"Dazed And Confused"

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
soul of a WW was created below.

You hurt and abuse tellin' all of your lies.
Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotize.
Sweet little baby, I don't know where you've been.
Gonna love you baby, here I come again.

Every day I work so hard, bringin' home my hard earned pay
Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
Don't know where you're goin', only know just where you've been,
Sweet little baby, I want you again.

Been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will.
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill?

bt

Just to get the whole truth out all at once, half-truths will prevent your and her recovery, otherwise 20 years from now details will continue to surface, people will continue to contact her etc.

Gamma

Gamma....at this point I don't know if I want to know about anything else that has happened. I have soooo much info already. I'm tired, confused, angry, hurt, depressed....I would like nothing better than to just disappear.....start a new life somewhere where nobody can find me. But I have three daughters to consider. And I am a product of divorce...my father pretty much disappeared from life from age 7 on. I can't do that to my daughters...I love them too much.

So...just got back from IC. Mentioned the exposure thing. He didn't agree...didn't see how it would help. I'm keeping that option in my back pocket for now (along with the emails). If I find her cheating again....BANG! Her family gets told, her friends, I'm gonna build a website and tell EVERYONE!!!...(lol...just kidding).

noooo! get a new counselor! you will regret not exposing this all to the light of day.

in times in the future when you have trouble dealing with triggers that remind you of your wife's infidelity. nobody will understand. they will just think you are moody.

you need to tell people so you can have their support and they can help your wife remain accountable. you and your daughters should not have to go thru this alone.

and you need to let your family know and let your wife be accountable for herself. to not do that, is not to respect her. she is a grown=up.

these are natural consequences for bad behaviors. please help her.

New councilor - check.

And here is my wife's idea of tending to my emotional needs.

Sunday morning...the kids are waking up at 7am....WW was out the night before with her girlfriends until 2am.

Wife (to me) - can you get up with the girls. I'll give you sex later if you do.

FYI - since discovery she has yet to initiate any intimacy/sexual contact between us.

*** Tender moments in the life of BT64 ***

Does anyone know any good therapists/councilors in Massachusetts...maybe someone who thinks along the lines of Harley?

BT

...WW was out the night before with her girlfriends until 2am.... Wife (to me) - can you get up with the girls. I'll give you sex later if you do

And you think she is not still cheating? I would drop in on her little gathering! Sounds like she is one drink away from a relapse. Get your relatives to baby sit for you next weekend after she leaves to go clubbing.

Did you consider the Harleys?

Gamma

I'm 100% sure she was out with neighborhood friends. Unless they are in on it too...and covering for her.

Now I'm starting to feel reaaaal paranoid.

And I can't afford the Harleys.

BT64,

I haven't read all of this thread but most of it. So forgive me if I ask you something that others have asked and you have already answered.

It occurs to me, that she needs to know why she would allow herself to act this way, even if she thought you had checked out of the marriage due to your depression. It also occurs to me that you might inquire how she would feel if her daughters acted as she has acted: reckless sex, multiple partners, and general lack of regard for their own safety and those around her.

I don't sense your W seeking to address herself or her reasons and if she does not, then all of this is for naught. She will not have learned anything. You say she wants to save the marriage, does she offer you reasons for why? Clearly, she was leading the "good" life on all of those sites acting like she was a "working professional".

I also understand that she has some serious issues beyong her most recent actions: overspending, abused as a child, abused as an adolescent. How is she planning on addressing these issues in a positive way so that she could be a decent mother to her children? She has not so far as she has put them, the marriage, you and clearly herself at risk.

In short, what is the plan? What is with the girls night out, if she is trying to rebuild this marriage or wants to save it?

You both need a plan and I mean a detailed plan. The Harley's are expensive, but not as expensive as divorce.

Please think about that.

JL

BT,

Does your wife have any empathy for you? How could she stay out till 2 in the morning, did she really think you could sleep knowing what she is capable of?

You really need to keep quiet and track her down next time, it might be a waste of money to get a MC if she is still affairing or wants to.

Gamma

WW's do not stay out drinking with friends till 2 AM. They are out doing an OM.

Expose the A and the drinking till 2 AM.

BT,

1. Please fire this counselor! He/she has NO IDEA about how to recover a marriage from infidelity/crisis and restore romantic love...most DON'T. Find a counselor who subscribes to MB principles. There�s a link here somewhere about it. Or call the Harleys and ASK for some options. Can you afford to phone counsel a little with them?

2. EXPOSE. EXPOSE. EXPOSE. (how many times do you have to be told this and why it�s so important???)

3. Chills went up my spine when I read about your WW out �partying with the girls until 2am�. She may very be cheating again. Yes, WWs find willing �allies� to conceal their cheating�mine certainly did, and �I�m having a drink with my girlfriend(s)� is a classic cover-story to a gullible, trusting BH. How do you know she was with these �friends� ONLY & ALL NIGHT? My then-WW did exactly this to me!

4. Even if she isn�t cheating, do you really think partying till 2am shows any sort of sincere repentance and respect for you & recovering your marriage??? At the very least, your WW doesn�t appear to be taking the gravity of her marriage-wrecking infidelity very seriously�

5. Get STD tested right away�you need to do this for YOU no matter what happens with your marriage from here forward.

6. #s 3 & 4 illustrate perfectly why you MUST DO # 2

yes, please expose.

Is this standard practice (per the Harleys) to expose...regardless of whether or not the spouse is actively cheating? I've been looking on this site...can't find anything. Does someone have a link regarding exposing the WS?


Thanks.

BT,

I think before you blow the lid off this sorry situation, you need to know everything that has occurred. Your wife needs to come completely clean, any secret she withholds from you will give her justification to cheat again. The lies no matter how small must END. So I�ll disagree with most of the posters here I think you need to finish you investigation before you expose, but exposure is a MUST.

I would guess she lies about financial matters too, how many drinks she had, how many pocket books she owns, etc, promises the kids to do things with them, she sounds like my father in law.

How are your children handling this, did you get a DNA test for your youngest?

Gamma

I know. I know. I know.

I'm depressed beyond words.

YES! They do

Dr Harley on Exposure

Email from Dr Harley re exposure

You said:

The victims of rape and the victims of infidelity have said the infidelity is worse.

Do you know this for fact? Is there anything on the internet regarding this? Links? Anyone else care to comment?

The reason I ask is my wife was raped and I'm the victim of her infidelity (see my post under BT64).

Thank you.