I am really new to this stuff so bear with me, I cannot believe I am doing this. I am a military wife, who just had a baby in Jan. In Feb I discovered my husband had an affair, and after digging further for the WHOLE truth, I then discovered he had oral sex encounters with men as well. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO HURT AND CONFUSED!! We have been married for 11 years now, and have a 6 year old and now new baby. We were always the couple that everyone envied. Never argued, I let him do whatever he wanted. Always did housework and delt with our daughter so as not to inconvinience him. Let him look at porn, and go out to girl bars with his buddies, without complaint or question. He even caled me the "cool" wife. THIS HIT ME LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN , I feel like I am in the twilight zone. He is going to therepy, and doing everything to try to prove he wants to be married to me and not lose what we have. Even put GPS on his phone, to try to give me some peace of mind. I want to give him a second chance, mostly because I do believe he loves me, I just think he got cocky and thought he was never going to get caught and now that he sees what he could lose he mayy be done. HOWEVER!! i am in no way belieing in that fairytale. I dont want to make any decisions right now. Everything is too fresh. But I really need to vent. I chose not to tell my family in order to try to avoid drama if we do end up working it out. Anyone out there been through this and survived??/ I really need help, I just dont know how I am going to stay whaen I dont think I will ever trust him again. How long is it going to take to not feel likeI am crazy anymore. ???

I'm not much of an advice-giving person, beyond telling you to start your own thread. I'll have my daughter, Neak, who IS an advice-giving person, to take a look at your thread once she has all the trolls--I mean, the darling children--off to bed. And other vets will be around, if you'll just give them a bit of time. Don't do anything rash. Give yourself space so you don't explode, even if it means going in a bedroom by yourself, taking a walk or a drive, or visiting someone for awhile. You will be told to act, and not react, but you're going to need a little help putting that laudable plan into action.

tl

First, I am very sorry you are going thru all this...it stinks. What you are feeling right now is painful, but very normal. This is a good website to be on to help you recover your marriage. Do you want to recover your M? It sounds like you do and if so then it is possible. The trust can be earned from your wayward husband.

But there is much work needed and precautions to put in place to ensure that. It is late right now and tommorrow you should get more responses...but a good place to start is to read the info in this website.

I am not experienced in the recovery department. So I cant help you too much there. But just a few questions to better help you get the info you need...You dont want to be duped by him.

The affair that you found out about first, do you know who this person is and how long it has been goin on? Do you know who the men are or how many? How far back does it go that he has had these affairs? I

Congratulation on your knew baby, I am just so sorry you have to go through all this at the same time...keep posting, there are a lot of knowledgeble posters on here who have been through recovery...they will be here to help you.

Yeah, I think I want to try to work it out...just dont know if I can. Like you said, lot of thinking to do. No I didnt know this girl, he met her online, started chatting, then emailing, then meeting for lunch, and finally went to a hotel to have sex with her when I went out of town for a weekend trip to see family. According to him everything started in 08 ,He states there were 5 different guys that he had oral sex with, he put a post on craigslist saying he wanted to try bj with men. Said the first one came to our house in the afternoon,*(so of course I threw out our loveseat) where it apparently happend, eww. and he said the rest he went to their homes and did the deed. Said they were all also married men. He states he only had sex with this other girl once, and her story matches his. But his emails to the other girls he chatted with talk about "meeting and playing" so who knows how many others there are. He said he met some of the others but they werent into what he wanted so he didnt follow through. At this point I feel like 5or 500 is all the same to me. I dont even know what to be more nervouse about, this other girl being local, since he has interacted with her since 07 or the man thing, well just cuz its so sick. I am soooooo confused. but dont want to make any major decisions while I am in this emotional carzy like state. . Thanks for your advice and opinions

Were the OS-with-men encounters with other military men?

You need to get your family in your corner. Even if you don't want to tell them every detail, knowing that he cheated and you want their help supporting you as you try to R your M will be important. Hiding the truth will not get you the support you need, or the accountability WH needs.

The bisexual aspect is very troubling, as are the numerous offenses. It doesn't automatically mean you won't or can't recover with him; what it does mean is you need to set the bar very, very high.

I very seldom go farther than a simple recommendation, but in your case I strongly urge you to counsel directly with the Harleys, with WH and alone. You will need the best help you can possibly get to deal with this.

In the meantime, here are your instructions. I'm sure others will chime in with more.

1. Be very easy on yourself - you've been through a terrible experience, and will continue to do so for some time.
2. Be patient with the recovery process. Even with a repentant spouse it takes several years to fully heal from the trauma of an average affair, and your case goes considerably past average. You'll have good days and bad days, but it WILL get better.
3. Get your family behind you, making clear that you want to save your M if WH is willing to continue to make the effort on his part.
4. If any of these adulteries involved married OP, tell their spouses asap. Any negative consequence your WH faces is a natural result of his own bad choices, and not your problem. Those BS's have a right to know.
5. Relax and watch WH's efforts to become a FWH. He needs to do the heavy lifting in your R. If you find yourself working harder and caring more than he does, it's time to sit down and re-evaluate your approach.
6. Avoid lovebusters. As much as you will want some days to just shriek at him and perhaps enact violence upon his person, don't do it. Come here and yell, scream, vent, whatever. Then you can calmly tell him how you feel, and what hurt you.
7. Go get a good night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow's another new day. Time is your friend, no matter what you ultimately decide to do with your life. You can't recover faster by rushing it, so take your time.

