Exposure is critical, as it FORCES the affairees to see the light.

You are only hurting YOURSELF if you do not expose! Why are you protecting her from the consequences of her bad decisions?

Simply because it would make it impossible for my family to accept her and for her to be around them :-( it would make it impossible for her to come back to me.

That isn't always true. I exposed my wifes affair to my family and her family. She was afraid of what my family would do to her. Especially when my siblings and in-laws were telling me to drop her like a bad habit before I could get hurt even more.I told my family, "My goal is to recover my marriage." They said they would stand behind me 100% whatever my decision is. My mom had to get advice from her siblings so all my aunts and uncles on her side knew about the affair too and were willing to help out. A couple have been through divorces, and one couple has been seperated for the last 8 years, but they are still trying to work on their marriage.

About four weeks later my G-pa died and I asked my wife if she would like to come with me to Washington to the funeral, but she did not have to if she felt uncomfortable around my family. She knew that one day she would have to face my family, be it this summer, thanksgiving, or next christmas. She mustered up and said she would love to go to support me, and face all my siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins that knew.

The best part is that out of all these people no one brought up our mess in front of our faces. I have no idea what they may have been saying behind our backs, but that does not matter to me and my wife. We were showing them all that we were still happily married and working on our marriage. They saw that we were working hard on our marriage, and it changed thier minds. Every once in a while my family will ask how I am doing, and I let them know that so far everything is going great, but I am still keeping a vigliant eye out for anything that might be amiss.

Don't use your family as an excuse not to expose.

andy123...

It doesn't work that way. Sorry... but it just doesn't. You will think it might, until it blows up in front of you. I wish you the best, but you will unfortunately see, perhaps after it is too late.

So. Here's what you've got. You've got an OM who was exposed and possibly divorcing (the fat lady hasn't sung yet). Which will make him available for your W. She, of course, is leaning in his direction because she's a wayward. He is going ahead with this divorce, possibly, because he thinks she's going to be waiting in the wings.

You've done nothing to expose the A, so their plans continue unabated. You're even considering separation, which will allow them to really get their relationship solidified.

You will lose your WW, sir. Will it matter then whether your family knows or not?

OR, you can expose to your family AND OM's W, and let her know that you are fighting for your M. The OM may hesitate and examine his options if he thinks there is any possibility that WW will stay with you or if he realizes that the break between you and your WW will not be an easy one.

So what you're saying is that rather than risk making your family angry, you're willing to protect your WW's dirty little secret and allow her to carry on?



Bad move.

If you do exposure properly, you tell your family why you're exposing and ask for their support of your marriage.

Your marriage should come before others, everytime. If you are able to recover your marriage after exposure and your family shuns her, then it's their loss.

You are making a huge critical mistake in not exposing. Exposure gives your marriage the greatest chance of survival. Keepong the affair secret allows it to THRIVE. All you know is that her OM is upset and angry about the exposure. What you don't know is that the exposure has ruined the affair and it is crumbling. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is ruinous. This is how marriages RECOVER, Andy, by exposing the affair, which kills it.

Since affairs thrive on secrecy, you are doing nothing more than ENABLING the affair, at the expense of your marriage.

I bet if you called up the OMW, you would get a completely different story about the state of their marriage.

And of course an adulterer will resent his affair being exposed. Just as a crack head resents you taking the crack pipe away. Just as a falling down drunk resents you taking the car keys away. But they are GRATEFUL once they sober up. Howver, if you don't take the crack pipe away [exposure] you will have no marriage TO SAVE.

So you see, you have this all backwards. Your marriage can survive her very temporary anger over resentment, it can't survive this affair.

Exposure

Andy, in short you are throwing away your marriage for absolutely no reason.

With exposure timing is everything. Do it sooner than later. Do not let the 2 scumbags more and more in love with eachother. As the A progresses undetected the 2 of them will get more and more into it and it would be harder for them to end the A. Do not repeat my mistake! Snip it in the bud!
blessing

The reason i haven't is that I'm holding on to the possibility of her changing job in which case the other guy will be out of the picture and I won't have to annoy her by revealing everything to her and my family, causing more conflict and stress. I'm scared it will push her out. Perhaps I should wait just a little longer, a few weeks to see if she can commit to leaving the other guy alone?

