Ok. I understand. Sorry about the sob thing......I really do appreciate everyone's posts....I don't feel so alone anymore. I am not going to take bits and pieces...everything is understood and remembered...plus i'm reading the articles on this site.

And that is the hardest part....the feeling of loneliness...just me and the priest she confessed to know about this (and our therapists).

And I have thought of the respect thing. I didn't handle this well at first...I acted weak and needy...Not anymore. I guess I'm afraid the whole exposure thing will backfire on me...dunno...going to give it some hard thought. I may start out with one or two of her siblings and see how it goes.

Again - I apologize about the name calling...won't happen again.

P.S. - her mother is 68....had brain surgery a while back...she takes a ton of meds daily....i'm just concerned that's all...she has always treated me like gold.

question - what does the red number next to the number of posts mean?

Question. Reading thru emails I saw that when she was with her year long fling she said another of times she felt 'Safe' with him. She told me she doesn't feel 'Safe' with me (told me that about a month ago...don't know how she currently feels).

Can anyone comment on this? Safe? Hell...I'm the one who doesn't feel SAFE...and I told her that...just made her feel even worse.

Just more wayward babble. She will say anything to justify having an affair. Don't put much stock into much of what she says, then or now. Waywards cannot be trusted until they EARN that trust back. And she has a VERY long way to go.

When I expose this thing....do I tell the wife first?

Also - what does the red number next to the number of posts mean?

You tell everyone you can as fast as possible. Before your W can spin you as crazy to the people.

BT64,
I havent read you thread yet so give me a moment BUT...

do not tell you WW that you are going to expose. It will only give her time to get tot he pertainant people and put her spin on the story which will inevitably portray YOU as crazy/abusive/hateful/more wayward fog drivel to suit HER purpose ie the continence of her affair.

She should find out about the exposure at the time that people starting contacting her and saying "hey, your having an affair and your H told me in a way that shows how much he still loves you."

Secondly, the number next to the word posts, is how many posts a member has written. In my case a shade over 4200

You know...that's what I'm afraid of...they will take her side and I will look like the bad guy. I guess if push comes to shove and I'll break out the emails....and they ain't pretty.

That's the worse part....nothing left to the imagination...its all there in black and white....hardcore..explicit..blow for blow (no pun intended).

my head hurts....

ok, I have read you thread. You need to work out who it is you are going to expose to and do it ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Then it is done. Expect your WW to be angry and say things like "I will never trust you again", or "I was going to work on the M but you ruined any chances of that". It'll blow over in a couple of days. They ALL say this stuff and they ALL get over it.

Now, I see lots of people are advising re the multiple sex partners so I'll not go into that.... have you read the 10 basic concepts in the articles sections? Are you going to get one of the books? SAA is the best one for this situation, however my DH and I feel 'his needs, her needs" is what really saved our M.

Is your WW interested in coming on the MB board? She will get some hard knocks to start with if she is just all about her and not interested in working on the M but I have seen some amazing turn arounds from WS's who come to MB.

Also now would be a good time to sit with your WW and do the Emotional needs questionnaire and the love busters questionnaire so that you can BOTH start working on making the loving marriage you want, where you are BOTH happy and no one goes outside the M to get needs met.

Also forgot to add...

I had an actively wayward spouse when I exposed so mine was more wide spread. I think by the time I had finished I exposed to over 100 people. Only 2 dont talk to him still, 2 years post exposure... MY mother and MY sister, and even those my DH considers HIS consequence, not mine.

BT,

If any of the OM were married you also need to inform their wives

Gamma.

The wife of the OM who had the year long affair with my wife knows. She actually sent my wife a few emails...tried to convince my wife that her husband was cheating on my wife...that's rich...cheaters cheating on each other.

kind of pathetic eh?

my wife...on this board......LOL!

NOT A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL.

I have a better shot of hitting the lottery.

Doesn't matter,the vast majority of people on this board will never see their spouses post.

What about the rest of the information in my post?

Yes - I'm going to check out 10 basic concepts in the articles sections plus the SAA book.

Thanks for the info..appreciate it.

Dont forget the ENQ and LBQ, they are very helpful

BT,

1. Forget about the past dustup between us. I know you are in he77 right now�I was there myself a few years ago. Over and done, buddy, no hard feelings.

2. You expose to EVERYONE at once. You do NOT warn or tell WW in advance.

3. If you couch it non-judgmentally (i.e don�t expose with �look what this XXXX did to me!�), but instead do it in �tough-love� fashion (i.e. everyone, as deeply & hurt and offended I am by what she has done, I still love WW and ask for your help in rebuilding our marriage�), I doubt very much her family is going to turn on you. From your description, they are probably going to be very disappointed with your WW and become your allies. You cannot control them though. If they do choose to enable her, make excuses for her, blameshift onto you, etc, then there is something very wrong with them. You don�t really have a choice and, believe me, you have nothing to lose if you want to attempt R.


BT, let me give my TRUE story about the horrible consequences of delayed exposure/non-exposure (most of this happened BEFORE I found MB and learned this stuff the HARD WAY). I was once where you are now�I loved my wife faithfully and wanted desperately to restore our marriage. She was giving me all the standard wayward-fog-babble (�she was unhappy for years, God wants her to be happy, we are incompatible, divorce is the only way, I ruined everything, I don�t have any feelings left for you, it�s hopeless between us, I just need space� � yada yada yada). I bought her lies hook, line, and sinker. She had me believing that I was this horribly unworthy husband who was responsible for everything bad short of the Kennedy Assassination. I did all the WRONG weak-kneed things�pleading, begging, apologizing for everything, acting needy and panicky, etc. You know where that leads�she lied her a$$ of all the more, walked all over me, and manipulated/scapegoated me to no end.

