Throughout our rebuilding process I have often wondered why it has taken me so long to stop throwing my FWH's A in his face on a monthly basis. It has been a year and nine months since our D-Day and my DH has become deeply religious, he refuses to travel on business jeopardizing being promoted on his job, and he has done everything to be a wonderful H. We really are at an even better place than we were pre-A but I have notice that I sabotage my own healing process. For instance, after D-Day I started reading a message board stories on a support board for women who were trying to end their affairs with MM. I initially went to the board because I was so confused about how a woman could put herself in the position of being a man's dirty little secret. I found that the women on this board had serious self entitlement issues and the posts made me even angrier at my DH XOW.

I finally realize that by reading that board I was creating my own triggers and torturing myself and staying stuck in his A. My DH acts happier than I have seen him in years (he was so depressed and didn't care about his appearance during the A). He is his confident old self with the wonderful added Christianity. I purposely create mind movies of him and skankerella after my DH and I make love (which has always been magical). In other words my DH is a wonderful H now but I have my setbacks on purpose because I think I want to stay stuck because it feels safer to me just in case he goes stupid again. Does that make sense? Is it possible that I am creating my own triggers on purpose? If I am how do I figure out how to stop? I want to enjoy this wonderful M but I think I am afraid to allow myself to be happy.

I just wanted to let you know you have been heard. I'm pretty new myself so am not sure I have much to offer...

However, I was reading Surviving an Affair last night and it talked some about a spouse bringing up the affair over and over. The book explained that there must be some type of reward in bringing it up for you. Maybe you get the upper hand in an argument, maybe you attempt to inflict a little of your own pain on your spouse, could be any number of 'rewards' in bringing it up for you.... My bet is that once you find what you are getting out of bringing it up, you will probably be able to stop.

Just something to think about....

I understand 100% what you mean. I have been doing it too. FWH says he feels like sometimes I look for reasons to be mad at him, and he is right. When things start going well and I start getting comfortable I will find an old hurt from the A and start obsessing about it. It is my defense against trusting him or loving him like I used to. I know that if I let myself love him or start to have some trust in him again then if he does cheat again it will hurt me more than if I am expecting it. I have been working lately on fixing it. When I start to do this I have to tell myself very firmly to stop. I remind myself that recovery is a choice that I have to make. If I keep torturing myself, and thereby torturing my DH, then the resentment on both sides will keep building and eventually we will hate each other.

Make a list, write down counterpoints to the things that you use to hurt yourself. If you use the he never loved me or he couldnt have done this, then write down all the things he has done since the A that shows he does love you. He chose me over her, he has done everything I asked him to do to help me heal etc. Then when you start to think the bad thoughts pull out your list to remind you how much things have changed. It will help when you start focusing on how things were if you have a physical reminder of how things are now. I know with me once the bad thoughts start its hard for me to remember and focus on the good things. If you have a mental movie of him and skankella (great word BTW) then when it starts to play use the BRASS technique. Breathe, Relax, Aim (Imagine something positive like how you will feel when you let go of the resentment), Stop and refuse to think about the A, and Shoot do something positive for you and your FWH. It works for the accidental triggers and for me it seems to be working on the more on purpose triggers too. I hope that these things will helpful to you too.

You might be correct, in that you have found safety in securing a 'distance' from him, protecting you from what you fear might happen again.

Read 'Surviving an Affair'... It is a good book about alot of what you are talking about.

What you are feeling is OK... the fear and anxiety keeps you FEELING like you are safe. The unfortunate reality is that it is actually going to hurt your relationship and possibly place it back in jeapordy in the long run. It is GREAT that you are here looking for support and recognize that the issue is YOURS.

YOUR issues are the only ones you can control, and you have come to the right place. Be careful reading here. There are alot of frayed nerves set on edge. Just recognize that you have already taken the first step in healing, which is to recognize something NEEDS to be healed. I would recommend reading SAA BEFORE you begin reading too much here. IT will make what is stated here more understandable.

Is it that WH has not told you everything that you need to know about the A?

It is time to stop throwing it in his face.

Is it that WH has not told you everything that you need to know about the A?

He has told me everything I have asked him over and over again, but we never know really if there is something else. The problem is with me. I do very well for a couple of weeks and then I bring up the A. I don't know what else he could tell me because he has answered every question that I could think of. 80% of the time I am OK but then I guess I get scared and sabatoge our rebuilding which sets us back for a couple of days. I have read SAA and we practiced all of the MB concepts and even had MB coaching which really helped. I think I know that my DH understands the pain he caused to our M and he has done everything he can to make ammends. I do believe that I am creating this drama in order for him not to forget which really doesn't make sense when really think about it because I love him so much.

I am going to try the breathing technique when I start to think about the A because I am sick of thinking about the skankarella and him myself.

I think you're engaged in what is known as "secondary gain", keeping a painful event fresh in your mind to achieve something. I did the same thing. At first I brought the A up when things were going well in order to reassure myself that it wasn't "false" wellness, KWIM? You may be doing the same.

When you feel this coming on, try to consciously choose whether to engage in it or not. Mentally say to yourself "Will it help me, my H, or my M to go in this direction?" Give yourself time to answer. I have found that the answer is generally "No."

I think you nailed it here.

It's scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Again.


P.S. I'm gonna start using the skankerella label. Thanks.

I agree with what you and several other posters here have said. I think you are describing PTSD - the part known as "hypervigilance".

Your mind is trying to protect you from further suffering and danger, and is therefore bringing up traumatic incidents so You Don't Forget Them and Will Avoid Them From Now On.

I live pretty much the same way, even though I haven't seen him or talked to him in almost two years. Avoidance helps, because at least it's not in your face, but is not always a complete cure.

I'm not sure what can be done for this. Just understanding it can be helpful. I've heard of people using something called EMDR therapy, though I have not tried it myself.

Don't be too hard on yourself. PTSD is a natural response to an unnatural situation. It's just that your normal defense mechanism has gone into overdrive. There are a lot of us in that same boat with you.