Found out my wife was cheating Dec 09 for 2 years (Multiple EAs and Pas). Confronted her�at first denial�then admitted to one affair�then two. Prior to her confession I laid a keystroke logger on her laptop and accessed all of her secret email accounts. Close to 200 emails�.a ton sexually explicit. Plus I found old cell phone bills showing thousands of text msgs per month. I was able to piece together the following:

She was an active member of Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finds, Married Secrets, etc. Her profiles were direct and to the point�didn�t want to leave her marriage�wanted a long term steamy affair.

1) One long term affair (1 year )

2) Two one night stands (she was disappointed�wanted long term affairs�.the guys blew her off after first time they had sex).

5) There were 2...maybe 3 other opportunities that never made it to fruition due to circumstances (I.e. the guy got cold feed, had to leave town, etc. She was very eager and ready to have sex with these men).

6) Throughout the entire two years show was texting with countless men�..dirty talk via im�masturbating. She never masturbated the entire time we have been together until her two year run of cheating

7) Throughout the entire two years she met maybe and addtional 8-10 men for drinks�..kissing..fondling, etc occurred but no sex as far as I can tell.

7) She was reckless�.met a guy in dark secluded place�.he tried to assault and rape her�I think she managed to prevent it from happening.







Since the discovery she has not cheating on me nor had any contact with anyone from her past (as far as I can tell). She does not want a divorce (I�ve asked her several times) Since her admission of cheating she we have both been in IC. We are starting MC soon. Her attitude is indifference�.aloof. Since she has been in IC its almost like her therapist has somehow convinced her its my fault that this happened.. My therapist has been semi-helpful�although�in general therapists seem to dance around the issue�..no blame�no fault�no negative stuff. She had a rough childhood�raped at 8 and again in college. Abusive alcoholic father who abused her from a very young age (emotionally and physically..not sexually). I�m on the fence right now�.50/50 to leave or stay. She has also mismanaged the family finances to the tune of over 100k in CC debt. Had to take a home equity loan, 401k loan, and cash out an old 401k just to keep out heads above water. I admit we did not have a healthy marriage leading up to her cheating. She has anger issues and is very hard to deal a lot of the time. That, coupled with her mismanagement of our finances drove me into deep depression beginning in 2007. Summer of 07 I started to experience extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Ended up on the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. Went to therapy (didn�t help) and was being medicated for depression and anxiety (Sept 2007). It was at this time that she felt I abandoned her and my daughters and began her adventure. When I confronted her she I asked �why didn�t you just leave me..divorce? She said she thought that when I found out she was cheating I wouldn�t care and would just leave.

I�m trying really hard to make this work. I still love her and I now understand she has deep rooted issues stemming from her childhood and being raped. Nonetheless I am having a very hard time. I guess I�m expecting her to show me more by the way of remorse but I�m not seeing it. She is very much ashamed and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt which may be preventing us from moving forward.

All comments and questions are welcome.


Thanks.

BT

Welcome to Marriage Builders. The weekends are slow around here, so be patient.

The first things I would recommend you do are to read the links to the right (most popular links). Also, have you read Surviving an Affair? Really take time to explore this site, there is a TON of great information on it.

Others will be on to give you more comments and assistance. I just happen to be up early.

Again, welcome.

Since it doesn't seem that your current therapy is getting you very far, have you considered counseling with the Harley's?

You're right, it sounds like your wife has some pretty serious issues. Impulsive with not only sex but money. Anger issues. Fear of abandonment. Has she ever been diagnosed with anything?

BT64, welcome to Marriage Builders, the best club that nobody wants to join.

You do realize that your wife is, in a word, "broken." There is something in her psyche that makes her act the way she has.

I strongly urge you to not only undergo MC, but to get a psychiatric evaluation as well.

You mentioned daughters. Can you tell us some of your history? How long have you been married? How many children? How old are you, and is this the first marriage for either of you?

Since it is the weekend and it's a lot slower here than during the week, I strongly suggest you spend some quality time reading the free articles here, starting with the "Most Popular Links" to the right on this page. There are also a lot of terrific and informative articles under the Articles tab on the top of the page. It's important for you to know Marriage Builder concepts if the people here are going to help you.

