Wow, thank you for that post...you made my day! It's so good to know that there are still decent people in the world! I guess I will have to see how things go once I confront him. Your advice is exactly what my therapist told me this morning when I was there (except for the whack part I am so thankful for all the wonderful advice and support I get here. I don't know if I could have made it this far without it!

Okay......Barf. Take turns? Clean lady? You want to take a shower after reading that.

Sorry you are going through this anne. I think it's all coming to a head now and you may not have to wait too much longer to get the smoking gun. I sure hope so.

How is he at home at night? Any changes?

Chrisner - yes, it makes me sick. At least I think I'm finally going to get to the end of this. Hopefully this little golf date will spark some good emails and conversations on the VAR. The only problem with the VAR is it does pick up a lot of background noise so it's a bit unreliable. But, it's got me some good info so far so I will keep at it.

I wonder how OW would feel if she knew how they talked about her. I don't feel bad though. She deserves what she gets.

At home, he acts like a loving husband and wonderful father. He makes me sick.

My friend...the one who finally left her WH when she was pregnant....she said the same thing about him. He was always so loving and kind to her--I think these type of Waywards are particularly sinister. Creepy.

SmilingWoman - did your friend have other children with her WH? This is child #3 for me so I'm feeilng very overwhelmed by all of this. If I had known about any of this, I never would have got pregnant. Of course I look back now and see the red flags that should have put me on notice. But, hindsight is 20/20.

Creepy and sinister about covers it. He's so nice and normal that I often find myself reading the emails and listening to those coverstaions just to remind myself that this is really happening.

Well it does not appear that he has a romantic/addiction type adultery going with Butter Butt. Perhaps good in the short term but tough for the long haul.

He is going to be totally blindsided when you have everything to confront. I think we may have a begger/pleader on our hands when the feces finally impacts the rotary oscillator. He does not want this to destroy his marriage. And yet he has poured gasoline all over it and is playing with matches. Waywards seem to have a teenage view of invincibility with their risk taking.

How he reacts will say a lot about your chances.

He is going to have to address his whole entitled wayward mindset if you even chose to recover the marriage.

The toxic friends will have to go for life. That can�t be negotiable.

He will have to make a lot of changes.

Oh I would make sure she finds out how exactly how they speak of her when exposure comes. Every good skank-ho deserves feedback on her performances and techniques. Bet she would be real pleased to know she�s a �butter face.�


I would be more worried about what she may be giving seeing as she is everyone�s friend with benefits. Oh wait, that�s right. She seems like a clean lady.


So anne, I am curious. If you got irrefutable proof today, what are you going to do with it? What�s your Pearl Harbor plan of attack?

My friend did not have other children. It was their first pregnancy. They were married about 14 years total...and he was cheating on her during the last 4 years for sure---who really knows how much longer. He kept telling her over and over that he wouldn't do it again. And it wasn't just one affair...several different women. She wanted so bad to believe he was going to stop. So when he told her he wanted a baby with her after 12 or so years of marriage she took that to be a good sign that he was done cheating. Later when she was pregnant and found out he was still seeing his latest she asked him WHY he wanted a baby if he wouldn't/couldn't give up his girlfriend. He said he thought it would give him the strength to stop seeing the OW if he had a baby. Crazy. He eventually married that last OW---but he didn't stop cheating. He cheated on her too---but she stayed with him and they've been married for at least 10 years---and have a child together.

I loved him like a brother---but his betrayal was so long and broad that I will NEVER trust a single word out of his mouth again.



I did this same thing! It has been almost a year since I collected my first keylogger info. I would sometimes just read over them to remind myself of how sick he is. I haven't looked at them in a long time though. My WH was also living a VERY double life. Much of what I know now about him just freaks me out sometimes....when I think of how I lived with him all those years thinking he was one kind of person when he was really another kind.

Here is an example that I was thinking of just yesterday. He had sex with my 19 year old cousin many times (he was 37 at the time). My cousins friend told me about it. My cousin is a total nut case and everyone in my life (her parents, my parents, all our close friends) felt that it was entirely possible she just made it up. WH denied it happened, cousin denied it happened and she also denied ever telling her friend that it did. I chose to believe that it didn't happen. The only thing I knew FOR SURE was that the friend wasn't lying about what was told to her. So life goes on. 7 long years pass before I got proof that it DID happen. During that 7 years many many times when WH would hear the friend's name he would go off on her for telling a lie about him and my cousin. AND he would casually ask how my cousin was doing when he heard her name or her parents name. So not only did he continue to LIE and cover up what he did, he also continued to slander the only Truthteller in the know. That boggles my mind.

