Hi,
I am a newbie, I thought I was happily married, for almost 13 years, like most couples we have our ruff patches. She tells me she is no longer in love with me and has been this way for many years, she tells me she does not like the way I discipline the kids(we have never agreed since the first child was born), she tells me I am always telling her what to do or criticizing what she does (I don't agree with that I might give her 40 percent truth on that). So far it has been very amicable the separation, however I am afraid of getting taking to the cleaners.
WE have agreed on 50-50 split of everything (furniture, appliances, etc...), the custody will be split one week rotation. However where I am little concerned is for the house, I suggested that one of us keep the house to provide a secure environment for the kids. we figured out how much it costs to run the house and I could not afford it, however her Aunt could move in and subsidize the mortgage. I agreed to move out (she is helping to buy the furniture that is required for the kids in my apartment). We agreed that she will remain in the house for a year, at which point she will buy me out or we sell the house. (we are getting the house professionally evaluated first, and she will buy me out at the value from the evaluator. ie. if the house is 240000, we owe 130000, she owes me 55000 minus the 1/2 the Realtor's fees.)
Is there any chance I may get taken with the house? or anything else.
I live in Quebec, Canada.

Thank you,

Chris,
It sounds like you've given up. Did you try and get her to come to Marriage Builders? I'm looking into the weekend seminars. If I can convince my dh to do such a thing, I think we can work through our issues.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like maybe you could work on changing things first.

Chris,

You may have no desire to rebuild this marriage regardless of circumstances..... You really didn't say one way or the other??

I hate to say this..... but have you snooped to make sure she has not been having an affair??

Her lines sound like classic affair talk! (Dunno.. can you give more info)

She had suggested Marriage counseling, I had agreed at 110 percent, I dont want it to end, however she does not want to invest any more time into the issue. I was devastated 2 weeks ago when I got hit with this.
We were to go on vacation just the two of us, I was looking forward to this as I know I had not been the perfect husband( neither one of us have been unfaithful) but I took for granted the relationship and could have done more.

I thank you for the input, as her having an affair did cross my mind. After speaking to her and known her for the 13 + 1 years together she would have told me as we have never lied to one another(this has also caused a lot of grief, but made us stronger).
Please be advised the story is a lot longer, I gave the condensed version of the readers digest version.

Affairees lie. That's their MO.

As for the house, why would you need 2 split realtor fees if one of you is buying the other out. Just get it appraised, that way you only need 2 split the appraisal fee (a few hundred bucks). If you're worried about agreeing with the appraisal, get 3. One you hire, one she hires, and one recommended 2 you by an impartial 3rd party. But one should be sufficient.

-ol' 2long

Ditto...I was thinking "affair" too immediately after reading your post, Skrill2010 (what you said is VERY classic affair jargon). This is not to say your W is definitely having an A, it's just to say that you may want to seek into the possibility of one a little (or alot) deeper.

Is this marriage of yours something you WANT to even try and save? As TimeForPeace said above, it does sound as though you have already given up. Is giving up something you sincerely want to do or are you simply giving up because you feel it is "necessary" to do so? If you could fill us in some more on what it is you REALLY WANT from your marriage (as opposed to just what you feel you "have to do") it would be easier for us to give you some answers.

I am sorry that you have to be here but, at the same time, I am also glad you found us because you will find much insight here that will be of much help to you.

Anyway, if you could give us some more details about your situation that would be great (and no, you don't have to expose anything overly personal, so don't worry about that). For example, you said your W asked for a divorce only two weeks ago and yet, already, you are "splitting up your assets, making child custody plans, etc"; did you "see" this divorce coming or did your W just hit it on you "right out the blue?" After only two weeks of learning of a possible D, it seems awfully quick to be going through "all the motions" of actually making one happen already.

If you want to make your marriage work (or even if you don't), let us know, we might just be able to give you the advice you need to do so.

All the best to you!

ETA: Sorry if some of my post sounds like I didn't see your latest posts, Skrill, I guess you and I both submitted our posts at virtually the same time so I did not, indeed, see your latest posts until after I submitted mine.

