I found out about my husbands A on 1/22/10. He had been talking to a married woman from work and they slept together one time. He had already ended contact before confessing. I don't at this time suspect that he has any contact still with her. His reasoning for getting involved was because he said he was leaving me after the holidays because he thought he was done with our marriage. So when the woman at work started to pursue him, it boosted his ego and made him feel good. He ended it after the first sexual contact because he realized that he really didn't want to leave at that point. He started counseling on his own for three sessions and then I was ask to join them. But, the counselor doesn't deal with the infidelity. So my question is how do I deal with, alot of the time when I look at him I just think about him touching someone else, having sex, etc. It keeps me from being able to be close with him sometimes I have to stop being loving with him because the thoughts and images take over.

I have read His Needs, Her Needs, Surviving an Affair but I feel like these thoughts and images are taking over. I do Love him but I feel like I'm going crazy. I still can't sleep. He works a job where he has various overtime so I never know when he's coming home and always wondering if he's going to stay faithful.

Does anyone else deal with this?

Does she still work with him?

Can you give us more info? How long did the A last, from first flirtation to the end? Why did he confess? How much info has he given you about their activities? Do they still work together? Did he really talk to you about leaving before the attraction to OW, or was that the excuse he used to justify the A? How long have you been married? Any kids?

Sorry - lots of questions! They're important, though, and they'll help us get a better sense of where you're at.


BTW, fw, welcome & sorry you're here. We'll help you.

Welcome and sorry you are here. There is much help offered here so hang on.

Good job on reading the books, that will help us A LOT when helping you.

You will need to answer these questions posed by others. There is going to be a lot of things that people will ask/tell you to do that will seem counter-intuitive. It's okay, we all felt that way, AT FIRST. Now it seems natural.

Have you exposed the affair? Do you have snooping measures in place? If they are still working together, the A is still ongoing and will be treated as such.

Do you have any questions about Plan A?

How do you know this? His word on this is not reliable, actually less than reliable.
If they still work at the same place, there is contact.

Has WH written a NC letter?
Has WH changed his cell phone #?
Does OW have a BH or boyfriend that you can verify NC with?
If they still work together, these three things mean squatt.

NC is the first step towards restoring your M, it's THAT important.

There is no reasoning for adultery, he will spew a lot of crap, don't listen to it.
WS's use the weaknesses in a M to justify their A.
Your WH's adultery was/is not your fault, it is his to own, 100%.

Your WH has said that his ego was boosted. This is a need for admiration which may have been lacking in your M.
This is a need that you can now meet, remember although this may have been lacking, it's still NOT AN EXCUSE for him
to seek this need elsewhere.

If this is so, he ended it, the chance of the A starting back up is too huge, if they still work together. So much hinges on NC.
I'm suspecting that there has been/is more contact than what you have been told, WS's lie through their teeth.

You are only a short 3 months out from d-day.
This is a long process, a hard hard road. It is possible to have a better M, an affair proof M using the tools of MB.
You will start to heal when your WH wants to recover the M and is willing to do what is necessary to help you feel safe from further hurt.
Have you exposed this A to your kids, your family, WS's family? You need support to get through this.

Until you can verify that this A has ended, don't tell your WH about this forum.

There are really good articles on this site too. Check out the ones on infidelity, and read other threads.
All of these feelings that you are having and not being able to sleep, ...... all normal and will fade away with time, just not any time soon.




Is this the same job or a different job?
WH needs to stay in constant touch with you about his daily activities, he needs to be transparent. No negotiations on that.

We've all felt like this. And it sucks.
Welcome to MB, I'm sorry that you are here.

FW, you've got work to do ....... expose this A.

FW, could you please add a signature line with some info about your situation.
ages, kids, how long married, d-day date, this way you won't have to answer these questions over and over and it helps posters to reply to you!

