sex addiction escalates beyond attraction, people.

It, just like drug addiction or alcohol is about the effect - the next high. Testing the risks, and the boundaries does not require a same sex attraction. I've seen hetero men who are addicts slip off the edge of these boundaries, then start questioning their sexuality.

One that I knew became convinced he was gay. He had bought into the rabid frenzy that society has swung to that you don't choose to be gay. And he believed it. He absolutely hated me pointing out that if he was truly gay, he would have stayed in San Fran where he could easily have a healthy relationship, but instead moved to a private university owned by a church that had a strict code of honor where such a relationship would be impossible to openly cultivate.

Believe me - it's about the rush of the risk of getting caught that enhances the high. It's not about the gender for sex addicts!

Just a gentle reminder to NaveG and NaveW to not post on each others threads.

It is also best if info from each thread is not bought over by other posters as well.

BTDT and it wasn't pleasant.

KaylaAndy, Thank you for that, I agree and so does my therapist...

Lildoggie, BTDT????? And I will pass on to her, but she is just adding to validate my story and give her side mas well, but thanks anyway.

BTDT-been there, done that

AH got it, thanks

I will have to second KA's statement.

So far, he hasn't stated that he has given, only received, and the $$$ statement makes sense too.

Schoolbus as always was insightful......

NG: you have best helping you here, keep doing what you need to be doing, and you WILL recover yourself, your M may follow.

LG

Navy Guy

I will post back to you - using your own words. It is kind of my "style" if you will. My analysis of what YOU SAY ABOUT YOURSELF - in red.

I see what you are getting at, but really I am not attracted to men, the mear thought of it repulses me. I want you to consider that the mere thought of the act of man-to-man sex excites you. The issue that "repulses" you is that YOU ARE EXCITED BY IT. Consider, yet again - you sought out male-to-male action. If the next statement is true ("a mouth is a mouth", then being REPULSED would have carried through completely. You would not have sought out a male mouth. You did, however, and therefore your argument in this paragraph simply does not hold water. You are, simply are, attracted to men. I know what I did is a form of attraction but all I did was think of it as "a mouth is a mouth".....I guess thats how I was able to do it.

The sex in my M was there and was great I just lied to the OW and others I chatted with that I didn't get it so I could justify it to myself of what I was doing. This statement - 100% truth. You lied to get sex. You lied to a FEMALE to get sex. Now, let's see.....would it not have been just as efficient to do this and eliminate the male-to-male issue? Only you didn't. Because the excitement and danger and all of that....was NOT THE SAME. There is an attraction to the wild side that you enjoyed. It fulfilled an emotional need - and you chose men for that need.

Look at that carefully, and come to understand it.

If you do not, your marriage and your psyche will not heal. I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with your sexuality. I am saying that you must come to UNDERSTAND it.

I know what you mean about the OW, I did keep her around incase I ever got up the never again that I would. But the other reason I kept txting her was because she did not judge me about my dark side of my sex wants Interesting comments, here. Do you see how your own inner thoughts color this activity with men? You yourself describe it as a "dark side" - which tells me that you do not understand it. That, navy guy, should indicate to you that the comment of "a mouth is a mouth" really is not the case for you, because there IS something deeper. (I could and should point you in the direction, but that is for you to come to understand about yourself. You will find it in your work with the pornography counseling you need.) Also, you worry about being judged - you say this yourself. OW didn't judge you about the men........nor do I. I understand your behavior - you don't ...... yet..... you will ..... after your work is done. Do the work. ....but I see what you are saying about it all.

You are concerned that when I use the words "attracted to men" that I am saying you are homosexual. Consider that there are other ways and other reasons to be attracted to men. You likely fall into that category. Look for answers there.

Do. The. Work.

I will take it all onboard as food for thought, thanks.

SB, thanks again for the incite.

See this all started with me looking at porn online to masturbate, well the more I did the more I wanted it and eventually needed it to be kinky and taboo for me to get off. That eventually led me to chatting online with people and caming and masturbating on there with others. Then I ended up going on craigslist and adult friend finder to see what was out there. At first it started as chatting online about sex and different experiences to get off to then went to meetings to see what it would be like.

