Make yourself stop, hon. It does not help. It makes you unattractive and makes the OW seem attractive. You don't want to make that skankho seem attractive, do you?

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Clean up the house, clean yourself up, get your nails and toes done and put on some nice make up.

We will help you get your husband back if you stick with us, ok? but you have to be SMART and not emotional. Your emotions are your biggest enemy right now. So tell them to go away for now, we are busy.

This will be ALL RIGHT, higgs. You will be ok.

Can you please call the doctor on Monday and ask him to prescribe some anti-depressants? This will help you get through this.

Ok, this is something you can work on now. Work on making yourself as attractive as possible. How much weight do you need to lose? Now would be a great time to start a diet and an exercise program.

The plan you should be in is called Plan A. It is described in the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. Can you please go get it tomorrow at the book store? It will help you understand what we are talking about.

Here is an outline of Plan A made by another poster:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

go read this whole thread: here

How do I discover his emotional needs? Do I start on that now even though I'm looking for OW? I know two are probably physicall attraction and affirmation....those are two I am sure of. Do I ask him to take the test or figure it out myself? Thanks for all the help.

Please listen to Melody. She is right on.

Go to your doctor on Monday and get some anti-depressants. I am 46, have advanced degrees, and work in healthcare. I was so proud that I never took meds for any mood issues until now - but I sobbed through my entire STD testing last fall (and it doesn't hurt at all - just a swab and some blood tests). My OB/GYN insisted I take ADs and she was so right. She told me that half the women in her practice have dealt with this issue.

You can cope better with the meds.

I am trying on my weight...it actualy started a few months ago. I found out that I was diabetic, started losing weight from symptoms and then after getting sugar under control, it's been falling off, but too late I guess. I've lost 10 more lbs in just this one week from not eating.
So, he knows I'm actively losing weight...I've lost 50lbs at this point.....but it's going to take time.
He's coming home today from a weekend trip to his sisters...I've checked; he's there. I'm trying to make everything at the house look great and secure, but it's hard. Our house has many issues that need serious recovery...I guess just anything at this point would be helpful.
I'm so thankful of the help here...thanks so much to everyone. I'm in prayer daily asking God to heal this.

Congrats on the 50lbs, I know that is not easy....try to eat healthy food right now, even though I know from experience that is not easy right now because you have lost your appetite...you dont want to get sick....and the Ad's were a livesaver, literally, for me. You are getting great advice from one of the best, Melodylane, so listen to her.

We are here for support. I cried begged and pleaded, It didnt work. I know it is VERY hard but try your best not to do that, K? Oh Hon, I hate to see anyone goin thru this right now, I know it is horrible, just hang in there, k? I have experienced it, and I know you will be okay. You are lucky. You found us early on, I found this website a little too late.....Good Luck.

Ok, I have to keep writing so I don't lose my mind. Here's what I have done. I remember my mom making a comment to me that it seems that my husband is so happy when things are clean, picked up, or fixed up. One of our issues is my selling on Ebay. I have junk everywhere...I love doing it, but it's been the final blow in our marriage. I see that now. Anyway, I'm not doing it anymore for awhile...I've got to start pouring my money and time into my house and marriage. So, early this morning, I cleaned the dreaded Ebay room, put my dishes out on the shelf again, hung pictures, swept, cleaned, burned candles, and made it all look nice. I hope it deposits a lot of points. I'm waiting to get paid to get started on some of the things everyone has suggested in regards to snooping. That will be Wednesday. I have been going through the teacher roster at my husband's school and caling ftd back with varying names. I thought since I can't do too much today, I would at least see if he sees this person everyday at work. There's a lot of names. When I call, they let me try 2 or 3 names each time. Soooo, doing all this helps me keep my mind off it. I keep wanting to call him, but I'm holding back. Just had to writing a little...no one need respond. What would the whole wanting the house to look great thing be for an emotional need? What does that fall under...affirmation?

That is domestic support! Good job on getting the house cleaned up! How do you look today? Do you have on a nice outfit? Is your hair and makeup done?

Also, if you are diabetic, are you on a healthy low carb diet? I know quite a few folks who followed a low carb diet and were able to lose a ton of weight and get their blood sugar under control doing this. They followed this guy here with great success: here

higgs, this is the kind of thing that can erode the love in a marriage. If you do things you know annoys your spouse, it sends the message that you don't care about his feelings. It also ERODES the love he feels for you. I would stop this completely and let him know it was a mistake to continue doing it when he told you he didn't like it.

higgs, what is this about? What did he get tested?

