Hello everyone... I haven't been on the boards much due to crazy busy job and spending more time with my son, but it was good to catch up on everyone's sitch's and see that progress is, indeed, being made- even if it seems like one step forward, two steps back.

My question for you all is how would you handle it if your children said they wanted you and your ex back together. My son is 4 and while we were discussing our upcoming move to another state, he said he wanted daddy to come back to live with us. This is the second time he said it, and I suspect he will continue to feel this way.

When my mom left my dad, we were very happy (because he was abusive- to the point that he eventually ended up in jail for years) so I can't empathize with him.

I definitely don't want us back together, so I don't want to lie and say, "Me too honey," but at the same time I don't want to be disrespectful of ex or hurt son's feelings. After all, from his vantage point dad is awesome: buys him whatever he wants, takes him to the drive through all the time (yet is continually broke, but son doesn't see that at 4 years old).

If you�ve been in this situation, please tell me what worked for you (and what didn�t work too, so I can learn from your mistakes)!

Thanks,

DTC

If my marriage had ended because of adultery on my spouse's part, then I would respond by explaining, "I'm sorry, son, but we can't have that family together anymore. Your mother promised to be my wife forever and let me be her husband, but then she broke her promise and went to find another man."

I have no answer for any other scenario.

I guess in our situation it's not quite as clear-cut as an affair. If I told him, "we can't have that family together anymore" he's at the age where he will ask "why?" but the complexities of our situation (financial issues, him getting involved with illegal activities and being addicted to risk, my frigidity) aren't easily communicated to a four year old.

Daisy,

I've been going through this with my daugther since she was 6. She STILL says it. However, my answers have changed as she has grown.

At 4, I recommend saying as little as possible. I would start with simply acknowledging his stated desire. A simple, "I know you do honey" along with a hug. Then start evaluating what, if anything further, he is needing at the time.

It could then be, "You know that even though we aren't together as a family, both Mommy & Daddy love you more than anything in the world. NOTHING will ever change that".

I think the mistake many of us make is thinking our kids want/need more information than what they are looking for from us.

If he needs more, then you go from there. At 4 he may ask questions, yes. He doesn't necessarily need detailed answers. Go slow. You will know what's right.

Thanks!

Never lie about why. You won't have to remember the reason you gave the last time, and the consistancy you show in your answer will give your kids comfort that you are telling them the truth.