I think that I needed it to be dangerous, kinky, taboo, and dirty for me to get the excitement to be able to get off.

One of the things that led me to all of this is that I have be diagnosed with depression. Instead of choosing drugs or alcohol I chose sex to fill the void to make me feel better.

I believe that is what drove me to do what I did with the men, just like drug addicts need stronger drugs to get high; I needed kinkier/taboo sex to satisfy myself.

Since I have been diagnosed I have been on medication and I have not had the urge or desire to do anything I use to. I use to just come home get in bed, get on the computer or sleep cause that all I felt like doing. I know it was wrong and since I have been on the meds I now am way more involved with the family. I do a ton of the house work and all the yard work now. I am also more involved with the kids and eager to do it. I really enjoy doing everything now.

I am sure I will hear a bunch about what I just said, but it is how I feel. Thanks again all.

Ok..... so how can you tell when you are lieing to yourself?

I know that sounds stupid, but my wife has told me numerous times that I am lieing to myself to hide.

So how do I know if it is a lie if it is the way I am feeling? I know everything that I have done is wrong on so many levels, and the betrayal is beyond wrong, but when I say that I had no real feelings for the OW, I don't feel like I am trying to hide from my shame. I am exetremely shameful of what I did with her and don't feel I am hiding from it. I am just trying to figure out what is wrong with me so I can move forward with my wonderful W. One of the discussions that my W and I have had is about how I felt about the OW. She swears that I had feelings for her and I came back with, "I refuse to believe that I felt anything for her other than being a friend." Looking at that now I know it sounds stupid, but I still don't feel that I had feelings for her. Obviously there is something there for me to have done what I did but I am not in love with the OW. I guess I am rationalizing it as not having feelings because I was not in love with her. So am I lieing to myself or what?????

Now to the man thing. This one I carry SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much shame and disgust that it is not funny. I know that I went looking for it and enjoyed doing it, giving and receiving and it NEVER went past oral, but trully felt disgusted after it was over with. I don't think it was anything else more than me just wanting the taboo/exetreme to get off. I never had a desire to want to do anything other than oral, I had been asked and strongly oppossed to anything other than that. So again I ask, am I lieing to myself???

I know I will hear about being in a fog and that may be so, but I don't feel I am lieing to myself when it is truely how I feel. If so then how do I get past it and move out of the fog.

I LOVE my W dearly and so badly want to recover and become the devoted man I once was to her when we first got married. Hell the first 2 yrs we were married I lived in another state and traveled 5 hrs oneway every weekend to be with her and the whole time I was away all I thought about was her and wanting to be with her, I had missed her so much. Even after she moved down with me all I wanted to do was be with her. All the deployments I was on and away from her it never crossed my mind to even consider doing what I did. I don't know what went wrong with me to have gone in the direction I did to ruin her life as I did. Even when I was doing what I was doing I still wanted to be with her and be together all the time. I was even jealous of her job, I would get mad when she wanted to work late to get some overtime.

I guess that is enough bantering, just trying to get some advice to recover and figure out whats wrong with me.

You have to work on skills to have boundries in your life when it comes to putting your marriage in jeapardy. Don't ever be alone with another woman again.....Don't go anywhere without your wife and put yourself in a position to have any contact again. Maybe you should go to some personal therapy and figure out why she your marriage isn't important enough to you to stop yourself from doing what is right for your marriage.....You say you love her but you certainly are not acting very loving towards her when you step outside of the marriage in anyway.....
It's not right, it's time to grow up and accept your actions and take responsibility for your thinking.......How could it be that it's worth losing the woman you say you love.
You won't think so when she is gone and out of your life.......wake up!!!!!

nave, sometimes when I am talking to DH, he tells me, "stop your brain." That is because I could literally think and analyze all day long. Now, I think it is very important to assess what our weak points are and how we can strengthen our boundaries. But thinking something and then thinking about whether we really think it or we just thought we thought it.....insanity.

