Hang in there! You didn't do this to her - she did it to herself (and all of you).

Her reply that if you really cared about her, you would have kept her secret just shows how foggy she is. You do care about her, the real her, and you are fighting for her and your marriage and your family!

Caring about her, really loving her, means you have to do what is best for her. Not what is convenient, or easy or fun. That's the OM's temporary, self-centered way. It's not love, and that is why it won't last.

What you are doing is love.

You will be fine! Everyone gets spooked by the fallout when they expose, but it quickly blows over. We have had members actually PUKE when their WS lashed out at them. But they aren't sick now that their marriages are recovered and happy.

Hang in there, standingfast. Melody is our best. She won't lead you wrong.

The reason WS's are so selfish has something to do with endorphins in the brain. Kind of like a junkie - they will do anything for the high.

We've seen it all here, women meeting a stranger online and leaving her family to fly across the country to live with him, men deserting their wives and children to move in with someone they've only known a week. There is no making sense of it. Completely crazy.

SF- Don't try to figure out the 'why' they do it. It will only make your head hurt. Don't appologize for standing up to this affair either. You are doing well and you did the right thing here.

Remember the mantra "I will do whatever it takes to save this marriage". Stay consistent and stay strong. You will survive this, with or without her.

Thanks again, everyone. The support is so welcome. It's nice not feeling alone again.

Where am I now, and can I trust anything she's saying at this time? By where am I now, what I mean is what do I do next? If she remains unwilling to work on our M, what's my next step?

"Can I trust anything she's saying" comes from her ongoing statement for the reason she had the affair. She blames 20 years of frustration with my libido as her reason for establishing her friendship with the OM. If I can trust what she's saying, I don't see how our problems will be fixed even after the A is over. A little background on me and our relationship. WW and I are polar opposites when it comes to libido. To say we're on a different page doesn't come close to describing it. If I were on the front page of a copy of war and peace in the library of congress, she'd be on the back page of the same book in the Beijing library written in Chinese. If there were libraries on the moon, to say one of us would be occupying the same work of literature written in an alien language would come closer to explaining our differences. We've been this way since we first married. So, if I can trust what she's saying, I don't know how to fix the problem. Am I looking too far ahead?

Thanks again. I couldn't have come this far without you.

SF- Unfortunately you cannot trust most of what she says. Pay more attention to her actions instead of her words. As far as the next step, Plan A is followed either with recovery, or Plan B. Keep in mind that this stuff takes time. Usually a lot of time and you need to keep your immediate expectations in check. This is a marathon and not a sprint.

Keep reading and be patient. You must show consistency for your WW to believe the changes. Us BSs want to see immediate results, unfortunately that rarely happens. Remember that your Plan A actions are like throwing rocks into a stream. You can't see the progress right away, but over time, those rocks pile up and then eventually you can cross the stream.

As far as your different libidos..... That is something you can work out in recovery. If you both become focused on making each other happy, Dr. H has a method to get a couple in sync.

Have you read any of the MB books? I strongly recommend His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

It's just their nature. It's who they are. It would be comforting to say it's a mental disorder but it is simply their character. Very few can change.

Oh, I think most change. If she was a good wife before, she can be a good wife again. Once the affair is over, there is no contact, and she gets through withdrawal, she will be her old self again. My ex, during the affair, was selfish and cold. After the affair ended, he was the man I married again. I could even see it in his eyes. Unfortunately we were divorced by then.

If people couldn't change, there would be no sense in any of us wasting time on this board. Over the years I've seen many, many drastic turnarounds, even miracles.

Yes, that's the few I spoke of. Generally, people suck.

I've seen too many people change here. Happens all of the time. We have many posters (WS's) that were absolutely horrible during the affair, I mean really, really selfish, who are model spouses now. And most BS's are thankful that they gave it their all to try to save the marriage. It didn't work out for me, but I have no regrets at all.

You've cracked her shell. Of course she's PO'd. Good job, sf. 'As soon as she gets a chance'?? That's her return shot, aimed from the hip. You're handling this well.