I did not do the RIGHT things�like you I was scared and afraid to anger her further. (WSs use that threat to intimidate you away from discovering/exposing their dirt. They are terrified of exposure!) I had asked her several times about an affair�she denied it of course. Like an idiot, I believed her. I wanted to believe her. There was no way my sweet girl of 13 years would ever do something like that, right? People who knew us tried to warn me��this isn�t all about you! Hire a PI right now! She�s hiding something from you and blaming you to cover her a$$!� My good buddy�s wife told me flat out �SD, I am a woman�I JUST KNOW!!!� I was shaken and weaseled out of what I should have done�which was SNOOP & EXPOSE ASAP! (I later found out that WW was surveilling my email account�shared password�and deleting messages from OMW trying to inform me.) I thought if I was just the dutiful, remorseful husband (who took WW to marriage counseling�NEVER DO THAT UNTIL THE AFFAIR IS OVER) that she would see my sincerity and give us another chance to work it out. THIS CRAP NEVER WORKS!

I finally found out definitively about the affair months later from a friend who saw WW/OM and finally snooped (the A had being going on for a LONG time and was the REAL reason for the marriage�s disintegration�duh!). It was way too late�WW had already filed, wouldn�t talk to me, lived with OM, and had had plenty of time to concoct her detailed cover-story to family & friends of how horrible I was, she tried everything incl. counseling to work it out, and she only had met her new �boyfriend� (whom she claimed was single) AFTER filing for divorce�you know, she was �only waiting for the paperwork when they first started dating� and her �new relationship had nothing to do with the divorce�. As you might expect, my feeble exposure was utterly useless at that point. No one believed me and, with one minor exception only, her family enabled WW and turned their back completely on me�you know, I was the crazy, jealous stbx who couldn�t �let go and move on�.

The above is what inevitably happens when a BH isn�t armed with the right information and is passive, gullible, spineless, and hesitant. DON�T DO THIS!


4. My experiences and the vast amounts I have learned here since, have made me determined to TOUGH-LOVE-help other people (esp. BHs & fWWs) to do it RIGHT. I know how hard it is to crack a WW-affair even when a BH does everything perfectly; it is darn near impossible when he screws up. You know my view on your situation�bluntly and realistically stated�but it�s YOUR CALL. I wouldn�t trust for a second that your WW is currently affair-free much less really �learned anything� yet. If you are sure that you want to uphill-fight for this marriage (and I understand why you feel that way), then PLEASE STICK TO THE PLANS HERE TO THE LETTER AND DON�T LET YOUR EMOTIONS THROW YOU OFF TRACK.

God Bless�hope this helps, it�s all true.

BT

Something to think about, given the enormous amount of adultery your wife has engaged in you might want to give her a lie detector test.

I allowed my wifes infidelity 20 years ago just to slip past and now it is really going to be difficult to get the truth about what happened, there is some chance that she really did forget. Don�t let yourself get in my position.

Gamma

Thanks SDCWman. Having been there yourself you know how it is. I am taking your post to heart. As I've said earlier...I'm about 95% certain she is affair free at the moment. And unlike you she does not have access to any of my email. I have full access to all of the computers in our house as well as her cell phone and our home phone. I am in the IT field (25 years). When it comes to the WWW and all things IT I am a god and she is an ant. Unlike your situation she does not want divorce. I even forced the issue one time buy packing a suitcase and leaving. I told her to go with her man because I felt she didn't want to be with me anymore. She didn't leave. And while she was having her main 1 year affair the OM wanted to be with her permanently as a couple. She did not pursue that. She wrote me a letter after discovery and I questioned on incident when she had lunch with the other OM. She was a mess...crying...had to pull over on the way home. I asked her what was going thru her mind at this time. My wife said she was confused and didn't know what to do. She desperately wanted to fix our marriage but didn't know how...and thought we were both just going thru the motions and that time...both of us not in love with each other any more (she broke of the 1 year realtionship permanently soon after). Her 1 year affair man was a piece of work. Bodybuilder (on steroids...which she didn't know at the time until I told her....I know everything about him..name, where he works, where he lives, SSN, etc.) I even exchanged several emails with him. And you know that sob offered for the three of us to meet so he could help us work on our marriage. If he only knew what I would really like to do to him......I could take his life away from him one piece at a time...until he has nothing. He is an ex-con and I would like nothing better than to put him back in jail. It would be very easy to do. I realize I may not know the entire truth about what happended.....but I believe I have about 80-90 percent of it. And the rest....really doesn't matter at this point.

But again, thanks for your input...I am really going to consider doing what you say. I'm going to place a GPS tracking device in my wifes van soon and see what that shows. I want to be 100% sure before I pull the trigger. Not all situations are the same and maybe...just maybe...given time....things will work out for me and my wife...and then again...maybe not. I will find out soon enough.

Lie detector test? And what would I ask....is she still cheating. I already know she cheated...I have proof. I'm going with a GPS tracker in her van soon to see if I can catch her in the act if she is still cheating.

lildoggie...i really love this:

How affairs happen: One tiny step, turned from wrong into not so wrong into not as wrong into not wrong into OK because into acceptable into comfortable into I deserve...

baby steps leading to a morally corrupt life.

right on the money.