OK, so caught hubby cheating with men & women, still dealing with SO much anger and resentment. However, still love him so so much. I am in SO MUCH PAIN right now. I know that I will eventually have to let go of the anger in order to move on, but its been 2 months and I feel like I am stuck in the moment of discovery. WH is trying so very hard, (although sometimes him trying that hard makes me even more angry just to know why he is doing it). He tries to show affections and is up my butt at all times, but the thought of hugging or kissing or holding hands with him sometimes makes me want to cringe. I CANT EVEN LOOK AT HIS FACE MOST OF THE TIME! I tried just sucking it up at first and trying to hug,kiss,hold hands ect...but now I am feeling like I shouldnt be forcing myself to do things if I dont really "feel" them. I feel like I should wait till I feel it then I know it will be genuine and not forced on what I am trying to accomplish. He has given me FULL access to everything, I have all his passwords, he put GPS on his phone, but I still dont feel "safe" I mean, before he was always home after work, always with me on weekends, he did this stuff after work when I was still working, and never left me or canceled plans with me to do it,that is why this is such a shock. He only did this when I wasnt available to him. So in my eyes, even though I can look him up all day and see where he is, and look at the phone bill everymonth and call any numbers that are questionable, I still feel like he could find a way around. He could just as easily set up some meeting on his work phone/computer and still set up his meetings while I work. I am soooo sooo paranoid now its like I am paralyzed. How can I live like this?? I have not seen many posts of people that have survived this kind of thing and turned out with an actual happy ending. I am so concerned and am grasping at any advice I can get my hands on to be able to recover from this. IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE??

The truth is you won't be able to be sure IMO.....he can easily have these men meet him w/o your knowledge for a quickie in a parking lot, bathroom....anywhere...takes only a short amount of time...and your right...work computer he can set up these contacts.

The problem in your case is that you can't feel calm while he's anywhere cause male or female are potential affair people....there is no comfort if he develops male friends to hang out with cause for all you know one may be into the same behavior of homosexuality that he is.

Truly this is your call....can you ever let it all go and trust him again? Only you can answer that and it's way to early to know that....so stop rushing yourself....my cousin was married for 6mo's and had dated/lived with the man for 2yrs prior....she came home from WORK and caught her husband in the shower with another man! She has no idea he was into that....and trust me from the LOOK of him you would never guess it either....my sister and Mom couldn't believe it to be honest...we were stunned...and he had secretly been hooking up behind my cousins back all that time. He has same sex attration going on from his youth....your spouse is not being honest with you IMO. Men are not attracted to other men unless they have same sex attraction issues.....Have you every heard of Joe Dallas? He used to be the head of Exodus Internation? anyway he offers counseling on this and has come out of that life style....he was married and then began engaging in this way....divorced and went full into the gay lifestyle....later coming out of it and has been for years.

It can happen but your spouse needs to be with others who have come out of that lifestyle...and his 1st step is to stop denying his same sex attraction problem...it's like a drug addict or alcholic....you must admit your one to start dealing with it...his posts from what I have read indicate he is more focused on the woman he had the 3yr relationship with and wants to act like the men aren't a big deal cause they were just bj's after all and what man doesn't want one of those from another man? PLEASE!

So you must deal with the reality....and feeling anger or rage right now is part of your reality....please get counseling from someone like Joe Dallas or call NARTH...they can give you lists of counselors in your area to help with this....but call them 1st on the phone...talk to the therapist on the phone and MAKE sure they know what they are talking about...google and read about same sex attraction...not from a wordly point of view....Joe is a Christian and all the places I listed are.

I really dont believe he is attracted to these men. I have done alot of research on sexual addiction, and from what I have read, it is like a drug, they are always trying to reach that new high, that new experience. Just like a drug. With sexual addiction, even a straight man will do these things,when his drug of choice "sex" is not giving him the high that it once did. in the desparation to find the next "high" from his drug of choice "porn", he chose the next drug, Chatting & camming then when that wasnt enough, he went to having an affair, then when she didnt feel dangerous enough, he decided to try the oral with the men. According to him, he said that while he enjoyed this devious behavior with the men, he NEVER wanted to go any further with the men, however, who knows, if the oral got boring, maybe he would have. He is doing IC and dealing with all that now, making himself as transparent as humanly possible, going to church again, and participating 100% in our family. Setting up date nights, picking up the kids from school, doing homework, ect.. He is doing what he is supposed to in order to try to save our marriage. I am trying not to focus just on the man thing (seems like everyone keeps harping on only that issue) I feel like there were alot of issues, and they ALL need to be addressed in order to get through this. I know I have a very long road and my situation is a bit more extreme and different then most, but I am still here, although, I really cant tell you why I am here. I love him, thats obviouse, cuz if I didnt, I would have scooped up the kids, and ran far away. I know it will be a while, but I am just trying to figure out how to be affectionate, and maybe even intimate with him, again.; When I even think of any sexual intimacy with him, I just know that the whole time I will think of what he did and it will ruin things. Even now if he kisses me, all I think about is where his mouth has been. I know "when" we finally have sex again, all I am going to think about is what he did in that hotel room to her. Wondering if he liked it better, if thats what he did to her ,ect... All these thoughts haunt me everyday. I just want to know how long to expect those thoughts to "get in the way" do they ever die down, or is this something I will have to push back forever or just not get over and have to end the marriage. If its possible to save the marriage, how do I get passed those problems, and how long will it take?

It makes sense to me that his homosexual behaviour may well be a manifestation of sex addiction rather than true homosexual or bisexual orientation.

I think you need to approach this more from the standpoint of sex addiction than anything else. The Harleys have always said that the MB approach cannot help when there is addiction present. We have seen plenty of cases here where the WS was also an alcoholic, for example, and the alcoholism *had* to be addressed first before the marriage work could begin.

Maybe you need one step at a time. Focus on the sex addiction first. I don't remember - are you and your H seeing a sex addiction counselor in person about this? What does recoverynation recommend?

I have sympathy because I do believe my XWH was a sex addict. There's nothing that makes people laugh and giggle and roll their eyes like saying the words "sex addict", but when people are using sex and (especially) the pursuit of sex as their drug of choice, they can and do behave like addicts of every other kind and are every bit as destructive.

I don't think XWH ever took up with men (though of course I don't know) but he did start with dating every female he could get in the workplace, and then sitting alone in strip clubs for hours, and then dating married women from the workplace, and I have no doubt he worked his way up to prostitutes. This was all accompanied mountains of porn that used to choke my computer until he finally got his own. I practically had to pour Clorox into the hard drive to get it off.

It's sick and it's sad. He destroyed a family who loved him rather than make any effort to stop, and if that isn't addiction I don't know what is. I hope your husband is wiser.

I appreciate your thoughts, so far I have to say, it looks like he is making HUGE efforts. He is not proud of what he has done and seem very remorsefull. Which is more then some of the other WS do on some of the other posts I have read on here. He just signed up with recoverynation, so I havent read all his thread yet, but I think he is getting alot from that site as well. Im glad to hear you say something other then him being homo and such, everyone else on here seems to be stuck in that mode. It was refreshing to actually address another issue. God bless you.