Which is exactly what would happen if you allowed the A to continue unchecked.


This is very good to know. She's got to look at the damage she would be causing to her #1 need. This may not happen overnight, mind you. But if it is #1 it'll be showing up shortly.


Yep, she sure is. Keep doing what you're doing, and don't second-guess yourself. You are the man in this household and you don't plan on handing the reins of your family over to OM.

Nice.

Have you considered confronting OM? I think a man to man talk could be in order.

What state do you live in? An alienation of affection lawsuit could work as well.

This is a terrible time for you. You're a doc, so you can check this yourself. Odds are really high that your BP is out of whack. It's a common problem. I have some mild cardial hypertrophy from my ordeal.

There is a guide out there called the 180 which is a guide. It's not MB. But it has helped some people and it is not incompatible with MB.

You've read up on Plan A, but part of that is to to fight the urge you will have to discuss things with her constantly.

As much as you're hurting inside, it is time to perk up. Fake it till you make it.

That means:

No relationship talk.
Be cheerful and friendly.
Do stuff with your kids. Invite WW to go with you, but if she refuses, then take them anyways.

Give the appearance that you're carrying on with living life and are doing your best to enjoy it. Show indifference towards her joining you or not. You won't be dragged down by a Debbie Downer.

Don't be so ready to be at her disposal and act like a lost puppy dog. Part of what makes you appealing again is NOT being so available. Think of how unattractive desperation and clingyness is and move away from that.

You can be warm and inviting without being standoffish. Do some things you haven't done before.

Start baking and time things to be done for when she comes home from work or from being out. Make home a warm and welcoming place.

But you're playing a delicate balance right now. You want to be warm and welcoming and friendly, but you don't want to be a doormat that will tolerate her behavior.

Defend your kids. Don't let her question your kids reactions to this stuff. SHE is the one that messed up, not them.

Learn to reverse fog babble. Search for that thread on here.

When she says things like, "I don't want to be in a loveless marriage," you respond with, "Good, I don't either. We agree then."

There are many more examples. But waywards are broken records, so have a set of responses at the ready for when they babble.

If she starts attacking you for how crappy a husband you are, then find a way to change the subject or walk away. You don't have to take that abuse. Others might tell you to repeat back to her what she says to show you're listening, but I'm inclined to showing indifference towards her attacks. The response, "want a cookie?" is often suggested.

Greet incoherent wayward rambling with similar incoherence of your own. It can become quite funny and keeps you from defending yourself.

Google "infidelity and the 180" and see what you think. It's a good guide on how to behave for now. It's a guide and nothing more. Tailor it to your needs.

Best of luck.

Consider contacting OM and telling him to stop contacting your WW. It might not get you anywhere, but it could put him on notice that you won't be easy to deal with.

Just sit back for now and continue telling her that you love her but will not stay in a loveless marriage. Plant that seed. Continue to invite her to bed, to work on your marriage.

In the meantime, keep working on causing conflict in the affair. Snoop like a bloodhound!!

And MaiMai, people can and do change all the time!! helpforlostdads, Marraige Builders does NOT recommend the 180! It recommends Plan A.

(This may be a duplicate. My earlier attempt timed-out.) Her family is circling the wagons. They think they are protecting their sister from the vengeful husband, but unfortunately they are leaving her outside where the arrows are flying. I'm afraid they are a bunch of enablers who won't do anything to help WW because "they don't want to get involved". One sister has blocked my phone, and the other won't answer. Her mother doesn't know yet. The plan is to have WW tell her when her sisters can be with her (we live in two different states). There isn't an example of a strong marriage in her family. Each of her sisters has been divorced (one twice), her only cousin has been divorced three times, her only uncle a similar number of times, and her parents lived for years miserable in a loveless marriage. Her twice-divorced sister is nearing her third divorce. The examples on my side of the family aren't much better. None have any idea of MB concepts.

