G'day all,
I'm in serious need of help. As I've realized after reading the articles on this site my marriage has turned out like so many others. My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9 1/2 , two kids( 10 and 4 ).
Our relationship wasn't going well, a lot was my fault but I've realized that it can't be all my fault. She had an affair with here close friends husband, was planning to leave me, buy a house with him, give my kids a new dad.
I found emails open on the computer one day and went crazy.
About two days after I found out, after telling her to leave , I realized that I hadn�t been a good husband and told her that I forgive her for everything.
She stayed at home for 6 weeks , didn't confess to anything, left a trail of lies for me to unravel ,didn�t admit to any real faults on her part that had contributed to our bad relationship, then finally when I'd found out just about everything and nearly gone crazy doing so, she left.
She�s been gone for 4 months, I�m pretty much over what she did and believe that I have given her my forgiveness. I�ve also shown her my willingness to be a better husband and have been patient.
I�ve also snooped in every place possible. She has offered me her phone/ internet records, said I can check the house etc. The paranoia is horrible.
I�ve only really asked her to come home once, she said she needed more time apart. I tried to end it there but she rang the next day and asked me over for dinner. I�ve tried cutting myself off from her, she just kept calling.
For the last month or so it�s been like we�re together again but living in separate houses,
I�ve been reasonably stable, and it feels great to be with her and my kids. She asks me to stay over and has never once told me to go home. Whenever things feel great I end up saying something along the lines of � Doesn�t this feel good, lets start fresh with a clean slate and give each other what we need, lets be a family again� and don�t get the response I want.
She wants me but doesn�t. I feel so good when we�re all together but then when we�re apart I feel that same feeling of dread all over again. It�s clear to her that I don�t want to lead a life of bitterness and resentment, that I forgive her but that�s not enough.
Does this seem like a strange situation to be in? I don�t really know what�s right anymore.

Weekends are pretty slow on these forums. Someone with more experience at unraveling the messy situation you're in will come along shortly.

In the meantime, I can say that this is the best place to be when you've found yourself in the situation you are now in. Keep reading the articles by Dr. Harley. Purchase his book Surviving an Affair. The book will be of great help in your situation.

Your wife's refusal to come home sends up red flags for me. Despite the fact that she has given you all her phone and internet records, it sounds as if the A might still be going on. Have you exposed her A to relatives, friends, etc? Everyone on this board will advise you to do this to ensure that the A ends.

Keep your chin up and keep reading Dr. Harley's advice. Good luck.

GY

Welcome. Sounds like she is still in contact with her affair partner.

Is he still married to her close friend? Does his wife know about the affair?

Exposure is what ends affairs. You need to let his wife know, your wife's parents know, friends, family, whoever could help.

Does her friend's husband know?

Thanks for the replies.
Yes the affair is exposed , everyone knows, friends, family, facebook. We live in a small town so it's hard to keep secrets.
The other man is with his wife and kids, I think that my wifes friend would be watching him like a hawk and would let me know if something was going on.
In the first few days after I found out I spoke to his wife for long periods of time, we helped each other to some extent.
I might be kidding myself but I'm pretty sure it's over.

If there is any type of contact at all between your W and OM, even phone calls or text messages, then it isn't over. And this is the assumption you have to make with waywards that aren't being transparent: it is more likely than not that there is ongoing contact.

I would ask your wife to:
~ commit to NC and send a NC letter
~ move back home
~ agree to be transparent and O&H, accounting for all of her time AND
~ commit to rebuilding your M using MB principles/coaching with Steve Harley

and if she is unwilling to do all of these things, maybe you should start thinking about Plan B...

I don't think it is over. They are meeting somehow.

Can you put a GPS on her car and track where she goes?

Does the OM and WW work together?

Is there 100% NC?

I think I've done enough snooping. I'm sick of that feeling when you go through their things, heart pounding, almost wanting to find something so that you can say HA! I've got you now.
I've spent months in a state of paranoia, not being there for my kids like I should be. It may be blind trust but in the end if she's still not being honest then that's her problem and she's not the one for me.
She says she needs time to get herself together and get over what's happened. She says it's not because of the other man but because of the problems we already had.
Believe me, I've already asked her why she didn't leave before the affair.
If I spend my time tracking her every movement I�ll always be on edge instead of trying to rebuild my relationship and being happy when we�re together as a family.
I have to believe that the damage done by her worst mistake , in the light of day for all to see , is enough for her to never go back to that again.
I know I�m leaving myself wide open to another horrible blow but I�m prepared to take that risk.

