My husband had an emotional affair with his secretary(my husband was a pastor.) His secretary was a homeschool mom, friend, and extremely organized; I basically hand picked her for the job. He resigned from the ministry and we went through some counseling. Things were getting better but we did not move away, even though we live 3 blocks away from her and our 2 boys are frequently with her 2 boys. My husband continued to bump into her, having "little" conversations, but confessed to an ongoing fantasizing about a relationship and sex with her.
Then on his 50th birthday, the affair reignited, becoming physical this time. PTL we discovered the book Surviving An Affair and are working through it with a marriage counselor. We seem to be stalled around the checklist on page 66, where he is supposed to write a letter to the lover and let her know it is over and that he doesn't want any contact with her. He is "conflicted" and just can't bring himself to do this as he feels she is so fragile and this would crush her. He's sees himself as instrumental in the wounding, and worse, because he was her pastor. He is especially concerned about my unforgiveness towards her and feels we should get together with the counselor and "air" the whole situation.
A previous counselor told us we should treat her as Potifer's wife and I felt the Lord gave me Proverbs 5 - to stay far away from her door. Our current counselor feels a meeting with her is not a good idea and that my husband's continued concern for her is a red flag and is deeply wounding to me. What is my response supposed to be towards this woman, who gave no thought to destroying my family and marriage and would do it again in a heartbeat? What is the wife's response supposed to be towards the lover, who was once my dear friend and confidant? I'm trusting the Lord will use you to give me wisdom.
Larken

Larken, so sorry this has happened to your family. Is the OW married? WHo have you exposed the A to?

As far as what to do about the OW, she isn't worth your time and energy. Talking to her will only hurt you more. I have to jet off to work, I am sure there will be some others popping up to help you out. It is slow on the weekends so don't get discouraged.

Welcome to MB.

Larken, I am so sorry for your pain. You have found a good place to help you through the grief of your husband's adultery. Could you give us a little more information to work with? How long have you been married? Is this his first affair? How did you find out about it and when? Has he left the ministry all together?

You are with friends now and we have all gotten through this in one way or another.

God's Blessings,

Say

Larken, welcome to Marriage Builders, the club nobody wants to belong to. Here you will find help and advice.

It's the weekend, so it will be slow; the veterans will weigh in and then things will start rolling.

NO CONTACT is one of the prime essentials in recovering a marriage from an affair. Your husband needs to see that by continuing contact with OW he is not protecting her, but keeping the knife in the wound.

You say you have the book, Surviving An Affair. Have you also read the Basic Concepts here on the site? To the right is a red-bordered box labeled Most Popular Links. Before you do or say anything more, read everything you can. Look also at the top of the page and click the "Articles" tab. At present, your education about Marriage Builder concepts and how to survive an affair is critical!

You say his secretary was/is a homeschool mom. This suggests she is married. Is she? Does her husband know of the affair?

Surviving An Affair reveals that exposure is perhaps the #1 most effective tool in ending affairs. Have you exposed this affair to anyone?

The book has an example of the NO CONTACT letter. Writing this and sending it are also crucial elements to recovery.

Right now, it is too soon to believe your husband. If he still has contact with her, the affair may just as well be still active. Instead of confronting him and attempting to get him to see logic and rationality, you need to implement Plan A.

Become the attractive alternative to OW. Make him see the wife he fell in love with and married. At the same time, start snooping. Snoop, snoop, snoop. Uncover everything he does, and find out if the affair is still active. If you get proof, it will be time to go nuclear and expose his affair to everyone who has any influence with him: family, friends, associates, and parishioners.

But today is your study day. Read everything you can on this site about Dr. Harley, his basic concepts, and his plans for recovering a marriage after an affair.

Do NOT be outwardly emotional. Come here and vent if you need to. We are here for you. We have now become your "invisible army" to aid you in ending the affair and recovering your marriage. But you need to do some footwork, too.

It starts today.

