Just curious about this.

My wife continually says she wants a divorce but won't move out and won't file either. It's like she wants me to do it. Is this common?

Do they somehow want to absolve themselves of the guilt of destroying the marriage by telling themselves "well I never divorced them, they were the ones who filed" or is it something else?

mine did... twice now. He really wanted me to do it, but when I refused, he started the process. And he had the balls to ask me to pull the files he needed! Because "we work well as a team." whaaaa?

In canada, you can't file for a D until you have been separated for 12 months. I will let you know in 7.5 months. That being said, my WH hasn't filed for LS.

Mine was the same way. She started threatening about filing in December, but never actually did anything. That is until March 8th, when she did file.

So at least in my case, WW did eventually file. I still don't think she has really thought it through. I also think my case is more of an exception rather than the rule. At least from what I've seen on here.

Man, I wish I lived there.....

Really? But then you never know if they are really going to file in the 12 months or just leave you hanging. It is no fault as well and I can't do anything LEGALLY to keep OW away from my kids. It's not all rosy. I have seen people on here from Ireland(I think) say that it takes like 4-5 years to D. Now that would just be torture.

I guess it could be worse. I shouldn't complain.

I suppose, but I guess in my case everything has happened so fast and this would have given me time. Eh, wishful thinking I guess...

Actually are u sure about that,Scotland? Because i'm in Canada too and if one partner has committed adultery then the BS can get a divorce right away, and it's over within a few months.... Not that u should file if u are not ready, of course...

I asked my sister about that too but she said that when she talked to her lawyer that her lawyer said that it still takes 12 months of separation and then you can file and 31 days later you are divorced. I was reading the websites though and that's why I questioned. I thought that meant that I could file if I had wanted too. Maybe in her case she didn't have enough proof.

I am not filing until my end date of Plan B. I am working the MB plans and that is MY PLAN.

Oh yes, you have to have proof. My lawyer told me I could file anytime since I have proof and it would only take a few months.

I too am not ready to file. My fam keeps bugging me about this and it's getting annoying. They don't seem to get that I WANT to save my marriage....

In my case, Skatt hasn't filed. She prefers mediation. Unfortunately, that requires BOTH parties to do the heavy lifting, and so far, she's doing the feathers-and-paperclips type of lifting. I think she would just prefer to live a divorced life without having to be bothered with all of that pesky paperwork and the extra costs associated with it.

In California, there is a six month "cooling off" period after the papers are filed, so the epic tale of TB has a few more chapters left in it. Sorry to break the news to ya......

TB

In my case, I think the answer is yes.

My WW moved out, though. Even though she had no place to go, no job and no money, she was insistent on moving out. Once we had it in writing she had no choice (not that she even tried to back out of it).

However, when we talked about who would/could file (it's a "no-fault" state with no children) she seemed to think it should be me who filed. Yes, I think this supports her contention that I "fell out of love" with her, which justified her having the affair.

At one point, I thought of simply just waiting it out. Knowing the affair would die, I considered placing the ball in her court and make her file if she truly wanted to leave me and go with OM.

But as time and Plan B worked their magic, I came to realize that my Love Bank was overdrawn and that with her past and presumed personality disorder, I was better off ending it and going my separate way. If this assuages her guilt, then so be it. It really makes no difference to me any more.

Once my XH gave me the "I want to move out" speech in 7/08, he had an agenda.

Separate first, wait a few months and then we can file for D??? He was a "nice" guy and waited till after the holidays and filed in 1/09...Never cake ate, no false recovery -- just onto a path of self destruction

Ark,

This doesn�t strike me as unusual in the least for an off-the-deep-end, emotionally-addicted WW.

�she wants a divorce� = she�s in an active affair that she doesn�t want to give up or even admit to.
�she won�t file either� = she doesn�t want the appearance of being the �bad guy�; she wants you to do it so she doesn�t have to.

The only other reason she may threaten divorce but not follow through on it herself is that she is caught betwixt and between the 2 relationships, is confused and �cake-eating� a bit, and in effect wants you to resolve her guilt-conflict by making the decision for her.

I got a lot of this above stuff from my then-WW for months while she was carrying on her clandestine affair and I was sincerely trying to get her to reconcile and work together on us. There were some moments of real engagement from her but I soon learned that they were just cake-eating, dipping-a-toe-in-the-water things while she weighed her options (this is why snooping and exposure is so important). I later came to learn the real truth. She was just manipulating me while she waited to see if OM was going to stick it out with her (and not dump her or reconcile with his wife). She was just �trying to see if I can get my feelings back� (towards me) while of course continuing to indulge them with her lover (we all know how impossible that is�the affair must END FIRST). She never followed through on any of her promises or half-hearted efforts to 'work together' for us. It was all a sham, a game, and a farce....covered by more lies than I can count designed to CYA her adultery with a married POSOM..

As soon as her OM�s marriage was clearly doomed (OMW found the affair before I did and filed immediately as he was a serial cheater & child-abandoner; my WW deleted messages from OMW on my email meant to warn/inform me), OM ran to my WW as a social/financial backstop. I know that my WW had merely been a sexual plaything up till then and that he would never had agreed to marry her if she had been broke instead of well-off. As soon as WW & OM had their private �engagement party�, she went to a lawyer w/o even talking to me. I got an attorney�s letter in the mail and found my house cleaned out of �her things� one day.

That�s how disloyal, ungrateful, and cowardly these people are. They can�t even face you and tell you the truth about the betrayal they inflict upon those that loved them.

Sorry to say, but if you won't file (like myself who wanted to make her bear full responsibility for doing so), an unrepentant-WW will eventually do it.

