Reasons for your actions:

You did not have an affair because the marriage was miserable or the divorce took too long.

You had an affair because you don't respect the institution of marriage or the vows you made unless they are convenient to you.

Your girlfriend (at the time) did not kiss another man because you were horrible to her and 'broke up' with her yet again.

She kissed another man because she didn't have enough self-respect to stand up to the abuse you dished out to her and leave a seriously dysfunctional relationship. She didn't know how to enforce personal boundaries.

ok. this is coming thick and fast. I have made a balls up of my first marriage. been awful in my second relationship and blown out of all proportion an error on my wifes (then partner) part because I have not got to grips with what a wa$�er I have been and how my idiotic behaviour influenced everything.
My wife now says that she is so happy because we are an us. Does this make sense. I really am [censored] at this !

So you would dump her, for no real reason, regularly?

Ding Ding Ding!!
We have a winner!

Herb, tell him what he's won!!!

vibrissa. that is precisely what my wife said, almost to the word. She was scared to even approach me on the subject as I would react by dumping her. She always said the kiss was not a sexual or thing of desire, more an affirmation that she was attractive and still worth something. Does that make sense ?

yes I did dump her regularly. startling when I think back.
I don't though understand what you mean gack

Excellant post, Vibrissa. Without condemning, abusing or insulting you gave insight and a constructive path for Bingo to proceed in the most constructive way possible in this trainwreck of a life he has been leading. The very fact that he is back here shows that despite what he may say about MB or its posters, he believes that it will help him. I pray for the sake of his children that he finds a way to do that.

End of T/J. Back to this incredible seesaw of a thread.

God's Blessings,

Say

Well, bingo, you have won the booby prize...a "dawn breaks on Marblehead" plaque to proudly place on your mantle.

I agree saynomore.
The reason I am back and was here in the first place was for precisely that reason.
I don't want to mess my marriage up, i really dont.

I could understand this if it was "just a kiss" Bingo but the oral sex just to pacify him thingy would be my sticking point. Despite what you did or didn't provide for her, you are now married to a woman with poor boundaries. You both need to set up some EPs in order for either of you to feel safe in this M.

God's Blessings,

Say

Why would you do that?


Just a joke. I was parodying a game show host who had a contestant (you) give the winning answer to a quiz and winning a prize.

I know the bj doesn't read right, but she did not want to cause a commotion and was not thinking straight due to the fact that she never drinks and was totally drunk.
That's the bit I find easiest believe it or not. I know what her views on that are and understand. To her it is not an intimate act and means that she does not have to get close. I assure you that she has never crosses any boundaries before in any way. We know this from the lie detector test.
"Have you had any intimate relations of any sort, including kissing, with another person whilst in a relationship with ....."
I know Dr W thinks this was wierd, but it got to the truth and that was what was needed. Exposure I think you call it.

Gack. I rejected her in this way every time she challenged my behaviour. It was almost like a way of avoiding the truth by pushing her away.

Today...you can call me Captain W as I'll be flying a plane tonight.

Yeah..

Captain W

�

Ok�so�what�ACTIONS�is�she�going�to�take�to�see�that�she�never�does�it�again?

See�while�I�agree�with�others�that�your�wife�was�a�free�agent,�because�of�the�dysfunctional�dynamic�of�the�relationship,�neither�bingo�nor�his�wife�see�it�that�way.�Im�sure�at�the�time�of�the�breakup�both�parties�had�the�expectation�of�reconciliation�within�the�next�day�or�so.

I�was�in�a�relationship�like�that�in�HIGH�SCHOOL�-�broke�up�with�a�guy�made�out�with�another.�I�knew�all�along�Id�get�back�with�guy�one-�I�found�a�loophole�to�cheating�based�on�a�technicality.�I�know�bingo�broke�up�with�her�but�almost�the�same�thing.

So�bingo�what�is�your�wife�doing�so�,�no�matter�HOW�you�treat�her�she�is�not�in�that�position�ever�again?

