Here is one of Mimi's main threads: here

She DID break Plan B a couple of times and came to regret it when she realized she only prolonged the affair doing that. Keep that in mind when reading her thread.

When he starts chastising you for exposing him, don't allow him to guilt you and don't get baited into a fight. Just say, I am so sorry you are upset and then leave the room. No crying, pleading, fighting. Pleasant, pleasant, pleasant.

Tell him you know of a program that can fix the problems in your marriage and you are willing to try that if he ends his affair with SkankHo.

Yes, this is extremely important. It will likely be hard, of course, but it's worth the effort so be just as pleasant as you possibly can be. Remember, you want your DH to feel comfortable around you because, if he isn't, he won't WANT to be around you and that, obviously, is not your goal. If he says something that angers you (and he will) do your best to not let his words affect you in a way that will make you "react". Don't cry, beg, scream, etc...those are all reactions that will make him want to turn and run the other way (and in turn make the OW look that much more appealing to him...soooooo not what you want). Be the bigger woman, higgs, and let him "see" that you are better than that SkankHo he seems to finds so...wonderful (yuk), right now. After all, sooner or later his fantasy WILL show itself as a reality and then he will see this OW as nothing more than the SkankHo she really is. Keep doing what you are doing and this reality might just come to light sooner than you know it.

We're rooting for you, higgs, we know you can do this!!!

(((HUGS)))

He's home and eating my big dinner, but wouldn't let me fix his plate.

Ok, he was home all of 2 hours, payed his bills on his computer, hooked up his boat and left without saying a word. Daughter told me he was taking boat to lake, but he would be back. I decided to call him and ask what happened?? He said that he was taking his boat to lake to leave it because his truck is too undependable, so if he wants to go to lake then he can take his car...he has two vehicles. Then, when I asked him when he would be back, he said in the morning before school. He said, "if you want to send your PI or come up here yourself, I don't care....or maybe you want to go hunt up OW...I don't know where she is" I asked why he wasn't coming home tonight and he said that he was tired of driving, tired of all this S&*t, and wants rest.

When I drive by OW's house the car is still there....don't know what to think and I'm too tired to drive another 2 hours out there again.

I've been thinking about the surviving an affair book...I'm still reading. Isn't the whole exposure thing a form of love busting? He sees it as a retaliatory act. I can't help wondering what he is up to??? I keep thinking that he isn't in the affair anymore, but he's going to just go ahead and leave me because of the retaliation.

If I go to plan B....do I need to do it from a legal seperation standpoint? How does that work with my children?

What do I need to look for on digital recorder? Most look like the size of a cell phone? Is there a certain brand that is better than others? What do I need to know about them?

higgs, there is a big difference between ENABLING and avoiding lovebusters. For example, it is a "lovebuster" to take the car keys away from a falling down drunk, but the risk to himself and your marriage is much greater if you DON'T. It is the same thing with exposure. The risk of the affair to your marriage is much greater if you don't. And yes, he is in the affair. They don't ever end this easy. Go read Dr Harley's recommendations on exposure.

ALL WS' view exposure as "MEAN" and "vindictive," just as all falling down drunks view taking away the car keys as mean and vindictive. But when they sober up, they are grateful you did.

Just the fact that they will see each other at work on Monday means the affair is still on. Seeing each other = affair still on.


It depends. You don't have to do that to go into plan B but it is a pretty good idea. In Texas, I don't believe you can file for separation, though. I think you have to file for divorce. In your situation, I would tell him in your plan B letter you expect him to continue to pay the bills as usual and that you will allow him to see the kids when he wants.

Go check out spying 101. I think there are some good suggestions from doormatnomore about them. here

If you would like some advice about having to go the LS route, you need to consult an attorney and ask what you should go to legally cover your own butt.

As far as how it will be with your children, you will need to get yourself an IM. Then you could add an addendum to your Plan B letter, discussing the visitation schedule. Your children are old enough to walk out to the car by themselves. That's what my children do. I never see WH unless I intend to. That's a dark Plan B.

Do you have anyone in mind to pick as an IM? Will you be consulting an attorney? Do you know what your rights are as far as CS? What about what you can legally do about the visitations?

