My birthday was Friday, it was the one year anniversary that my husband walked out on me for another woman. I never would have predicted the year that followed, abuse beyond expectation, moving my kids in with the OW, false allegations, lies, intentionally inflicted poverty, etc. On that day a year ago, although I was suddenly faced with a man I didn't recognize, I assumed I would take the high-road, and he, remorseful for breaking up our family (on my birthday no less), would gently and jointly pursue divorce arrangements. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Even though it's been a year and I should expect the war he has raged, I still constantly muster with the thought of "how could he?" and "how can this be the same man I devoted my life to?" These questions that will never be answered, I still ask. My old threads can detail the abuse so I won't get in to it here. But it still continues. I am still struggling on food stamps, he still doesn't pay child support, is still accusing me of being unfit so the OW can better raise the kids (and he can avoid paying child support), and he has still refused to do ANYTHING to move this divorce along. All the while he throws every expensive legal obstacle towards me that I must spend money to defend. I had no debt going in to this, now I owe $14,000 in credit cards and counting, and the court date is still several months away with NOTHING decided upon, except that I have temporary custody of our two young children.

What I have learned in a year is that in some cases, it's better to shut off all contact with the father of your children, for the benefit of your children, no matter what the [censored] says about that. What I haven't learned is how this person can be so hateful to a woman who did everything for him for 10 years and is raising his children. Still struggle with that one. Wish I had the answers so I would stop asking the questions.

I hope the two of them burn in hell, personally.

Fell,


I hope this week is a better one for you....... I am sorry for your pain and hope you can find a way thru it......

I'm struggling myself as we all are in different ways but a recurring theme I hear here is that is important for us to rebuild our lives without the spouse in it ......

I would think back to who you were before you married, there were things you loved to do ...I'd start there.....

And I would continue to take the high road as best I could especially were the kids are concerned......

Make today a better day than yesterday........

Hi there.

I am sorry for everything that you are going through. It sounds like you've been through a lot and I know it is hard for you.

I am a fWW and my advice to you is to stop trying to make sense of everything. It will never make sense and you will drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize or put all the pieces together somehow. The best thing you can do is aim for acceptance. For whatever reason, it happened. But life still goes on. And you can find a new happiness.

The question is---what do you do now? Your situation is what it is---but how do you live your life from today onwards and make it better? Yes, your ex-husband is a total butt and yes, your financial situation sucks---but think of the things within your control that you can change. And try to change those things.

Fell, I don't come around here much anymore but I popped in and read this thread. I just finished a book that I would highly recommend to you in this situation. It's called "Help and Hope for Hurting Wives, When he Leaves" by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. They are christian women who's husbands did the same to them as yours is doing to you. What I loved so much about it is that they helped put into words so many many things that I just couldn't seem to articulate. They hit on every possible emotion. It's a wonderful book that explains so much and then leaves you feeling wonderfully hopeful.

Best of luck to you!

Fell, you've received some good advice here. I'm sorry you are still in the middle of this but the others are right....it's time to stop asking "Why?" and start asking, "What now?"

It's time to start thinking of your new life (without him) and start taking action toward creating a really wonderful life for you and your children. The most valuable thing you can offer your children right now is the gift of having a mother who is at peace and happy in life.

Do you believe in God? My faith was honestly the #1 thing that got me through my own pain and anger and questions of 'why' and 'who', etc. God has a good plan for your life and He's there to get you through this....step by step. Just ask Him.

Also, another important step for me in getting past my anger and grief was getting to the point of realizing how incredibly screwed up my WH was and how I needed to forgive him, not for his sake but for MINE. The anger and bitterness will eat you alive but the peace will truly set you free.

Thanks for all the advice. I knew as soon as I posted how bitter I sound. And I am bitter. I know it's not good for me, but it's a lot harder to turn off the churning in my stomach and pain in my chest every time he chips off another piece of my finances and family unit. I will read that book. I am rebuilding my life. To outsiders I'm doing incredibly well. I am doing the things I love and have so much more, in many ways, than I did throughout the marriage (close friends, a social life, fantastic support system, and the beginnings of financial independance). But I slip, especially when the kids see him unload on me and it stresses them out. The momma bear instinct leads to almost panic at time, and it takes me a while to calm down.

I'm not sure why I posted last time. I clearly didn't have any questions to ask, nor advice to offer. But I am grateful for the responses. At the very least being able to vent here keeps me from over burdening my loved ones with my issues.

I come here to vent probably more than anything else. People here know better than anyone else what we're going through.

So it's OK, FPM. Don't apologize for not asking questions or giving advice. Posts like your serve a great use by letting others know they are not alone in the pain and turmoil.

Extremely good advice! I've been through that myself and it can drive you nuts...it'd be great to get some sort of explanation for how they could do to us what they did, but it's not forthcoming.

Yes, it is driving me "nuts". I have received a lot of great advice and insight from others on here about how those in an "affair fog" operate, and see some sort of explanation in there. I can stop trying to seek answers about why the affair happened and why he left from some of that. But he continues to try to devastate me, emotionally and financially, almost for the pure sport of it. Since I was a good wife and the mother of his children, who behaved well and kept to myself throughout the separation and divorce process, it's THAT part of this horrendous process that I am so confused about. It's very hard not to ask why. It's something new every day, and pure hate directed at me. It does make me wonder what I did to deserve such relentless abuse in his eyes. Why he doesn't just slip away with the OW, begin his new life, and implement a productive divorce process without destroying everything in his path, that's the part I keep finding myself seeking answers to.

Got a call from the kids last night during visitation. He is with OW and my kids at my mother-in-laws for the weekend. I couldn't help but cry. Tho my mother in law has had nothing to do with me since WH walked out (a fact that shocked me) but I never thought she would ever embrace the OW, as religious as she is, and as hard as OW worked to end our marriage. Feel incredibly expendable and replaced.

