleep..so here I sit, typing this message, talking to people who don't know me nor I them, but even though we are 1.5 years into this, my soon to be ex can be very charming and was very good to me for many years. I just don't believe I can ever truly trust again. Especially him. I keep wondering if he and his caretaker have had yet another fallout and he truly regrets what he put me and his children through. I don't speak about this situation in front of our children and encourage them to visit their father and just love him. Yet, they are adult children and had their lives torn apart too. I knew when he became unable to work, our marriage was in store for trying times, his ego, his pride, his ability to provide for his family, his fears, they were all there. He was depressed and lonely and felt he could no longer be a husband to me. I tried so hard to keep him involved, asking, begging for his advice and help whenever he could give it. Then I had to choose, allow the business to keep failing at the expense of saving his pride or dig in..so I dug in. But whew, when he left, I lost it..my mind, my ability to function, I lost weight, I could'nt concentrate...I was in shock, so please, just a few words would be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading, listening, and just being here for people like me to share our pain and fears. That's nice..peace to all and good night.

How has this offer to reconcile been put to you? Is is a one time thing? Has he shown a dedication to change?

The reason you are posting here is I think you HAVE some hope.

It is going to take months to years to recover this. Check out what we call plan "B" here- read about "setting the bar high" for comiong OUT of Plan B.
What is different for him now? Has he gotten medical/mantal health to fix his problem?

There are 3 steps to an appology
#1. I am sorry (remorce)
#2. I will not do this again (learning)
#3. This is what I intend to do to make it up to you.

Do you see any of these?

That may give you a starting point.

Thank you barbiecat. I think after being with someone as long as we were together, one is always "hoping". However, his attempts to reconcile are conditional (his terms only) and usually I find there are motives behind his attempts to "make things right". I can't help but feel his attempts are just a desperate fear of being (dieing) alone. I have not recognized any signs of true remorse, sincerity, or even acknowledgement that he did anything wrong and mostly, he tries to shift most, if not all, the blame to me. I know I wasn't perfect, but neither was he. I just can't get past how he left and how non-chalant he seemed about our life, our loss, our children, etc. He turned into to someone I never knew lived there. I see him occasionally and I always get physically ill while he is her visiting our daughters and I am still so very angry. I just can't get past the love we shared, how very special he could make me feel (the charmer) and then KABAM! I didn't know him at all it seems. I feel I have thrown away 25 years of my life...for what? I truly believe all things happen for a reason and we can either grow from the experience and walk through a new door or we can stay where we are and never know where life could have taken us. I have always held to this premise. It has helped me through other difficult times. But this one is a bit more difficult. I keep questioning Why? Why? Why? Thank you for taking time to read my post and answering with good, sincere advice.

I guess I'm not understanding. Is he ill? Mentally ill?

I'm sorry you're here NShock. We've all come here and been helped by people we didn't know, we will do what we can for you.
Are you familiar with MB principles? Have you read "basic concepts" or any of Dr. Harley's books? Are you SURE there wasn't an affair? I see a few indications from this post alone...
BAsed on what you've written, I can answer your question: No. However, I think you are in a great deal of pain and need ot recov er from the turn your life has taken in the last many months. MB might be able to help. At the very least, you will get support here from others going through similar situations.
I love Bcat's apology conditions - it sounds like your H is not on that track.
~optimism

