I wonder if anybody would care to describe their experiences with the 6 month rage? I've read many times that about 6 months into recovery, the BS experiences a renewed rage. On average, how long does this last? Are there any ways the FWS can help ease the rage (other than the general daily MB based R requirements)? I am 6 mos post Dday 1 and 3 months post Dday 2. Being naturally pessimistic, I am expecting the 6 month rage to begin now and last for the next 3 months, plus however long a typical 6 month rage lasts. Ugh. As mentioned many times, the A is the miserable gift that keeps on giving. If anyone could predict this much pain, would they ever let themselves fall into this ignorant trap? I hope not.

It's different for everyone...IMHO, the best thing the FWS can do to help the BS through it is to be EXTRA kind, loving and remorseful...to NEVER show an ounce of frustration or anger back, and to apologize profusely during this time.

u233, this happened to me around 9 months. And it only lasted a couple of weeks and then I felt much better after that. I haven't really heard of someone lasting 3 months.

Mine lasted about 3 weeks. It was fierce. I think it happened because reality came into focus. After D-day we had the usual rollercoaster, complicated by OW's harrassment complaints at work, an investigation, my H and her being fired, being in court with her over ROs - the never ending drama.

At 6 months, it was as if we were in Berlin after WWII - standing in wrecked buildings wondering how to repair now that no more bombs were droping.

I wanted to rip his face off for the devestation he caused. It got better, our MC reminded me of the 6 months of progress we had under our belt and the prognosis to keep making progress.

Happened to me at about 7 months. My frustration resulted in me onfronting continued lies in counseling and she bolted. I was frustrated in that nothing was happening... we were on a downhill cruise control... I think disillusionment sets in and the spouse must be willing to be there for you when it hits, otherwise it is hard. Just don't ACT OUT on your frustration if you can help it. Hopefully this will pass you by and your marriage will remain intact.

I had one. I don't recall how long it lasted, not too long, though.

I was angry because I felt like he wasn't pulling his share of the load for recovery.

I was the one buying the books, doing the reading, working on the "relationship". He was answering the questions, but I had to ask the exact question and work at figuring out what to even ASK. I was about to brain him with a brick.

During my reading, I ran across a statistic that said that when marriages fail after a husband has an affair and the two try to restore it, it tends to happen at around the six-month mark. This appears to be because the wife feels she is doing the relationship "work" and the husband is passive in the activity, tending to rely on her to do the reading and guide the process, and basically he sits back and waits for her to "recover" from his infidelity. The fact that he is doing nothing but waiting makes her angry, and she sees it as a lazy attitude, and she leaves the marriage.

I told him that I was at that point - and we were at six months out. And didn't he SEE THE POINT HERE?????


He was shocked.

And he got to work.


Yep. Things picked up from there!

SB

Thanks for your replies. It could be that my H is not experiencing the rage. He doesn't seem angry but rather increasingly depressed. As you all said in the beginning of my time here, it would never work if my H continued to work with OM. He has and I think the weekly trigger is making life much harder. I know I owe it to my H to bear the load of R. I'm still firmly resolved the carry the weight, do all the work, and accept that if I am unhappy, it is something I deserve because of what I did. I am just feeling down about it right now. Whether it is the 6 month rage or perpetual A induced depression, I gotta do whatever it takes to help my DH.

They say depression is anger turned inward...I don't know if that is entirely true but seeing OM at work has to be eating BH up. A fine line separates sadness from anger so do not dismiss any potential anger that BH is battling inside. What is being done about the job situation? That needs to be a priority as it is a constant slap in the face to BH.

If/when BH gets enraged, I suggest you do not get defensive or start the water works. Try to offer comfort, but realize there will be little you can say or do that will register with him. There is a big difference between anger and all out rage. I don't think pure rage can be sustained long but the anger will come and go. My rage came within 2 months and was short lived. The anger comes in cycles and it is NOTHING compared to the rage. Do not expect his anger to be a once time event. From your POV, it may come out of nowhere but for BH it will have always been there.

On the off chance, if BH never reveals his anger...it is still likely there. He may not want to deal with it or doesn't know how to deal with it. Watch his actions for cues.

blackraven,

I think you are right about the anger being turned inward. I think he is managing his anger in such a way that it seems like depression or sadness to me but he has to be dealing with a lot of hate inside. I'm not expecting the anger to go away soon or maybe it will never go away. That is why I am trying to prepare myself for a lifetime of sadness. I just keep telling myself that it is the price I pay for what I did to him.

Nothing is being done about the job situation. My H will never quit working there until he retires in 4 years. Ugh! 4 years of weekly trigger. ugh

One other thing - I am not getting defensive or turning on the water works. However, when I sense that he is upset, it makes me upset too (sad, melancholy, but not crying or mad). I think that irritates him even more. Many times my mom has encouraged me to not link my feelings to his. I just don't knw how. If he is upset, I'm going to be upset too.

Well don't prepare yourself for a lifetime of sadness. MB is not about living a lifetime of marital hell. However, at the very least you will have years of ups and downs. If BH is dead set against other employment that will make R all the more difficult....likely 4 yrs of limbo hell and then add a few more years of healing from those 4 yrs of limbo/trigger hell. Your marriage is at risk for the next 4 years (minimum) with this plan. Good luck.