SF-FTR, I think you are making a mistake by NOT contacting your MIL.

My hope is that you won't regret this in the future.

I do too. I'll certainly let you know. Too bad the crystal ball hasn't been invented yet. Speaking of crystal balls, I told WW that if I had one and knew all of this would happen, I'd have still married her.

SF, I hope this is not a mistake that you come to regret. The reason they want to tell her is so they can SPIN the facts and blame the affair on you. You do realize this, right? This is all about spin control. So, the goal *IS* to turn the mother against you, I assure you. They are sure not on your side.

If that happens, I'll just have to eat it. She is so weak that anything I say before her children speak with her would be easily nullified by what her children say after I speak with her. That happened with WW's sisters after WW spoke with them, and they're orders of magnitude stronger than their mother. My only hope with MIL is to act in such a way that any dirt that's flung toward me won't stick. Actions speak louder than words, right? I can guarantee MIL won't do anything to dissuade WW from pursuing whatever course she prefers. I have to convince WW that the course with me is preferred over that with OM. I can't be seen as one who appears to be vindictive. MIL has to continue seeing how much I care for WW regardless what's happened. WW has to see that I will stick to my word.

Sometimes I just don't see how it could ever possibly work out. Melody, I'm definitely struggling with my anxiety about WW's anger. I keep telling myself this is a good thing. Reading about successes others have experienced gives me hope. I was brutalized and humiliated during my conversation with our SIL (brother's wife) last night. At the end she almost had ME believing it was all my fault. If I didn't have all of you I really don't know what I'd do. Your help, advice, support and empathy mean more to me than I could ever say.

No matter what happens, I'm definitely getting buff for the next phase in my life that God has planned for me. I've lost 16 lbs over the past 2 weeks. I haven't seen the 170's in awhile!

SF-Her anger IS a good thing. It means that exposure did it's work. It hit it's target. You did well. Your WW WILL get over her anger. You will be okay.

Be careful with the adultery diet. You still need to take care of yourself. How are you sleeping? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you doing things to release your stress? Exercise? You need to take care of yourself as well. I know it's hard. We've all been there.

Slap me out of it, please!!! Slap me hard. Things are sooooo bad around here. I just can't take being blamed for this A any more. Is it wrong to be addicted to your wife? WW has so poisoned everyone against me that they seem to be just as fogged out as she is. I don't know what's being told to her, but whatever it is I can't imagine it being aligned with my goal of salvaging this wreck of a marriage. So I like making love to my wife. Is that so wrong? She's the only sexual partner I've had in my life, and now she's so utterly rejected me that I can't even rub her back. If I were observing this disaster from outside, I'd lay down my last dime that I was the one who had the A. I don't understand how the wayward can so mistreat the betrayed when the betrayed is doing everything humanly possible to put humpty dumpty back together. I was warned that things would get worse after the exposure, but holy cow, I never realized how bad worse could be.

Scotty, I'm doing nothing to help myself. Not exercising, not sleeping. I leave work with a pile of work to do at home, which I rarely get done before the sun rises on the next day. So, it keeps building and building. I told one of my partners about the situation and he gave me an antidepressant. I'll probably start taking it tonight.

I've been advised to contact a lawyer, given the OMW's threatened vendetta. I made an appt to see one Monday afternoon. I never, never, in my worst nightmare never, thought I'd be contacting a lawyer to protect my household from the wife of a man my wife had an affair with. It's just so unbelievable.

I made an appt to speak with Steve. I guess I'm pretty rich now, since I laid down everything I had on my being the WH. When the envelope was opened and my wife was found to be guilty, I made a nice little profit. Now I'm going to lay all of that down on WW not talking to him with me. But, I'll talk with him alone if necessary.

I've never met any of you personally (to my knowledge), but each of you feels like my best friend. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Now slap me out of it!!

Ya know, I just cannot understand men. It never ceases to AMAZE me how a little anger coming from the wife rips you guys up!! You just fall apart. At least you had the nads to do the right thing and expose the affair. Some men are SO SCARED of their wives that they would rather enable the affair than risk their wife's wrath! They would sit by and watch their marriage head to divorce just to avoid her wrath. I just don't get that.

standingfast, my dear man, please don't her anger get to you. This is just an addict who is furious that you took away her crack pipe. And I assure you that she is still in contact given the level of her fury. Hopefully you are spying like a blood hound!

Who advised you to contact a lawyer? And what has the OMW threatened?

SF-So sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel. HOW DARE YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE? I mean, YOU are so to blame.

Okay, in all seriousness, you KNOW what you ahve to do. You need to execute a SPECTACULAR PLAN A. What are you going to do about that? You need to take care of yourself. You need to make you a number 1 option to your WW. How are you supposed to do that if you aren't taking care of yourself?

As far as the ADs many a BS needed them. There is no shame in it. I would go to a doctor though and make sure you are properly monitored.

SF-I'm a FWW so I've been just like your WW-angry, distant,...

Also, from what I've read I'd say the A continues. At this point (like others have told you) protect yourself. I only skimmed through the posts, but do you have access to all email, cell phone, bank card, credit card info? Make sure you have direct access-don't rely on her to provide it. With technology it is too easy to "doctor" records. If she is unwilling, you know there is trouble.

Also, I think you should talk to your MIL. I have to say it was one of the worse days of my life when I had to have the discussion with my family. I don't think they were outwardly supportive of my H, but they were not supportive of what I had done. I still faultered for a while, but what they said to me did have an impact when i finally got my head on straight.

If the A if over, the anger will pass. But you do need to be strong and take care of yourself, not matter what.

