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Originally Posted by jkl345
What should I do for her to make her know I've changed and wont cheat again?

I would actually CHANGE. CHANGE yourself first and then she will believe you. Blaming others for your crime tells others you do not take accountability for your crimes. If you take no accountability, then there won't be anything to change, right?

From reading your first post, there is nothing for YOU to change, that onus all falls on her to start meetin your needs. If the affairs were a result of unmet needs, then what do you need to change?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jkl345
Thanks for being frank. Much of what you say I should do I have done. Things are moving forward. And you're right three weeks is no time at all to process all this. Thanks also for your advice. I have owned up to weak character, weak boundaries. Regrettably I knew nothing of how to improve our M that was very rocky. Now we both do and have acknowledged to each other our failings. We wrote a letter to OW and there's been NC since. The others were over 10 years ago and there's been NC at all. I express sorrow often. I let her know where I am and what I'm doing often. When we meet I do my best to absorb all my wife's waterfall of anger and criticism and to answer honestly all her questions. It is this I feel hard to work through. It is so negative. I know it is pain and reactive sorrow. Do I just allow it or should I try to divert it to a more positive outlook eg a happier future of honesty and fulfillment of all of each others ENs? What should I do for her to make her know I've changed and wont cheat again?

Your BW has had 19 years of her life stolen from her. She is left to look around her at the rubble that is the reality of her marriage. Three weeks isn't even close to the time she's going to need. That's one thing you're going to need that we can't give you: TIME. Settle back for the ride, jkl. It's going to be bumpy.

Your BW is now a victim of infidelity. It is akin to the death of a child or rape - yes, it's that traumatic. It was all about you during your A's. Now it's all about her. She may choose to dump your sorry a@@ and move on. That is her right. However, I suspect she wants to stay with you. If that is the case, you need to do whatever it takes to make her feel safe again, and it needs to be done on her timetable, not yours.

Others have posted some steps to help you. Be totally open and honest, totally transparent. Give her everything she asks. If she wants to know the ugly details of your adultery, tell her. She may scream and throw things. Dodge them. Let her vent. She may shut down and refuse to speak to you. Let her know you will still be there when she's ready to talk again. Be patient while she processes this terrible tragedy.

I would suggest you send her to this site. It may help her.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by jkl345
I have full awareness that my ENs weren't met but also that I had no right to have PAs. I plead guilty every day. I wish I'd known about methods such as MB but I didn't and thought my EN would be fulfilled with PAs but they woren't; it was an escape.

You are confused about what emotional needs are. I think it would be helpful if you named them "emotional wants" instead. You could name them "roses" if you wanted.

An emotional need is not something that you NEED.

An emotional need is what you need in order to be in love with the person giving it.

You only need it for the purpose of being in love.

Your "love bank" is not just a big pile of love units, like a vault. It's a real bank with separate accounts for every single person you know. Male and female.

When one of those accounts gets high, beyond a certain threshold, you experience the feeling of being in love, which feels wonderful.

Sadly, you DID let women you were not married to meet (partially) one or more of your emotional needs. This made love bank deposits, even if they weren't enough to make you fall in love.

Even if you had fallen in love, that wouldn't have done anyone any good, because YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOUR WIFE. Deposits go into the account of the depositor. They make you fall in love with someone else.

It's not about filling your vault. It's about letting your wife fill her account, and not letting anyone else fill theirs.

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I wish I'd known about methods such as MB but I didn't

That's still not the reason why you committed adultery. Lots of people never knew about MB and still live their lives without committing adultery.

You believed you were entitled to try to "fill your vault" from any source, if your wife wouldn't fill it. You wanted sex, or whatever, and since you weren't getting it, you believed you were entitled. You didn't protect your wife's account from competition with other accounts. You believed you were entitled to do anything with a woman that felt good, including participating in conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and/or sex.

You were wrong. You promised not to do those things when you got married. You said "forsaking all others," and then you didn't keep your promise.

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I don't want condemnation from you guys. I need constructive advice please.

First piece of constructive advice: you need to accept the condemnation. You probably won't move forward until you do. If you want to redeem yourself and become someone who even can help your wife, accept and agree with the condemnation, and then start working all the practical steps people give you.

There will be a lot of reading and the need to change a lot of your thinking. The condemnation may not feel good, but if you'll just accept it it'll be one of the quickest ways to help change your thinking.

Your brain is like a computer with a bug. People are trying to fix the bug.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by jkl345
What should I do for her to make her know I've changed and wont cheat again?

You can't make her know or do anything.

You change and you don't cheat again.

And you learn patience, empathy, and compassion. Recovery will take several YEARS, because you were unfaithful for so long.

-ol' 2long

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My BS is having a terrible time calling her last 19 yrs with me wasted, tainted and lost .


Yep. I can definitely relate to this statement!

jkl345 - You're getting some good advice. Your W may NOT be able to recover from this. You need to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, even if she chooses to leave you...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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