He still hasn't paid the mortgage, a violation of a court order. Now I get to decide if I will have the father of my children thrown in jail for contempt.

fellspointmom, all I can say is that no matter what time makes it better, slowly, but it does....and the best thing you can do is try to pass that time as best you can, with things that make you happy.

I know all too well how hard it is, my WH left also...and I wonder how he could have done it too...but they did it and there will NEVER be a logical explanation for it...We just have to accept it somehow...I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. I am so so sorry. Hang in there, k?

FPM, the answer that has become apparent to me is that some people are just simply "broken." For whatever reason, at some point, some long-seated trigger gets activated and the person we thought they were suddenly becomes someone else. Someone with no remorse, no consideration, no caring for consequences.

We didn't cause them to be this way; they seem to have had it within them all along. They just didn't display it (or we ignored the telltale signs) until it was too late -- for us.

There are labels we can apply to them, but does it really make a difference? The only thing that makes sense to me is that these people are irretrievably broken. And we are the casualties of their disorder.

Thanks. I'm going out to the library to try and find that book. I was hoping I was done reading divorce books, but apparently I need some more guidance in just getting through the day. Appreciate all the feedback. Don't want to feel this way anymore, but hanging in.

That's the truth!

Personally, I would do it (have him thrown in jail for contempt/failure to pay mortgage)...it is not YOU that is throwing him in jail, it is his OWN ACTIONS and choice.
A person doesn't need to be vengeful or angry to allow the other person to suffer the consequences of their own actions. By not allowing them to go through their own consequences, it's like we are not allowing God the opportunity to teach them and work in their lives, a work that is necessary to their redemption (not of their soul but of their humanity).

DD has behavioral issues. Trying to get her to stop acting out, hitting, talking back. I need to be firm with her. Today she responded to that by letting me know she wished she had a nicer mommy, then began talking about how OW let's her do whatever she wants. I just wanted to cry/scream/run away.... I flew off the handle. I told her OW was a skank and the worst thing that ever happened to our family. I told her she is not a good mommy for letting her do whatever she wanted, and a real mommy has rules. I told her God tells me to discipline because it is what mommy's who love their children are supposed to do to make them grow up to be good people. When she asked if OW is doing what God wants, I said "NO!" OW slept with a married man and broke up our family. God is not happy with OW and what she has done. Then I told her I didn't want to hear about OW again.

I fear I handled it all so terribly. Just the thought of her preferring the OW over me, and during a heated custody battle, threw me in to both panic and rage. I do all the heavy lifting here during school days, sending them to church, etc. It's all a party over there with no rules. And my kids are torn in the middle. I love my kids and show it every day. But til now, I've told myself I had to still be firm to get the behavioral stuff on track. DD got kicked out of school for hitting, and she was only 4! But now, I am afraid to parent. Afraid to loose the popularity contest. Afraid of what the kids might say when the court appointed lawyer asks them where they want to live.

Chickened out of contempt. I just can't be that vindictive. I don't want a judge telling both of us in court that we behaved badly. I want to rise above it and not sink to his level. He paid the mortgage, albeit late, and probably will continue to do so, so I can live with what I am getting.

fells,
Four is a little young to lay all this on, but it's done. It would be good to not respond from emotion, but rather goal-oriented parenting. That's hard, but it can be done. Save your venting for here or to your girlfriends, a sister, some adult you trust. I can't think of anything wrong with what you said except that perhaps it was said with a little heat. It's okay to let your child know that parents that care have rules and care enough to discipline...it's probably beyond a child that age to understand but someday she will. It's also okay to let a child know that in a marriage, the mommy and daddy are only supposed to date or live with each other and if they break that, it hurts the family. You might use an example about something a child might do that's wrong and how it can have a hurtful result so they can relate to it. Be easy on yourself though, you're going through a really hard time and we are all human.

I definitely knew the statements were wrong the second they left my mouth. I vowed not to go there again, at least in that way. I'm also not going to try to win the popularity contest, but parent as I always would. Until now, I've always been very proud of my parenting.

Anyway, lawyer convinced me to go ahead with the contempt of court. My dad (a lawyer) convinced me to always follow legal advice. I fear the repercussions. While some of his violations are a matter of financial record, the others (that indicate what a hot head he is) were a little iffy. Luckily his lawyer isn't too bright. She does whatever he says, and he went on a long explanation of how he HAD to do what he did. In writing. Through his lawyer. Basically, admitting to violating a court order that would otherwise be hard for me to prove.

Now I just wait for the fallout...

WH suddenly wants to attend my son's IEP meeting tomorrow. Never has before. Always has just been me who attended these things. Now that we have a no contact order and he's trying to take my kids from me, he has to show his face for the first time in a process of special ed that I had always had to shoulder alone. I'm scared of him and worry about how things will go. What if he disagrees with our plan and makes trouble? He wouldn't dare bring the OW, would he?

Making things worse, tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary. At least now if he drops dead I collect social security.

Hi fells,

Just wanted to let you know you have my thoughts and support. I'm sorry you are still going thru this. It seems - better she have him and his issues than you, as his behavior is reprehensible.

You know, I was thinking tonight .... it really doesn't matter what happens to "him" (yours or mine). The court, karmic or spiritual justice - it won't really make a difference related to the pain we've already endured.

The questions - well - the answers are ugly I think. These are selfish, immature behaviors that reflect a willingness to cause pain for personal gain. There is no valid logic to that = so the answers are kind of like the justice - it doesn't realy matter because the words would be as shallow as the character behind the behaviors.

You're breathing, and trust me, this is good. The sun will be up in the morning, and you get to decide how your day goes. Sorry, sincerely for your pain - I get it.

K.