And�you.�What�happens�if�Mrs�bingo�stopps�putting�out,�you�start�fighting�like�cats�and�dog�and�even�live�separate�for�anotjer�decade?�You�gonna�be�nack�here�in�10�years�trying�to�make�it�with�wife�no.3�who�you�'umfortumately'�met�while�still�married-�but�you're�still�on�good�terms�with�ex�2�so�its�all�good�?

Or�you�going�to�learn�how�to�protect�this�marriage�no�matter�how�low�the�lows?

See you're muddying the waters with more justification. So it's ok she gave a bj since it's not an intimate act? So I guess you'll be ok with her giving weekly bj to guys on the street ? Huh? See you keep throwing out explinations for both your behaviors like they are reasons why you did what you did

that is justification. The real reasons for all this mess your in is you both have weak boundaries- so what you gonna do about it?

sorry Captain.

Vibrissa. You are right in part. But she had told me that if I ever kicked her out again even suggested it, she'd be gone. I will admit that I didn't mean it, but she had really had enough.
She has never done anything before, has spent many a night in regret for letting everyone down by her actions and is a true believer in the sanctity of marriage.
Sex is not everything to us, we have 5 kids (almost) so chance would be a fine thing.
She is a good looking lady and as I spent a great deal of time away from home had ample opportunity to stray if she had wished to, but has been proved to be honerable by the lie detector. I was away for a month at one stage and the very chap who we are talking about came to our house.
It has been put to me that there were so many contributing factors, combined with drink that not only would she never , ever dreram fo disgusting herself in such a way again, that the hurt that she has caused all of us would never allow her to contemplate even getting close to that position again.
I had also let her go to a party and stay the night having dumped her and she was drinking, which she never ever does and never has since.
We have vowed never to spend another night apart again. We go everywhere together now. She is totally open with me and hides nothing and has shown over and over that she wants to make me trust again.
Also, and possibly most significantly she has never been unfaithful to any one ever !

the bj was a choice she made and a bad one. yes it shows poor boundaries, but to her it was a way of stopping him trying to hump her. Once she had pushed him off he was trying to mount her again and without going into architectural detail it meant that she could have her back to the door of the room this way and make a quick escape. The bj lasted a matter of 5 seconds and then she got out. Can we leave that now, it is upsetting me. I believe her, and I am the disbelieving type !

apart from the fact that we are married now. we are an us, we adore our kids and are blessed to have a wonderful and exciting life.
I have sold two of my businesses to spend more time at home and we are happy. Why would either of us want to ruin that.

More justification. So if somehow this situation happens again - it's ok to give a bj to get out of it?

She should never be in this situation ever again! EVER.



People give lot's of ultimatums like this. I've heard the "If you ever cheat on me I'm leaving" one before from people who've later recovered marriages from infidelity.

Again, you're justifying for her.



Again not a good enough deterrent. Do some reading on Extreme Precautions.


Well this is progress.



Except for once, in a drunken night when she was feeling down b/c you'd abused her once again and broken up with her. Though she said she'd never get back with you again if you did that she did in fact get back with you, I'm sure she knew she would when she did what she did. Yes, she was forced into going further than she wanted (and that has happened to me so I KNOW what it feels like), but rather than walk away she chose to give a bj to get out of it.

More justifications... and obfuscations to make you feel better and turn her into a perfect person.

And you haven't answered my question.

What are YOU doing to ensure that no matter how low things get you won't start another relationship while in this marriage?

You had a kid who I'm sure you adore. You didn't have a problem cheating on his mom.

Sometimes life gets boring and unexciting - so it's ok to look outside your marriage then?

You're happy now, what happens when a kid gets sick and life becomes a struggle.

See you don't respect marriage and your vows. You're ok sticking to them when life is great - but if it gets hard then it's ok looking elsewhere.

That is why you're dangerous.
That is the problem people here have with you.