Hi all,
This is my first post. Have read alot and wish I could have found this site so much earlier on.

Divorced about a year ago. He cheated earlier on in our marrage when I was pregnant with our child. (online affairs) We made it past that and numerous other issues untill 2006.

We seperated in 2006 for several months. I found him on an online dating service and found numerous email accounts. That and I was supporting our family and paying his child support for his other two children. We went to counciling and got through this tough time.

flash forward to the end of 2007 begining of 2008. He is yelling at me bacause I lost the cord to the laptop, so I look through all the bags of computer components and such and come accross court papers for a DNA test for a child in Missouri. Again we go to counciling and I sooo tried to work through this. He lost his job in the middle of all this (looking back a female co worker did also at the same time). I am again paying for everything including his hild support. Now he has a child I never new anything about (I personally think that he should have mentioned something before we rencociled), has lied to me again and again has no job, and sleeps when his first two children come over. They won't come over unless I am there. (I was working 3rd shift at the time). I again try to work through the feelings of resentment and true hatered. I got him a job at the same place I worked at. Same place different area and shift. Counciling helps quite alot, I began to forgive him and actually have hope for the future.

We moved closer to the place we worked due to gas prices towards the middle of 2008. He said something strange before we moved. Something like great I don't want the drama or something like this. Red flag flew up. I noticed he was wearing cologne and purchasing gum.

Started snooping he started getting angry at me. Unfortunately found what I was looking for on my birthday. I called the number that was on his phone numerous times (only when I was at work) It took me a month to get access to his phone he always had it in his pocket and never had ringer on.

DDay was my birthday in 2008. She was a co worker and the place I got him hired on. She returned my call and was very forth comming with information. Met her a few days later at work. I have no hard feelings toward her. He lied to her about me. I believe her over him any day of the week. I see her at work now on a daily basis and him since I changed shifts.

For some odd reason I tried to still live with him as roommates for the sake of my child and his other two children that I knew. I couldn't do it. couldn't live with the fact he fatherd another child when we were married and hid it. Couldn't live with the fact that I paid for everything and he did nothing. Moved out and got divorced in May of 2009. So been divorced about a year.

Two months ago he moved from MY MOTHERS house (yes my mothers house) to an apartment two blocks away from my house. I am engaged(plan on an uber long engagement) and don't want anything to do with my ex unless it involves my child. He is trying to worm his way back into my life. He tries to be cute and flirty like he used to be. Tries to bring up the "good times" even though they were all one big lie. He lives with a woman whom he says is just a room mate.

I have no feelings towards him anymore. This I am sure of 100%.

My questions after rambling on and on are how do I get rid of the anger he is bring up again. I thought I was past it. I am happy with my life now. Why does he do this? I want nothing more than to not ever think of his lies and manipulations again. I don't want to think of the time, money, and love that I wasted on him. I have blown off his acts of flirtaion. I don't want to be friends with him and don't need to be. I am civil to him at all times, to keep the stress on my child down as low as possible. I want my son to learn that even though his father and I don't agree we can still get along for his benifit. Why does my ex think that this involves flirting? I just want him to be civil and that is it. I got a new job and now he has direct acess to me and actually has to call me for some parts of his job, does that mean that he needs to call me old pet names when he does?

How do I get him to stop with out causing waves of retribution and meanness?

Thanks
LULU

LULU, you have got to set VERY firm boundaries with him and let him know exactly what you will tolerate (brief communication about your children only) and what you will not tolerate (friendly chatting, pet names, talking of old times, etc.). And certainly do not ever tolerate his flirting, this is so incredibly disrespectful not only to you but to your fiance'. You setting boundaries with him should be done in a very calm respectful way, and not out of anger. It sounds like he's pretty short on respect anyway, so it's up to you to teach him how he WILL respect you.

He is obviously a person who ignores boundaries or else he wouldn't have the stunning history of affairs that he does, so this will be hard for him to accept. And you have to be very firm and crystal clear on what you will and will not accept, and then act accordingly.

If he does disply anger at this, then that's his problem and he will have to cope with it.

Sidney T
Thank you for responding. I have set firm boundaries with him in the past and inforce them. He constantly tries t push those bondries and I get so tired of inforceing them. He as always felt a need to have womens attention and when he isn't getting it else where he comes back around and tries to get it from me. Will this cycle ever end? Then he tries to gaslight me into thinking that I am just being mean and he is just trying to be a friend. I have straight out told him that I don't want need, or desire him as a friend. I don't need friends or anyone around me like him. I am just wondering if he will ever get tired of this and just leave me alone. The only thing that seems to work is to talk to him like he is a child. I don't want to have to put forth any more effort to control his behavior, but it looks like I will have to untill the end of my days or at least his. I stoped him from asking me questions about his personality and such. He had the never to ask me what kind of a person I thougt he was. I am not sure if he is having a mid life crisis or if he just misses walking all over me. With him asking me questions like that I just told him I am not the person to answer that kind of question and that it was inappropriate for him to ask me.

There are many factors going on here. You said that you paid child support for his children for years.
Do you worry about them?

You would be only human if you did. Do you think your anger could be, in part not what he did to you-- but all the innocents involved, too? This is kind of a issue I have. I can get over personal slights easily... but mess with a (my) kid

There are all too many victims in this story. I am so glad that you have moved on.

Thank you everyone.

I do worry about his other children (at least the one I knew about). I talk to them still at least once a week. He daughter is getting old enough to realize what kind of a person he is. She rarely goes for visitation with him. I usually get a txt from him son everyother day. I still care about them and still stay in touch. I still consider them part of my family in some way. I even had his son over on Easter for an easter egg hunt with my son.

I am proud of myself I did put him in his place today. I can't wait untill he finds someone to bother.

You said you have to deal with him because of your job and asked if that involved having to tolerate his using old pet names...no, you don't have to put up with that, report it to HR on your job and let them deal with it. Congratulations on your engagement, it's good to take your time with it, just enjoy yourself!

This past week has been fantastic. He has been gone for most of it. I hope with a new romantic interest. I know he obviously has boundry issues, but can one person really not learn. I have kept conversations short and to the point with him. I have asked my fiance to be with me any time I have to be around him. I want to make sure he knows that my fiance and I have a united front and keep no secrets from each other. I wish he would stay on vacation longer. My son misses him, he only sent a txt to him today. Last night DS talked to him on the phone and asked him who he was with. My ex probably lied and said it was the radio. Dosen't matter to me who he is with, I just don't want him thinking that I set my DS up to ask that. I am so thankful for my Fiance. I can talk to him about this stuff and he dosen't get upset. He knows what kind of person my ex is and knows what to expect. I am so done trying to figure out his angel or game. It dosen't matter what his angle is quite frankly. Hope you all have a great weekend. I know I will!