My H came home from his retreat, and we talked, and talked, and talked. He read my thread, and he was pretty upset, of course. He felt that since I was being so honest, he would tell me some things too. He told me some things that I didn't know about him, some things that have happened recently. I cried. <P>Bottom line: We both agreed that this IS NOT working. We don't want to get a divorce yet, because we are hoping that SOMEhow, we can find the love that was lost. So, we're going to separate.<P>We are leaving our rings on for now. But he will be moving out after the first of the month. I told him not to hurry because we don't want to suffer more than we have been. He feels the same way. Both of us wishes SO MUCH that we could love each other the way married people should, but we just don't anymore. <P>I'm sure you all will tell us not to do it, but you have to understand something. This pain has been going on since his affairs 12 yrs. ago. Honestly. I know how silly it sounds to have carried this pain around for 12 years, but that's the truth of it. He has felt it too. I never forgave him for so many reasons. I just couldn't. Some have asked, including my H, if my affair was in retaliation. As much as I'd like to believe that it wasn't, I guess if I'm honest, maybe, a bit. But mostly it was about how it made me feel. I have no desire to put myself in that position again. If I did, I would have done something over the weekend with that other guy (read my post "I'm back..."). I didn't only because it's wrong, and because he (the OM) had enough sense to see how vulnerable I was. It was a combination of both things. I certainly can't take full credit.<P>So, what does this mean? It means that I will still be here because I'm not divorced yet, and I still SOMEHOW want things to work with my H. I probably won't be posting so much, but will probably reply. My H has no desire to come here, but mostly because he sees this place as a painful one. He just can't bear the total honesty I dish out, even though he'd like to be able to. <P>I couldn't pretend that we're trying to work it out here at home. I am the worst liar, and we all know that total honesty is the key. So, my friends, I'm being very honest with you.<P>Pray for us... we NEED it!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 24, 1999).]

Being in my 6th separation, I can categorically state, "Separation is not the end of the marriage". It's not great either. Once you do it, even if you get back together, another separation is always an option. Use the time to work on you. <P>Love is not a feeling it is a choice, a decision, a commitment...most of all, love is an act of faith.<P>A good book for Christians & I think worthwhile for any separated is Hope for the Separated by Chapman (who also wrote the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES--terrific!)<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

New:<P>You stated: <P>"Both of us wishes SO MUCH that we could love each other the way married people should, but we just don't anymore" <P>As a book I read once read stated: "Love is a decision". If you two tried, the Love would come back in time.<P>Just a thought....I hope you two make it!!<P>GMC900<BR>

Sheryl, you know I've been pulling for you guys to make ever since I came here. I still am. I hope in my heart that this won't be the end for you.<P>However, only the two of you know the entirety of your situation and you must decide what's best for you. No matter what that decision is, I wish for you both all the best that life can bring.<P>I respect so much the effort that you have put into this marriage. I also respect your integrity as a person. I hope you are still here to help us along. I could always use your insight and wisdom. And, if we can be of help to you, I hope you'll let us.<P>Don't give up on anything. Especially yourselves. It ain't over 'til it's over. I hope you two will continue to work on appreciating and loving each other, even after the separation.<P>Lori

lor, gmc, and Lori,<P>I know it ain't over till it's over... of that you can be sure. And I am fully aware of the concept that love is a choice. I believe it too. But emotion is not a choice. I LOVE my H, and he LOVES me, I assure you. We just don't FEEL anything. Over-rated, you'll say. Maybe. But all we know is this: THIS HURTS LIKE HELL AND WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. It's been years of pain. <P>I will say this though: I feel relieved somehow. My H and I have been in SO MUCH pain for SO LONG that I almost don't know which way is up at all. I have watched my H become a totally different person, as he has watched me. Both of us recently turned 40, and we both agree that we don't want to spend the next 40 years (God willing) like the first 40. <P>I was serious when I said to pray for us. Pray that the emotion will return then, because we need that. We're both very passionate people, and we love to feel that 'feeling' of being "in love". We need that.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 24, 1999).]