You are definately NOT alone. I just had a baby in Jan and then in Feb, I discovered he had an affair with several people. He had been texting meeting, and having sex with a local girl he met on craigslist. Then after busting him and pulling all the details out of him, I learned not only did he chat with several girls on the internet, but he also posted on craigslist that he wanted to have oral sex encounters with men, and did so 5 times. I am totally mortified. He said he never was unhappy with our marriage, he loves me so much, blah blah, blah. But said that he started watching porn, and beating off then said it was taking more and more kinky stuff to be able to get him excited. soon he started chatting, then meeting ect.. said he couldnt control his urges. We are in counseling both together and individually. I have made the choice to try to stay and work this out. I have a lot of issues to deal with since he not only did things with women but with men too, and while I was Pregnant. So I can tell you I too am having a horrible time feeling affectionate toward him. Hugging, kissing, ect... makes me want to cringe most times, and there are lots of times I cant even look at him without wanting to rip his face off. I dont make eye contact with him most of the time. He gets no affection, but he gives 110% to me now. He has picked up more of his share of housework, and dealing with the kids, but sometimes, it makes me even more angry to see him doing that since...thats what he should have been doing all along. I know our marriage wont go anywhere till I can stop the "lovebusting" but I just cant help it right now. I think because it is so new, and its just going to take time, but my question is when will we know if its comming back or if it is just time to hang it up. How long do we give ourselves to "deal" with these feelings. I am sooo sorry we are here. Its an awful thing to deal with, but I am finding some comfort in the fact that unfortuately I am not alone. I am thankful for the many people on here lending their opinions and advice to help me on this path I have been placed on. God bless you are in my prayers and not alone.

He meet her when she was working in a area at the factory he works in that she was temporarily assigned to and they began talking and flirting. I don't know the exact time period. She was moved away and didn't have anymore contact with him. Thats when after work she started coming and talking to him occasionally. Then things progressed to her car once a week if their overtime wasn't very much. This was over a month or so time. Then they planned on a 1/2 vacation day to be together which was the day they had sex. He planned this so it wouldn't show up on his check until after the holidays which was the time period he had said that he was leaving. No he did not tell me of his plans to leave. He said he knew it would ruin the holidays.

They work at the same factory but not in the same departments. There is thousands of people who work there. I only know her name. I looked for more information on facebook and in phone book but didn't find anything. She is married. She had no intentions of leaving her husband, so my husband said. The reason I don't think its still going on is he has no overtime after Christmas, so no time to she her. And then he was on first shift for 3 weeks in April, with no overtime. So still no time to talk or see her. He has no phone calls on the bill that I don't know. And on the weekends he is with my daughter and me. When he was talking to her he was covering it by working lots of overtime, but now I am watching it.

He confessed because I more of less pressured him because I knew something was up from the day he meet with her, then when the vacation time was on his check. But, he kept lying about it saying it was a mistake. He finally confessed, when I kept pressuring him. At that time he said after Christmas and New Years shut dowan she had came back to his group and he told her he couldn't live with what he had done and he didn't want to see her again. He has not sent her a letter or called because the only contact he has every had with her is through work because in the past he has texted different girls so I guess he decided to be sneaker this time. But the girls that he texted, are not this girl I called the numbers.

My mom and our daughter and one of my friends does know about his affair. But I have not told anyone else its so embarrassing. And I have not exposed it to his family they all had affairs so I really don't think they would care.

Thanks for the advice.

Well, Even though you dont think his family will care, I think you should still call him on it. Trust me, I know all about embarasing...remember, my husband had one sexual encounter with a woman, and FIVE oral encounters with MEN, so I know all about embarrasment. However, I feel that making them accountable to anyone they know definately makes a difference. Although, I chose to do the other way around, I made him tell his family, I told most of his friends about the affairs, but not the man thing, but I havent told my family, because the way I figure it, if we work this out, and we make it, we will need all the support we can get, and I know if my family knows what he did, they will never be supportive of us again. So I choose to not tell my family. Its hard, but its what I feel I must do. I dont want to deal with my family being bitter and untrusting of him all the time. You guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage, I think that if I let my hubby do all the making up and I didnt give a litte, we would get nowhere, thats where I am having the problem right now. I know eventually I will have to give him "some" trust, but right now, I cant give him anything, no affection,trust,nothing. God bless you , I hope you make it.