Hmmm, something sounds fishy to me here.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, Dugwaiting, and my heart sincerely goes out to you. Unfortunately, and although I am not a pro in this department, I cannot help but agree with the others here who have said that it sounds like an A may still be going on. Your wife acts almost like she wants to be with you but, on the other hand, she is not willing to "commit" to being with you by being together with you in the same household??? That alone raises red flags for me.

I know snooping is hard (I've been there and have done that just as have many others here have, too) but, in the long run, it may just be your best bet. It really DOES sound like there is more to this A than your W if letting on (contact "somewhere/somehow" with the OM seems to still be taking place). Granted, I could be wrong but, from the sounds of what you wrote, I would venture to guess that the A is still active.

I don't know, but if your W is not willing to move back into the house with you (where the two of you could truly try and work things out...TOGETHER) then I can only imagine she has reasons of her own that are (intentionally) OUT of your field of vision/ear shot (ie: things she doesn't want you to know about). By staying where she is now, along with you visiting her in a way that SHE seems to enjoy, makes me think she is just "getting her cake and eating it, too" (the best of both worlds, for HER, while you get nothing but the crumbs left behind).

I wish I had more answers for you but, like I said earlier, I am not a pro in this department so I can only go on my feelings/hunches. However, keep reading and listening to the advice others give you, they DO know what they are talking about and they DO know how to help.

Again, I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through and I do hope all the best for you.

(((HUGS)))

She is more than likely still in contact with her AP. She is getting her needs met by both of you and will continue to do so for as long as she can. (It's called 'cake eating'.)

Have you read up on Plan A?

Please reconsider your snooping. You need to snoop so that you have complete knowledge and evidence of the A. I know it's hard to snoop on someone you gave complete privacy to, but that was back when you ignorantly trusted her completely. Never completely trust a spouse.

I don't know that there is still an A going on.

What I wonder about is whether or not your wife believes that the marriage you once had is one that she wants to return to.

And I wonder if she believes that the two of you could possibly build a marriage that she would want to be in.

What has to happen is that the two of you need to understand HOW to build a marriage that is one that can be THE MARRIAGE YOU BOTH WANT, and one that can build on the basic love you once had for one another.


Ask her if that is the issue - if she is not sure that the two of you, together, could build a marriage that would recapture the love she thinks is needed to have a lasting and fulfilling marriage.

I think that is what she is thinking - she wants that in her life.

Tell her that you have found a place where they can help couples find that again. Because her feelings of, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," CAN be changed to

"I LOVE YOU" and "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU" again.

She has been in an affair, and she remains in the fog. She is in withdrawal, and that is a normal phase of post-affair behavior. She hasn't had you in her life working to pick up the pieces, to be the romance and the one to turn to. She hasn't given you that chance, either.

Marriage Builders offers a plan for that. Read this website on Emotional Needs, and ask her to start walking the path - at least for the sake of the kids - to see if there might still be a way for the marriage to rebuild. Tell her that you believe in her, and that you can be there for her. Ask her for the time to work on things.


Start with the Emotional Needs Questionnaire -


AND CALL THE HARLEYS. Make an appointment with the Counseling Center, because I think your wife is fence sitting and needs just a little help to get back into your marriage. MB and you might be able to save the marriage.

It is worth a shot.

SB

Let me see if I got this right - she had an A, she left, and she took the kids with her?

If that's correct, then the rest of your story looks like just another evil WW at work. She's easing you out of the M and any relationship with your kids, and you are allowing her to do so. You are going to wake up one day with no M, no relationship with your kids, and the sudden realization that you've been worked over really good.

IMO, your very next conversation should be with your lawyer about LS and shared custody, unless your kids are returned to the marital home. And for goodness' sake, protect your finances and any property she may have access to.

Thankyou schoolbus,
She has said all of that to me, that she's worried about coming back and everything being the same as it was. I'm so glad that someone picked that scenario from what I've written and not just more lies and cheating.
She has also said that she loves me but doesn't feel the "spark" or whatever. I�m sure that�s because she wasted it on someone else
Maninmotion, I can see what you mean, it's a possibility. But she brings our kids out to my house, we all eat dinner together, she works in the garden, puts new plants in. She's had the chance to take all our money, all our things, but hasn't.
I want to believe that she's telling the truth, trying to find herself after living in a difficult marriage and then making a huge mistake.Although it�s very hard to trust after being betrayed.
I think that she was scared after she was caught, I erupted pretty badly. I didn�t hurt her but when I found out what was going on I was almost capable of anything.
I started drinking to try and get through the trauma of it all, I was a mess in front of my children. She put me in that state but I could have dealt with it in a better way.
Schoolbus, my biggest problem is that I�ve got nothing to base my trust on and even when she wants me with her I�m not myself. I stayed there last night, had a good talk but I still wanted to run away because I felt like I was being tricked.
All four of us are going away this weekend, to the beach, so hopefully we can relax and make some progress.
Thank you.

