I've heard opinions expressed that affairs don't affect older children (my WW is one who has expressed this opinion). My 19 y/o son told me he blames HIMSELF for the affair!!! He felt he wasn't being a good enough example FOR HIS MOTHER!!! I reassured him that it wasn't his place to be an example for her, but her responsibility is to be an example for him. Our 17 y/o daughter told me she is not getting married. Now I grew up with a house full of boys, none of whom considered marriage to be a desirable thing in their immature minds, but to have a late teenage girl say she's going to forego one of the greatest experiences of life because of her mother's A says a lot about the devastating impact of an A on children of any age. I'm 51 and still look forward to seeing both of my parents in the same household. Not only does the destruction of the home affect children of any age IMHO, they bear an unjustified sense of guilt about their role in the breakup.

Anyone who thinks that an affair doesn't affect the family is completely crazy. It is always devastating.

I hope they speak with their mother. And you can tell them that you have a plan. Sometimes that helps.

That is a wayward opinion for sure! yikes! Affairs effect even 50 year old children.

When I buried my father in 2006, his "girlfriend" [how a terminally ill man finds a "girlfriend" was beyond my comprehension - it was all very secretive] showed up with a picture and asked that I display it at his wake. After she left, I saw that the picture was of her and my father from 1979. I asked one of my father's numerous X-wives how this could be, and she told me "honey, that was your daddy's mistress for 35 years."

Apparently, I was the last to know. But by that time, his obituary had already been submitted to the paper - BY ME - and listed his mistresses' name alongside those of his surviving mother and children. ugh..

Discussing this with your kids gives you an opportunity to work out misunderstandings about their own role in the affair. Most kids find out about affairs eventually and it is a disaster when they have no guidance whatsoever.

Dr Harley says that finding out about his grandfather's affair affected his life in a profound way. He was able to see the devastation of the affair on his grandmother, and because of this, has followed extraordinary precautions to ensure he never does the same.

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SF, the IDEAL outcome here would be that SEVERAL people speak to your wife within a very short period of time. Exposure should be like a tsunami for her where she is constantly forced to explain her adultery. Please finish up any exposures now to get the maximum effect and ask them expressly to speak to her. Some may not, and that is ok. If they don't then you should tell her they know all about her affair.

I would also have that discussion I suggested earlier expressing your unwillingness to stay in a loveless marriage. Staying in the basement with no plan to recover your marriage IS NOT A PLAN. It is a state of limbo that will tear you down emotionally the longer it goes on. It is unacceptable. And if she is not going to work on the marriage, what is she doing there?

Whew, what a day. Long conversations with both of her sisters, my brother and my mother. They all know what's been happening. My brother's sister is one of her best friends. She'd gotten all the down and dirty on me, but was unaware of the real reason my WW and I have had problems. A real eye-opener to all of them. I'm concerned about two people who know. They tend to have the "whatever makes you happy is OK" perspective on life. I'm afraid they'll undermine efforts others of us are making to show WW that what she's doing is not OK.

I want to thank all of you who encouraged me to take this step. I probably never would have done it if you hadn't told me to. I feel in control for the first time in a long time. Whatever happens is OK; I now feel like I have an upper hand on at least something.

Good job. Don't worry too much about the two 'enablers'. You got the truth out there and that speaks volumes to whomever listens.

Action is a much better plan than hope.

Hello, MelodyLane!
I had the "loveless marriage" discussion with her. She said she wanted the two of us to co-exist in the same house. I told her that was unacceptable: I didn't marry a roommate, I married a wife. She asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her no, I want us to work on our problems. As of now she's still here. I'm not sure how long that will last after she gets some calls from her family.

Thanks, SoL! It sounds like you had a brutal deployment. My WW developed her friendship with the OM while I was deployed, too. There are a lot of snakes in the grass around the homes of lonely military wives. I'm thankful I didn't have to deal with the ILYBINILWY speech while sitting off the coast of Africa.

SF, you are doing great! Just keep telling her you won't remain in a loveless marriage, this will not work for you. I would tell her this will result in divorce.

And don't worry about the enablers. There is always a few in every crowd. They are the fair weather friends who don't really care and hide behind idiotic statements like "I just want her to be happy." I suppose we are fortunate she is not a serial killer, huh?

Please be sure and find a way to snoop on her. Can you hire a PI to tag her? I strongly suspect she is still seeing him.