Well, we had counseling yesterday and he acted like everything was great then today he left. He said that he has been really trying but he isn't happy.

So I guess I am heading for divorce. He has agreed to hold off on filing until I find a job and get some health insurance. I really feel like he just wants to act like a teenager again, and run around with lots of different women. Because I have ask him why can't he make this realtionship work if he going to work at another relationship and he said that he doesn't plan on having ANY relationship.

This is because the affair never ended. It is very common that WS agree to have counseling to justify the affair. "See, even the counseling didn't help" - but the true reason behind failure is the continuation of the affair and lies.


You will get the divorce if you just wait there and hope your WH wakes up.

But you have at least a chance to save your marriage if you follow MB way. And this way starts by killing the affair by exposure.

You say you believe that the affair was ended - have you verified this? Based on how you have described your WH behaviour I'm 100% sure that the affair is still very active. You need to snoop!
Start here, it is full of useful information for revealing the truth.
Once you have proof, expose, starting from OWH!
Specific advice from dr Harley here.

Yep, I've heard that too. It is a LIE. Why do you believe your WH after he had lied to you so much already?

Boy this is my story, my husband said exactly what your husband is saying, same thing, woman he worked with.
There is still some kind of affair going on even if he says there isn't.
My husband told me he stopped the affair as well, and I did find out a couple of months later he was still emotionally connected to her....
After the news was out about his affair, it wasn't as much fun for either of them knowing that they were actually hurting others by their selfishness and the embarassment of their peers and business associates knowing....
I told him to go and be with the one he decided it was okay to hurt and leave me for.
I told him that I loved him but not while he was with her......
We did a separation agreement and all that was left was for him to go...
Well guess what when he could chose her and leave his family he didn't want to.....
Guess what the babble he was speaking about just being single and not really wanting a relationship just wasn't true....
You need to set him free, expose his affair to everyone that surrounds you and let him feel the brunt of what he has created....
Continue you to not love bust him in anyway and see what happens.....
Let him feel the consquences of his actions.
You can't make him stay, but you sure can show him what he will be leaving....
It's hard I know but you have to take your life back and if he doesn't want to live it with you then say good bye and move on......

Lived through it I found out in Nov/09.....
He has come out of his affair fog and now is thinking clearly again, some days are so good now, but still a work in progress, exposure first then fill his needs and don't worry about getting anything back at this point....
Then after a certain point you will go into the Plan B suggested here on this site, this is the only way to survive and affair.....

FW:

This line:


YOU respond to this by getting a Legal Seperation Agreement (LSA) clearly stating that your POSWH will pay you ALIMONY, CHILD SUPPPORT, HEALTH INSURANCE, MORTGAGE AND OTHER MAINTENANCE.

You can get a job when the D is final.

You can get HI when the D is final.

HE CAN PAY for these things, and KNOW that he is GOING to PAY from the ONSET.

Why allow him to WALK away from his responbilities?

Stop allowing an alien to chart your course.

If he wants OUT, this is what it is going to cost him. If he can't AFFORD that cost, then maybe he will reconsider his committment to the POSOW.

LG

YKES! If he told you that the A is over, and yet he is still unhappy with you.... I'm sorry to say but the A is still going on! I told my husband that the A was over, and guess what I said? I said the exact same words your husband said, that I was still unhappy. Meaning he is still in the A, the reason why WS is so unhappy while still in an A is because we want to justify what we are doing. We are literally self sabotaging our self, punishing us to be unhappy! I guarantee once you EXPOSE the A either threw FB or emails then it will kill it, and he will come to his senses. Yes he might be going to MC, reading books with you, letting you know that "I am trying so hard to fix this marriage" bla bla bla, but if he is still in contact with the OW all of those things you are trying to do to save your marriage, is for nothing!

Also contact the OWH immediately, do not WAIT! Once he knows that will also kill it.