Thanks for adding a little more info. :-)

You should get to snooping. This doesn't sound like it appears it does to me. Even if she were 'fed up' this is all too out of the ordinary and to have already came up with the 'split arrangement' after 13 years, it just isn't making sense.

I would bet she has someone in the wings. I hate to say this, but I had a similar occurance during my first marriage. 11 years, thought everything was fine. Then BOOM... "I want out!" Come to find out with a bit of snooping, she had 4 men going at the same time, NOT including me. She was a 37 year old 4th grade teacher with 2 children. So DON'T think it can't happen and DON'T think you KNOW HER. You DON'T KNOW HER because if you did, you wouldn't have been surprised at this and you would have been working to fulfill her Emotional Needs before this.

You DON'T know her... as I said, you wouldn't be here if you did. You THINK you know her, and you are working on that inaccurate assumption. Look hard and LOOK FAST! I get the feeling there is more to this... something she hasn't told you... or something you aren't telling us or perhaps yourself.

Hi TandC,

I don't want to give up on the marriage but what choices do I have, when she does not want to go to marriage counseling.
She told me the straw that broke the camels back was when our middle daughter was having a temper tantrum that was keeping my oldest and youngest daughters awake, she had been crying for over 2 hours getting louder and louder, when I tried to talk to her she would not listen, so I placed her in a time out on a chair on our back deck with her winter jacket boots, mittens and even a warm blanket. My wife said this was unacceptable, I told her I tried calling you multiple times but your cell phone was in a no service zone (we live in the country and the beauty salon is in a no service zone)so I out her outside where the only thing she will disturb is the wildlife, and she was only out the for 5 minutes by the time she got home. I told her whether you agree with what I did or not, I did not yell at her, I did not spank her, I placed her in a timeout on a chair outside where I can see her.
A Little History:
As I mentioned before we never agreed on how to discipline the children, I grew up in a house where you got spanked (a little excessive at times) and she grew up where you spoke to the child and tried to reason with the child. Myself I had adopted the you got 3 verbal warnings, count to 3 and then 1 smack on the bottom, as the children got older they listened and never went past the 3 verbal warnings.
For the she is having affair, I will need to disagree (I would prefer not to disclose why I am almost 98% certain).

She has set up an appointment with a mediator for the end of this month. I too think this is moving a little fast, I have never experienced a divorce.
A Little more History:
she had told me about 4 years ago that she was no longer in love with me, the spark was gone, it did not feel like the way it did when we first were together.
I explained that this is normal, that things change but we need to talk more (as we were not communicating unless we had an argument once every 2 months)once we started talking the arguments went down to once every 6 months, then we stopped talking again (this was a normal cycle in our relationship) We started marriage counseling, she did not like the counselor as she did not like what he was telling her. So we found another, went to one session and then it ended (this was a year ago).
Then about 4 months ago she said she wanted a divorce, we talked, she said she was going to contact a marriage counselor(never did), she then started telling me that she was looking forward to going down south on vacation with me, wanted to renovate the house, wanted to take trips with me, so I naturally thought we are moving forward in the relationship and the spark is coming back. The as I said she hit me 2 weeks ago with the divorce.

Skrill,

If your wife says the marriage is over, that doesn't mean you have to give up on it. Often the team that is losing as the game nears the end is able to pull out a win. By giving up you ensure the loss.

If your wife is not having an affair, she is at the very least in Withdrawal, that is, she is not interested in allowing you to meet her needs and simply doesn't care about what you might do or want to do.

Read this: Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? Follow the links to get the whole discussion.

The secret to winning her back is to make yourself the man she can't live without. Once she is in love with you again, she will want to work on the marriage because it will have value to her again. That means that you can't convince her to work on it, you have to demonstrate its value to her. You do this by becoming the husband she needs so that her marriage to you is something she is willing to work to fix.

Mark

More History:
Am I not saying, that I am an angel, I know it takes two to tango.
I realize things that I could of done better, things I could of said.
We I try talking to her about going for help, I get shut down and told this is over. Unless the man upstairs has got some tricks.
I have talked to my friends that haven known the relationship since day one. 2 of them have said they saw this coming, she lost a lot of weight, she found a full time job with the federal government, now that she has money and looks better she does not need you know more. and the 3rd friend it was his wife that said the same to me.
Am I blind? are they right? I am confused?