In a woman's mind friendship+sex ARE feelings. So even if you didn't have some huge romantic surge, those are feelings. So if you felt freidnship and attraction for the OW, then that's what you felt.

As far as the man thing goes, only you can know all the dimensions of that. And talking to a professional is probably in order - but make sure they are pro-marriage. The last thing you need right now is some "do whatever makes you happy for your inner child" crap.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. DH and I had a lot to work through after MY A. I really think that humility and personal responsibility are HUGE.

One easy way is to post your thoughts and feeling on here. You'll get plenty of help sorting out the fog and fantasy.

One example, to say you only felt friendship for the OW is out in left field. Instinctively your W knows this, and that's why your response is worrying her.

Great, so you were never "in love" with her, but it was a polar opposite from friendship. She was meeting one or more needs that, to you at that time, felt very good to have met. One of them was sex. The feeling of acceptance you keep mentioning was probably a roundabout meeting of the Admiration EN. You felt like you didn't deserve admiration because of the thing you had done, but she gave it to you anyway.

With any A, it isn't about the OP...it's how the WS feels about THEMSELF when they are with the OP.

So, you deliberately sought out these people for the purpose of Adultery?

Wow!

Ok, Let's start with electronics.

Computer = Share all passwords and email accounts with your wife. Invite her to check these whenever she wants, this includes FaceBook. (Or delete your Facebook account) Have your wife install a KeyLogger on your computer that only she has the Passwords for. Have her install (Or Turn on) a parental control program that will block pornographic material. That same program should be able to block individual websites such as Gragslist. As with the KeyLogger only your wife should have the passwords to access this.

Phone = Change numbers today. If you can't change numbers because of work, do it anyway or tender your resignation. Once you have changed numbers your wife needs to be the one with your phone unless you absolutely must have it (Work phone), you can even swap phones with her every few days.
An alternative to the above is a phone spy program such as "FlexySpy" which transmits every text and call number/duration to he phone for her review.
If you have a secrete "Affair Phone" give it up now.

Electronic Porn = Show your wife all of it (Computer and DVD) and let her destroy it. (Same for any paper versions)

THE ANSWER IS YES....it's called denial....you are attracted to men....and that is what is bringing on this disgust & shameful feeling you have and you are attempting to rid yourself of it by denial of the truth....read what I bolded here in your own words....you enjoy recieving and giving oral to men....you need to contact those places I listed eariler in this thread (NARTH, Exodus Internation, Joe Dallas) google them and call and read and educate yourself...come out of the fog of denial.

Gack I have already done all of that, she has full access to all of my accounts and I have the GPS tracker installed on my phone, but I like the idea of the flexyspy, I will look into that, thanks. I have destroyed all porn I had and and blocked sites. Also plan on installing the keylogger for her.

I am still processing everything that the rest of you have said and when I clear my head I will post my thoughts. Thanks for the advice I will take it onboard for thought and help myself get clear.

Sailor, there is hope for you yet.

But it is a long road, be prepared for that.

Yes I know, and I am prepared for what ever it takes. Thanks

Ok.....so I have admitted to doing what I did and enjoyed it. So what else is there to admit to? I have admitted that it was a relationship with the OW. What else is there to admit to there? I enjoyed what I did but I do not think that makes me gay. I love the female body/form, what have you, I think women are beautiful to look at and everything else about them. So I am most certian I am NOT gay. I guess it would make me bisexual at most because I did enjoy it when it was happening, but I love women more than what I did with the men. Like I said it repulsed me after I had did what I did. As far as the OW I do not miss her or chatting with her since this has all come about. Yes at the time it may have been a relationship, but it wasn't as strong as people are trying to make it sound. As soon as this all came about I was relieved that it was over and I didn't care what the OW thought when I sent her the NC email, and as I had stated I do not miss anything about her at all. So what else do I need to admit to????

That you have a chip on your shoulder?

This would have been a good start if you weren't so defensive.

Sorry if it came across that way. I was not intending it to be that way. I was just asking what else cause I am feeling lost right now. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything just some kind of advice/guidence right now. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel so lost. Sorry again if I came across so defensive, just my personality I guess.