Have the PI do it for you - call him with her name, the address, etc. Tell him the information, and the fact is....

They are likely together after school today.


Have the PI go there tonight, and maybe tomorrow during your hubby's LUNCH TIME.

Because your husband is NOT staying at the lake.


No way.
Your husband isn't too smart. He's pretty obvious.

Oh - and be prepared for him to say stupid crap like, "I just started this AFTER I MOVED OUT. We are separated, so it really doesn't count."


SB

wow, that would be as of today. He just officially announced it last night.

Is there an order to exposing. Do you go to the ow first, employee? Does husband just find out as others fine out? If he loses his job, what happens to me? We're both teachers and I'm sure it will end up in firing both of them.

Your WH should not find out until others find out. Be prepared for him to be angry, take it personally, make it all about him and how this impacts him.

My WH lost his job (he had tenure but had violated it by having the A at work during work time, as did OW). OW lost hers. Everyone knows. It's all awful, and it is all a consequence of the A.

It woke him up to consequences. It made him realize what garbage she is. It made him realize what he was doing to his life.

Nothing should happen to you at work. You aren't doing anything wrong. If you save your marriage, the exposure is worth it. Otherwise, you are going to have to live with the consequences of his A anyhow, and so are your children.

Expose to your parents, your children, his sister, and her family, then your friends and husband's friends.

When you expose to HR, you need to do it without ANY EMOTION. Do it in writing, because it is an official document that will go into his personnel record. If the OW is an instructional assistant the district WILL reassign her to another campus or somewhere that they will not have daily contact. He will be written up. Absolutely make sure it is professional. There are some examples here on threads, so look for one. Do NOT name-call, or bash either one of them. Just report the FACTS, and that they are violating personnel rules, if they are.

He won't lose his job, but it will affect his performance review.

DO NOT WARN HIM THAT YOU ARE GOING TO EXPOSE. If you warn him, he will do advance damage-control, and tell everyone that YOU have gone nuts, and "think" he is having an affair.

The truth is that everyone at work probably already suspects or knows anyway. Most things that happen in a school are fairly obvious and teachers don't generally miss much (is this genetic, because I could never get away with anything!).

Be prepared for him to be VERY ANGRY. He will say stuff like:

I will never come home now.
You have ruined me.
I will never trust you again.
You did this out of spite.
My OW would never treat me this way.
I would have come home before, but now that you did this I won't.


Also, when you expose, you need to make SURE that you do not say anything negative about the OW at all. This is NOT about her.

It is about the marriage. You want to say something to your friends and family like:

"I have discovered that my H is having an affair with OW. I want for him to stop his affair because I love him and want our marriage to be restored. Our marriage CAN recover from this affair, and I am prepared to forgive him and work on the problems and issues we have, but we can't until he completely rids our lives of his affair partner. I thought our marriage was a good marriage until the affair began, but I now recognize that we need to do some work on it. Please do what you can to discourage this infidelity - please help me and our children to maintain an intact family. Please don't allow the OW into your home, and please encourage my husband to come home and work on our marriage. We can rebuild our marriage."


Explain at age-appropriate levels to your kids.

Then, wait for your husband to call you and yell.

He will.


OW may also call. CALMLY tell her, "I understand you are upset. This would not have happened if you had made the correct moral choice in your life. Stay away from my husband and family forever and you will have no further issues with me." And HANG UP.


When you speak with your husband, repeat the MB mantras:

-We can save our marriage, leave your affair partner because we cannot rescue our love if another person is involved in our lives.

-Your affair is the cause of the problems in our marriage right now. We can get beyond everything else, once you stop your affair. Come home, and let's get started working on moving forward.

-I understand you are angry. I love you and know we can work together to rebuild our marriage.

-I am willing to forgive your affair, and know that our marriage can get past your anger, but that we cannot get past having a third person in the marriage.

-I love you and am sure that we can get through this together.

-I believe in our marriage, and I believe in you. I want to work on our marriage, please stop your affair and come home.


Stay with the theme of stopping the affair, that you will forgive, that you believe in the marriage. Don't vary from that.

Don't vary off target -NO MATTER WHAT HE SCREAMS.

If he yells about ANYTHING, tell him that you believe in the marriage.

SB

Higgs, since the PI is going to get started tomorrow anyways, I would wait for that...it will give you PROOF for when you expose and no one can deny proof from a P.I. Hopefully he will get pics.

You expose ALL AT ONCE. This is truly crucial, higgs...you want to expose to everyone before your WH and POSOW have a chance to spin it.

OW in my sitch was a teacher as well and I exposed to her entire school. I'll try to find my exposure thread and link it for you so you can see what exposure looks like and how to word it.

My H's A ended the DAY I exposed, BTW.

If he loses his job, how will I support my family? As a teacher, he could lose his credentials and never teach again. Should I tell ow what I know about herpes, etc.

