Having a nice weekend everyone?<P>I've noticed lately some threads questioning the position of the betrayed in many situations. That is, a "betrayed" posts a thread something along the lines of "How long does this take?" or "When does the pain stop?" And someone eventually responds with advice: "Stand up for yourself. Kick him/her to the curb. No one deserves this." Anger is a valid emotion, but one that must be carefully expressed, and doesn't always work with some individuals.<P><BR>The betrayer has been represented here as the one with "power" in the relationship. The betrayed are referred to as doormats. After discovery, the betrayed often are a wreck: crying, depressed, hopeless, unable to think of anything else. I spent a month this way.<P>There comes a time when you decide to take action. Do you start Plan A? give an ultimatum and start Plan B? or dump the b&#!/a$$*(le and get on with your life?<P>The answer of course is do what feels comfortable to you. But you should never feel like a doormat. If you have made a conscious decision to choose a course of action, and stick to it, then there is absolutely no weakness in that.<P>Who has more strength: the wayward spouse living in a fantasy who neglects promises made and the years of history, OR the so-called doormat, who really <B>feels</B> the pain at hand, begins the tough road to self-improvement, and never loses sight of the end-goal unless it is clear that it was never worth reaching anyway?<P>Just some thoughts for Sunday...<BR>Carry on.<P>Eric

Thanks, Eric. That's a nice thought for today. I agree with you. We all have to choose our own road and following it only shows our strengths. I also saw my H go through the pain you describe, still do as he struggles with his life, and I hurt so badly for him. Like you said, at least I know where my head and my heart are - even though it's awfully tough sometimes.<P>Good post. Made me feel better today (Sundays are my "Yuk Days" - used to be "family days").<P>Lori

The sermon I listened to today highlighted that unconditional love takes both courage and strength. Something I needed to hear very badly today as I've been feeling ill-treated and grumpy. Of course, I am ill-treated and currently grumpy, but I am also loving unconditionally--BY CHOICE!.<P>

This is a nice Post Eric....<P>I think the power is in the person who isn't living the fantasy world but has to live the reality of it all, despite how painful it is. The betrayed goes through a tough journey of self-improvement, etc. <P>I agree that the betrayed person shouldn't be a doormat, but do what is comfortable to his/her situation.<P>I do, however, feel some kind of sympathy for the betrayer. They are the ones who have to live with the shame of making a bad decision...especially, when they feel remorse for their actions and are trying to rebuild with their spouse. It's not something to be proud of.

I also agree with you eric.<BR>It's not what others think or how it looks. Is what we want to do and feel confortable doing.<P>In my case, I had a lot of people commenting on how weak I was waiting for him to make a decision that was taking so long, or how it was time I decided I was able to live without him and stuff like that.<BR>I'm glad I didn't really pay much attention to that kind of talk. These people were not in my position, knew nothing about our situation ( other than the obvious - he was having an affair ) and were not me. However I know how that kind of talk can influence us sometimes.<P>I had looked back at my marriage. Seen where the not so good parts were. Set my goals and followed them.<BR>I was also preparing myself in case there was no chance for my marriage. And I knew that if it happened I would move forward like many other people have done. <BR>Waiting was my choice, because I could understand what was happening to my H. And how difficult it was for him to regain perspective.<BR>It worked, and we're great now.<P>This doesn't mean that it's what everybody should do. Each one of us is different, reacts differently to things and each situation is also different. <P>I don't tell people they are wrong in their choices no matter how different for mine mainly because I'm not them. HOw can I know how they react or what they are confortable with?<BR>I applaud any positive results, brought about no matter by which plan that's what's important. It's not a matter of me being right, it's not a matter of what others think should be done, it's a personal choice based ( hopefully) on knowledge of how both spouses react to things, and the situation itself.<P>Thanks for this post<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.