Larken,

I am sorry this has been happening to you. No contact is an absolute essential ingredient in MB principles. My H was very reluctant to write an NC letter. I seriously underestimated the significance of his reluctance. We moved and he finally wrote one, but then reestablished contact 15 months later.

It you have not done so already, please read everything on this site. And if you and your H want to remain in your M, consider attending an MB weekend and following up with the lessons afterward.

Best wishes.

AM

PS As the others suggested, you don't need to do anything about the OW other than inform her H if she has one who does not already know about the A.

The OW was someone my husband and I mentored and she was like our Timothy in the Lord. We helped her through her divorce during the time she was my husband's secretary, as she had been in an abusive relationship. We'll never know how much her interest in my husband may have led to her divorce.
MH and I have been married 23 years. We've had more than our share of rockiness through the years but no infidelity. Although he has confessed to "looking and longing" and has shared that he never, ever felt deep-down that I was "the one" for him. He has however, maintained that we have a covenant and he believes God can give us a wonderful marriage and that the tools laid out in the book will help SO MUCH!! For the first time in our marriage we have been excited about restoration and our future together.
As for pastoring, we started pastoring in 2001 and resigned in 2006. We went through a very difficult time during his pastorate and the church was near splitting. I tried to help MH understand some of the problems from their point of view but this smacked of nonsupport and became a time of huge withdrawls from his love bank. During this time the OW was going overboard with encouragement. Her emails to him, which I discovered later, were full of "you're precious heavenly treasure" and "if they only knew the pure gold in you." She also comes across as very needy and fragile, which appealed to his Knight in Shining Armour. She was filling his love bank and I was depleting it. It was an enormous set up for an affair. When I first read Surviving an Affair, I just cried and cried over what I had done to MH and my part in all of this. If I had only known!! I only wish we had come across MB resources before all this happened.
The first affair was emotional and happened while he was pastoring. He shared with her in a vulnerable moment that she was actually his best friend. Once it was verbalized, things became very friendly and the best moments of each day were spent encouraging one another. I found out about how far it had gone the week before his last Sunday at the church, when he asked if he could show her how to canoe. Although there had been other red flags, this was the huge one to me as I knew he would never have been alone with a woman this way, wanting to avoid even the appearance of evil. When I confronted him about it, he confessed it and we got into counseling right away. (We didn't go to professionals but to a pastor and his wife - they eventually split when that pastor had an affair.) We floundered during this time. You can imagine how demoralizing that was for both of us and how hopeless we felt. It was 2 years before the affair reignited but I know now that the feelings were never dealt with. MH was also suffering from significant depression and turning 50 was the last straw. On his 50th birthday, with me away at a family wedding, he called her and they started the affair. It lasted for 6 weeks. Thankfully I was totally in the dark. 3 weeks prior to the disclosure the Lord called me to a 3 week fast. (I had never fasted for more than 1 lunch in my life!!!) Everytime I came before him in prayer I would be reminded of scripture that spoke hope to me. Hope and faith. And forgiveness. I was on such a mountaintop experience with the Lord, it sustained me through many, many dark days. His grace and mercy are so amazing! My husband could see me fasting and told the OW, "I know it's only a matter of time before the Lord exposes this to MW." He called it all off about a week before my fast ended and to my knowledge he has never gone back. After the 3 weeks of prayer, I asked my husband if he needed to bring anything to the light, as I felt something was terribly wrong. He did confess everything and in an amazing miracle I was able to tenderly tell him how much God loved him and wanted to forgive him. He felt I would never be able to forgive him but because of the work the Lord had done in my own heart for the 3 weeks during the fast, it was easy to give him my hand and lift him out of the pit. It's 2 years since this happened and I still look back at what the Lord did for me am in awe of how much He loves His children and wants them delivered.
The OW's exhusband moved away shortly after the affair and is no longer in the same state. The only people that are aware of the affair are a few of our closest friends and our counselors. (I have one for myself too.) We have not wanted to announce it to everyone as we didn't want to bring a reproach on the name of the Lord in our town, which has a population of about 15,000. You know how gossip is in small towns? Does that make sense? I do know that with our marriage restored, I believe there would need to be a time of public confession and forgiveness before we could ever consider being in the ministry again. The enemy has a way of blowing people out of the water with hidden sin, right?
One of MH's primary emotional needs is admiration and for that reason I have not exposed him as I believe it would totally deplete him and actually send him her direction. I am committed to avoiding angry outbursts and walking in forgiveness towards him. The new Beth Moore study on Insecurity has been insightful too. I just attended the simulcast yesterday.
Being obedient to Christ I feel I need to forgive the OW. I believe I should do this in a letter and also encourage her that God has a plan for her life and that his plan includes forgiveness and a relationship with the Father.
MH has agreed to the "no contact" and actually put into place the ground rules of no verbal contact and if he sees her in a store or in the community, he will leave. I am quite concerned, however, as he realizes the addiction but doesn't want to consider relocating as it will cause too much upheaval in our boys' lives (like divorce won't?) and also be very difficult for me to leave my job. Ugh, I hate thinking about all this as I know my trust needs to be in the Lord - but sometimes I want to pull a Scarlett and think about it tomorrow.
Thanks for your comments. It's so awesome to share and receive encouragement from people who have experienced the same pain and broken trust.
Larken