My apologies for not being clear. My husband is not mentally ill. He has developed several illnesses over the past 10 to 15 years. Due to his state of health and his inability to work, he has become severly depressed, which is considered a mental illness. His decision to leave was influenced by his mother who convinced him a "healthier diet" would cure him (as if I wasn't taking care of him). I will admit, taking over all of the reponsibilities of managing our family business was demanding and time consuming, but I made sure he received the proper food for a diabetic. He also has a rare genetic blood disorder which makes him produce too much iron which leads to organ damage. As if those weren't enough, he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and latest with COPD (which is terminal) however, he could extend his life expectancy with proper exercise, diet,etc. Instead, he became depressed, would not get out of bed for anything other than his doctor visits. He became unable to drive due to low oxygen content, and impotent (which was one of his first symptoms). Impotency is difficult to understand, and I am no exception. In the beginning, I did think he was having an affair. When he became bedridden, I knew I had been the one who was paranoid. I do not believe he ever had an affair, however, he was certain I would leave him, so he left first. That's his explanation for leaving me. So, you see, he didn't have a sudden onset of anything. Just a multitude of things accumulating over time. Thank you for your question and I hope this explains a little more about out situation. I am sure his illness prompted his leaving. But I pray every day to understand howw he could have just let us lose everything we had worked hard to build. I just cannot get past that nor can I forgive him. I am struggling with being able to trust anyone. He was my best friend, my companion, my lover, my provider, my everything. I depended on him to make all the final decisions of any importance. Even though, throughout our marriage, I thought I was being responsible and making decisions, when he fell ill and wouldn't or couldn't make decisions anymore, then I knew...I had never, ever really been responsible for anything of importance. I find myself at almost 50 years old, having to "grow up" and I have to hurry. Even buying car insurance was a big challange for me. He had always asked my opinion, but in the end, he made the decisions. I find myself having to educate myself on running and managing the business even though I have worked side by side with him for 20+ years. Its difficult to wake up and know yourself, how naive I've been, and how much I don't know. I apologize for being so long winded. Thanks for listening.

Yes, I'm sorry I'm here too, Optimism and thank you for your supoort and coments. I know it is difficult when you just hear one side (mine) of the story. I think he became confused and was too influenced by his mother. She is the one he turned to, talked to, and resides with. There's a story for another day. He never called or seemed concerned for over 9 months, then suddenly, out of the blue, he's calling, trying to see me, asking for reconciliation, more than once and each time I have told him, I just can't get past the fact that not only was he collecting ALL the income from the business, we sold some property and he had the cash...so why would he allow foreclosure to happen and not even bother to ask if we were ok? Where were we going? Did we need anything? Etc. You get the picture. My loss was his as well, unless he somehow plans to buy it all back once the divorce is final, but I don't see that happening. I can't believe the man I thought I knew so well turned out to be some stranger that I can no longer respect nor would I want to be even friends with let alone stay married to him. I pray, everyday, for God to allow me to at least forgive him. I can't and haven't. I know I have to to begin to heal. But I jut keep asking wy? Why? Why?...I just can't and don't understand. Thanks again, Optimism. I liked bcats response as well, and yes I had considered whether he was sincere but all signs lead to the same conclusion..he is not sincere and has some self-motivation for wanting a reconciliation. Nshock

NShock, no apology needed for being "long-winded" but try to break it up into paragraphs, okay? It makes it easier for us to keep track of your thoughts.

Again: Are you familiar with MB principles? Have you read "basic concepts" or any of Dr. Harley's books?
(not to badger you).

I don't know if you'll be able to forgive this man. But I do think if there is a chance for you to heal, you will have to find a way to eventually totally remove yourself from him. What would that take? Do you know anything about "Plan B"?

~opt

How has he contacted you about R? Just once? Is he trying to make more contact?

NShock, I personally would not take him back. The reasons you seem to give is that he's pretty much all you ever knew and you don't want to be alone.

So, are you willing to live with a man who makes you feel ill because of his betrayal? Are you willing to spend the time looking over your back wondering if he's going to lose it again?

You married him for better or worse. When worse came in the form of his physical illness, you stuck it out. He ran, and he ruined you financially. Financial betray is just as bad as sexual betrayal. Both hurt emotionally. And both can have devastating long-term effects. In the former, being homeless, in the latter getting a terminal disease like AIDS.

If I were you, and I wanted to leave open the possibility of reconciliation, I'd probably pursue divorce to end that partnership. Then, date. And if you decide to remarry, get a pre-nuptual and have everything in your name. Normally in marriage, I'm very much an "ours" person. I had a pre-nupt for my first marriage and we had to keep separate finances because of XH. It was a disaster. Second marriage, I did not have a pre-nupt. We talked about finances a lot before getting engaged, and basically, I turned everything over to Mike after we moved in together. We were combining everything. It was tough sometimes because Mike was more of a saver than me, but it was "marriage." However, in a case where there's been gross financial misbehavior to the point of being a betrayal... Then you need to put extrodinary precautions in place.

Thank you Greengables, I was trying to find a way to say there is more than one form of adultery. I believe I was reading a discussion here at one time about affair-like addiction taking other forms (like addiction to video games, etc.).

Anyway you said it well.

opt