She has said this to me, but with more stuff about how bad a husband I was. I was very hard to live with.

I've read the articles on this site about withdrawl and I can see this in her. I also think that she is still coming to grips with what she did. She said that she feels violated by him and is still getting over those feelings. I guess that�s part of withdrawl too. Her circle of friends was very important to her and she has torn it to pieces.

I know how I feel when I dwell on what could be going on, it�s horrible. I don�t sleep properly, don�t eat properly, don�t do anything that I used to do that made me happy.
After I read the posts from everyone yesterday I went through her cupboard and found some letters tucked away in a bag, I went through them all with my heart pounding. They were letters that I�d written her.
When I let go of those feelings I come back to earth and feel ok.

If she is telling the truth I can get through the separation, I can�t force her to change her mind so I�ve got to stay calm and just be there.
She can have all the cake she wants, I�m just sick of being a nervous wreck.
What�s the worst that could happen.

The thing is Dug, if she IS cake-eating, you will continue to be a nervous wreck. If you check out my sig line, you will see that my WH is living with his POSOW and I am in Plan B. I am most definitely NOT a nervous wreck. I used to be. That was before I found MB and before I had a plan. Now that I have a PLAN, I feel like no matter which way this turns out, I will be great. We just want you to get there too. You will. Just listen to the great people who have advised you thus far.

Hi again,
I guess a lot of you may think I'm in denial, and rightly so.
I've been thinking about Plan B, it seems like the only option although I will be separating myself from my children too.
At the moment I have unlimited access to my children, I see them every day and we eat dinner together almost every day, my wife included.
If I go into plan B, I will see them a lot less and they will be hurt by this.
Is this the right thing to do ? Will it be better for them in the long run?
We're all going away together for 4 days so I won't be able to reply to any posts.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
Has plan B worked for any of you?

Hey Dug,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Every story is unique but let me share a bit about mine.

My WW asked me to move about a year ago this week. This was before I new anything about MB. I moved out. For a month. What I also didn't know was that she had been seeing OM leading up to the moveout request. You see, Dug, she wanted to be MORE AVAILABLE to OM. And she was. I moved back after a month.

I stumbled across MB around May or so of last year. I read a lot.

Fast forward to August. During my round of exposure, I called OM personally. Talked to him for about 45 minutes. Very direct conversation. Well, WW finds out two days later and declares that SHE needs to move out. (Of course, her anger was nuclear-charged at that point.) She moves out a month later.

Through various snooping methods, I find out that the OM sitch was still smouldering. You see, she moved out to make herself MORE AVAILABLE TO OM. I was threatening her drug -- OM.

Dug, several vets here told me that she was moving out to make hsrself more available. They were absolutely correct -- at least when it came to my situation. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe the good Dr. H has said that the reason women ask a husband to move out is to free themselves up to pursue OM.

Now, I know Mrs. Dug moved out, but I don't think it bodes well for you. I think she's out for a reason -- and it doesn't have to do with recovering your M.

I could go on and on about fence-sitting/cake-eating which your W seems particularly adept at doing, but I'll leave that for another post. Why do I think that? Because MY WW was particularly adept at it. Others here can vouch for me.

Dug, you need to snoop. Big-time. It's more of a pain in the butt to maintain a living arrangement on your own -- without the assistance of a spouse. Plus, it's more costly. She's getting something out of it. Find out what it is.

Again, sorry you are here. You'll get more help here than you would have ever imagined though.

TB

G'day again,
It's been 4 months since my last post and you all were right , but I had to learn my own lessons. There's been no repentance, no truth , no confessions, no courage, no growth , no change , nothing.
I'm done snooping, there's nothing but pain and lies to find.
I've been in plan B for around a month , my only slip up was a family dinner that just confirmed that I need to be on my own. Just me , and the kids when I have them.
It's like letting part of you drain away, just letting it happen slowly. Letting go of all those years and memories and good times, accepting life as it is. These horrible feelings can't possibly last forever can they?
I look forward to the day that I wake up and don't wish that my wife was asleep beside me.
Doug