LOL, that's funny...my WW waited until just after the holidays--when her "affair-engagement party" took place--as well. She even bought and mailed me a Christmas gift to assuage her guilt ($65 framed!). How nice of her!

I later tossed it in the trash along with her wedding bouquet from our ceremony in 1995.

My wife wont admit that her EA (I presume) is an affair. They are just friends, but she cannot NOT talk with him for any real length of time.

She tells me that she doesn't know if she can cut him out of her life forever because he is her friend and she cares about him.

I've asked her to move out for over a month so I could get in Plan B but she keeps waffling back and forth saying "I'm leaning toward divorce but am staying for the boys and because of your threats to seek sole custody".

I've told her to not come home. That only prompted her to call her lawyer and she keeps coming home.

So I guess I will have to file to get her out. Just wondering if anyone else had similar problems.

Ark,

This is standard WW stuff, as you know.

There is no point in asking her about her affair. She will only continue to lie. All WWs lie their butt off. Mine looked me right in the eyes and lied repeatedly. She lied to EVERYBODY. Yours is doing the same. The only truth you're going to find out about it is that you acquire via your own means. She will NOT tell you the truth so don't bother asking.

The "we are just friends" is a nearly universal bull***t line from WWs. I heard that one too. WWs will confess to having all these strong, irresistible feelings but then try to couch their affair as "just friends". Secrecy & Deception are the hallmarks of ALL affairs -- their relationship is way more than just friends and you both know that.

Unless her and OM are only communicating long-distance and have not (yet) met in person (which I doubt), their affair is not 'just an EA'. Don't buy that one either (not that it really matters). If they have met, they have been sleeping together--bet the farm on it. WWs almost always cop to the emotions but try to deny the sex. Been there too...

She's emotionally-addicted and refuses to give up OM. That's why she cannot resist talking to him and can't see herself without him in her life. Standard stuff here. The fury of WW and OM upon exposure is also typical as you know. Ignore it.

Facebook is evil and toxic to marriages. NO married person should ever be on FB. Many, many affairs begin there--esp. with old flames like this one.

Don't leave your house!

Talk to an atty about the laws in your state. Can you enforce a mandatory legal separation since she is actively cheating?

Ark, are you sure you even want to Plan A/B this marriage? This woman has now cheated on you TWICE...that you know of. I would be thinking hard about handing her walking papers and tossing her out permanently. Up to you, so sorry...

Thanks. Didn't mean to start another thread about me. I have one already under Broken No Contact. Just curious about that particular question.

I struggle with whether I want her or not. The answer is I don't really want her, but she is a keystone in our family and I do want my family.

But it looks like that isn't going to happen so I planning on filing soon. She won't stop the contact and she won't leave the house. Something has to give.

I think my WH was thinking, once he fell in love with OW, that the longer he could get away with the affair behind my back, the more of a chance that I would find out and divorce him....When I found out and I wanted him to stop seeing OW and work on our M, he was in shock...he kept telling me that I couldnt possibly still love him and how could I love him because he really hadnt treated me well the past few years....

That way in his own warped way, if I divorced him, it wouldnt be like he threw me away...it would be like he was cheating but I was the one who wanted divorce him....He really got nasty when I exposed the A and told everyone that I was trying to save my M.

And it was funny because he kept asking me "so you agree with me this marriage cant be saved, right?"....He would get really mad when my answer was "Absolutly this marriage could be saved, if you gave up OW and we worked on our problems." It was like he needed me to say that the marriage had NO chance to recover.

He did not and still doesnt want to take any responsiblity for the destruction of our M....He wanted it to be that I wasnt giving him what he needed, he wasnt happy, he cheated and now I wanted a D.

When in actuality it was we both werent getting what we needed, he wasnt happy, he cheated, he allowed himself to fall in love with OW, He chose OW over his family....He alone wanted a D. (which HE wont even file for, HE is waiting for me to be the one to do it.)






Its funny I was thinkin the same thing.....I posted this on another thread....This is what I am goin thru...stupid waywards.

Oh, sure, waywards file. In my case, mine was dead set on having both a family *and* girlfriends and he wasn't about to back down on this. For him it was (1)way too much fun, (2) he would never admit he was wrong to behave that way, and (3) IMHO there's definitely SA involved because like any addict his behaviour just got more extreme and more destructive.

He filed when he finally realized for certain that I would never, ever, ever in a million years tolerate his girlfriends in any way or for any reason - when he realized that no excuse or justification would ever "work".

He tried bribing me (gifts, trips, new car, etc.)

He tried bullying me (stonewalling me, ignoring me, disappearing on me.)

None of this made me back down. And I told him that I would never ever help him destroy and dismantle our family, either, and that he would have to do that himself. The only thing I wanted was for him to knock it off with the other women and come home and be a husband and father to our family.

When even my own nervous breakdown did not make me back down from this position, he finally moved out and filed.

I think the divorce was just the ultimate in bullying - it was my punishment for daring to stand up to the Big Boss. The rest of his girls are airheaded little yes-twits who either work for him - yes, *work for him* at his Big Corporation - or are otherwise paid to do what he wants as strippers, geisha, porn actresses, etc. etc. etc. you get the idea.

I refused to be one of his little employees and insisted on being an equal partner. So he fired me.

So, yeah, sometimes waywards do file. XWH said that "moving on" would make him "happy", so I assume he's very happy now with full-time girls 24/7 and no one getting in his way (like me). But I would not know because I have not seen him or spoken to him in almost two years.

The rest of us are not happy about this. But apparently he is, and that's all that mattered.