Tonight I plan on sitting down and writing my w a letter from my heart about how much I love her and what I have learned about the situation we are in. I want to ask her - does she have the slightest thought that there is still hope. I want to tell her that I understand that by not filling her emotional needs and doing many lovebusters that I opened the door to her withdrawl, retreat and infidelity. I want to tell her that I can fill those needs that I was blind to and want to be a better partner.<P>Can anyone give me any advice ?<P>Has it done any good for anyone ? How can being honest hurt? Has it backfired on anyone? Are there any things I should avoid saying.<P>I realize this is coming from my heart and will be honest, but I would like to draw on your successes or failures. I have appreciated your input and believe it has stopped me from doing some stupid foolish things that would have set me back alot.<P>Please help - feed me info

I wrote a heartfelt letter to my H as you are thinking about writing. I really poured my heart out to him. In the letter, I took responsibility for my part in getting us to where we are today. I also shared by deepest love, forgiveness and heartfelt hope that we could regain what we had before. Prior to 2 years ago, we had a really, really good marriage and friendship.<P>I showed the letter to my counsslor. He agreed I should give to my H. I left it at the house for him on the desk. H never mentioned the letter at all. I really can't say if it had any affect - good or bad. I suspect H thought it was both - good for all the hope, forgiveness and love, but bad because it reminds him of his guilt since the affair is still ongoing. <P>I would caution you to be honest but not to focus so much on the negatives, but the positives. I wrote about our "opportunities" versus writing about our "problems". <P>I guess from one respect, the letter didn't "jolt" my husband back to reality and make him stop waffling and commit to me only. His affair goes on. So, in that manner, I did not get what I hoped for.<P>But, I feel I did the right thing by sending this to him. If things do not work out for us, at least I will know I have done my best to express how I feel and the optimism that I really do have for us to succeed. <P>Also, the letter allows you to pour your heart out letting the betrayer "feel" your emotions without having to directly face and deal with them. I think that was important to my H, as he is having difficulty dealing with the intensity of my emotions - the good and the bad ones. He just hasn't been able to deal with them at all.<P>I say go for it!<P>Roll Me Away

Thanks for your reply. I was hoping for more. Come on people you are worth more than one straight answer.<P>Thanks again rma

I too took this treacherous course...<P>I however was to judgmental...<BR>I sent her many emails...<BR>But to be "honest with her"... put her off.<P>Sometimes when you're thinking honesty... it flies in the face of W's fantasy too much... all I got back was "I hate you"... "I'll never come back to you"... etc.<P>It won't be your fault... It is what their fantasy is about... you are not coming across as healing.. but hurting everything they (W & OM) are working for (i.e. fantasy to continue forever)<P>I have to agree with RMA... absolutely no negatives... no "I forgive you's"... no... "<I>we</I> can make it work"...<P>It sounds like I'm bursting your bubble... but this is "egg shell" ground your walking on. Please be careful.<P>Prayers on your succss.<P>Jim

MMW- I agree with what the others said. I wrote one that was like the one in Loving tough. The problem was that she was in never-never land at the time so the response I got from her was glassy eyed thank you and she continued with the OM. Just be ready for a dissapointing response because this will take time for them to come to reality.<BR>God Bless

missingmywife - I did the heartfelt acknowledgment of my responsibility for making our marriage so vulnerable too. However, I did not do it in writing. I did it very early on, shortly after H said he was leaving. I didn't know about ow yet and when I had asked H said there was no one else, he had just given up on our marriage. I did not get the response I had hoped for until much later. I didn't know it at the time but H was still carrying on with ow. The response I got was that he would "file away" the things I told him. Guess that is all he was capable of at the time. For quite a while he also kept saying he didn't trust my motives; didn't trust I loved him; didn't trust we could ever have a good marriage. If your wife is still seeing the om or is in withdrawl, don't expect much in the way of a response right away. Telling H how I felt and that I was confident we could fix our marriage didn't "backfire", and I think it was one of the many things that helped get us back on track.<BR>I can see how hard you are trying to do all the right things to save your marriage. I hope your wife does too.<BR> Simone

MMW - I second what most are saying here. I wrote my W a letter pouring out my heart and telling her in no uncertain terms that whatever the issue was, we can work it out (all this was pre-discovery). The letter was three pages long - took me two or three days to write/edit/rewrite - I mean I exposed every insecurity and made myself VERY vulnerable in this letter.<P>Her response - "Thanks for the nice words Shattered - BUT I'm here to tell you that I need to start a new life on my own - well not really on my own - but with a wonderful man I met recently..."<P>So, just like fighter said - be prepared for your heartfelt words to go in one ear and out the other. They will mean NOTHING to them while they are in the fantasy.

Letter? I write letterS, plural. Every day I write something down. Good thoughts and feelings, and the bad. It helps me to deal with how I feel inside. I write them as if I'm talking to her directly. I wrote that she may or may not ever read them. If I see her and things are not bitter (they usually aren't) I give them to her. She may not like what I have to say, but my goal is to reconnect with her even if our marriage is over. I can only do this through complete honesty. In some ways my W and I are still connected, we feel each others pain and it causes us pain. We just can't seem to quit doing it. But if you write, write from your heart and no matter what you say it won't be wrong. Good or bad. It may not have the effects you desire, but it won't be wrong.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I wrote my Ex a letter. I discussed only 3 topics. 1.) How much I loved her and how much respect I had for her. 2.) Reminiscing and thanking her for all the good times, including some specific examples. 3.) Thanking her for our two beautiful children, and for being such a great mother. I also promised to do my best to be a good father even given the new situation. (So far living up to promise to the best of my abilities.) At the end of the letter I also wished her all the happiness she deserved, etc., etc.<P>Now, I was very careful to avoid any implication that she had done anything wrong ever, no implication she should reconsider, no accusations, and no "poor me, please don't leave" stuff.<P>I was actually quite proud of myself after I had written it. I wish I had made a copy.<P>Her reaction was, at the time, quite unexpected. She became very angry with me. Told me that that's just not where she was at. The whole relationship was and had always been awful to her. And could I please not write her any more letters. At the time I thought she must have gone insane. I might have been right. I think she tossed it out.<P>My advice: save your postage.<BR>