Also, please recognize that your wife is still in a fog, as are you. You have been traumatized to the level of having a child die! Recovery from this kind of hurt and betrayal does not happen over night. If you and your wife truly want to recover this marriage (and in the beginning, you may have to carry her portion of the load), then this is the place to start!

Thank you for the replies ABR, SidneyT, and Fred in Va. I am reading some of the articles on this website.

Broken...yes....she is as am I. When I found out I almost had a nervous breakdown. I found out just before Christmas (12/19) and I had to hold it together for the kids (8 year old twin daughters and a 3 year old daughter)as to not ruin the holidays for our family. My mother-in-law was also with us during the holidays. She made a comment that it was like a morgue (she nor anyone else knows anything). When my mother-in-law was here we went to church (my wife was raised Catholic). She went to confession and confessed her adultrey).

I have lost 40 lbs since the discovery. And your right FIV...I am carrying this relationship right now. I don't know if she would agree to a psyc eval. The problem right now is I can't bring up anything that has happened. We live day to day right now like nothing happened. In the past we have written each other letters (she finds it difficult to discuss). At times it has been helpful, other times it has caused her created shame and guilt....and her first instinct is to talk of leaving (but that's her being reactive).

BT - welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but it's the best place under the circumstances.

Regarding your wife - has your counselor mentioned the words "sex addict" to you? It is a real condition and it sure sounds like that's where your WW has ended up.

You can check a site called recoverynation and you can Google "Dr. Drew sex addiction". There is a lot of information out there about this and don't let anybody (like well-meaning friends or family) laugh it off or tell you there's no such thing. There most certainly is and you may want to educate yourself about it because I really think this is what you're dealing with.

I did as you suggested and googled DR Drew and sex addict...read an article. Yes - that may be the case. The ironic thing is now she has no desire to have sex. Soon after I discovered she was cheating she had Mirena inserted (birth control device)which was planned before I discovered her cheating (to help with PMS systems) and has been on Zoloft. I know both things can lead to a decrease in sex drive. Plus she may have even discovered she is a sex addict in therapy so now she is trying to compensate....I don't know...she really doesn't discuss her sessions with me.

Hmm....kinda of disappointed by lack of responses. edit

Oh well.....

BT-

Week-ends are pretty slow on MB so that's probably why you aren't getting too many responses right now.

BT,

I am so sorry that you have to be here. Your wife is "severely broken" morally/ethically/emotionally, even by the lowly standards of the many, many cheaters we see here. I am sorry to have to say this...

She has had many, many affairs on you and has undoubtedly had sex with numerous other men, whether you can prove it or not. She is a rare breed -- the true female philanderer -- and will assuredly continue to do so, with or without you.

MB is about building healthy, fulfilling, committed marriages (and recovering those marred by infidelity that is OVER & REPENTED OF) between people who are willing and able and working together. It takes only ONE person to cheat and/or divorce but it requires TWO people of character and honor to stay or recover together. Although MB/Dr. Harley is extremely pro-marriage and anti-divorce (with very good reason), not every marriage can be saved and not every marriage even should be continued.

The most common reason a marriage cannot be recovered is that the wayward-spouse (WS) continues the affair and refuses to end or even own-up to it. This situation is eventually hopeless and the betrayed-spouse (BS) deserves better, no matter how heartbroken he/she is about the WS's betrayal and stubbornness.

The next most common reason is that the WS refuses to learn anything or join in a mutual, healthy recovery process even AFTER his/her affair had ended. These people usually end up resuming their affair at some point or starting a new one. (Consider why some people marry 3 or 4 or 5 times and continue to re-divorce over and over.)

Sometimes, a marriage ends simply because the BS has lost the will to recover with their WS, even if he/she is truly sincere and repentant after-the-affair. Far less common, but the BS has every moral right to end a marriage once infidelity has occurred. Hint: If you're married, DON'T CHEAT under any circumstances. You will always end up regretting it heartily.

There are marriage situations that IMHO frankly aren't even worth considering any attempt at recovery.

1. If your spouse cheats within the first few years of the marriage, he/she probably never took their commitment seriously at all.

2. If you�re in an affair-marriage, the rate of eventual divorce is 95%+ anyway. MHO, but take your lumps and realize that you are somewhere you never should have been and you knew better way back when.

3. If your spouse has now had multiple affairs/is a serial-cheater, he/she has zero regard for you, zero conscience, and isn't worth any effort to reconcile with.

