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Hang tight Higgs. You are doing a spectacular job. Well done. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I sent him a message about forgiving him and wanting to move forward. I'm hoping for a miracle...we'll see.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Higgs,
I've been following along and rooting for you. Your comment about forgiving him caused me to de-lurk.
Now is not the time to talk to him about forgiveness. He hasn't even admitted all the harm he has done to you and your M, much less shown true remorse. When that happens and when he asks for forgiveness, then you can do it when you're ready.
Many BS's, myself included, make it too easy on the WS when the A comes to light. In my case, the A was over and H was horrified at what he'd done and full of remorse. I didn't set the bar high enough in terms of recovery. (I thought I had radical honesty 7 months after d-day, but I really didn't. More stuff came to light and let me tell you, it was even more painful the second time around than the first. Counseling with Steve is getting us where we need to go.)
When it comes time to do the hard work of recovering your M, you'll need a lot more than just remorse from your H. You'll need to see him do whatever it takes protect himself and to make you feel safe. If he gives you what you need, then the forgiveness part will come naturally.
For now, just focus on doing a great Plan A and snooping like crazy.
Bea
Me BW 48
FWH 49
D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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Hi Bea,
Maybe that was a little premature because you are right....he is not remorseful or sorry....he's still very mad at me. He came home almost 2 hours late tonight...then went straight to bed. I told him I had dinner ready, but he said he couldn't eat....acting real depressed.
I asked him where he was and all he would tell me was that he had business to take care of...I asked what business and he said, "he had to pick something up"....still keeping the truth from me. I'm going out of my mind and I'm sure I'm driving ya'll crazy. I was also wondering if something happened at school with the investigation??? He's very bumbed acting. I can't help but wonder where he is when he doesn't come home; it's making me crazy.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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higgs, please call that PI and ask him about the GPS!
Can you get the VAR and see whats on there?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What is D day? I keep seeing it, but wasn't sure what it stood for?
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 680
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Melody,
The PI is dragging his but now that he's been paid. He said that my name had to be on the title in order to put GPS on car. He never mentioned that before when we were actively trying to find my H. Now, it's illegal. Any ideas about that?
I can't get to car right now...he came straight in and the keys are with him. I'll have to wait till morning or tonight if he brings them out.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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higgs, D-Day means discovery day. Go check out the thread on the GPS phone. Jim says it can be done for $50.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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higgs,
You can get a key at any authorized dealership by using the VIN, but you have to be the registered owner. You cannot get one if you are not the "registered" owner. Your name does not have to be on the title - just the vehicle registration with the state.
(I have been a title clerk, and have extensive experience in automotives.)
The VIN carries all the vehicle information, and any dealership can call it up on the computer. There are actually very few keys made for any given car model. Each key is not unique - believe it or not! That would mean that manufacturers would have to make hundreds of thousands of unique keys, and they don't do that. Each model of vehicle has a specific number of unique keyprints and keycodes assigned. The cars are sent out of the factory, and as each is sent to this or that area of the country, the keyprint and code are selected based on a system that reduces the chance that two vehicles will be in the same place and time with the same keyprint and code. So your key will actually fit other cars - but the chance that you will find the others is REALLY SLIM.
But there is a chance!
Back to your regularly scheduled program, after this brief and ridiculous break of
"stupid stuff I have learned over the years in jobs I have had that are bizarre".
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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bad news....he found the VAR. I went to car and he had windows down...made me wonder? Then I looked under the seat...nothing. I then saw it laying on the floorboard of back seat. When I played it....there's nothing.
This may explain his depression and going straight to bed. Was this a major love buster? I've really screwed up. My husband doesn't fit all the molds and I'm sure there was something that tipped him or maybe he's being extra cautious now....not sure.
What now? I'll never know if he's being truthful or not.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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aw damn! I'm so sorry higgs! Where had you put it? Sorry I can't help. 
Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04
DD11
DD8
DS3
In a big ol mess...
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Higgs,
Right now you are doing the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You have no training and no experience. Luckily for you, you found this place and all the wisdom and support that goes with it. Keep reading as much as you can and post as much as you can about what you're doing. If something doesn't sound right, you can be sure someone will pipe up!
As far as the forgiveness thing goes, offering forgiveness where none has been earned will make you look weak and desperate. In Plan A you want to show the awesome wife that you will be if he comes back to the M. You want to show him your strength, confidence and self-respect.
If you haven't had a chance to read Scotland's thread about her Plan A experience, you should try to find the time (so easy, right?). She did an incredible job. She maintained her dignity while not tolerating the nasty A business from her WH.
Stay strong!
Bea
Me BW 48
FWH 49
D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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I just read about the discovery of the VAR. Is it possible that he knows about this site and is following along?
Me BW 48
FWH 49
D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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NO, I don't think he knows the site. He's just always been mr detective himself. I think he probably looks around for it. I've also been thinking that maybe it fell an slid back? I don't know. He hasn't said anything. It was laying under there. I've deleted all history everytime I leave here, so I would be surprised. I've certainly not said anything.
I'm just not good at this and I hope that I can just maintain my sanity
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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So do you think he didn't see it, and it just slid to the back?
Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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I put it under the seat, but the car gets hot and it probably fell. It just didn't record anything but about 5 seconds of the car. I wonder if when it fell, it turned it off. It was off when I found it.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 680
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I don't know...he's taken off again. He told me he was going to smoke a cigarette because he doesn't want to smoke in front of the kids. He also said that he was going through some tough s%^t and he's wondering whether he wants to go on. I'm wondering what he's thinking.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 680
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I guess i'm going to bed....I'm tired...sometimes I just want to forget it all and resign myself to losing.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 8,240
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Higgs-We all feel like that. That's your emotions. Just remember what you want to accomplish. Even if you don't save your marriage, you will know that you did EVERYTHING possible to save it. You will live with no regrets. No what ifs. That is why I started it. Now I continue because I believe that if I was to throw in the towel now, I should have just done that in the beginning and not gone through this. It also feels a lot better than it did before. I promise. It is worth it. Either way, it is the right thing to do. You can do this.
If at any point, you really choose not to do this anymore and you are truly DONE, we will support that decision as well. Just make sure it is not done on emotions alone.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I guess i'm going to bed....I'm tired...sometimes I just want to forget it all and resign myself to losing. Higgs! You have not lost! Not by a long shot. Lets stick to the plan. Keep focusing on doing the best plan A you can for now and start getting your ducks in a row for Plan B. Keep your chin up! I have much worse than this come back and make a full recovery. This is far, far from over!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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