This is my first post here and recently, I am just devastated. My wife and I have been together for 12 years now (dated for 5, married for 7). We got along fabulously during dating. In my opinion, we got along great during most of our marriage as well. We also have a wonderful 2 year old daughter together.

I'll timeline this. For the first year of our daughters life, she complained that I did not put her and our daughter first - my parents, etc. came first..so I made the necessary changes and put their needs and schedules first. The second year, we started having many arguments and I don't like to argue, so I would lash out, ignore, walk-away, say hurtful things...and she did not like that. I tried to work on that as I could and felt I was making progress. However, during this second year, she was distant and cold towards me (I am needy so I strive for much attention I am learning now). Last week (10 days ago now), I got it out of her that she was not happy. She said she tried to tell me, but I did not hear it. She said she has been numb for a year now. This was a shock to me.

I started reading and reading to learn what was going on - I never thought a split would be an option. Yes, we had our issues, but I never imagined this.

As I read some sites, I started learning. Joel Osteen's book, this site, Ed Turtle's site...all of this made sense to me. I had been treating her badly and it hurt her. I realized this and told her that I realized all I had done and vowed to change...and I mean it. She said 'too late' unfortunately as she has already 'checked out.'

For two days, I begged and groveled and pleaded my case (therefore pushing her away even more). Then she said she did not want to talk about it anymore as every discussion we have had since then stressses her out.

I spoke to a counselor today and when I told her what I learned, she was angry. She said she has been telling me this stuff all along. Her sister says as long as there is still anger, there is hope as it is not apathy.

Her 'trigger' is that I understand. Anytime I say that, it drives her MAD. She is so upset that I just now figured things out. I realize I am late, but I do understand. Everyday has been a learning experience for me and I love learning. I foresee a great love in the future.

However, I don't know how to get her on board. She only can remember the negatives from our relationship. Does not want couples therapy because her mind is already made up. I don't want to lose this...my family..my daughter. I KNOW we can work this through. I didn't lose her in a day and I know I cannot regain her in a day either...but I just want a chance. I am giving her space now...we are living in the same house yet she does not wear her ring nor sleep in the same bed as me. I know she is hurt and her defenses are at an all time high...but do I have any chances here?

I know she has looked into divorce as she feels that is the best option. I asked her why she did not 'go through with it' (nicely) and she said she wanted to hear 'my take.' I see that as a sign, but maybe I am just reaching.

I feel I have lost my best friend, companion and wife in one single swoop. She feels better when she is away (she's visited friends for 3 days since then). I understand our problems, but I think we can work through them. She doesn't. What do I do? Thanks for any advice here....I never thought I'd end up divorced. I realize step one is to change and she needs to see that as she does not believe anything I say about my changes...I understand this. Do I have time or is this a dead-end road?

Welcome to MB...

Who is she having an affair with???

Mr. W

Of course that has crossed my mind. I don't want to think that a physical affair could be happening..emotional maybe. But I have asked, she has denied so at this time, I can't go through that angle. I hope that is not the case.....but understand.

I'm sorry, but you need to hire a PI and find out who it is. Then come back here and we can help you save your marriage.

Sorry you are here.

If you want to save your marriage, the angle needs to be that you find out the truth. We can help you save your marriage if you get the truth. But if you don't find out, there is not much hope here.

Um...

You can't "ask her"...because she won't EVER tell you.

You've got to lay low and SNOOP the answer to the question.

Do you have access to her cell phone bill???

Who did she visit for 3 days and if you say "girlfriend" how do you know that's where she ACTUALLY was? (girlfriends LIE and cover for their friends)

What about her cell phone...is it glued to her? Do you have access to it? Can you get it while she is sleeping and review her text messages (which she's likely deleted).

Might be time for a voice activated digital voice recorder to either hide in the house or her car (or two recorders one for each place).

You MUST get the evidence...even if you think you know who it is...gather evidence first so you can confront her KNOWING as much as you can (because they will try to go underground immediately thereafter).

So who do you suspect????

Mr. W

p.s. - DON'T bring your wife here or let her know you are posting

I've checked email (only one that I know of) and facebook. All clear.

Two of the days she visited her best friend and their family with our daughter. Brought back pics of our baby with them so with drive times, etc...I believe that.

One of the days, was another friend. No proof there. Just hope.

Geez, this is not getting any easier. Why the cheating angle? She was fine when I did not know that I was doing wrong. What happened when I started to fix things and admitted and realized my mistakes?

You haven't given us much YET...but the sleeping separate, not wearing her ring, "it's too late", the rewriting of history (remembering and listing EVERYTHING negative about you when you don't sound like you were actually that bad), the feeling better when she's away and having "visited 3 friends" recently...

ALL TOGETHER...STRONGLY INDICATE AN AFFAIR.