SF- Calm down and snap out of it man. You KNOW what the truth is and you KNOW that what your WW is saying is her selfish, self-justifying spin. Sure, you may not have been the perfect husband before, but nothing- and I mean NOTHING- justifies her involving another man in your marriage.

She is addicted and will say or do about anything to keep her 'crack'. My WW is exactly the same way. Use your knowledge of the TRUTH and our experiences to stand tall. This isn't your real wife talking, it is the alien. When she talks, think Charlie Brown's teacher.

Waywards need to make you the bad guy. They will use anything and everything to twist reality into a way that makes it look like they had no choice. This releives them of the guilt that they do feel, somewhere beneath the fog. Have you read the 'reverse fog-babble' stuff?

Now it's time to 'man up' and take your nuggets out of your wife's purse. Stop worrying about everyone else. Stick to the truth and stay calm and in control. Be James Bond and stay one step ahead of her. Do not lovebust and start working on yourself.

I know all too well how devastating this is. Sad thing is, it doesn't change the fact that you are still in the situation. Now this site offers the best way to get out of it with your sanity in tact, however it works out. Keep reading, venting when you need to, and learning. Then keep trying to do the next 'right' thing.

You need to take care of yourself. This is a long marathon and not a sprint. Stop being the victim, even if you are. You are going to be OK, but you need to work to get there. You can do this by taking care of yourself too. Eat healthy if you can. Start working out. Do something physical every day. You have already lost some weight, but not in a healthy way. By you taking care of yourself and working out, you will become more confident and attractive. Plus, it is an excellent stress reliever.

You are not alone. Stay strong.

OUCH!! Hey, that felt good. Unfortunately I don't have time to do all the investigating myself. I contacted the sheriff's office today for their recommendations regarding a PI. They didn't call me back, so no info yet. If I can't find someone by Monday I plan to ask the lawyer for a recommendation.

The few members of my family whom I feel I can trust advised me to contact a lawyer. OMW's threats are all secondhand. But, her breaking into our house was a firsthand experience. I don't doubt anything she's capable of.

Melody, believe me, we men wish we understood you women, too. What is this effect you have on us? I have a black belt in Taekwondo, but if something is wrong with my wife my knees turn to jello. To be completely frank, I'd much prefer to let somebody else do my snooping. I've been lied to so much, that to find proof of more lies on my own pours salt into the wounds. (I was going to say pulls the scab off, but none have formed yet.) Snooping will happen, but it probably won't be by me.

Keep slapping. I need to return to my own sorry reality.

Thanks, Scotty. I know it's all spin, but when the noggin isn't working right the spin may seem real. I have no problem taking the AD. My only concern was side-effects the first few days. I'll probably start them Friday night so I can have the weekend to adapt if something weird happens. I've never taken meds like these before.

I need some plan A guidance. Do you have that carrot and stick message?

We love ya, standingfast! Just hang in there and this will get better. You are doing great.

Thanks for your input, peterja. I need some insight into what she may be thinking.

Wow, thanks so much, SoL! The words of wisdom on this site are so needed by someone like me. I appreciate you sharing them with me.

I think I missed something. What has happened with OMW?

It isn't unreasonable that she would throw a fit and want to kick your wife's butt.

Not saying it's justified. Just saying it's not a surprise.

When did she try to break in? What has been the threat?

Here are some links you may find useful.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Plan A and B, What they are and are NOT-KR


These should help you out.

Today was a better day. My wife seems to be calming down. At least I can get a limp noodle hug from her again.

I called a private investigator today. How much do they usually charge? This one wanted 750.00 as a retainer fee, with the actual investigation on top of that. Obviously I'm still looking. He did say something very interesting. When he asked how I knew my wife was having an affair I told him about the e-mail I received on d-day. He asked who it was from, and I told him that the signature claimed to be a PI. However, there was no business information included in the signature. He said it sounded like it came from someone involved in a relationship that had broken off. When I confronted my wife about the e-mail she said she was going to tell me about the affair when she returned from her trip. I've always thought OM sent the message. It contained details that only someone who was there could have known. WW still won't accept that conclusion, but after speaking with the PI I'm even more convinced OM sent it. I think he knew WW was planning to tell me about the relationship when she returned from her trip, and he decided to beat her to the punch.

I plan to invite my wife to return to our room this weekend. Saturday will be 6 weeks since she moved into the guest room. I want to invite her, not do anything that she might consider demanding. I also want her to know that I'm not interested in sex, I just want her to come back to our room. We have a king-sized bed, and I'm willing to install one of those invisible dog fences and wear a collar if it will show her I'm serious about no sex. How should I phrase the invitation? I'm going to ask her this evening what she considers my biggest lovebuster to be. I'm sure she'll say selfish demands. I must be very careful how I word anything I ask of her, so she doesn't think I'm demanding anything of her.

I was reading about plan A and how long they should last. Why is a plan A for a BH so much longer than for a BW (6 months rather than 3-4 weeks)? I haven't read much in the forum threads about Dr. Harley's concept of just compensation for the BS. Is there a reason forgiveness is discussed more than just compensation?

FYI, I did exercise today (90 minutes mowing the grass). Hey, it's something!

Thanks again, everyone! I had a much better day today because of the punishment you delivered my way yesterday.

Howdy, sf! How interesting about the exposure email. hmmmmm. I don't know how much they usually cost so I can't comment on that.

My suggestion for getting her back in your back is to invite her on a ROMANTIC TRIP that includes sex. If she comes to your bed, she should come as your wife, not your sister. so i would not agree to sleep with her on that basis. That does not solve the problem at all.

Can you invite her on a 4-5 day trip with just the 2 of you?

mowing the grass?? My DH had a heart attack from doing that last year and he still won't stop. Have you men not heard of TEENAGERS?