SF- Yes, the timing was pretty bad but I'm doing better working a plan.

Listen to Mel. She is an absolute expert in this stuff.

Also, I agree completely. Do not let her think you guys will be 'buddies' after all this. My WW thought the same thing. Actually suggested we get divorced, but continue living together in the same house. It is actually a pretty common view from a wayward, although completely unrealistic.

Stay strong, continue to snoop, and work your plan.

Thanks again, everyone. I'm confused about one thing: how does all of this talk of divorce and confrontation on living arrangements fit into a plan A? I guess I had a picture of a BS in plan A as one who is avoiding such interactions, for now.

SF, keep in mind that Plan A does not mean appeasement or conflict avoidance. Its only purpose is to negotiate an end to the affair and get a committment to work on the marriage. There is no plan for a spouse to become a roomate and move into the guest room. She has to be told that is not acceptable. Otherwise, she will continue to eat cake for years on end.

For some reason she does not want to work on the marriage, and I suspect the reason is because she is still in contact with the OM. That has to be flushed out and brought out in the open before you can move forward.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, SickofLimbo.

Thanks. How do you find a PI? Go to the yellow pages?

Ya know, I would call up the sheriff's department and ask them if they can give you a recommendation. Cops usually know who is good. Another source for referrals would be your human resource department [we use a PI at my company] or your attorney.

What would I do with the information? Confront her with it as soon as I get it, or put it in my back pocket for use later?

When you get it, you would want to confront her with it. But come here first and we will help you build a plan to use it in the most strategic way.

WHY DO THEY DO IT?? When they're balancing the equation of pain vs pleasure, how could the pleasure of an affair ever come out ahead? I just can't believe it's selfishness alone. Surely nobody could REALLY be that selfish. There has to be an associated mental disorder, something which blinds them to any sense of reality, any ability to REALLY consider the feelings of another, which drives them toward self-gratification as their sole goal. Selfishness is certainly a big part, but surely it can't be the only part. To me, the destruction that results to everyone associated with an adulterer (including him/herself) and the lack of consideration of such destruction (at least an inability to stop when such destruction is contemplated) points to some mental defect. But, I'm not a psychiatrist, just a BH.

WW is seriously PO'd today. As you predicted, she reacted badly to being outed to her family. The head side of me understands it was the right thing to do, but the heart side of me wonders. I feel like I've done to her what she's done to me (in a very small way, of course). It hurt her badly. But, it was time her comfortable little cocoon was broken. The moth that emerged from it was the ugliest insect on God's green earth. She said she's going to find an apartment as soon as she gets the chance. For the first time ever, I told her "whatever you want to do" after she made that statement. As the day went on I began feeling worse and worse. Yes, she's brutalized our family, but I can't imagine coming home and not having her here. I sent her a text message telling her how I wanted to talk and to work on our problems. Her #1 EN is family commitment, so I appealed to that side of her and asked her work with me to heal our marriage so our family could once again be whole. She replied that if I really cared about family I'd have never told her family about her A. She sent a text to our son, asking him why he felt he needed to talk to his aunts rather than her. He didn't reply, which I think is a good thing. I told her this morning that her children don't really talk to her. His lack of reply proves my point. I reassured him again that he did the right thing in calling his aunts, and that in no way was her A due to anything he did or didn't do. She is still seriously fogged-out and living in lala land.

standingfast, please do not allow this to upset you. Her reaction means this was a direct hit. What you did was the equivalent of bringing in a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high.

They are FURIOUS because you have interefered with their high. And of course they would be furious if you EFFECTIVELY interfered with their crack high.

What you have done is the best thing for your marriage. You have shined the light on the affair. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

Keep in mind that the goal here is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid her anger at all costs. I know you men get really, really anxious when your wife gets angry, but you need to put those feeelings aside and remember that her anger is FOR A GOOD REASON. You just took the car keys away from the drunk.

You did good!! Now, just stay the course and look for any opportunity to cause PROBLEMS in the affair. You have them on the ropes so anything you can do will help. And don't allow her to bait you into a fight or scare you. You will be fine.

sf, if she comes after you, just tell her "hon, I am so sorry you are upset. Can I get you a potato chip?"

And I will repost Dr Harley's very wise words about exposure:

here

Thanks again, MelodyLane. You've been a tremendous blessing to me, keeping my flip-flopping mind focused on the ultimate goal.