ML,

Ouch....did you know that before you did what you did?

We men cope by withdrawing and avoiding trusting other people, as men we are not supposed to feel, so we just internalize. He trusted you with marriage the ultimate form of faith.

Does the OMW know what happened and does your H want to tell her or did you discourage him?

He also may feel especially betrayed because given the abusive nature of your previous marriage he felt he was creating a safe haven for you and that you would appreciate his goodness.

It also sounds like it was not exactly a ONS, were you in an Emotional affair with these OM prior to and after.

God Bless
Gamma

Marge,

You area getting some intense questions and you have handled them well. I would also like to welcome you to MB. Have you taken the time to read the articles here. Most people are told to start out with the love buster articles, and the needs articles. I think you should read them. However, my take on this is you would do well to read a few other things first and then those articles will mean more to you.

I would strongly recommend you read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. It is within the context of those rules that you can apply what you learn the love busters (LB) articles and in the needs articles. Then read about Harley's two policies: Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and Policy of Radical HOnesty. These two policies will help you and your H negotiate a much better marriage and if they had been used before you would very likely would have never had an affair.

So let's get to your situation. You do realize that men are judged by their spouses and others by how well they take care of their family financially. Perhaps it is not fair, but it is there just the same.

You said that you and your H were stressed about financial matters, suggesting that finances are not in good shape. So from H's point of view, he is failing you and the kids. Fault really doesn't matter, it is his job to do and it is not going well. Now you couple that internal message with the fact that you CHOSE two other men over him and you might see where he would be reticent to reengage with you.

Your message whether you meant it or not is that he is not good enough and that message is being reinforced by the financial issues. Are you seeing where this is going?

Yes, he is depressed, but he is also withdrawn. What you are missing and I think Looursie (sp) touched on this, is that it is your H That thinks he failed. You are focusing on YOUR failures but it is likely that he has judged them to be a statement about him. He sees himself as a failure.

Are you getting the picture? Your words say one thing, but your past actions carry far more weight in his judgement of himself. When you read the articles keep this in mind.

God Bless,

JL

I didn't know that all his exes had cheated on him before I cheated. The OM and his wife are constantly cheating on each other. BH knew that and had never mentioned or seemed like he wanted to tell her about me and the OM.

I know BH is/was hurt, betrayed, angry etc. What is ONS? These were not emotional affairs at all.

I know I have a long hard road ahead of me and I deserve all the work it's going to take to earn back BH and his trust and our marriage. I'm just so beyond scared that his withdraw (which seems more like indifference) means that he is leaning more towards divorce than he is towards letting me work to get him "back".

ONS = One Night Stand

It seems like you are genuine about wanting to fix your marriage. Be prepared for it to take time. Let the good folks here be a guide to getting back on track! You are not the only WS (Wayward Spouse) to post here, and the info is useful to you as well! Take some time to read through the site and familiarize yourself with the MB concepts.

JL

Thank you, I am just trying to be as honest as I can to benefit from the help that you guys can give me. I read through tons of the articles on the site before I even found the forum. I have printed out the ENQ and I am hoping he will be willing to fill it out. I'm going to ask him when he gets home today. I have read the love busters, POJA, PORH, rules for marriage etc. I keep reading them over and over again. I just don't know and don't think BH is willing to try the POJA or anything with me.

I see where you are going with your description of how he is feeling. In reading all the articles I have a lot of things to try and do for BH and for our marriage. I am very discouraged and afraid but looking forward to trying to make him feel better.

Thank you.

Thank you NP

and yes, as bad as it sounds, they were just ONS.

Marge,

Don't be discouraged, recovery is measured in years not months. If your life, your decisions, and your actions toward your H reflect what you have learned here, then I think you can expect to see some changes with time.

If you feel that you and your H have failed to follow the four rules for a good marriage, then print them out and suggest that you would like to follow these rules to make him happier and you happier. They are, as you know, simple and very common sense. It won't seem like counseling to him, but it will offer him a blue print and a context for him to evaluate your actions. Remember it is consistent actions that will mean the most to him.