WW remains as angry as I've ever seen her. She thinks my motive for telling her family was revenge. I want to reveal my real motive (exposure), but that probably wouldn't be a good idea, right? So what should I do, just wait it out until the storm blows over? Should I even try to call her family? I feel like I'm fighting a battle for good against an army of weaklings who think that non-involvement is best. I'm a doer: if something is broken, my personality is to try and fix it. But would I be making things worse if I tried to fix this mess (i.e. the family who now hates me)? I don't care if I'm viewed as a vengeful you-know-what by her family if it means WW will come out of the fog and begin working with me to heal our marriage.

Your ongoing support and advice is craved more than ever. Thanks so much.

SF, this all sounds great! Your exposure had a great effect!


SF, get thee [censored] to the phone TODAY and call the mother. You need to speak to her before anyone else spins the story to her. You need her support very much! Mothers have been known to kill affairs!

If there are any more exposures that need to be done, GET THEM DONE NOW, so you will a) get the greatest impact and b) get your moneys worth. If she is going to be angry, you might as well make it worth your while.

What you CANNOT DO is to allow her to scare you into silence. See, that is what she and her enablers are trying to do: scare you off!! You have hit the target so your WW needs you stop messing with her affair. But it would be a MISTAKE to allow them to scare you off. Don't let a wayward drive your battle plan!

As far as the fallout, you cannot let that bother you. Some people are friends of the marriage, and others ARE NOT. Lets keep some perspective here and remember WHY you exposed. You did it to save your marriage, NOT TO GET EVERYONE'S APPROVAL. You don't need anyone's approval to do the right thing.

So!! Let's get back to business and stop allowing the SHOCK AND AWE of the wounded wayward to DIVERT you from your battle plan. You cannot let an angry, embittered wayward and her enabler sisters guide your plan. LET those of us who have saved our marriages using these same tactics be your guide.

Get back out there!!

Yes, a few can manage it. I hope his wife is one as are some of the FWW's here.

Get on the phone and call these people starting with her mother. Tell her you love your wife and are trying to save your marriage from an affair. Ask her for her advice <--------------THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT. Ask the mother and the sisters for their advice. Ask them to use their persuasion to influence your WW to end her adulterous affair.

Is there anyone else you can expose to? I would get them all done now!

Do it SF. Do it now. I don't have too many regrets so far in the actions I have taken. Not exposing to everyone all at once is one of them however.

Talk to her mom now and as Mel says, ask her for her advice. My biggest ally in my sitch is my MIL.

Good luck and get on the phone!!!

Yes, call her mother and ask for her help in saving your family. Chances are good that she won't help - sadly most families don't, but just exposing the affair to everyone is good.

I would also do some snooping to locate the other man. You need to know where he is.

I appreciate all of the encouragement to call her mother, but I have to use my judgment on this one. Her mother is weaker than her sisters. 2 of her 3 children already have multiple failed marriages. The only way I'll ever have the possibility of an ally in just one of her sisters is if I do as they ask and let them tell her. WW and I talked for an hour tonight. I was told earlier that I should look to her actions and not listen to her words. This morning I came into the guest room and we talked for quite a while. She was watching TV and actually muted the sound. She's almost ready to talk with Steve Harley with me. She's beginning to give me some undivided attention, albeit in small bits at a time. For me to call her mother now would not be a wise move, in my judgment. When I talked with WW this evening I told her my concern that her mother would be turned against me by her 3 daughters. I asked WW to please keep a door open between me and her mother, so that I could tell her mother how much I love WW. After the A is exposed to her mother I want to reassure her that I'm going to do everything I can to make myself the husband her daughter deserves. I wouldn't be where I am now without your wise advice, so please don't feel like I'm rejecting it. I just have to do what I think is best in this situation.

I spoke with my brother and sister-in-law this evening. They are still raw from the exposure on Sunday, so said some things that almost sounded like they blamed me for the A. (My sister-in-law is my WW's best friend in the family.) They did agree that all contact with OM has to cease, and I was told my WW has heard that from my sister-in-law. I asked that she continue to remind WW of the importance of NC.

In some ways I feel that those to whom I exposed the A are nearly as foggy as WW. Is this common? If it is, how long does it last? Do they have any reason to come out of their fog?