He might not be clued in that you you are reading his emails. If he thinks it is possible he will change his password....but you have been cool as a cucumber so far. I'm really impressed.

How do you feel Anne? I mean....in your mind is there enough evidence for YOU to KNOW he is a cheater and moral off? True you may not have enough evidence to prove it to a judge, (and I'm not sure you woud need that anyway), but you have plenty in my opinion to know this man is not what he presents himself to be to you.

Although I know that he is not the man I thought he was, I need to know more and find out exactly what is going on. I'm very afraid that if I confront without enough evidence, that I will let him talk his way out of it because I really don't want to believe what's been going on. He and his friends are such good liars that I need to be equipped with as much knowledge and evidence as possible. I could be my own worst enemy during a confrontation and I'm trying not to let that happen. Two of his friends have talked their way out of situations like this. I don't want that to happen to me.

I'm going to take MaritalBliss' advice and keep quiet. He won't say anything - he's a total ostrich about stuff like this. I'll just keep my cool and continue to snoop. It's frustrating though. I was so close to getting something from the conversations in the car. The fact that they have stopped does not bode well for me.

Can you hire a PI?

Not enough cash for a PI. Plus, he sees OW so rarely that it's going to be difficult, not to mention costly, to go that route. OW is in Florida right now so the planned golf date won't happen until the end of May (WH and Dirtbag were trying to set it up for this weekend but they didn't realize she wouldn't be around so they are going gambling, um, I mean GOLFING instead). WH is busy with family stuff for the next several weekends so it's going to be awhile before he sees her again. In the meantime, he is telling me lies but not about her. I wouldn't want to waste my confrontation on his lies with Dirtbag. It's a catch-22 for sure. I have made it this long, I can last another several weeks or as long as it takes. This is my future I'm talking about so I am willing to do whatever it takes.

Anne, what about a GPS in the car this weekend? That way, you'd definitely catch him in a lie about golfing vs gambling.

Anne,


I agree with your approach to be very patient. A lie about golf vs. gambling is not going to get you anywhere. He may have cheated in the past, he may do it again but it doesn't seem like there is a current adultery. How is SF between you two?? Has there been any changes lately?? Has there been any changes in his mood or temper? I forgot, what was the outcome from the strange email offering you photos of him cheating?

BigPicture is right. That is not the lie I want to catch him in. I already have sufficient proof of those lies. As for current adultery, it doesn't seem like there is anything right now. SF between us for the past year or so has been really good. It tapered off a bit when I got pregnant due to morning sickness but I can't help that. The fact remains that he was doing this during times when SF was very good and long before I got pregnant. He seems to be one of those types who knows he can get away with it so he does it. He seems to like his cake and eat it too. As for the outcome from the email, I never heard back from our emailer. I think they were just playing a joke. Although I know those pictures exist, it's unlikely I will ever get my hands on them. If I didn't know about the lies, I would have no clue that anything was going on. He acts perfectly normal. I'm starting to wonder if he's some kind of sociopath because he is so GOOD at the lies!

Good news though. It looks like he may not know about the VAR. Although today's conversations don't provide me with proof, I did catch some things on there that he would never say if he knew I was listening. So I'm fairly hopefull that I will eventually get what I need. It won't come from email because part of today's converstaion was him advising Dirtbag Friend not to say too much in email because they are never truly deleted and can always be retrieved. Interesting, huh? That explains the lack of emails between WH and ButterFace who is also a lawyer.

He and Dirtbag are going "golfing" Sunday morning unless it rains in which case they will "Just say we are going bowling." Which means they are planning to gamble. Which does me no good because I am not interested in catching him in a lie with Dirtbag. But I've waited this long, I can wait a lot longer.

Anne,
While you are waiting, there is the possiblity that your Dday may never come. Joyous news BUT in the meantime what about your Plan A. Or at least doing your best to meet his ENs, avoid LBers and have a great marriage? If Dday does come look at what he will have experienced and will be sorely missing come B or D!?! Are you in the marriage or just waiting?

Big Picture - those are the very questions I struggle with every day. I have enough information to know that I'm not in the type of marriage that I want to be in. I am holding out hope that I will get more proof which will result in a confrontation. Of course, I realize that it's possible that might not happen in which case, I will need to move forward with what I have.

As for Plan A, that was not going so well for the past few weeks. I have not been good at consistently working on Plan A. Part of that is my unhappiness with my current situation and part of it was my worry and sickness caused by my pregnancy. I had a CVS test a few weeks ago and was waiting for the results. Honestly, during that time period, Plan A was not a priority to me. Now that I have the results and they are normal, I am more clear headed. The nice thing is that WH chalks up all my behavior during this time to morning sickness and being worried about the test results. Since we have our results now and they are good, I go back to my focus on Plan A and the carrot part. He has a lot to lose and I want to remind him of that. I guess I am both in the marriage but also waiting. Not the easiest balance to strike but it's what I feel I need to do.

Interesting conversation just took place between us. He told me he wants to go gambling tomorrow morning with Dirtbag (not bowling or golfing as he had intended to tell me). Now, this might be another lie because they have been talking about going to a strip club lately but not too many places are open on a Sunday morning. I no longer trust anything he says so who knows why he is telling me this. Also, he still says he went golfing the last time they went out gambling a few weeks ago. I can check his frequent flyer card for the casino they are going to and that will tell me if he goes tomorrow. If there is no activity on it, I will know they went somewhere else. They always take Dirtbag's car when they go out so the VAR does me no good.