Yes, it works to destroy marriages and perpetuate affairs.

Yes, you should definitely wait....

Until you draw your next breath!!!!

Ok

Now go expose this affair ASAP!!

Exposure is the fastest, best way to destroy an affair. Yes she will be mad, but your marriage will survive that, it will not survive an ongoing affair.

Your marriage has a far greater chance of surviving if you expose, than it does if you do not. That is a FACT!

Listen to Gack...He knows what he is talkin bout...

You are not going to make it. You are making strategic mistakes that will destroy your marriage. The AFFAIR is pushing her away and it will get WORSE, not better, until you kill this affair. You are enabling the affair at your own expense.

You are taking the counsel of a FOOL rather than the counsel of those who saved their marriages. Your best thinking has got you into this mess. We have saved our marriages. Consider that when you shoot at the rescue helicopters.

andy,

You will only do more damage to your marriage which will make possible R all the more difficult if you don't grow a pair. Hope is not a plan. You are scared and your WW is counting on you being so. Wake up before it is too late. You may even end up have a wife knocked up by OM or an STD.

No no no. This will not do. Affairs, I'm sad to say, are rarely convenient, and this is one more such case.

You think she'll just say shake hands and say "OM, it was great, but we'll have to end the A because I got a new job."? When pigs fly!

You WANT to cause conflict! You WANT to cause stress! You WANT to annoy her! All the while pointing out that the exposure and resulting stress are results of her affair! You DO NOT want to be a nice guy, waiting until the time is convenient to hasten the death of this A.

Exposure will bring the light of day to this A. The more who know, the better.

Ok ok. This is really tough. I have already said I'd keep things quiet so she can come back to me and pick up where we left off. It isn't working. In that case I'll give her the ultimatum, come back to me and get on with our lives (and move house) or continue the affair and I'll have to come clean with everyone for the sake of my own sanity. I can't take it any more. She seems to be getting more distant. The other option is just expose everything anyway, no offers. What do people think is the best way? This seems to be completely off the main plan of advice of plan A & B etc. I'm not sure what to do!....

What are you missing, Andy? Her actions are what you need to look at. You've said yourself that your original Plan Hope isn't working.

You do not need to give her an ultimatum, aka warning. All you'll be doing is giving her and OM time to get their stories straight and start painting you as a whack job who is going through a mental state of paranoia, thinking people are out to get you, thinking the two of them are having an affair...

Expose with NO ultimatum! Just DO it.

I can't even think straight. Is it worth contacting the other guy too to say back off? What possible justification could I have for telling all their colleagues at work? It's vindictive isn't it? Surely i should stick to my guns and play everything with as little vindictiveness as possible? Oterwise I might as well open the flood gates and really kick off with this other guy? I am a complete mess, thoughts all over the place. Not breaking down with sadness, just anger/fed up/scared of losing everything I value in my life. Not to mention the humiliation....

Part of Plan A is to cause conflict in the A and exposure does that. Plan A is not meant to act like a doormat. You do not give her an offer to come back to you. WW is like a crack head and will tell you all sorts of things to guilt you and shut you up all the while lying to your face. Showing your hand will lessen the effectiveness of exposure and time for her to spin you as the nutjob hubby. You do not have to expose to everyone and their brother but you do want to select the best targets.

imo, there is no point contacting the OM. If he didn't feel bad about it before, he will not feel bad about it now. Just like OW didn't care when I contacted her. WS's are VERY VERY selfish.

You being not vindictive, as you call it, only allows them to keep the affair going. Have you exposed to their families? If you don't want to expose to the work right away, expose to the families first. Expose to OM's wife. Expose to anyone who has influence over them....it doesn't have to be the whole workplace.

And, be prepared that once you expose it, the affair will go further underground. Don't expect that to be the catalyst to ending the affair, if she's not willing to do it now.