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Plan B comes from the fact that statistically speaking nearly all affairs come to an end of their own accord. Because of that, Plan B allows the BS to remove the daily drama, pain and stress of having a ringside seat at a continuing affair and, hopefully, retain enough love for the WS to attempt recovery when the affair finally implodes on its own.
It might also actually hasten the end of the affair by forcing all ENs to be met by the affair partner rather than the BS meeting some and the affair partner meeting only one or two. Since the affair is based on fantasy as much as on feelings, this can cause the affair partners to have to actually deal with each other in a complete relationship instead of just stroking each other's egos and focusing on making each other feel good.
Look up Queenie's thread for how Plan B can go. Her marriage is not out of the woods yet, but after almost two years of no contact with her WH, he is now home and she is getting another chance at trying to repair the relationship.
The alternative to Plan B is to keep being dragged into the gutter where the affair lives and being hurt continuously by thoughtless behavior until your own Love Bank is totally depleted and you not only don't love the WS any more but actually want nothing more to do with him/her.
Affairs implode for many reasons, most of them the very things that make the affair possible and addictive in nature. Plan B let's the BS recover his/her own life, become a whole person once more and save enough to try to recover when the melt-down in fantasy-land takes place.
Affairs end...
If you aren't divorced and remarried by then, the marriage might still be recoverable.
Mark
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I hate that things are going to end this way. But you see, Plan B (if done properly) is not an end. It's a beginning. Whether your marriage survives or not, YOU will be in a much better place than you are today. Ask those whose marriages have recovered AND those whose marriages didn't, but all of which executed nearly perfect Plan Bs. You still have a fighting chance. We are ones whose M recovered after a very dark Plan B and honestly...our M is better than it's ever been. I am not saying I am THANKFUL we have been through the horror of an A but I AM thankful for what it taught us and where we are NOW. My H tells me and shows me every single day how incredibly grateful he is for me and our marriage. I know it's scary right now higgs...but you WILL feel better in Plan B. I actually had a lot of FUN in Plan B [believe it or not!] because I knew that when we got into recovery it was going to be a biatch. And I was right. 
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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I know, but his leaving was not my goal. I'm sure I'll make it, but I'll always wish that I had done something 5 years ago to save our marriage. I'm still in it and praying daily for God to intervene.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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I know, but his leaving was not my goal. I'm sure I'll make it, but I'll always wish that I had done something 5 years ago to save our marriage. I'm still in it and praying daily for God to intervene. higgs, maybe God has INTERVENED and Plan B is the best thing for your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know, but his leaving was not my goal. I'm sure I'll make it, but I'll always wish that I had done something 5 years ago to save our marriage. I'm still in it and praying daily for God to intervene. It's not over till it's over...you are not there yet. Plan A your patootie off until you hand that PBL over to him. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT, HIGGS!!! You want the very last memories he has of you to be of your VERY BEST. I'm getting the impression that you are mopey and quiet around him...THAT IS NOT YOUR BEST IMPRESSION!!! Part of Plan A is to show him the changes that you are willing to make in your "new marriage". You can do this, higgs!!
Last edited by MarriedForever; 05/06/10 04:13 PM. Reason: because i was edited for saying *rse!!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I too wish I had found this site years ago. If you see, my first Dday was 2.5 years ago. I didn't know what to do. I did the best I knew how. I am happy for you that you have found it when you did.
You know, it wasn't my INTENT to have my WH move in with POSOW, but it is where he is.
I am in Plan B though, so I am safe from the drama. I don't know what he is doing day to day, minute to minute.
Now I KNOW that he is with her, where before I didn't KNOW. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. I am POWERFUL. YOU are POWERFUL. You will be okay.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I know, but his leaving was not my goal. I'm sure I'll make it, but I'll always wish that I had done something 5 years ago to save our marriage. I'm still in it and praying daily for God to intervene. higgs, maybe God has INTERVENED and Plan B is the best thing for your marriage? HEY YOU TOOK THE WORDS OUTTA MY MOUTH
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thanks....we'll see how tonight goes. As it is, he is still not home. The same ole same ole. At least with him gone, I won't have to worry about when he will be in. You're right about the quiet part....not sure about the mopey. I have still been keeping house clean, making dinner, and keeping myself nice looking.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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![[Linked Image from i163.photobucket.com]](http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t297/tarab2/higgs.jpg) Just to say we are thinking about you and wish you well, higgs. Stay strong...this is something you CAN do!!! 
Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15
Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
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Higgs, Psalm 102:1-12(NIV) 1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
2 Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
3 For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
5 Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
7 I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
8 All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.
9 For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
10 because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass. The first 11 verses are written to describe a situation in life where it seems all hope is gone. We have nowhere to turn and life hangs by a thread. But verse 12 says: 12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Isaiah 49:15&16 says: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Psalm 77(The Message) 1 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.
2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God�and shake my head.
I bow my head�then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night�not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together.
7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will he never smile again?
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten his manners?
Has he angrily stalked off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him."
11-12 Once again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do�
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.
16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God,
saw you and trembled with fear;
Deep Ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,
Lightning exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
walked straight through roaring Ocean,
but nobody saw you come or go.
20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,
You led your people like a flock of sheep. Because HE has done great things, we can KNOW that He will do great things. Whatever happens, God is in control. Even the Oceans obey His command. All of nature hears His voice and responds to come to the aid of those who trust Him. He knows the end from before the beginning. He knows every hair on your head! He knows every cell of your body! He has a PLAN for you and no matter what happens, His PLAN is to prosper and not to harm you; to give you a hope and a future. Psalm 42 (NIV) 3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God. No matter what happens, His plan for you is great! Mark
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Mark
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Mark and T and C....I needed that. I know God is in the middle of this, but sometimes it seems so out of control, but I know he is here.
He's home now and working on his car. It would seem that both of his vehicles are having trouble....I hate to say this, but I've asked God to just strip him; he has no remorse.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Still nothing....kids are still awake. It's next to impossible to accomplish a conversation.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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higgs, why don't you just leave him that letter and go about your business?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've lost!!! I'm weak and I'm unable to accomplish my goals. He sat in front of me refusing to give me answers while he typed a two hour long letter to me. After writing it, he said he would send it to me after I made my next move. He saw the typed letter in my van and said as such. He can't meet my requests and said that he would move if I gave him the letter.
He said that he has given into my demands and threats over the years and he's not taking it anymore. He admitted to everything he had done up till my finding him, but never had sex although that was next for him. He says they are no longer together and his long stays away are ways for him to deal with everything.He said he would sign the contract...and repair..that's all.
I just stood there and cried, yes cried, I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I'm sorry for all ya'lls hard work and my complete failure.
I'm just going to try and make it through the day.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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He saw the typed letter in my van and said as such. He can't meet my requests and said that he would move if I gave him the letter.
. You are not a failure, higgs! Give him the letter. He is trying to gaslight you, higgs!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Higgs, he is still in touch with OW, nothing is over. He is just taking this even more underground and he is already telling you that he needs his time alone so he can think so the time alone will continue and ....it will be time "alone" with OW.
Give him the letter and tell him to move out. You have hope there because he is at least taking the time to write you a letter and to debate with you...it means he is not 100% emotionally dead. But he is acting very very entitled.
He is setting the conditions and he has no right to do so.
If you cried...that is only human. I wish I could cry. I only started doing so a couple of months ago...but for many months I could not shed a tear.
Do not beat yourself up, you have done NOTHING. This is soooo typical of WS, they make us feel and act as if WE are the ones who have done something wrong. They deserve to be happy and we are making it hard for them. They told us they want to separate and we should understand them if they have an A while still living with us!
You see their logic...totally foggy!
You will survive this. I have.
Blessing
atena
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higgs...
About 4 days before I found out we were in a false recovery (he told me the A was over 10 months earlier; it wasn't), my H moved out because he refused to go to counseling with me.
It meant nothing, only that he was too afraid to admit the A was still on and begin the tough road of recovery.
I went into a dark Plan B as soon as I found out the A had never ended, and 6 weeks later he was home.
Please go to Plan B, higgs...you will feel so much better when you do!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I can't give you enough {hugs}. Seeing you do the things you need to do are helping me with doing the same. Nothing at this point is going to be easy and you are handling it so well!
Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04
DD11
DD8
DS3
In a big ol mess...
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