I've been posting on here for a while under a different name. It was necessary to change my name and thread after WH discovered this site. Hopefully some of you can figure out which thread it is....? I don't know how to link them.

Working on my Plan B letter, I will post it as soon as I have it done. But yuck, now I feel like maybe he's EXPECTING it......like he knows that this is coming.......

Putting this here just to save it...thanks Neak.


[quote]My Dear Husband,

Everything I have said to you about how much I love you, and the hope I have for the restoration of our family has been true. Even with the revelations I have received, I still love you with all my heart and want for us to have a chance to repair our relationship. You have been able to see the changes I have already made in an effort to make our family stronger, and no matter what happens I have become a better person for it. Though I am not perfect (yet), I have made many improvements in the way I run the household, make time alone with you a priority, and you know very well about my new lack of inhibitions in expressing my love for you. You can help me, and together we can build a new and better marriage that will be a solid foundation for our children, and a source of joy for the two of us. We owe it to our family to try.

I told you from the beginning that I would not pressure you into a timeline to make your decision between ***** and me, and I am not doing that now. You may not realize what I have endured because of your decision to continue your relationship with *****. Yes, I know that the difficult situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that already existed in our marriage, and that we both carry a share of the blame for that. Still, nothing is so wrong that it cannot be fixed if we both work together.

It has become too painful for me to continue to see or talk to you while you continue your relationship with *****. I love you so much, but that love is being terribly damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else. Thus I am separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family, free from your entanglements with another woman. Again, this is not about assigning blame, or me rejecting you. I am still willing and eager to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband.

Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family, please do not communicate directly with me. You may see and talk to the children as much as you like—email T*** at my email address to set this up (she uses it more than I do anyway), or make arrangements through your mom. J*** can be our mutual contact for anything regarding the business.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way, but please remember at every moment that I would much rather rebuild our marriage. The children and I are the ones who can help you learn to be truly happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent part of you, and we have so many good memories to carry us through the hard times ahead. I look forward to the time when we can reach out and meet each other’s needs, when you decide to recommit to our marriage. The door to my heart is open to you whenever you are ready to come back. The path is simple: end all contact with ***** for the rest of our lives, (I will help you write the letter and send it), and then we can talk about what it will take to shape a secure future for our family, one in which we will never need to separate like this again.

I want to be your best friend again, always there when you need me. I want you to be there for me, too, and I eagerly wait for the day when that hope can become a reality.

I love you dearly,
Notso
[quote]

It's better if it's a total surprise (read: shock), but it still works regardless.

By working, I mean you will be protected and heal no matter what, and chances are better than even that WH will choose to join you at some point.

Hi New Petals,

My WH figured out who I was here and I changed my screen name, which is what is seen, and my sign-in name remained the same.

I am not an expert on plan B letters, but it looks long. WS's don't have a long attention span, especially from their spouses.

I would suggest reviewing it and decide the main points you want to make, make the directly and clear and leave it at that.

Best,

ba

I used the Plan B letter from SAA. I just changed it a bit from the book. Here it is.


I added a line for POSOW when I sent it to her email as well.


Not the best one liner to a POSOW. I couldn't think of anything other than "I hate you and I hope you have bad things happen to you. You are a WF and you SUCK." Okay, a little more profane than that, but it would have been censored.

Actually, Scotty, that was just about perfect. "I am patient and I will wait."

You can bet she still has that echoing around in her mind in her quiet moments of self-doubt. As time goes on, that will be more and more often.

I was always worried that it wasn't good enough. Like I said, I was just making sure that it wasn't what I really wanted to say to her, because it would have served me no purpose.

I'd go with ominous and lurking over obscene and trite any day.

I just thought of both options as HONEST. I honestly DO know what to do to make WH happy now. I AM patient. I also TOTALLY feel those feelings towards her. Heck, most times I feel them towards WH as well.

Well everyone, plan B has come sooner than expected. OW H told his wife tonight I sent him that email from POSOW to WH and of course she contacted WH. He is on his way out the door as I type. He is, get this, furious at me for wrecking HER life and "ruining his relationship with OW." I'd puke if I wasn't so close to crying. He us going to his mom's for a few days. OW is so manipulative she is honestly acting like I wrecked her life, instead of the affair and her lies. And WH is falling for it, hook, line, and sinker.