Larken, you need to move. I hate to be blunt but there must be no chance of contact with OW. Your boys must have NC with her boys and as nice as the Christian sentiment of you forgiving the OW is, forgive her in your heart and forgo the letter. NC means NC and three miles between your families is not enough.

Please reread Fred's post. He has given you the nutshell version of how to save your M. Exposure is a must. Without it, I have no doubt that the A will be back on in no time if it is not already. You have made certain that your WH has suffered no consequences for his adultery and he won't even write a NC letter for fear of hurting the OW further.

Call the Harleys and make a coaching appt. Most M counselors do more harm than good especially after an A as you have seen with the first counselors that you saw.

God's Blessings,

Say

hubby must write her a no contact letter, pronto. He needs to tell her the affair was a huge SIN, he loves you and is restoring his marriage and does not want contact with her ever again for any reason.

The fact that he is conflicted about this shows that he is still foggy, probably because of their contact. Also his saying that you might not be the one for him, but he is sticking with his covenant lets you know that he is not thinking right.

Your sons should not be spending time with her kids. She is a threat to their family.

Also the affair should not be kept hidden. I don't care if it is a small town, will ruin his reputation and hers, people have a right to know because he was in ministry.

I can see some powerful work for the Lord if the two of you can turn this around.

As far as forgiving her, yes you should. When she contacts you asking for forgiveness, let her know that you forgive her.

I totally agree! Your H MUST end all contact with her. Period. The cost of exposure is the reaping of his sin. It has nothing to do with his repentance now. God DOES forgive but God also doesn't always prevent the consequences of our sin. He loves us too much for that.

For you and he to hide this from the town under the guise of not besmirching the Lord's name in your community is wrong. Donuts to dollars the town already knows and that's even worse.

Unfortunately, when a man of God falls it DOES cause consequences that may cause people to turn away from God. Look at the more public ones lately. The men who are humble and admit their failings are more likely to be forgiven as opposed to those who refuse to be submissive and try to hide out.

This OW needs to be exposed as well and well before she gets the chance to spin it her way. She is an ENEMY to your marriage. You can forgive her but you would be foolish to believe that she is no longer a threat. She is and always will be because your H and she shared a physical bond. There are soul ties there now.

Welcome to MB. I hurt for you and totally understand. My dad was a minister and now my FWH is one too. You can read my story by the clicking on the link under my name.

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely call the Harleys and make a coaching appointment. I get so frustrated with our counselor as he doesn't seem to confront MH's behavior. (Like not wanting to write the no contact letter.)
As for the exposure. How do I do that without it being a love buster for him? Our kids don't know yet, although, our oldest probably suspects. He once told me he was watching the OW when over at her house and felt like she had "serpent's eyes." I do know that in order for us to keep our boys away from her, they will have to know. Right now they come back and forth pretty readily.
I do feel like this forum will be a huge source of support for me and I appreciate all the advice.
Larken

Exposing is not a LB.

