ACK! I posted this whle sitting next to the wife on her PC. I didnt remember she was still logged with her account. But I'm sure you figured that out!

I think the translation of the last post is that you posted under your wife's login!

[quote=SugarCane]I think the translation of the last post is that you posted under your wife's login! [/quote

Yep, he didn't realize that I was still logged in when he posted. LOL

Oh, now this one's naughty! You're not supposed to post on your H's thread!

SoCal, just go back to that post and edit it...at the very top make a note that this is SOCAL posting under my BWs handle.

That will help make it more clear.

It's great that you are calling/texting her while you are at meetings, etc. Another idea my H came up with is he takes pics with his phone of who he is with/where he is and sends them to me...that is helpful as well.

MF, I can't get that crazy with these boards, I think if anyones made it to page 11 of this post, they can follow the bouncing ball by now.

TST,

Here is what I came up with. Mostly from plagurism, but jointly ammended with my wife.
Part 1.
A) Blocking all communication with AP�s � Done and No contact plan created with Steve

B) Accounting for time � Pretty much done, Work from home and spend most free time with the family, otherwise EP�s followed

C) Accounting for all money � Shared accounts and lead pretty much a debit card life, no surprises

D) Spending your leisure time with your wife. Doing this daily unless she wants free time of her own.

E) Change my cell phone number. Done

F) Take a polygraph. Done

G). List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my wife has not had access to. (We use a common password scheme and I advise her of any changes of PW�s.)


Part 2

1. I will openly share my daily schedules with my wife.

2. I will agree to use POJA to reach decisions with my wife that are mutually enthusiastic. This will include purchases that we want to make and budget for over $100.

3. I will always give full access to my email and our accounts, including all passwords, to my wife.

4. I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.

5. I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.

6. I will not spend any personal time with another woman where my wife is not present.

7. I will only discuss my problems, infirmities and concerns with my wife.

8. Any time I require medical attention, counseling, or care that may be provided by a woman, I will have my wife's blessing or I will seek an alternative provider.

9. I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and I will agree to use POJA for any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.

10. I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without the company of my wife, or her enthusiastic agreement.

11. I will not engage in after-work social activities that involve other women if my wife is not present or without prior planning and disclosure. In the event I am without my wife I will keep constant contact.

12. If a "social" event must take place during work hours, I will not consume any alcoholic beverages without immediately notifying my wife. POJA will be leveraged.

13. I will approach the aforementioned as guidelines to our POJA. My life will be governed by open communication and disclosure and not executed or enforced through micromanagementbut of my own freewill.

Put your helmet on.....

List two needs some attention!

You have many boudaries listed.....

BUT

Then you added the exclaimers of.....

"Unless this"

"Except that"

One big reason you had one night stands and affairs is because you thought boundaries only applied when you were enthusiasic about the boundary!

Do you see this?

Boundaries are there to prevent your wayward mind from taking liberty with the vows you agreed to when you married your wife!

Your history eliminates the right to POJA boundaries!


Your wife's willingness to remain married is what you get in return for having these EP's in place.

We are not ENTITLED to anything more than this.

But when you live up to true Just Compensation, your marriage will become a better marriage because the EP's make her feel safer again...... in time,,,, loved again...... and hopefully cherished again.

You can take your helmet off for now!

Have these shown up yet?

Since your A ended some time ago, I recommend you start reading "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" first.

It will kick start YOU working the MB program more than any other.

Please rewrite your EP's as needed and re-post them.

I recommend you do this without your wife's help!
This is a process of YOU doing something to restore the marriage.
An action YOU take, OK!

The bolded part (mine), wow, can I see flaws in my H EP's when I read that.

Socal, you may not agree, or like the no POJA on boundaries, aka lack of freedom, aka lack of independence of your new M.
Remember that it's this very freedom, independent behaviour, that got you entangled into these acts that have destroyed your BW.

As a BW, some of my H's EP's have that stipulation of POJA. I see now, how this has pressured me (my fault) into allowing a leniency on certain
boundaries, where there should be no leniency, whatsoever.

It's a good thing that this is being pointed out to you by tst, since these stipulations can lead your BW to feeling that she is responsible for your happiness/unhappiness as to how she POJA's certain situations.

thanks tst, I don't think I've ever read that about EP's, if I have it didn't make sense the way it does now.

Uhhh...I'm a little concerned that a 15-second change to a post is considered "getting crazy with these boards", LOL. You don't know what crazy is!

In FILSIL I suggest you begin reading up on LBers FIRST because if the LBers don't stop, it's fruitless to be trying to meet ENs and fill the LB$ when there are giant holes draining the ENs.

This is the order we began working on things through the MBW.
I believe FILSIL touches on LBers and then later you can read the LBers book which will really help you tighten up with avoding LBers.

SoCal, I have a question if I may: Why would you *want* to attend work-related social activities if your wife is not present?

And to be fair, I am an XBW whose almost 25-year marriage with two children was blown to bits by XWH's "work-related social activities".

Whoa, there is a problem with these particular EP's. The way they are written does NOT protect your BW or your marriage.

Quoting tst above, let me add that the way those last EP's were written is guarentee that you will wear your wife down with "negotiation" and your marriage will break down. She is traumatized, so cal, do you understand that? Never again will she have the ability, no matter how much she may try, to tolerate anything from you that causes her alarm or suspicion. If she is anything like me or MF, she will end up with a pretty bad case of PTSD.

One other questions for you, SoCal - I scanned your thread but didn't see it: At what sort of place do you work? Financial institution, on-line stuff, factory, what?