BT, I am sorry and this is of course entirely up to you, but you need to decide first and foremost if you really WANT to try to recover with your WW. Please be logical and realistic here even though I know you have a great deal of emotion and history with her. I don't see any real marriage to recover here. She's massively disturbed, disloyal, and irresponsible as a partner and a human being. She's likely been cheating way further back than you know or suspect right now. I am so sorry...but I would advise you to immediately get tested for every STD under the sun and head right away to a lawyer's office to get this woman out of your life asap.

Please think hard about how much more of your time on this earth you want to expend (waste!) in a completely destructive & dysfunctional relationship like this.

Sorry and God Bless

My husband had sex meetings with multiple men and women and is currently in therepy too. He says the same thing, that he hasnt had any urges since the discovery. I wonder if that is a normal thing for the sex addict. maybe the stress of getting caught causes it. I am so afraid that if we get passed all this, and things calm down, he will go back to his old ways. However this is his only 2nd chance, once more and I am done.

The other thing to consider (besides an actual sexual addiction) is if a person has a mental disorder (Bipolar or some personality disorders, etc.) they can become hypersexual during their manic phases.

Because it sounds like BT's wife has some other issues and impulses (spending and ongoing anger and reckless behaviors, etc.) I wonder if she is exhibiting more manic type behaviors.

SDCW_man - thanks for responding. edit but I appreciate your honesty and frankness.

navewife - thanks for responding. omg..your husband cheated with men and women? i'm so sorry to hear that. and like my situation he's put his sex drive in neutral??...funny how that works eh. i just don't know if its the mirena and zoloft or she's put everything in reverse due to her shame and guilt.

SidneyT - thanks for responding. yes - she definitely has issues...i don't know exactly if she is bipolar, manic depressive, etc. i'm hoping she's figuring that out with her therapist.

Question for everyone - Since discovery she has not cheated (I'm about 95% sure). I have not told ANYONE. Should I? Also, she has been adamant about me deleting the emails I discovered and now control. Her therapist said the same thing...why would I want to hold onto those emails and read them? The only reason I want to keep them is if eventually it doesn't work out and we divorce I will tell her family...and may need the emails as proof...cuz they ain't gonna believe this edit

YES!!! You need to read up on exposure and then do it.

Also, do not get rid of those e-mails. Make copies of them and hide them somewhere she cannot find them. Otherwise, she will easily be in a position to LIE and deny everything!!!

You see, waywards LIE... and it sounds like your WW has been quite brilliant at it.

But I thought (from ready things on this site) that exposure was used when the WS is still cheating? My wife isn't. And I agree about the emails.

Never give up this evidence.

For the reasons that you will never know the future.

Next you need to do a limited exposure to the WW's parents and siblings, OMW. This is so that the affair will be harder to restart.

As to the nut job being paid to give IC for your WW. Your WW is her client and this nut jut counselor will only advocate what will make her client happy not for what is right. How many people will continue to pay and go see a IC that tells them their actions are wrong. People go to IC to feel better about themselves, not necessarily to get better. No IC wants to lose income so they sugar coat what they say to keep the checks coming in. At least the bad ones operate this way.

BT64, if you don't expose your wife's adulterous ways, you are simply enabling her and making it easier for her to backslide.

Exposing an affair --ongoing or not-- is like shining daylight on a vampire.

There are consequences for committing a crime, and adultery and the emotional trauma it causes are nothing less than a crime. A wayward spouse must face the consequences of that crime. Included in those consequences are exposure, permanent no contact with the affair partner, complete transparency, and just compensation.

Do you understand why this is important?

Yes - I understand you reasoning. I'm going to think long and hard about this. For example, if I tell her mother....who is a life-long hard-core catholic....it might put her in the grave. And if I tell her siblings....it could turn them against my WW as some of them can be very judgmental.

I'm concerned that exposing this mess could make matters worse.

Damn.

This is the consequence of your wife's actions that she must face.

With any luck, their responses to the truth of what she has done will be so hard for your WW to tolerate that she would never DREAM of having another affair again the rest of her life. That's why exposure is so powerful!

Sidney - If I may ask...what is your story? Have you dealt with this kind of situation in your personal life? Outcome? Are you a man or woman?