Also, during this time period right after he had sex with her, I really really wanted another baby. Suddenly, WH wouldn't come near me without a condom. He claimed it was because he didn't want another baby....but I now believe he was worried he had contracted something from my cousin. It was about 4 years before he stopped using them. By then it was too late and I couldn't get pregnant.

Anyway, sorry for the T/J!!!!!! I get going sometimes and can't stop.


I'm anxious to hear if you have more info. You are doing a great job.

Yes, I know the friends must go. I can't live like this.

I will be letting ButterFace know exactly what they have said about her when the time comes. She deserves to know and I deserve to get the chance to tell her.

As for my plan of attack, I really don't know. The more I find out, the more it changes. I know I need to focus on remaining calm and not revealing exactly what I know and how I know it. But I'm open to suggestions as to how to proceed as this thing develops. Someone on here said to just say "I know" and leave it at that and watch him scramble. Thoughts?

Smiling Woman - thank you for sharing both the story about your friend and also your own experience. It helps to know I'm not alone in this. I can't believe what these WS are capable of. It boggles my mind.

WH has been busy at work for the past few days and has a deadline for something which is today. Maybe once that is done, he can get back to his emails and phone calls which were both fairly quiet yesterday so I didn't get anything. I keep reminding myself that I won't get new evidence every day but it's so disappointing when that happens. I'm hopeful that this upcoming golf date will get me what I need. If only I knew about this over a month ago. I would have everything I need if I put the VAR in his car before the night they went out. She was in his car that night. Although I'm pretty sure that whatever sex too place was in her office. I could be wrong though. This time, it will probably take place at her house (after golf) but I'm hoping the conversation in the car will be revealing.

I'm going to start gathering our financial records and I am thinking of speaking with an attorney to see what my options are. I don't know what my plan is but I'm keeping an open mind and want to prepare myself for the worst possible scenario. I have come to the point in this where I realize that there worse things than going through a divorce. I would hate to see that happen to my kids but our current situation is very unhealthy too.

I'm curious, did anyone ask their WS to move out? Wondering how that went for everyone.

There are worse things than a divorce....for sure.

I was a SAHM and homeschooling at that. Still am. But anyway, I asked my WH to move out...told him he had to. I knew he wouldnt' without a court order and sure enough he let it go to within one hour of the temporary hearing before he signed off on a separation agreement that he and I put together for visitation and support.

Also, Scotland's story details how she packed her WHs bags and sent him on his way. She is in a very dark plan B and has been for months.

My WH had the nerve to suggest that I take ds and move into a rent house my parents own. I said, 'you must be out of your mind. You want me and ds to move into a tiny little rent house while you stay in our beautiful 2300 sf home? I am not going to do that and you will find that the judge won't think I should have to do that either.'

You are a SAHM mom right? You have 2 small children and one on the way? Your WH is so going to come out on the losing end on this. Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. If your WH is the type who won't leave without a court order you need to be prepared to do what you have to do. I sure wouldn't leave your home though if I were you.

I am a SAHM which is something I dearly LOVE and I hate the thought of giving it up. Which is becoming one of the very few reasons I can think of to even attempt recovery. My kids are 5 and 9 and will both be in full-time school next year. The baby is due early November. I have been researching divorce laws in my state. I can file on grounds of adultery. I also know not to leave my house so that I won't be viewed as he abandoner by the courts. There is some debt which I would get stuck with half of but it might end up being a small price to pay. I haven't completely ruled out recover but i just don't know if it's possible and want to prepare myself for what might yet come.

Any advice on how to confront him, given my recent turn of events?

Anne,

Here's just one man's take for what it's worth. You have been sitting on this whole situation too long and really letting it eat you up inside. It's clear you are a very strong woman and have held it together better than most could under the circumstances, but it's getting to you now.

From everything you've relayed here, it sounds like your husband is a pretty good man who has gotten sucked into an adulterous lifestyle by his friend. At some points when you're describing the emails and conversations with his friend, your husband actually sounds somewhat reluctant.

I'd bet money that once you confront your husband with even the evidence you have now, he'll come clean and beg for forgiveness. Then you will hold the key to this all and can introduce him to MB's and all the concepts here, and he should be receptive. I bet he'll dump butterface like sack of bricks and little problem maintaining no contact. Sounds to me like he's not too infatuated with her anyway.

But, sitting on this is eating away at the love you have for your husband. You're already considering divorce and haven't even confronted him about the affair yet.

You don't know what some of us on this board wouldn't give for a repentant spouse, and I bet that's exactly what will happen with your husband. Take advantage of that opportunity instead of planning for divorce.

Interesting view of it. My view is totally different. I see him as a man living a double life---and the hidden life is just about as scummy as I've seen on these boards. I am hoping you are right and I am wrong.