RIGHT NOW You have to make sure that whenever you do have contact with him, you are your best self. Plan A is about you learning how to be, and becoming the best wife and mother you are. Plan B will be about you removing yourself from the drama and abuse of this horrible affair. You can do this.

Exposure

higgs,


I believe his comment regarding "being single soon anyway" would be referred to as a "resignation comment".

Had he said this aloud, he would have sounded resigned to what he believes is the fact that YOU are going to divorce him for the affair.


Your job now is to convince him that you are willing to work this thing through. That you are willing to forgive him - that you still believe in the marriage - and that your exposure was a necessary step in that process.

Your words must reaffirm this - each and every time he complains about "retaliation", your words back to him must always be along these lines:

My heart could not allow your secret to continue - the only way to protect OUR marriage was to shed light on the affair.

Your affair was damaging our marriage, and our marriage can survive your anger. It cannot survive your continued affair.

Exposing your affair was the first step toward recovering our marriage on a foundation of honesty between the two of us - we must build this marriage together and and I believe we can do that, but only if your affair stops. We can rebuild. I can forgive.


Keep the mantra going that exposure was to rebuild the marriage, that you believe in him, and can forgive him.

Right now, he thinks he has exploded a bomb on everything. His job, his marriage, and his affair. Actually, he HAS! And YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE PLACE TO COME HOME TO.

He did come home, higgs. He did. That is something to think about, because he came home, ate, and looked at the situation - he was sizing it up.

He left because he still isn't sure.....the kids, you, everything, he is still afraid.


Reassure him.


Be the anchor - even though you made his seas rough - he might still come back.

Trust and believe in that. The MB plans work....so work the plans.

SB

The problem is I can't help but wonder if he left to be with her again. That's the hardest part of this for me is to relax and let it go.

I keep wanting to hunt him down, but at the same time, I'm exhausted. I know I sound like a clanging gong, but I have to express how I feel and this is it. Thanks for everyone's encouragement.

Just got back from some detective work....turned up nothing. She has a alley that runs behind her house. I sat directly behind her house for a couple of hours. I drove around looking to see if he might have parked truck up road or on another street...didn't see anything. I kept thinking that if he was in there, he might come out for a ciagarette....nothing. I finally decided to come home.

I'm in A really similar position and feel exactly like you do. I constantly wanna know where my wife is and want to stop her from being with OM. It's real tough. This morning she came back, cleaned up, packed up some clothes, had some food and she's off to stay with a friend in her
spare room (so she says but I believe her this time, I can easily check) since I exposed everything on Thursday she has been staying with OM. Shes acting so strange it's unbelievable, she can't even look me in the eye when she speaks. Good luck with your WH, it seems we're in the best place for help!

higgs-while you don't want to do anything that encourages the A, you really can't stop him from going out to be with her. I KNOW. There was a few times after DDay that I KNEW WH was going to be with OW. I just let him know that I KNEW and that I wasn't going to accept it. I said things like, "Your actions are hurting me. I believe in a marriage with only 2 people, would you like a cookie?" "I can not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, thanx for making dinner."

I know it is HARD to pull of a SUPERB Plan A, but you have shown so much strength so far, I KNOW you can do this.

Vent here whenever you need to. Just let us know you are venting so we don't worry too much and we will know how to help you.

You're doing GREAT.

Thanks Scotland,

I do mostly vent on here. I don't want to be too much of a burden to my parents or other people. It's a great comfort to me to be able to come here and tell my story and get advice.

He's suppose to be home this morning....we'll see.

One thing in Plan A.............. NO EXPECTATIONS.

If he comes home, fine. If he doesn't, fine. Get it.

So do you have an end date for Plan A(a start date for Plan B)?

I found it easier to do my Plan A when I KNEW what my end date was. That way I could count down the minutes until my pain and problems in Plan A would be OVER.

I do have somewhat of a plan, but no definite end date. I guess I keep thinking about what needs to happen before I go into plan b. I found a recorder at target for $60.....by Olympus..... Does that seem like a good brand 888 hours. I worry about using Velcro and it falling out at his feet. Any ideas about making sure it won't come out?

Just make sure the area you're sticking it on is clean and grease-free. Line the whole back with velcro - that's overkill, believe me. You'll be fine. One thing you've got to watch is to carefully remove it when you're taking it out to listen to. You don't want the one side of the velcro that's attached to the car to come off.