Sometimes we get it all wrong....<P>We think that God will not allow problems to come our way more than we can handle, but it is TEMPTATION that he will give us a way out of, not necessarily problems.<P>Rebuke that temptation of ANY other man that is not your husband, out loud if need be IN THE NAME OF JESUS, and keep on doing it and it will flee.<P>And God can restore your "in love" feelings for your marriage, so an "S" word is better than a "D" word.<P>I know you love your husband, and I know he loves you. You have hit a very low place in this marriage, probably even lower than the discovery of your infidelity.<P>I think that although you both are showing a commitment in the honesty department, there is still a lack of commitment to emotional needs and protecting your marriage from lovebusters.<P>And I KNOW that you aren't finding 15 hours a week to spend with each other, leaving you both with unmet emotional needs.<P>I will continue to pray for you both, and for your marriage.<P>PS, I know God can do miraculous things, so put your faith and hope in HIM first. <P>God Bless<BR>TNT

TNT,<P>Oh yeah, I agree. God can, and does, work miracles. True enough!<P>The 15 hr. part - my H WILL NOT give me 15 hours - period. It will NOT happen. <P>So, yes, the S word is better than the D word. And believe me, I asked him before I posted this. I wanted to make sure it's what HE wants too. He does. He told me something that kind of cinched it today. I'm not angry with him, or frankly very hurt. It just showed me that he is as hurt and confused as I am.<P>There's not anything that can't be overcome with God's help. We both know this. And YES, YES, YES, we're lower than even the point of discovery. But it's almost as if we both feel a weird kind of relief. It's been a very long struggle, long before I had my affair, and possibly long before he had his. <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>I'm praying for you. It must be a very difficult time for the both of you.<P>Put your hands and hearts in God's care... No matter whether you S or D or stay together.<P>Much, much good wishes and His Love to guide you.<P>Jim

Thanks Jim,<P>I guess I've almost run out of things to say... it all feels a bit futile these days.<P>Again, thanks for your wishes!!<P>And things are already in God's hands, whether we want it or not - oh, and I do want it. I think God is bigger than all this crap.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi sheryl.<BR> I'm probably the least expected person to say this, but I wonder if maybe after all you guys tried, this won't be the way to each one of you to forgive each other and yourselves, and to start fresh.<BR>I know how hard you both have been trying and that both of you really wanted it to work. It was just not working that way. There was something missing.And it had nothing to do with the om.<BR>Maybe this "s" word might help both of you to find the best way and the missing piece.<P>I'm hopefull that it will be so <P>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

You're right Kat, I didn't expect that from you, but I think you're right. It hurts like hell, honestly, but also a little freeing too. Does that make sense? <P>I feel like a fool. I told my mom tonight and she said something like "we (meaning my mom and dad) really thought this would happen"... thing is, they DID, and they didn't do anything to help us. I'm not saying they should have gone out of their way or anything, but some encouraging words might have been nice. So, we've got my H's mother calling worried all the time, his brothers and sister totally ignoring us, my family trying to be accepting, but pretending all this doesn't exist, and me and my H just trying to get by without turning into puddles of tears. <P>But again, I agree that this seems the only viable choice right now. I hope we are one of those couples who run back into each other's arms, like in the movies (that aren't about adultery ). Had to add a little funny there, because as we all know, most of the movies are about adultery!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Oh sheryl I like the ending part. The one about you guys running to each others arms.<P>Actually that was the first thing that came to my mind after I read your post.<BR>And you know me, I usually push on working from the inside. But I'm also quite practical and if something is not working the way it should, it's a great idea to find other ways that might work better.<BR>You guys have been trying so hard! It came to mind after I read your post. Maybe this would make you realize that what you want is to be with each other, and all the rest is not really that important.<P>I can visualize that, can't you <BR>I know that's how it's going to happen. <P>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