How's this for getting back to Plan A with focus on the carrot. Today we have our son's birthday party. Tonight, while we are relaxing, I am going to tell him that we are having a little girl (we have two boys). Now if that isn't a carrot, then I don't know what is! Wish me luck!!!

I don't know how you keep doing it....you are doing great though. Congrats on your baby girl....that is awesome.

I could never understand some of the lies my now Xh told me.

Thanks SmilingWoman. You are always so nice to me and I appreciate it. I'm just doing what I have to do. It won't always be like this.

Anything of interest over the weekend? Your story resonates with me....so similar to my own...I always look for your updates first thing.

SmilingWoman - You are so sweet to check in! As frustrating as it is, nothing is happening right now. In fact, he told me the truth about going gambling as well as some of the activities of Dirtbag with his women (there are currently two of them right now). He even took my car so I heard him and Dirtbag talking first hand and it was all about Dirtbag's cheating and nothing about WH. He even told Dirtbag he needs to stop doing this. I don't think he had any idea I had a VAR in my own car.

However, OW was out of town and is back now. I suspect he will get the itch to see her as he does every few months or so. I'm not letting my guard down.

In the meantime, he's making tons of plans for the future of our family. He was thrilled to hear we are having a girl and was talking about buying a new house, baby names, calling her his little angel, etc. I'd say I'm setting up quite a carrot for him in my Plan A which I have refocused on over the course of the last few days. I don't think this is a man who wants to lose his family.

Just curious...is it normal for WH to go through a "truth telling phase" like this?

I'd be careful with this, Anne. It sounds almost too good to be true. Think about this: so, he's telling Dirtbag he needs to change his errant ways, right? Wouldn't Dirtbag's response be something akin to "hey, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

OTOH, maybe he had a 'come to Jesus' moment somewhere and has decided that the role of unfaithful H didn't suit him. I'd like to think so, but still...just sayin'...

MaritalBliss - I am being careful and remaining viligant about snooping. OW is back in town now so he might get interested in seeing her soon. He and Dirtbag were trying to get her to go out with them a few weeks ago. Now that she's back, I suspect that will be back on.

As for Dirtbag not saying anything about WH's activity with OW, I'm not really surprised. Dirtbag is a VERY selfish person who only thinks of himself. When they are talking about his situation, he is not going to change the subject and talk about someone else - not even to prove a point. So, him not bringing up WH's activity is more of an indication that he wanted to keep the focus on himself.

I just find it odd that WH is telling me the truth about stuff that he lied to me about only a few weeks ago (gambling, Dirtbag's OW's). I was wondering if anyone else has had this experience. Is he going through a "honeymoon" phase? Is this something that even happens? Not sure what to think!

I'm going to jump off-subject for a sec, here, Anne. Just wanted to ask you: have you ever told your H that his social activities w/Butterface make you uncomfortable? That you would prefer that he socialize with her only when you're around? I can't remember - does he know that you are aware of her?

No, I haven't told him that. Since it's been his position that she's a potential client, there is really no reason I should be uncomfortable (since he has no clue I know at least part of what has taken place). He does know that I know about her and that he takes her out every few months. He says he does that so he can get business from her.

"Business" from her...

I don't know how you're doing this but I admire you. And you're doing it the way you feel is best.

Good on your revitalized plan A. Just watch your love bank...remember, you are important here!!!

Okay...just trying to work all the angles, here. I just see you sort of running in place, through no fault of your own, and I don't want you to make yourself crazy. The truth may be that your H likes a little different flavor every now and then and sees himself as entitled to it, as long as you don't know about it. That philosophy is being bolstered by a wingnut buddy and a potential 'client' with poor boundaries. It sounds like a recipe for craziness, Anne. It sounds like a lifetime gig for him. And it sounds like a lifetime of you always having to track an unrepentent H around.

I'm just wondering if you can approach this differently. If you can approach him and try to rewrite some rules that the two of you have. The main one being, of course, that he doesn't have one-on-one outings with female clients.

That may sound to him like it's coming out of left field. And he may well say that he 'has' to do that for his job. But truth be told, I know a lot of attorneys, and the ones I know don't "have" to take female clients out drinking. They don't "have" to meet clients alone. (And he really hasn't been meeting her alone, now, has he?)

You have been putting yourself through a great deal of stress with little to show for your efforts. He's good, I'll give him that. That's why I'm wondering if you can change this pattern?

Just a thought...

My WX did this. I think it is part of the desire to stop what he was doing. I think he told me things in order to be sort of accountable to me. I've even heard him tell friends that any time a woman hit on him he would come home and tell me about it to keep himself in check. And he OFTEN told me details about friends or workmates of his who were doing terrible things. I think he also did it to bolster his believablity as the faithful husband.

The fact is though that even if he IS sorry about what he has done (and thus trying to be honest with you now) he has still done it a he needs to come clean. I can't get past DBs comment to your WH 'are you going to F her again.' Again. He did he it---I feel sure.

I can't remember...is there anyway you can install a keylogger on his computer? Or does he even get on a computer at home? That is where I got my best intel.