I feel so hopeless right now, like our last chance has just been severed.

What do I do? Still email him a plan b letter? Wait a few days? Give up on our marriage? He says he has had enough of my psycho behaviour and wants me out of his life...the psycho-ness being snooping and exposing to OW H proof the affair was continuing.

Let him leave and work up a Plan B letter.

And go very dark.

Go a couple pages back and look at the two or three topics on wayward speak. They ALL react this way, so feel comforted.

And then don't let him back in the house if you can help it. (Unless he agrees to your terms and conditions for returning and such)

Exactly what KR said.

The answer to your questions is another one from me. What do YOU want to do? Remember, just because your WH said that he is DONE, are YOU done? If not, then work the MB concepts and plans and do what is suggested. Plan B? Yes.

Let me ask you P&H(sorry but it is easier for me to remember you that way), do you think I should stop and give up? I am in Plan B, my WH moved out and IN with WF on my birthday. He introduced our children to POSOW on CHRISTMAS DAY. I am still working MY plan. MY PLAN is to TRY to recover my marriage. The bonus is that even if I don't recover my marriage, I WILL recover ME. I am a much BETTER person for finding this site and applying the concepts in my life. Just work the plans and see where it leads. YOU WILL BE FINE.

This is good, hon. Honestly his being angry at you about exposure means there is still HOPE for your marriage. Get you plan B letter ready, make sure it goes through some board members for editing, get your IM in place and go D A R K.

This is typical WS stuff. Your marriage can survive his anger.

Thank you everyone. I wrote that last night when it was seriously like the darkest hour (sorry to be so dramatic). I know it's stuff all WS says and even after I wrote that post I lay there thinking about it. Went to try to talk to him and he was texting OW with red eyes. I asked him if everything was ok and he said not really, just to go to bed. I THINK maybe she ended things with him? Her husband told me today that they agreed to work on their marriage.

So, WH is leaving this morning....not really leaving, just taking DD to visit his mom for today and tomorrow. I don't really feel like talking to him while he's away - maybe we just both need a couple days to calm down. If he starts moving out when he gets back then I will have my Plan B letter ready and give it to him. Heck, maybe I should write it anyway as conditions to stay in our house and NOT have to leave....

Scotland, THANK YOU for your response. No, you should not give up! You are so strong for doing what you have and I am sure you are well on your way to personal recovery as well!! It's people like you on this forum that keep me going when I feel like I can't. And btw - my birthday is one day before yours. I found out from emails that WH was shacked up in a hotel with OW on my bday...

I hope hope hope so!!!!!!!!!!! I've already ridden out so many anger waves with him after snooping and exposing that I know I can ride this one out with him too...

WH said this morning that I'm like a rabid dog and he never knows when I'll bite. While it's not the most flattering likeness, I'm kind of glad.....maybe he'll get how hard I'm willing to fight for our marriage...

You rabid dog you...go girl!

Wait a few days to a week before going into Plan B. Let the dust settle a bit from this first.

Now that he's out of the house, he DOES NOT COME BACK until he agrees to your terms. That might be the first thing you work on, today (now) if possible, then start your PBL later today or tomorrow.

Get your game face on, and if he calls be ready to say, "I believe in us. I believe in our M. We can be happy and in love with each other again."

This A has been dealt a devastating blow, but even if they have broken up for now it isn't over yet. Just brace yourself for it to last indefinitely, and be ready in case it ends very soon.

Excellent job!

You can do this. Do what Neak said.

Just focus on your Plan A. You need to PLan A right up to the last second before Plan B. That way your WHs last memories of you is of your SPECTACULAR PLAN A.

You can do this.

Yes, anger from him is a good sign, it means there is still something in him and his feelings are not totally dead...he is not a zombie.
My WH had no reaction to my exposure, not a pip or a sound. He is dead inside and of course has no interest in saving the M.
good sign for you!
blessing