"She is the equivalent of a toy he bought at a sex shop. She was used as a thing to make him feel better about himself."

That statement kinda eases some of my feelings right now. thanks

Good! It's true. She is not a real person in this. He made up a suit of clothes that he wanted to see and put them on her. She's not really flesh and bones. Their relationship is a fantasy and would not survive the light of day; it's an escape from that same light of day.

Sorry Disgusted, but I don't agree with your MC. And I certainly don't mean to complicate matters for our new friend here, but is this a MB principle?

Personally, this line of thinking seems to be an easy way out for the BS - emotionally and intellectually. I'm afraid it minimizes the magnitude of the situation and lulls the BS into a less aggressive course of action. Just me, but I would rather feel the full force of the dreadful, cruel, and abusive action that has been leveled on me - and then be motivated to an appropriate reaction.

personal example: My wife never found out my A 8 until years later, when she went wayward. BUT, if she had found out about it when it happened and then took the approach "OW was just a toy" (which is probably what I would have told her); I would have been thrilled. And I would have kept on doing it, and it would have become more intense each time.

I'd rather go to the other extreme. Assume the WS is lying their a$$ off, which is highly likely. Assume there is an emotional connection, at least on some level. Feel the pain now and ask yourself if you want to go through it again, repeatedly.

Remember, MC's get a D- grade in actually saving marriages. That's because they don't know jack about adultery. Beware the MC.

~opt

Oh, you misunderstood me. Our MC specializes in infidelity and has good results with saving marriages. She is well known in the community, and this is her specialty. She uses MB principles and loves Dr. H.

It's not simlifying to "just a toy", it's a way of explaining what the A is - a fantasy life. It is not minimizing the A at all but a way of showing the BS what an A is.

For me, and others I know in my community who have saved and bettered their marriages, I can say that none of us used that explanation to be less aggressive. Quite the contrary, and while I cannot tell their stories, I can share mine. I fought, I exposed, my H is now unemployed even though he had tenure at a college. I have provided evidence to the other BS, who divorced, and provided evidence for the custody battle with the OW.

Both my H and I have fought for our marriage, he has confessed to friends and family, he is going to IC and MC, church, marriage classes, and we are signing up for a MB weekend.

I would assume the WS is lying; its the nature of the beast.

I hope that explains a little more clearly.

Thanks D, I definitely misunderstood. And you not only clarified but gave me some more insight. Thank you.
The brief synopsis of your story is heartwarming. Good to hear the success stories - I wish you continued success.

Opt

Thanks, Opt! Sorry I was so brief before - it was confusing!