Say nothing about the herpes.

If he loses his job he'll find another one. So he won't teach. He can be a ditch digger, a potato peeler, a...anything.

Don't let fear keep you from acting unless you want to lose your M.

Here ya go...my Exposure Thread.

Yes, you can't worry about his job right now...you need to end this A and give your M a chance to survive. Everything else will work out...don't let the fear stop you, ok?

Exposure is not optional...it's mandatory.

If he loses his job because he violated the rules, he won't lose his credentials. He can get another job where he won't work with her. To save the marriage, he has to stop working with her anyway, forever.

He may only be disciplined, however, he will need to stop working with her because they can never have contact again.

Please don't let this fear stop your exposure. Exposure will work when other, safer strategies don't.

If the OW is divorced and supporting herself, she is going to want to hang onto her job too. Prepare for your WH to be dumped quickly.

Exposure bursts the fantasy bubble. They will have to deal with the consequences of what they are doing, just like you have been dealing with all along.

Most districts are too afraid of unions to fire teachers. Seriously true.

IF this is even against district policy (and it MIGHT NOT BE - seriously, again) he MIGHT get written up. Period.


I hate to say this, but here it is. Districts fear lawsuits. They are afraid of the union and teacher's associations. So, they have these very strict procedures they follow, and they are very wimpy when it comes to "firing" a teacher. I mean this with all the love in my heart.

Having an affair with another employee is rarely a firing offense. Usually it is a "gossip" offense, meaning that it got folks talking and that bugged people. So they quietly reassign people. They make up a reason - and get this, it will be a POSITIVE REASON - to move one of the affairees somewhere else.

"Oh, Mr. Smith has been moved to head up the reading program at Swenson High, he is the ONLY person with the credentials and background and training to do that." And they will PUBLICIZE it as the best thing since sliced bread.

Watch and see if I'm not wrong.

Meanwhile, in the background, they MIGHT get written up. No lie.


They put a happy face on in public, and smack you upside the head in the file if they believe they can. They WILL have a private meeting with someone about the affair, about the letter you sent. That much will happen. Beyond that, IF anything else happens, it would shock me. Unless, of course, the pseudo-promotion. That wouldn't shock me.


Sb

The exception MIGHT be if Mr. Smith managed to get this put in the newspaper........

Then they wouldn't fire him. They would ask him to resign. He would NOT have a mark on his record, and technically WOULD be eligible for rehire, so if the next district called for references, everything is VERY NICE to look at.

He could EASILY get a new job, no sweat.

Happens EVERY DAY.

Higgs,

Several posters have said it to you and I am chiming in about the effectiveness of exposure. It is scary as heck for all parties. But, it is EXTREMELY effective in ending the A. I am a FWW. I had 2 d-day's. For Dday#1, my BH "trusted me to end it myself." As you might imagine, that sounded great at first but failed miserably. For Dday #2, my H exposed to OMW about 5 minutes into our discussion. The A ended immediately. I've never had to deal with contact from OM I would imagine because he is scared to death of my H and his BW after that phone conversation. I wish my H would have made the call on Dday#1. It would have saved us both a lot of heart ache. It sounds crazy coming from a FWW, but I am very very grateful that my H exposed. One day, your WH will be as well.

My FWH has also thanked me for exposing.

Recently I asked him if he was angry about exposure and he paused, looked at me thoughtfully for a few minutes...and said "I can't even remember...it's all a blur."

One of the best things I did was exposing. It went horribly at the time and WH was furious, and I got lots of negative comments, but OW H is a VERY valuable ally and so is my MIL. Expose expose expose!!!

See? It can turn out well!!

SB is correct about the union helping. While my WH was a tenured employee, he and the OW did break the rules and engage in the A on campus during work time. The HR Director and the union agreed that they violated policies that tenure did not protect. They did help negotiate a settlement. He got paid for the rest of the year, nothing in his file, they publicized it as him resigning and they legally cannot give him a bad recommendation. He had to agree never to apply for a job there again, which he won't. There is nothing to stop him from going elsewhere. He was also entitled to unemployment, which is paying for our insurance.

In a way, it was better than if he had just resigned and got nothing, which he would have had to do to save our marriage because I would not have accepted them working together.

Ok, I read the thread....what message board? Are you saying that I should write a statement like that and post it on the bulletin boards around school? Should I send letters to the whole staff? I work at a different middle school and worry what they will do to me for having put this out there.

I posted it on the message board where they met...it was a board for runners, coolrunning.com.

I wasn't necessarily saying you need to expose on a message board but wanted you to see how I worded it.

I would email the principal and the staff at the school where they work, yes, and maybe even the superintendant.

Also start gathering info on the OW...family, parents, friends, etc. and put them on your exposure list as well.

What list do you have going for your family and close friends?