She's manipulating you.

She's rewritting history and trying to make it appear to HERSELF (and you) that the marriage is and, more importantly, WAS over...thus, deluding herself that her affair is OK.

You must bust her and OM with undeniable documented evidence otherwise she'll just deny it to you and anyone else that will listen to her henceforth (including your children one day).

Mr. W

Of course...I/we could be wrong. It's VERY rare that we are here on MB, but USUALLY women do what your wife is doing when they have someone else on the line to unfavorable compare you with.

Their "feelings" for the OM...necessitate negative feelings for you.

Which is why we are telling you to SNOOP and get yourself AND us more information.

Mr. W

Makes sense but now I am even more stressed.

I was not that bad, but I was not that good either. My 'words' were misconstrued (don't want baby growing to be like you' when she was stressed out one night and venting to me). Did not mean it like that, but she is remembering it. Me wanting to change her (smile more, fix hair, etc). Not understanding when my parents would drive her crazy (although I did try, I could not and cannot change my parents).

This has all the classic signs of an affair. A desire to be apart, to separate, the rewriting of history. When a spouse is unhappy, they strive to turn it around. But when a spouse is having an affair, they don't bother. Rather they reject any serious attempts to repair the marriage. Some will go to a few sessions so they can say "they tried."

What about the cell phone bill?

Wayward wives typically run up HUGE cell phone bills and numerous text messages.

Could she have a secret cell phone?

Does she work??? What about a work "friend".

Shooting off the hip here...she visited her best friend for a couple days with your daughter. Did she checkout for a few hours without anyone? Cell phone bill may even help you there as you'll usually see a barrage of calls to the suspected OM's number, then NOTHING for awhile. What about the best friends husband or boyfriend? As I said before, SOME girlfriends are perfectly willing to cover for their best friends while they go out and have an affair. My wife's former best friend was more than willing to pass along messages and help out any way possible. Her showing you "pictures" and taking your daughter could just be a cover story. Maybe try to innocently ask your daughter but, be careful not to send up warnings that you are snooping just yet. By playing dumb...you're more likely to find the smoking gun.

W

igrip, The best thing to do is start snooping and rule it out. We could be dead wrong! But this has all the earmarks of an affair.

You can hire a PI or you can do it yourself via the following resources:

cellphone: flexispy.com
computer: eblaster that is sold on spectorpro.com
voice activated recorder at Radio Shack
GPS unit here: here

Again..

IF she is having an affair...who would you suspect???

Think...

Number one suspects:

Old boyfriends
Work Colleague
Internet affair

If you are still drawing a blank...

What does she do with her time and what has she been doing with her time lately that's different???

What about her recent spending habits???

Has she been acting more and more like a teenager? Spending money on new clothes, her hair, nails, etc.

Mr. W

Before we go any further...

one thing I want to BURN into your head.

No matter what...NEVER...

I MEAN NEVER...

VOLUNTARILY MOVE OUT.

Quickest way to lose complete custody of your children.

w

Igrip,

Your post caught my eye because your W is behaving EXACTLY as mine did back when�.as I�m sure many others� did as well here. These things are PATTERNS.

When a wife is annoyed that you are trying to fix issues and improve your relationship, gets angry �because it is too late�, says �I have been telling you this all along�, resists getting �closer�, talks about divorce, and finds ways to avoid being home, it is usually BECAUSE SHE�S HAVING AN AFFAIR.

I�m not saying that you haven�t hurt her or made mistakes (like all BHs, myself included). I�m not saying that she doesn�t have some understandable discontents and complaints. I�m not saying that �change and improvement� on your part aren�t important and desirable. But�.

YOU CAN�T FIX OR DEAL WITH MARITAL ISSUES IF/WHILE THERE IS AN AFFAIR GOING ON. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE UNTIL THE AFFAIR IS OVER. SO, FIRST FIND OUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR�BECAUSE IT SOUNDS VERY LIKE LY THAT SHE HAS SOME OM GIVING HER ATTENTION/VALIDATION ON THE SIDE AND FEELS SELF-ENTITLED IN BETRAYAL OF HER MARRIAGE.

He signed out (his smiley face is off)

...I hope he's investigating

Good night

I've investigated and everyone is right. There IS something going on. I've copied all the emails. Now what. This is bad for me...scary. Please respond. And I know the guy.

(((igrip))) I'm so sorry.

Click on Notify and ask the Mods to move this thread to SAA, the people over there can give you a PLAN to recover this marriage. It CAN be done and YOU CAN DO IT!

Now, understand, these plans may seem counter-intuitive and will be HARD but they are based on YEARS of experience at doing just what you need.

The keys will be:
Plan A / Plan B
Exposure
DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!

I'll see if I can find links.

So sorry this is happening, but this is THE place that will help you the most.

Stay strong.