Thanks Melody,

I have quit it completely. I've had a few things on that end tonight and then that's it. Anything else that I have to do with it will be when he is not home...like mailing, etc....then no more.
I did clean-up and fixed my hair...a litte makeup as he is not a big makeup person. I don't feel very pretty right now, so I'm wondering if he will even notice. He's still not home and I keep waiting for him to call and tell me he's not coming. I have been good and not called him at all today...it's been hard not to call and ask when he is coming home, etc.
I am controlling my diet with low carb and all whole wheat. Right now I'm just forcing myself to eat little things now and then...no way a whole meal...makes me want to throw up.

When I'm not cleaning or on here, I'm praying for God to heal and praising him for all he has done for me. I continue to hope.

Higgs,

I noticed that when I was still at home that I did my hair and makeup everyday and I was so sure my WH didn't notice. At least that's what it felt like.

When we had our FR, he admitted that he had indeed noticed that I was taking care of myself and wearing makeup and fixing my hair and would like to see more! He even suggested going to the beauty counters of the department stores just to get tips and mini-makeovers! And in 7 1/2 years of being together, it was a RARE occasion that I wore makeup before all the crap happened.

So, point of the story is, don't think they don't notice. They do, even if they don't show it. Keep doing that, as one way of showing how you are taking care of you.

Higgs,

Read the "inside the wayward mind" thread that N2F bumped. It talks about this exact thing and how to use it to YOUR advantage.

Melody,

I guess I'll just lay out the most personal details here. About the doctor part. When I was 18, my boyfriend messed around on me and then passed a lovely VD on to me....a lifelong gift. Anyway, my husband and I were both going to college to be in the ministry and we had the same goal in mind. I told him on our first official date that I had this problem. He didn't care at all. I wanted to tell him up front as I knew we were so interested in each other. I didn't want to get hurt. Anyway, last week, he told me he was going to the doctor to get blood work and protrate tested....seemed adament about getting it done in a hurry.
He then asked me if there was a test for H. I told him I wasn't sure, but why was he asking? He said that if he had an issue, he didn't always want to borrow my meds. I said, "I thought you told me you had it...he's mentioned several times that he's had things come up that were suspicious. (This was another bell that went off in my head) He also said the he wanted to be sure as to whether he had it or not.

He's got a lot that could interfere....H, 4kids, he claims he's impotent, and I'm his 3rd wife, this is my first marriage. He is also 12 years older than me. He told me when we were dating that the good thing about an older man is that he is past all the cheating stuff. Although he did cheat on his first wife as well.

I never thought that I would be here....we were in the ministry together for 7 years and both wanting to serve God and love the Lord with all our heart soul and mind. When we made a move and he had several failed career opportunities, things went really bad. He pulled away from God, started seperating himself from me by going to Lake by himself(he told me I could not go there; it was his kicken spot....Ok.

I guess that's it in a nutshell

Where's the link for inside the wayword mind? I can't find it.

Ok, I guess I've called ftd enough that they may be getting suspicious. ANyway, someone messed up and gave me the name of florist....now, my question is when people order flowers, does ftd usually try to choose a florist nearby? I don't know that I really discovered anything. I mentioned more name, but nothing.

I am sure you aren't the first, nor will you be the last, spouse to call FTD to find out who their spouse sent flowers.

They do usually try to chose a florist nearby the delivery site.

Ok, husband just called and he's staying another night with his sister. He told me I could call her if I wanted. (to check I guess) Sister's husband is dying and on hospice right now. He's staying there with her through this time...at least for the weekend. (I'm beyond trying to tell if he's lying) Anyway, the house is at least still clean.
I contacted PI and it's going to be $1000 retainer. Does that sound normal? He said that if it's caught early, then they refund the overage. He will put a gps in truck, something on computer. Of course he drives out when he's somewhere suspicious.

I've been good today and not calling him...he's now called twice. This time, he offered to send my parents to check to see he was there....I don't know what to make of that one. Anyway, I was pleasant and understanding and gave him my full attention.

He told me that he understands the whole trust thing...I just would say ok, etc. I never dove into a converstaion about the affair. I was happy that I remained so calm.