HOPE is not dead, Kat <P>Goodnight, dear friend!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Oh NB -<P>I'm sorry that you are both feeling so beaten down with the weight of all this.<P>I am going to be an optimist here and say that perhaps this separation is going to prove to be the very thing needed to get the heavy "rock" of pressure off your backs.<P>You have both lived with all sorts of pressures, tensions, neglects and resentments for a long time!!! There was no relief and some is way overdue!!<P>The things that you have both tried so far, have not worked. So, I must agree that it is time for a change.<P>I feel that this separation could/should be a time for both of you to take a step back, a deep breath and a good long look at the entire situation. Sometimes we can't see the whole picture when we're painting it....only when we step back to view it in it's entirety do we see all the beauty and the detail!!<P>My prayers are with you both and ANYTHING can be overcome and renewed with faith, determination, love and care for one another.<P>I still think that a big part of your problems stem from lack of playtime!!!<P>I hope that you both will take some time to discover how to "play" again!!! And you know that I mean "together" and not with others.<P>BIG HUGS AND STRENGTH to you both,<P>Sheba

Good night to you too, sheryl<P>you know something else that came to mind. Maybe from here to the first of the month... nah... forget it. Let's just wait and see...<P>By the way, great advice to arf. It seems that he needed it.<BR>It's good to see that you're still focused as always <P>Hugs<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Thanks Sheba,<P>I also had a icky thing just happen. My daughter and her boyfriend got stuck and they couldn't get ahold of us because I was hanging out here. They had to walk three miles and she's wearing platform sandles, her feet have blisters, and they all want to kill me. We only have one phone line (like most folks) but everyone is angry with me about this. <P>I can't even just use this place as a solice... plus, I feel like I'm last in line. Everyone else uses this computer, but at night, when I need it most, I hang out here. Oh well... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

NB -<P>Don't heap more on yourself...You didn't intentionally tie up the phone knowing that she would call...<P>Things like this happen...<P>They'll get over it and maybe getting total phone would make a nice Christmas gift from your Daughter!!!<P>There you go....problem solved!!!<P>Hang in there NB, life will get better and you will not feel so weighed down and sad forever.<P>We're here for you..<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheryl,<BR> Well.... Although I really don't know you ,I care about you like MOST people here. It hurts to see you try so hard and not see the results you want. God knows you've tried!! <P> If this will take some pressure off you both then maybe NOT trying will be the answer. <P> I know from being in competitive sports most of my life that when you spend too much time trying, whether it's trying to WIN or trying NOT to lose, you are rarely successful.<BR> All the prayers, encouragement, posts, crying, helping and probably feeling like your Marriage is an insect under a microscope!! May be too much. <BR> Maybe (and I say this at the expense of the rest of us who appreciate your wisdom and honesty SOOO much) you should take some time away from here too. <P> It seems to bother your H and may be one of the things that brings out the EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE feeling you mentioned.<BR> Take a hot bath, read a book (about ANYTHING but this), see a movie WHATEVER. Take a mental holiday from HIM, YOU, GUILT, TRUST, TRYING , CRYING, PRAYING (about this), and US and as impossible as I know it is, REALLY try and FORGET about ALL of it.<BR> <BR>Do it for a minute, an hour, a day, two days. Just push it out of your mind and heart anyway you can.<BR> Maybe then, God will take over and you both will see the miracle you are praying for. He may have been waiting to take over all along.<BR> Just a thought... FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and just tell you one thing. Take it from it's coming from.<P>I'm having a real hard time with that "in love feeling" and been discussing that with my counselor. She told me that everyone falls out of love with their spouse, it's the normal progression. What is left is that love you feel for the person for what he/she is. You love what that person is to you and base it on your past experience, your memories and the foundation that brought you together. <P>I'm having a hard time with it since my foundation was always screwed up. <P>I know it's hard to always give unconditionally, but I've also been told that love is unconditional, so it can endure an aweful lot. <P>I'm praying for you.

New Beginning-- My husband and I are where you are. We were both so tired that separation was the only answer. He isn't any happier apart than together. That tells me I'm not the entire problem. We need to learn to "play" again. We need to sort some things out. We spend weekends together, but he's transferring to another city. That hurts, but I'll do my part to make it work until we reach a mutual decision. You're not alone. Hope things work out or you guys.