Exactly right, know that your spouse has that need, you MAKE it important. The other thread lost my interest. I can't imagine feeling like I've got the golden prize between my legs and everything has to go my way to give it up - no arguments that week, partner didn't leave underwear around, kids asleep, candles lit, not too early, not too late, and on and on............

Preach it!

Having been on the other side of that equation, I can imagine it feels wonderful. Powerful. Desirable. Valuable. Well, until the guy leaves. Then she may feel the opposite. But I can see how it would be very addicting to have all these "supplicants" willing to bow down at the golden altar.

That is why I suggest women who like the feeling of power should think of using their sexuality to also empower their spouse. That way she does not have to give up the feeling of power. But can use it for the benefit of her husband and their marriage. Because frankly, like any other addiction, I see it as very difficult to ask the woman to just give up her habit cold turkey.

Well, Holding, women learn very young that they DO have a lot of power. And it is intoxicating. But healthy women are receptive to their husband and use their sexuality to bind and strengthen the marriage.

It is easy to see how a man might become resentful when absolutely everything has to go exactly right for there to be SF.

I don't have a feeling of power. But if I KNOW they way to fill my spouse's love bank up is SF, then when I choose not to, I shouldn't be surprised when he doesn't like it.

Exactly. And really, isn't SF kind of any easy way to top off the love bank?

My ex loved motorcycle riding. We went to the Laughlin River Run, Sturgis, and Daytona every year. That involved packing all your stuff in a little bag that will fit into the saddle bag, riding for days on the back of a bike, getting there and having a couple days of fun and then returning. Whew!

Might knock off SF in less than half an hour!

Well, I haven't really thought about it, but I guess SF is quicker and easier than RC. If you're shooting for 15 hours a week though, you might want to slow down the SF or get on the back of that Harley again......

Jungian - I was just joking around and thinking how easy having SF as a top EN is. Don't need money, not a lot of time involved........

Well, believer, I was joking too..... But 15 hours a week of SF may not be so easy, but interesting to think about.

Only 15? Well my dream was when I retired.. lol and for years retread I was in training as many times as the gym was open.

retreads point of staying in the SF game being easier than going to the gym after 20 years makes sense to me. Untill my libido took a dive in 2000 every day would have ended well if we had sex together and I allways looked forward to it. Work and the details of life did get in the way of intimacy and we didn't spend enough time together for what I call, "proper emotional foreplay". Such is life. no regrets for missing SF then, I was glad to have it and according to her it was awesome when we could.

I am older now, (52), and the hormone drive isn't what it used to be. Along with other things that are effecting me its understandable that my drive would change. I do feel now that what will get me back in the saddle would be a great relationship with a woman and the tenderness of loving care. That may or may not happen but I know I will not be looking to practice what I allready know will happen if the time and circumstance is right. If there are health issues that need to be addressed I will worry about that when I have to.

Like I told my boys when they started to think about sex. Whats important is the relationship. If you have a girl"freind" you are a freind first right? Thats what drew you to her right?You need to think about whats best for both of you. Sex isn't a sporting event. I've never seen a baby born from a baseball game. Its something much more important and awesome in its time and place. The sexiest thing I ever experianced was having sex with the intention of creating life. (to be honest out of 4 children that only accually hapened onece),Don't worry, when you need it to work the parts will work just fine. You don't have anything to prove. When you are married and see how much more there is to loving someone sex will have more meaning than you can ever imagine now.

To bad lifes experiances do not allways work out that way and beleive me mine didnt. I have come to beleive what I just said was the truth and wished my Dad had said that to me or even talked about thoghts, emotions , whatever but he didn't understand them so he didn't trust those who did. I love him but he was a crappy Dad in that way, awesome in others.

I agree the most important expectation for me will be an honest relationship with myself first then with whomever I might grow close to. If I am happy with me and natural with them I can't see how I can be dissapointed. My desire to please them will be there and with patience and time I am sure I will find a way. Because the hormones have changed thru the years and I am assuming I will not be in competion with others by the time I am sleeping with her it will be a unigue experiance and having expectations based on the past would rob it. It will be completely new as the woman will be in my life. Thats assuming we have stowed the baggage of the past or thrown it away.


