Can the situation go really more worse that it already is?

Think hard about that.

Yes. She has very low self esteem and is having a very hard time dealing with her guilt and shame right now. Exposure would magnify this a 1000 fold and could be a major set-back for her, us, our family. I would pull the trigger in an instant if she was still cheating...but she's not. I'm monitor everything computer in the house, check her phone, plus I work from home almost everyday. I still don't trust her 100% but as far as I can tell she is trying to do the right thing.

I am a BW whose WH suddenly moved out several months ago with little explanation. Despite all my best efforts at finding proof of his A (including hiring a PI AND a retired detective) he was too good at hiding the evidence (he destroyed our computer and changed all phone access and took all bills with him and moved to a different town).

I believe 100% in MB principles, and I was desperate to do the single most powerful thing I could have done to save my marriage...EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!!!! Unfortunately I could never do this because of lack of evidence and we are now getting D.

You are very fortunate because you have proof so you ARE in a position to save your M, and that starts by exposure!!!

I'm sorry for you situation.

I was thinking of using the info I have only if I find her cheating again....or if it doesn't work out and we divorce THEN I would tell her family.

She deserves a 2nd chance - yes? maybe not?

How do you know that - are you reading her mind?

She told me that.

I'm sorry to say this, but one thing I have learned repeatedly here is that ALL WAYWARDS LIE. Some are much better than others.

As far as exposing, I believe you still should. Not in a mean spirited way, but more of asking your exposure targets for their advice and guidance on how you can build a stronger marriage. Just lay it all out there for them and ask for their help.

Yes - she could be lying. Here is my take on our current situation:

1) She feels I abandoned her and the children when I was going thru a bad time with depression/anxiet/panic attacks.

2) I've changed for the better since discovery. I help around the house more, show my wife and children affection...overall been a better father/husband. I literally changed overnight...and I think my wife doesn't think it will last. I believe she is still very bitter over her belief that I abandoned her. She tends to magnify bad situations....and I believe that she has told her therapist that I was a lousy sob and didn't give a crap about her or the kids (which isn't true). So....I think her therapist has convinced her that I was partly to blame for driving her to cheat. I'm just guessing here....I really don't know. Right now I don't feel she has done anything with regards to rebuilding our marriage while I have. She has anger issues and it makes it very hard to deal with her...pushing the button so to speak. I guess I could be nice about it and reach out to her family for help...dunno....gotta think about it. I'm going to run this by my therapist tomorrow. I already know what he is going to say....no no no. I'm actually getting tired of him and may stop seeing him..maybe find someone else. He has been helpful with regards to understanding myself and some childhood issues I have and issues within the marriage leading up to the cheating. I'm just running out of juice...and patience. The irony is when I first met my wife she was very jealous....look the wrong way at another woman and she FLIPPED OUT!. Never...and I mean..NEVER in a million years did I think she would ever cheat on me...AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a drink or four...or 10.

Nah - I just took a klonopin....that will calm me down...LOL!~!

You know...when I first found I....I grieved like she died...almost lost it..totally. I think I suffered from PTSD...I may still be....God help me.

Hi BT64 - Is she "sorry" for her actions? Or is she "sorry" that she got caught. There's a huge difference.

I suspect that the "low self esteem" and "shame" are pretty self centered in that she's sorry that she got caught. She will most likely continue to be "sorry" and "ashamed" long enough to "make things right" between you two... Eventully, her desires will become stronger than her "shame"... especially if you start "trusting" her... and she will stray again.

I also suspect that your W has some serious issues besides cheating that need to be addressed with a professional psychiatrist. Until that is done, you'll just be putting a band aid on a sucking chest wound.

Exposing to people that she respects and looks up to will possibly help keep her from acting on her desires (her mother, her siblings, trusted friend from church, priest, etc).

Right now, you need the support of as many people in your life that will help you and help her. You don't have to be graphic with your exposure, but you do need to be specific...

"Mrs. BT64 has been posting in on-line sex chat rooms and has physically met with multiple men. I'm asking for your help to hold Mrs. BT64 accountable for her actions and help me convince her to seek profesional medical attention."

Multiple A's usually have some other underlying issues that MUST be addressed before the adultery can be delt with. Until these underlying issues are delt with, the same actions will most likely continue.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Is she "sorry" for her actions? Or is she "sorry" that she got caught. There's a huge difference.

I wonder about this all the time. Her year long affair really bothers me. She was in love with him, loved him, he would always have a special place in her heart...etc. To this day she denies ever loving him or saying that she did. She says she had strong feeling for him but did not love him. She broke that off in June 09(only a few emails after...last one in OCT). After that no more sexual encounters...although she did continue to chat and meet a few men. There may have been another PA....don't know for sure...the emails did not indicate..but they were set to meet for physical contact.