Anne It is doubtful much will change for you in the immediate future if you do decide to divorce him. So don't worry too much about that.

I put up with a lot of junk out of my now Xh because I wanted to keep my family together and I wanted to continue being a SAHM and homeschool our son. However, once I found out he was a cheater and basically had been living a lie for years...Iknew I could never go back to that.

Btw, I filed for divorce before I ever confronted my WH. I didn't want to hear his explanations and excuses. I just knew i had reached my limit with him.

YMMV.

Schtoop - Thank you for your input. It's very valuable to me to hear about this from a man's perspective. You'r right, this is eating me up inside. But I am coping because I know that I need more time to get solid evidence. Confronting too early would be a huge mistake.

As for my husband being a good man, I'm not so sure about that anymore. When it comes down to it, I really don't think he would give up his friendship with Dirtbag in order to save our marriage. He might pretend to do it and then carry on behind my back, much like he is doing now. He's found how easy it is for him to lie to me and get away with it. Once he knows I'm on to him, he will find better ways to lie to me. I don't agree that he sounds reluctant in the conversations and emails. To me, he sounds very calculating and is acting as if he knows exactly what he's doing and is enjoying the hell out of it. Which I'm sure he is.

I have no idea what will happen once I confront him. Well, that's not true. I do know that, at first, he will lie to me, swear it's not true and then try to find out what I know and how I know it. I really don't see the begging for forgiveness scenario happening but I do know that anything is possible. I do agree that he doesn't seem too infatuated. He likes what he gets from ButterFace and doesn't care to deal with her too much otherwise. She's there when he wants her and that's probably all that matters to him.

Right now, sitting on this is my best option. What is truly eating at my love for him is my discovery of what he's been doing behind my back and his utter lack of respect for me and our marriage. Considering divorce is my way of preparing for all possible options. Given my circumstances, I would have to say it's one of the possible outcomes. I simply want to be prepared.

That being said, if WH were to tell me he wants to stay together and work on our marriage, I would give him that chance as long as he could convince me he was sincere. Given his track record of lies, that would take a lot of convincing on his part.

I really don't know what my future holds. Right now I'm doing what I need to do. I really do thank you for giving your thoughts on this. I appreicate it and welcome anything else you have to say. I love this board because there are so many who are willing to share their experiences in order to help me. Every time I come here, I see something from a new perpsective.

WH is planning some golf with Dirtbag on May 2 which is only a week away. Unsure if it's the golf date with ButterFace or if this is one of those golf dates where they really go gambling but just say they are going to play golf. They made plans to talk more early next week about. The only problem will be that they take Dirtbag's car when they go out so I can't get to those conversations. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get what I need from hearing them make their plans next week.

Thanks again!

SmilingWoman - I am inclined to agree with you. He is living a double life and really seems to get off on it. I too hope that Schtoop is right though.

I'm glad someone understands how important being a SAHM is to me. It's not important enough for me to put up with what's been going on though. I deserve better!

Thanks, as always, for the words of advice. You've been so very helpful to me!

This is EXACTLY the way I read him from your postings of his conversation.


Again, just the way I imagine it....and it IS the way it played out for me. I guess I am just seeing the similarities to your WH and mine.



This was my problem. When someone reveals themself to be SUCH a liar...how can you EVER trust them again. Especially when he isn't lying because of some 'fog' he is in...he clearly isn't into this OW the way many WSs are this board seem to be. He is just living a double life.
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Anything new Ann?

You've been on my mind all weekend.

Thanks SmilingWoman. It sounds like we have much in common. There is nothing new. It looks like his golf date isn't going to happen because ButterFace will be out of town. He and Dirtbag are planning to "golf" Sunday which means he is going gambling with him and telling me he's golfing. It's just not helpful to catch him in lies with his friend.

He may have found the VAR in his car. I have it attached to the passenger seat with velcro. When I went to switch them out, I noticed he had cleaned out underneath there. I'll just have to wait and see if that happened or not. I would hate it if something like this happened before I got what I need.

It's offical. It appears that he's found the VAR. He didn't confront me about it but that doesn't surprise me since it wouldn't be at all like him to do so. Instead, he has stopped talking on his phone in the car. He has a long commute and makes many phone calls in his car. Since the other day when I thougth he found it, the only calls he has made in his car have been to me. I can't be 100% certain he found it but I am 99% sure.

This is a bad turn of events for me. He has never spoken that freely on emails (plus this will clue him into the fact that I am reading emails) and I really felt that the VAR was my only hope for proof. Right now I'm at a loss as to what to do next. Any suggestions?

Wait him out and see what he says. He's going to start wondering how long it's been there and what you've heard. This will become a mind game. Do not let on about anything.