What believer stated seems to be the healthiest attitude in my opinion. She loves sex but doesn't allways think about it. Us guys are wired to initiate sex and she responds to her H when he does. I am sure he has worked to have that kind of openess to intimacy in the marriage from his girl, as she has.


There are many women who do not recieve attention from thier husbands in the area of SF. Also those who think thats all H cares about because other interests they have are ignored. To me, it will happen if its not the most important thing in the marraige. Because its natural and free and a physical expression of tenderness and care for each other. SEx shouldn't be an expectation. That is to me putting the cart before the horse.

But if two healthy people who used to desire to be with each other sexually stop having it, there must be a problem that needs to be addressed. Well needs to be if they want to stay sexually active, and who doesn't?

Radical honesty with someone who you trust loves you and cares for you can bring out those issues that ensure intimacy that might even be more precuious than the act of sex itself.

Thats just my take on it and my thoughts. Tenderness, respect and a demonstrated care for each other precedes good sex. All the parts will work when the time comes but the most important part of sex is the mind

SSO,
Do you agree with me about it not necessarily being bad that the edge goes off physical arousal (like a young man might have looking at a beautiful stranger in a bikini), because it let's you more easily distinguish between feelings of love and affection for one woman vs physical arousal?

I am guessing that someone who suffered a sudden, and maybe just temporary loss of libido due to an injury, surgery or medication might be more capable of recognizing this, than someone who gradually experiences decreased testosterone levels or some other physical change due to aging or a chronic disease like diabetes.

Exactly!

Yes, I've been thinking about women who stay angry and cold for a week when there is a disagreement. No SF for a week! YIKES! I imagine the husband being obsessed with trying to do everything right, because one false step and out goes the SF.

Men won't stay obsessed with trying to do everything right for very long when the odds are slim on making his wife happy. When it doesn't happen, he feels like he failed, or worse, that he was betrayed. Discouragement turns into apathy and then the trying stops.

Some women's tempers heat up a lot faster than they cool off, which is not good physics.

For others, it is not anger, but simmering resentment over this or that they didn't get, don't have, or someone else has nicer. They can't ride by and see the flowers blooming without thinking about how their yard doesn't have ones as pretty. If they ever hit a rough spot in their marriage, they can't get over it, even when things are going well for them, and they'll bring it up whenever they aren't happy about something else.

Others, as mentioned above, think everything is just fine, but just don't think about being affectionate, loving and sexual. They love have SF five times a year. Doesn't their husband? Why isn't that enough for him?

This sounds like general SF observations, but I am thinking about those who are older and have been married longer, where SF has been ignored for a long time. Both men and women need to wake up and get to work on it, because some of the other items that may be unattended, like Attractive Spouse, and Recreation, are not as easy to achieve the older one gets.

It would be a pleasant improvement if she only stayed angry and cold for one week.

What are y'all's thoughts on the whole testosterone therapy thing? DH mentioned it this weekend. I admit I did a happy dance inside. But I don't know much about it.

And others WANT to want to have SF but their hubbies continue LB-ing.

My own H told me once that he was trying to be as annoying as possible in a passive way (no affection, 1-word sentences, him in front of the TV, not showering for a few days or brushing his teeth, being unassertive in the lovemaking department, disregarding my attempts to establish intimacy - whether in general or in a fight - if I didn't do it in a way that was sufficiently apologetic, you know, all those things that can easily be attributed to not paying attention rather than malice) BECAUSE he felt that me putting all those 'conditions' on SF was being MEAN.

If I really loved him, I'd do him even with all these things.

And nope, that didn't work. Killed SF for a week on end, too. So the week-long cooldown period is definitely affected by whether a H helps or hinders reconnecting!

I worked with a fellow a few years ago, much younger than I (40 vs my 58 then) who was diabetic and had problems due to low testosterone levels. He went on a testosterone patch and said the effect in his libido, attitudes, work ethic, etc were soon and dramatic. I didn't quiz him, just heard what he told me.

It's worth getting it tested, and he could do it the same time as a blood test for PSA levels.

He is getting a physical very soon. he also has low energy, some trouble concentrating, and he has put on some weight (that isn't an AS job, it's just a symptom). I of course would like the SF part that might change, but I really do want him to feel like he has more get up and go (and NO I DIDN'T mean that as some innuendo...I bet I know exactly who thought that though!!)