That's probably enough for the first day - don't worry, there's sure to be more soon. {{{{{navewife}}}}}

Also, wow that's a lot of encounters. I would definitely recommend a lie detector test to make sure you know the whole truth. Wondering if there's more you don't know will drive you crazy, and ruin any attempt at R.

You know that he will need to stop chatting on the computer. And this girl, he needs to have NO contact with her at all and you need to enforce this. She needs to be sent a No contact letter from your wayward husband.

I just dont know how to handle the others, but precautions need to be taken and he need to have complete transparency.....you need to know everything he is doing, everywhere he is goin and everyone he is seeing and talking to.

He will do all this if he is serious about wanting to save his marriage...dont accept any less. Many on here have been through false marriage recoveries and they are painful...so you need to make sure precautions are put in place.

Some of the vets will be able to give you more details. Hang in there.

Yes, a lie detector test would be a good start. I agree.

I am so sorry you are here. You will get great advice and lots of support from this site. My WHs latest A was while I was pregnant, and then I found out about the 2 other ONS, which happened while I was pregnant with our two other sons.

I have the same kind of days where I wake up and my world is spinning. Somedays I just wish my mind would go blank for a minute to give me a break. I go from, "I love my husband so much we are going to make this work to.....I am so out of here what was I thinking, make this work, I am an idiot".

What keeps me going is my three boys. They deserve to grow up in a two parent loving home, with parents who are in love. We are counseling with Steve Harley and he is great. I agree call him ASAP for help.

I would install a key logger on the computer if I were you...and not tell him about it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm currently pregnant now and found out my WH has cheated on me. I'm also a military wife.

Keep reading the materials here on this website, read the book "Surviving an Affair". keep posting here for support.

I'm not sure the "secret" keylogger will work, since he was posting here before she started posting today. She will have to find other methods of verification, I'm afraid.

tl

Trouled by the bi statement. Best to call the Harley's.

Once was an experiment.

Whether the B'er or the B'ee or both. To keep on doing this is a red flag.

I can see years later where the WH says he prefers men to women and says arreverdice.

I know you have 2 kids with him and stuff but the multiple bi-A, plus the porn and the tendency to go to girls bars (which my H also had and should have been a big red flag)...all of this = a man who is no M material and a potential for STD.

blessing

I think this may be only time I have dissented with what I have read before. But SSA is NOT the same kind of infidelity. It just isn't. Anyone who is gay will tell you. If DH cheated with a woman, I would work MB until my head fell off. If he had a realtionship with a man -- no. Never. Period. I have seen three dear friends go through this, and it ain't the same.

I agree with you lurioosi.
I did not want to say this but I will. I will discourage you from fixing this M. He is broken and again, with his bi-sex preferences who knows how things will turn out in the future...
blessing

navewife, I've had a number of gay friends in my 50+ years. Some of them were married and had kids. Eventually those men left their families to pursue a 100% gay life. I'm sorry you're going through this, but someone who has had as many gay encounters as your WH has had, well, I think it's just a matter of time before he leaves you for a man he finds as his "soul mate."

Sorry, nave.

My brother dated the same girl through a lot of HS and some of college. The single most respectable and honorable thing he ever did ws to sit her down and tell her that though he loved her, he could never make her happy because he was gay. I admire him for not dragging her into a life of misery just so he could appear straight.

Ron Woolsey is a former homosexual who has a great many interesting things to say on the subject. I found one video he did, Compassion without Compromise, and there are at least 3 more I haven't found yet, Set Free, Living Free, and one more, don't know the name.

There may even be somewhere to watch these online for free.

They might be an helpful resource for both of you as you consider whether or not to continue trying to repair your M.

This is the advice to follow....sorry but no man does this kind of stuff that is straight...no way no how.....he will just surpress it for season to fool you...cause he wants a life/relationship with you and your kids....but he can't be a true husband to you IMO....he can simply drive up to the local library and hook up for a bj in minutes w/o you ever being the wiser.....these men troll like this everyday and it's easy to find others like you.....there's no fixing this.

nav, sorry you find yourself here.

First and foremost you need to schedule an appt with your doctor for STD testing. Your H has exposed you to multiple partners and it is dangerous.

Like others here I think that the woman was incidential compared to 5 men. I do not think this is the first time he has "experimented". There are too many available woman who would accomoodate his preference for BJ. Not to be gross but was he the giver or taker?

If he was the giver then I would say take your children and get yourself out of this unhealthy relationship.