It is bringing the affair into the light. He will get mad.

Your marriage can survive his anger but not the affair. DO not hesitate to expose. EVER!

The best thing you can do for your husband is expose this affair to everyone. The more people who know, the more people to keep him accountable. If your husband gets mad that is ok, he will get over that when he recovers. But your H is being kept a captive of SIN by keeping his secret for him. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this secret enables the fantasy to be fueled and makes it much easier for him to meet his lover. This will happen again if you don't expose the affair.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11


The boy knows. He knows. And he is now questioning his own instincts about right and wrong since no adult will validate what he clearly senses is WRONG. He is being taught to be DISHONEST by keeping this secret. I want to show you some quotes from Dr Harley and I want to assure you that you would be saving your husband if you expose this affair:

here

Please expose. I know it is scary and it may get worse before it gets better but I am living proof that it is the only way! Expose to friends, family, people at work if they work together. Tell them he is having an affair and who it is with, and that you want to save your marriage.

In the long run, it will be better.

I'm still confused. I felt that exposure was something we would do together. Talking to the boys together and confessing it would be the ideal, don't you think? And asking for their forgiveness. I just feel that to do it as an "exposure" would really derail our counseling process. Wouldn't this be more the approach if he was still seeing her and refusing to go to counseling?
Again, I'm scared to death but want to do the right thing and I'm just thrilled that he's committed to the counseling process. We go again on Friday. Should I give him an ultimatum regarding the no contact letter? And tell him I am willing to choose to forgive the OW if she requests it but that I'm committed to the no contact as well.
Larken

Larken-You are getting some great advice and some hard hitters are already weighing in. You need to expose this and it does not have to be done together with your WH(wayward Husband). When exposing, you need to tell the people about the affair, that you want to save your M and ask for their help. Your kids already know that something HORRIBLE is going on, and as MelodyLane said, it is teaching them the WRONG lessons.

When I exposed to my DSx2, my WH told them, "Sometimes Mommys and Daddys don't love eachother anymore. That he wasn't leaving for OW, it was because we couldn't get along anymore. It just wasn't working." Really? Then why did he have to have an affair and not just leave first? I am O&H with my DSx2 about the sitch and it helps them to be O&H about their feelings about it.

You can do this Larken.

EXPOSE.

The NC letter should be a deal breaker. Call the Harleys, Larkin, they will give you advice tailor made to your situation. Don't waste anymore time or money on your counselor. I made that mistake.

God's Blessings,

Say

OK, I'm calling the Harleys this morning and I sent an email to the 2 couples who are our closest friends, asking them to get together. Thank you so much for everyone's advice...I can really see now that my keeping his secret is creating an atmosphere for him to be kept captive. Accountability is what we need and I've been keeping us from it.
Larken

I am praying for you, Larken. R is not an easy task even with our Savior at our side.

God's Blessings,

Say

The Harleys will give much better advice than me so listen to them first.

I wanted to say that your husband being a religious man know the consequences of his actions. At the same time he is foggy, and will deny those consequences. It would be nice for the two of you to expose together, but he will find any excuse to halt the exposure.

you are fragile too, and you have feeling too. Let him know that you are fragile and your family is being abused by his adultry. In order to save his family he needs to break all contact with the OW no matter how she may feel, and move. Move across town, across the state, whatever.

There are no such things as soul mates so do not buy into this talk either. She is not his soulmate.

When you feel that you have enough evidence then expose to the most influencial targets of the OW and your WH. These will most likely be people from the congregation, neighbors, and her family. Expose on your time on your terms. More than likely he will want you to not expose, and he will want you to befriend the poor OW.

Wheels, if you're referring to my post, I said there were soul ties... not that they were soul mates. Big difference spiritually.