Oh ya, another thought to consider. Words on paper are a lot harder to forget than words spoken aloud. People have a nasty habit of keeping letters. Anything you write down can and will be used against you into perpetuity. So be careful.

let's see, <P>I gave her a love letter after she said she no longer loved me.<BR>I gave her a list of changes I would make in me.<BR>I gave her a poem on the anniversary of the day me meet.<BR>I gave her a love letter on Valentine's day.<BR>I gave her a love letter on her birthday.<BR>I gave her a letter on Mom's day telling her what a great mom she is.<BR>I gave her a long love letter on our anniversary. <BR>I send her loving emails almost daily.<BR>I sneak love notes in her brief case.<P>I'm sure there are more, but I can't recall.<P>The most heartfelt in my mind was the poem and the anniversary letter. The poem was basically shriveled up a thrown at me (that was during my smothering and needy stage - she loathed me at that time). <P>The anniversary letter was my best work ever (so I thought). I recounted the day me met, several wondeful times, the trials we were going through, my part in this mess, my love for her, and hope that we will make it though this dark chapter in our lives. <P>The letter was not commented on for 4 weeks, and she finally said she didn't know how to respond. She did thank me for it. <P>I still write her often. She does save everything (even the poem). I think writing something has lasting value in that they can reread it much later. You never know the impact it has over time.<P>I cherish the last card she gave me where she said she loved me. I read it often when I get depressed.<P>SHA

Good for you SHA, I am sorry that yours is dragging on so long though.

SHA,<P>I LIKE how you think!!! How sweet and kind to your W. Too bad she does not appreciate. But, as you say - who knows further down the road if these will impact her in a positive way and motivate her to want to work on yor marriage.<P>I was doing the card thing evry week or so and the e-mail cards,too. Only in the very beginning - months ago did H acknowledge them. Now, I just do nice things/acts:<P>Made him a tin of chocolate macadamia nuts ( I dipped the nuts myself!)<BR>Buy his favorite CDs<BR>Buy books he either said he wanted to read or that I thought he might like<BR>Buy special cigars<BR>Offer to run errands for him<BR>Backrubs and footrubs - DAILY whenever I had the chance!<BR>Last thing I did before he left last week - made him a huge tim of chocalte dipped pretzels - another favorite.<P>Who knows - maybe all this attention is just TOO MUCH, but that's what he said he was missing from me.<P>SOOOOO, are we D@!@#d if we do and D@!@#d if we don't?!?!?<P>Roll Me Away

<B>Paul</B><BR>Thanks. I have a lot to over come so i know it's going to take a while. <P><B>RMA</B><BR>You you are <B>NOT</B> D@!@#d if you do and D@!@#d if you don't. Get that out of your head! You give it your best with no regrets. I had regrets for my past in how I used to treat my wife I don't anymore and it looks you don't either. Always give it your best. It will be returned to you pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing! BTW, I like what you do! Hand dipped chocolate macadamia nuts - I would be putty in my wife's hands.<P><B>missingmywife</B><BR>As RMA eluded to, words on their own will not get you there. Words with action CAN. I do so many "little" things for my wife that blow her away. I find it fun and she is amazed by them. She also gets loads of loving non-sexual touch from me. We spend a long time just talking about anything. Focus your attention on her. You will probably get stiff rejection at first (I did), but when she sees your efforts are geniune she will soften ever so slowly. Find her needs and cherish her.<P>SHA

Honesty will never hurt. I learned a long time ago to tell the truth, it is too hard to remember the BS. Works great (most of the time for me)<P>As far as your letter, do it for yourself. Put down your feelings (honestly). She will then know and you will feel alot better. Advice is good, but YOU need to write it.<P>Good luck.<P>Been there done that.

From all your responses it seems like most or all of you are still living together.<P>My letter came from my heart and I sent it to her courier. She should have it tomorrow. Wish me luck. Any acknowledgement other than negative would be a monumental accomplishment. I am expecting a "too little - too late" response.<P>Remember my w is out of the house and is in withdrawl. <P>I do hope it sends the right signal. <P>I poured my heart out and did say - that I placed no blame on her, but did blame myself for not filling her needs.<P>My fingers are crossed and I even said a prayer.

MMW, My H is out of the house, too. When I gvae him the letter, I left it on the desk. He is living with a buddy of his, and still at this time using the home office for his field business. <P>He stopped over yesterday from 5 day trip to FLo with OW. We talked. I asked him directly about the letter - what did he think about it, because he had never responded and it's been over a month.<P>His response was, "Well, what do you think!" I asked if it made him feel guilty and he said "yes." <P>SOOOOO, anyway, again, it sure did not do what I had hoped - to motivate him by my love, forgivenss, admission of my own faults and optimism for us.<P>But, I am still glad I did it!!!<P>Best of luck, and please let us know if you get any reaction at all.<P>SHA, I am going to pray not only for you and your wife to find your love again, but also that you get some sign that things are going well...maybe some hand-dipped chocolate macadamia nuts or other sign! Thanks for the encouragement, though. I fight myself alot on this, because some days I really do feel NOTHING does any good, so I ought to crawl in a hole and do nothing! But, most days I am just too tenacious for that and keep on plugging!<P>Roll Me Away