He needs to see that he is lovable and that you do indeed love him. Remember the love you promised when you married was not a set of feelings but actions. No one can promise how they feel, but they can promise how they will act. Act in a loving and graceful manner toward him.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

After D-Day, my H had times where it seemed he just didn't care one way or the other. It was his way of "checking out" because he just couldn't handle it. I had to learn to gently "be there" and draw him out if he was open. And if not, just be there, holding a hand, sitting next to him. And sometimes he didn't want me near him. At those times I would do housework, cook his favorite dinner, pray a lot, and yes, do some crying.

On our anniversary in 2008, we renewed our wedding vows, complete with redone rings (he swiped mine so it would be a surprise - I thought I had lost them and freaked out). There is hope for recovery. It's just a real, consistent, day-by-day process.

Thank you both. You've definitely given me some hope!

Margie,

The OM and his wife are constantly cheating on each other.

BH knew that and had never mentioned or seemed like he wanted to tell her about me and the OM.

One thing to avoid is anything which sounds like justification or minimization, did OM tell you his wife was a cheater? He may be a liar.

I know it is painful, but you may have to ask your H questions like that and listen to answers you don't want to hear without interruption or defensiveness.

He will not get over this quickly and there is no way to accelerate his clock.

It was very difficult for my wife to ask me which OM bothered me the most, but I really did appreciate that she cared enough to try and understand me.

God Bless
Gamma

If I am understanding who the OMs were, your BH had a extra kick in the nads since you slept with friends and neighbors, so he probably has that added feeling of humiliation.

Only one was a friend. The other was someone I met at a friend's BBQ-essentially a stranger.

Marge,

Here is your thread.

JL

Does this mean that these where your husbands friends and not yours?

Do you understand that you have poor boundaries?
Do you know what that even means?
Have you read about "Extraordinary Precautions" and how to reinforce your boundaries and protect them?

Have you ever been cheated on?

The one OM was originally my Army friend and became my H friend while he lived in our house.

The friend who had the BBQ is a woman that my H does not like. She is not a good person and I don't talk to her anymore.

I do understand that I have poor boundaries. That is why I don't have friends any *more*. That's what I should have said. I did have friends, I don't anymore.

I have read about the EP. I am being brutally honest with him. He knows where I am at all times (home) and I don't go anywhere so I have no time to account for, when he is home I'm always with him.

Yes I've been cheated on. Not by him.

Was it an experiance you enjoyed?

Well of course not. I'm not trying to say he should be happy or anything. I'm not telling him to get over it.

Ok, then here is something you should do.

Ask yourself why it is ok for you to treat your husband in a way that you do not enjoy being treated?

Why was it Ok for you to do this to him, but it was not Ok for it to be done to you?

Why do the basic rules of Marriage apply to everyone but you?



I understand this.

It wasn't ok. In either case. In any case.

That is why I'm here. I'm trying to get help. Not justify what I did at all. I know it was wrong, disgusting, bad, horrible, damaging and abusive to my H and my M.

Margie:

I'm going to recreate your timeline:

Born 1979
Married 1st BH: 199?
Pregnant with first DD 1998
1st DD Born: 1999
Joined Military: 199?
Pregnant with DD2: 2002
DD2 Born: 2002
Met BH/OM: 200?
Divorce 1st BH: 200?
Married to BH: 2004
DS born 2007
Out of Military with Disability: 2007
ONS#1: 2008
ONS#2: 2009
DDays: 2009

Why did I do the above?

Stop worrying about your husband, and put yourself together.
You may get divorced again, or stay with him till you die.
But you have got to stop the compulsive, random behavior that is the mark of your life.

Understand, I had a 4.5 year A with OW, so I know about complusive, random behavior.

Your 1st H, who you cheated on, is no longer involved in you or his childrens lives? Is he paying child support? Should he be? As a step-dad, with the mom cheating, I can understand your current husband "anger" towards your children. He feels responsible for HIS son, but not the others.

So, why do I tell you NOT to worry about your H? Because you have got to fix yourself. You can spend a long time in IC trying to figure it all out. Its pretty easy. You make bad choices. You make them without thinking about the future consequences of those actions, and then you have no coping skills for dealing with those bad choices. And BTW, they will say it all your mothers fault....

Save the money on the IC and contact the Harleys. They can help BOTH of you.

Who was watching your children while you were in the military early on, and married to 1st BH?

Start working on you. Clean up your side of the relationship, start meeting his EN's, (just GUESS!) and be the woman you WANT to be. And your BH will follow.

There are plenty of FWW's around here. You can become one too.

LG