Vibrassa,
I have only read HNHN and part of FILSIL.

FILSIL is, starting with its title, the most positive and upbeat, focused on doing things right so you don't have to try to fix them later. I have given it as a wedding gift to a young couple, and am ordering another copy for the same purpose. Don't worry, I gave them a toaster oven, too.

Girly swot here has finished chapter 1 and the intro too because I couldn't remember if that was required too

What's a swot?

Swot, British slang for a studious scholar, often used derisively; by extension, slang for cramming - Wiki

Gah it's Tuesday and my book hasn't come in yet.... Monday is like.... 5 days away.....




....hehe I could be a mini- ML

Well, I can discuss Ch. 1 and the intro like nobodies business! C'mon Monday!

Hope everyone's reading is going well - just bumping this as a reminder....

Didja get your book yet?

No - the shipping time is like a billion years so I may have to just sit out the first bit....

que triste

Soolee,

I'm sorry but I may not be around for the book club. I need to take a break from the forum.

This is a great idea & I'm sure it will be interesting.

I understand, Chris.

Just bumping to remind everybody.
We'll be meeting on Monday to discuss Part I.

Just pushing this to the top as a friendly reminder. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

My book finally arrived yesterday.....my spouse read part of chp 1 and was to tired to continue last night..fell asleep BUT we agreed that we would read together and discuss each chp together and not one go forward w/o the other so I am very happy about this.

I just read the entire chp 1 this morning....and he(Dr.H) has some thoughtful questions at the end of it...this will be nice as we can then use this to discuss our take on it and how it applies to our marriage....I will be re-reading chp 1 several times as I see my marriage very much in the couple he uses to open the book with.

So we are to meet up on Monday here and share....so I'll be back then.

refresh my memory - how much are we reading again?

We're reading Part I, so that would be the introduction and the first two chapters.

I know it helps the M if both spouses read the book but in so many cases the other spouse won't read the book, think they don't need to read the book, think they have the solution for any problems in the M, or point out what is wrong with the spouse on this forum by selecting parts of the book that prove their (non participitant of this forum) point.

I hope there is enough discussion with the "only one spouse reading the book option" in mind.

Lou

OH I didn't know we need to read chapters 1 & 2! I thought we were doing 1 chapter at a time.....well I'll read chp 2 later on Sunday night then.

Got my book!

LOU - One thing Pepperband mentioned a while back and I've tried to do is spoon feed DH little bits of MB as I go along. I'll admit - DH actually is on board with MB (he's just not a big reader) but I've managed to implement many of the basics without him reading anything.

I do think that discussion of how to implement the principles of Love Busters with only one spouse on board would be a beneficial discussion.

Lookin' forward to Monday!

Good morning everybody!!!

It's Monday morning, May 3rd, and we're reviewing Part I of LOVE BUSTERS by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This includes the introduction and chapters 1 and 2.

I thought during the past week how we should try to get the most out of the book by keeping the discussion ongoing through the week. As long as we aren't discussing things ahead of schedule, I don't see a problem with that. Big thing is to shift gears each Monday and incorporate the just-read chapters into what we're already discussing.

I compiled the following schedule. If this causes a problem or the flow is too slow or too fast, please let me know. You can copy and paste this to Word, print it out, trim it up, and use it as a bookmark if you'd like. Due to Memorial Day falling on a Monday, we can reserve that particular discussion for June 1st. We lose a day of reading the following week in order to stay on schedule, but I think we can handle it.

May 3rd - May 10th
Discuss Intro & chapters 1 & 2.
Read Chapters 3 & 4

May 10th - May 17th
Discuss Chapters 3 & 4
Read Chapters 5 & 6

May 17th - May 24th
Discuss Chapters 5 & 6
Read Chapters 7 & 8

May 24th - June 1st
Discuss Chapters 7 & 8
Read Chapters 9, 10, & 11

June 1st - June 7th
Discuss Chapters 9, 10, & 11
Read Chapters 12 & 13

June 7th - June 14th
Discuss Chapters 12 & 13
Read Chapters 14 & 15

June 14th - June 21st
Discuss Chapters 14 & 15
Read Chapters 16 & 17

June 21st - June 27th
Discuss Chapters 16 & 17

Here we go. My thoughts on the introduction:

In the introduction, this bolded area on page 8 resonated with me: Just about everything you and your spouse do affects the feeling of love you have for each other. So, to me this means that the health of the relationship can swing in either direction, based on the decisions we make. It got me thinking about the habits that have developed in my marriage over the last 21 years and how I really need to take a look at what I'm doing that isn't helping and what I'm not doing that I should be doing.

What I got from this was that our actions that affect our spouses can foster contentment and happiness or anxiety and upset. One says: I cherish you. I appreciate you. I'm doing my part to make our life happy together. The other says: Whatever.

We know from our childhood lessons on morality that hatred opposes love, but I've also heard the same of apathy or indifference. People want to know that they matter, and if they don't feel that they matter, what is their incentive to keep hanging around? What's stopping them from wanting to move on and find someone who does feel that they matter?

Did anyone else see anything in the introduction that made them pause?

btw - I do have to be off line for a little bit but will be back later this morning. Carry on!