This program offers help to people in exactly that situation. Most couples who attend Marriage Builders Weekend have at least one reluctant spouse. Many turn into thriving marriages.

Markos

How do I approach her? if I so much as mention getting help, she tells me to get it through my head that it is over? I am open to the help however I don't think I can drag her (and I would literally have to do this at this point).

ok, I smell an affair here. Have you done any snooping to see who she is talking to? If she is having an affair, SHE WILL LIE. You need to rule this out before you go any further.

\


Bingo!!

Do this, AND snoop like a bloodhound to rule out an affair!

You don't approach her, at least not at first. You do what Mark1952 said: you use this program to become a husband that appeals to her.

You don't need to disclose anything you are not comfortable disclosing, Skrill, that's perfectly fine and entirely your choice. However, you say you are almost 98% certain your W is not having an A which, of course, leaves a 2% chance of uncertainty...is there anyway of your being certain 100%? I know a 2% chance sounds very minute but, after learning as much as I have here, that 2% might just still mean "something." Is it possible that your W may be involved strictly in an EA (an Emotional Affair, as opposed to a physical one)? When someone wants out of a marriage (and most especially when they ask for a D), it is more often than not that they do this after they ALREADY have something else (or someone else) to "take over of what they are giving up." Am I making sense to you? If not, please forgive me, I am in the midst of a migraine so my words may not be coming out quite right today.

Do you know what an EA (emotional affair) is? Is it possible someone else (maybe someone at her workplace or even someone online) is meeting your W's needs "emotionally?" In otherwords, meeting her emotional needs without any physical involvement? Not all affairs require the "physical act" itself to be considered an affair. If your W is spending her time getting her needs met, even if just emotionally, by someone other than you...this could mean she is involved in an EA. An EA may not sound near as bad as a PA (physical affair) but, truth be told, it really can be (and at times, often even worse). In addition, EA's can easily turn into PA's if a stop isn't put to them soon enough.

Until someone else (with more experience in this area than myself) chimes in, all I can tell you is to hold tight and keep doing your best to meet your W's needs for now. If she doesn't want to hear anything about getting help I wouldn't suggest pushing the issue further (just yet) or you might just push her further away. Concentrate on being a great H and focus on making her WANT to be around you; be pleasant, kind, helpful, etc and then, when things are a little more comfortable between the two of you, the "get help" subject will maybe be more approachable. Like I said earlier, though, I don't have enough experience in this "exact" area to give you the advice that some others will be able to so make sure to double-check this thread for updates (someone else will be along before long, I imagine).

Regardless of what you do, Skrill, please stick around here long enough to "learn the ropes" because you might be surprised at just how well they work. This place is AWESOME!!!

Very well said, Mark1952; reminds me of that old saying..."it ain't over until the fat lady sings!" (no offense intended for those with "more to love").

Can anyone tell you "for sure" that your marriage can be saved, Skrill? Well, no, there are no guarantees but, of what I can tell you, this is definitely the right place to be to give you the chance that it needs.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

(((hugs)))

Oh, looks like some of you have already "chimed in." Good grief, you folks are fast! :-)

The one thing nobody wants to hear but, sadly, one that must be considered. Hopefully your W doesn't fit into that 2% category I was referring to, Skrill, but, if I were you, I would rather play safe than sorry. I'm with the others here...get snooping!

My heart goes out to you but be assured that you are not alone.

I dont disagree with the other posters about her possibly having an affair, my question is "does it even matter"? If he snoops and finds evidence that points to an affair, will that change their situation? Will it improve his chances? I'm not challenging the other posters, as I'm a newbie here, it just seems like if her mind is made up and she already started divorce proceedings, then she really doesnt really want to be married anymore. What ever the original trigger was. Seems like its a lost cause, and any info he finds would be purely informational, maybe even hurtful. Sometimes a person may suspect something but rather not "know for sure". Not saying I agree with this but its been know to happen.