If he is serious about wanting to recover, he will do this with you. This is really your only hope, IMHO.

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Advice for a BW who's WH does not want counseling?????

After DD1 (9/17/2009), WH and I began marriage counseling and lasted until November of that year. It was pretty disasterous. WH and I were having a discussion last night and I was trying to stress the importance of us going to counseling but not without POJA. WH stated that, "We already went to counseling and it didn't work". I dutifully reminded him that the reason it didn't work was because (unbenknownst to me at the time) his A with OW was going on as hot as ever!

Affairs ruin so many lives and I have been so damaged by this that I don't know of any other way to salvage this marriage but to try counseling again (we have each been seeing our own therapists). Meanwhile, WH just seems to want to brush everything under the rug. He gets angry with me when I question him (like check up on him) which I do NOT do all the time - that is NOT an everyday occurrance. Nonetheless, he feels like I am treating him as "guilty until proven innocent" and he made it clear that he is not going for that. He does not like "being checked up on". So many times in the last 1/2 year despite my pain, I put my trust in him not knowing that he was still carrying on with OW and now that he seems ready to work on things I'm just supposed to take everything he says and does at face value and question nothing?

We have been through plan A and plan B - we are trying to reconcile but there definitely is not a POJA between us. I have referred him to this site on several occasions but I don't think he really reads anything.

I don't know what else to do...?

If you are serious about the R of your M, sit down and write out your own requirements that he must do in order for you to consider R. This is no longer his decision. He decided to have an A. He did not consult you. You decide whether or not you are willing to stay in the M and attempt R.

After false recoveries, I would set the bar very high. Give him something to work for and you will know right away if he is willing to work for your M and to win you back. That may save you the pain of more FR. Counseling with the Harleys should definately be on that list and total transparency is a must. He has no right to object if you check on him hourly. He created this lack of trust and he must now earn it back.

God's Blessings,

Say

YOU DO NOT POJA REQUIREMENTS FOR RECOVERY!!!!

Hi all-

I moved out at the end of February 2010. My H wasn't happy about my leaving at first but then his therapist told him that us living apart for a few months might not be such a bad idea, so H reluctantly agreed. H and I had talked about my staying out for 3 months and then seeing where we are at that time. The end of the three months is just a few weeks away. During this time we have had a false recovery and are currently working on another reconciliation. Right now we are working on communicating according to MB principles (at my persistence) and possibly getting counseling. We tried marriage counseling last fall (for about 2 months) just after DDay and it was just a bad experience. I think both of us are leery about marriage counseling again, but we'll see. We are both at least seeing our own counselors.

I think it is about time to discuss the possibility of my moving back home but I have to admit that I'm quite scared! I must maintain my own boundaries but after 8 months of limbo, this marriage has to sink or swim. We are both teachers and I think this summer is a good opportunity for us to begin reconnecting and rebuilding.

The part of me that is afraid is scared that he will say he is not ready to live together again. If that is the case, then that tells me that he is still figuring things out or is still going through withdrawal? This would also totally negate everything he told me several weeks ago when we decided to reconcile because he said he wants to be with me, etc. etc. Maybe I'm leaving out a lot but I could very easily right a novel here! I just don't know what to do if he states he's not ready? The main point here being that over the last 2 1/2 months, I've become very comfortable in my new dwelling and semi-independent lifestyle and the longer I must wait for him (if he's not ready), the less likely I am to come home even if he changes his mind down the road because I am slowly drifting away. I want the marriage to work but it might be coming to a point of no return for me.

Any words of encouragement or advice?