Sounds like she's placed, and you've accepted, all the blame for her cheating. That's typical wayward behavior....BLAME, BLAME, BLAME and take no responsibility for the fact that they've betrayed their spouse!!!

You see, if she can get you to focus on YOUR shortcomings (and face it, we're all human and we all have them) then she does not have to face or be accountable for what SHE'S done. Nice, huh?

Don't fall into this trap of her telling you she's feeling guilt and remorse just yet. She needs to be accountable for her actions and if she's still placing the blame on YOU for HER actions, then she isn't remorseful.

And yes, the grief you have experienced is no different than the death of a spouse. Betrayal is extremely painful and takes a LONG time to heal from. Go easy on yourself.

Funny you should mention blame. She told me she's afraid to go to MC because she will get all the blame (after I told her that her anger..meanness...mismanagement of finance...drove me into depression.

It stems from her childhood. Her father was an extremely abusive (emotionally/phyically...not sexually). She said she was always being blamed for something..put down....made to feel worthless.

BT,

I am sorry but I strongly feel like you are being bambozzled here. Your WW has shown nothing but contempt for you and your marriage by her philandering, lying, and dangerous promiscuity. You have no reason on God's green earth to believe anything she tells you.

Whether or not she is still pursuing another affair RIGHT NOW means little. She's done it many times before (for YEARS) and is 99% likely to resume sooner or later.

DON'T discard your evidence and YES you should expose her past affairs anyway.

BT,

You didn�t answer my question � do you, despite all the above, want to try to reconcile this marriage???

Remember, her therapist is NOT an ally of your marriage in this. He/she is looking out for your WW�s individual interests (at best), not the interests of your marriage. I will guarantee that it won�t �work out� if you sweep her rampant infidelity under the rug. If you want any chance of shaking your WW out of her obscene cheating-funk, then you will need to EXPOSE her infidelities whether she likes it or not.

I�m sure Tiger Woods would have preferred his serial-cheating remain �private� as well�

Frankly, the above is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD EXPOSE.

why do i want to stay in this marriage? because i love her...and i believe she loves me...and i think she has major deep rooted psychological issues that led her to cheat to the extent that she did. she was betrayed by most of the important men in her life (father, boyfriends, ex-finance). i think she just snapped...and then became addicted to cheating. plus i have three young children to think about. no - i'm not going to stay married for our children...but they do play into my decision making.

And with regards to your post:

Originally Posted By: BT64
Yes - I understand you reasoning. I'm going to think long and hard about this. For example, if I tell her mother....who is a life-long hard-core catholic....it might put her in the grave. And if I tell her siblings....it could turn them against my WW as some of them can be very judgmental.

I'm concerned that exposing this mess could make matters worse.

Damn.


Frankly, the above is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD EXPOSE.

So....its best to expose, kill her mother, and turn her entire family against her?

YOU ARE A HARDCORE SOB.

If you just take bits and pieces of the advice here, don't expect any of it to work. I'm just sayin'.

Hey BT64 - Did you read my post to you?

I personally don't think that exposing will put your mother-in-law in the ground, unless she has chronic heart problems. If she is physically sick, then yes, you need to consider her health.

I suspect that this is just a way to rationalize NOT exposing. You don't know if her siblings will "turn" against her or will help her... until you expose. This will help keep your wife accountable to someone besides you, and right now, you need all the help and support that you can get. Why would you not want help from her close friends and family???

You're getting some good advice... calling posters that take the time to answer your questions names isn't going to get folks flocking to your post to help...

Semper Fi,

RIF

This is why your wife doesn't respect you. You aren't exposing, you aren't fighting for her--you're letting her destroy your marriage and you're laying down letting her do it.

If you were her would you want to be married to someone like that!?

BT,

I am sorry to have upset you�I do realize you are going through a horrible emotional trauma right now. But�, if you want 'help', facts are facts.

EXPOSURE is the only (slim) chance you have to salvage a marriage that can be worthwhile in the future. You have been advised that by everyone here and it is straight from Dr. Harley�s teachings , so don�t shoot the messenger! If you love her enough to forgive her outlandish past behavior and fight for this relationship, then you must do this.

Exposure is NOT �going to kill her mother��enough with the melodramatic hyperbole. If it does affect her siblings� (and mother�s) opinion of her, that is not your doing. It is the TRUTH. The consequences of someone else�s behavior are THEIR responsibility and you would be enabling her to resume it by hiding the consequences. The point of exposure is to bring pressure upon a WS (from family, employers, etc.) to CHANGE their behavior. It is a way of saying �AFFAIRS ARE UNACCEPTABLE�. It�s not supposed to �mean� � you can tell everyone how much you love her and want to help her get better � it�s like a �family intervention� for someone who doesn�t see their own destructive gambling or drug problem.

Read the articles here.

Please get STD tested this week for your own sake�you have undoubtedly been exposed to numerous unknown and high-risk sexual contacts.