Soolee, I admit, I loaned out my copy, and I can't remember who I lent it to, so I read Chapter 1 online.

I liked this part of the introduction. For so many years, I thought that since my H was disconnected from me, acted as if sometimes he just didn't like me any more, maybe I just needed to work *harder.* Which was tough to stay consistent with, because I was already overwhelmed!


So it wasn't that me or my H were or are bad or wrong, just that we'd developed some poor habits, and we could trade them in, for new habits we liked better, and we could again have a passionate, in-love marriage. What a wonderful hope!

1. Discuss the tragic events of Jim and Karen�s marriage. Are there any similarities between their marriage and yours? If you had been advising them during the first year of their marriage, what would you have suggested to them? Would that same advice have helped your marriage?
Yes, I see the similarities. I would take to housekeeping like Karen did to the SF, I would just say yes, regardless of what I was willing or enthusiastic about doing, and it came to feel like a hated chore, and I'd feel depressed and defeated when I was done. Even though I like a clean house, too.

2. Try to explain the Love Bank to each other in your own words. Most couples have trouble discussing Love Bank withdrawals, because it often sounds like criticism. How could you let each other know about withdrawals that are taking place in a way that would be constructive?
I think it sounds like criticism when we're Renters, each wanting our own way. But as I got back in tune with my Buyer, I could look at information about withdrawals I was making as good to know. I think like the folks have been discussing on the DJ thread, that we can let each other know by sharing our information, our RH.

I've got to go for now, but I'll be back to answer the rest.
3. There are many who believe that the feeling of love cannot be sustained in marriage. What do you think? If you believe that it can be sustained, is it important enough for both of you to do what it takes to keep your Love Bank balances above the romantic love threshold?

4. How do Love Bank balances affect your willingness to meet each other�s emotional needs? How do they affect your temptation to
hurt each other? When your Love Bank balances are low, what should you try to do that you don�t feel like doing for each other?
What should you try to avoid doing that you feel like doing to each other?

5. What are Love Busters? Why do I emphasize habits rather than isolated behavior?

I marked this as well. I think that the whole MB philosophy hinges on this concept.

And I agree with NED - it does give hope that if you change habits you can have a PASSIONATE marriage. Passion is the glue that keeps a healthy happy marriage. Really MB is so simple and makes so much sense.

One thing that I kept thinking as I read is how little society prepares us for marriage on a Macro level. Some families may do this but society as a whole doesn't. Lemme' explain:

In every movie we watch, in the stories we read all the struggle is with 'getting the girl' or 'finding the right guy'. The credits always roll when they finally get together. We are given the impression that with the right person, as soon as we find them it is 'happily ever after'. If you're meant to be and 'soulmates' then the passion will just naturally occur from there. If it doesn't we've picked the wrong person.

This is just as much a fantasy as the Easter Bunny. We do have to work to maintain that Passion - but that doesn't mean the work has to be unpleasant. It isn't so much about finding the right person as it is BEING the right person, having the right attitude, the right behaviors and priorities.

Lemme bring this back to the first Chapter and the story of Jim and Karen. At the beginning they seemed perfect for each other and at the end they felt the couldn't have made a bigger mistake than having married each other.


If you're taught that out there, somewhere, is 'The One' your 'Soulmate' and all you have to do to ensure your future happiness is find them, then once you have found what you think is 'The One' you won't plan to do anything after that- you've already done the required work just by finding them. Then, when things don't work out you're convinced that the problem is that they aren't really 'The One' and then - because finding 'The One' is so important, you HAVE to go find them.

What I think helped my DH immeasurably was seeing his parent's struggle to stay together, through thick and thin. Many people don't get that. The example they get is a loveless marriage or divorce.

What struck me most about Jim and Karen's marriage was how rational each TINY step was that led them to where they were. Each decision they made was so logical and made so much sense, however they were made with the WRONG founding principle and so they ended in disaster.

Baby is on the way - need to make more money - can't be around the wife so much.

Baby is on the way - need support - lonely b/c hubby isn't around. Not in love - don't want sex.

Hey I deserve Sex!

I feel Raped. I will now protect myself! I don't care if hubby is hurt.

When they were dating their focus was on EACH OTHER. When they were married their dating habits changed and their focus went off of the Other Person. They had 'Dating' Behaviors that stopped when they got married.

I think this is one thing that 'saved' DH & my marriage. We never really changed our 'Dating' Behaviors, they were carried right into our marriage. Waiting 4 years to have DD also helped as it established those behaviors in our marriage and we've carried them in to being Parents. (This isn't to say that people that have kids right away are necessarily worse of - they won't be if they keep their focus on each other) This is just how it managed to work out for us.

I used to think that DH and I must have some special, magical something to have kept the 'honeymoon' feeling much longer than other couples we interacted with. Finding MB I realized it was just that we were doing things 'Right'.

Finally, where Jim and Karen messed up is in not TALKING to each other when things were going wrong. Instead of talking about her loneliness, Karen decided to 'suck it up' for the sake of the Marriage. What they didn't understand was


If she'd told Jim how she FELT and how that was affecting her LOVE for him, he could have changed his priorities early on from: support the family to make Karen feel loved.

Wow I just wrote a novel. Gonna wait for others to chime in... I found a lot of insight just in chapter 1.