Hi, everyone. I'm just like my screen name says: lost. I really don't know what to say.

I could use help, guidance, insight, anything -- but I don't know in what regard.

Here is my deal -- I'm divorced, and my divorce was extremely painful. I joined this board 6-7 years ago as that marriage was crumbling, received some great advice ... and, in time, moved on.

That relationship is not why I'm here, or why I'm lost. Long story short, I eventually evolved into another relationship with a woman -- a woman who treated me far better than my ex ever did, who loved me and actually showed me that she loved me.

We were together for 5 years and just recently split up � and, quite honestly, I don�t know what to do because I do love her.

My confusion comes in because I never showed her that love throughout our time together. I won�t say I treated her awful, or poorly. But I certainly didn�t treat her as well as she deserved to be treated because I was still dealing with pain and hurt from my failed marriage, and issues I still had with feelings for my ex.

I could go into great detail over the things I did for her, and even greater detail over the things she did for me -- but the reality is, she went �all in� with this relationship for a long, long time while I dragged my feet and basically begged her to look elsewhere for what she wanted: love, commitment, happiness.

Eventually, she did just that � and I can�t blame her. In fact, as much as I�m hurting and as much as I�m desperate to be with her, I just can�t see me putting her through another second of my silliness. Even if that silliness never showed again, the fact it lasted so long, to me, just erases me attempting any reconciliation.

For starters, she has made it clear anyway that she has moved on. Not that she wants to move on, but that she has. Now, while I am amazed at how fast that happened, I�m not so sure she isn�t being totally honest. If anything, I�d say she is.

We do have a child together. A beautiful, little 19-month-old girl whom I love dearly. But even with that, I made things difficult because I panicked at the time I found out about the pregnancy, thinking about the fact I already had 2 kids from my marriage to worry about, especially financially.

A further kick to the stomach is this: Just last night, I happened to go through e-mails we exchanged over the past 6 months after a move that didn�t please me, but she had nothing to do with, and I am ashamed at what I wrote, how hurtful and vindictive I was with my words.

So, here I am, realizing what a jerk I�ve been and finally grasping just how deep my feelings were/are for this girl � and I don�t know what to do. I mean, my life is in shambles beyond this relationship � but this failed relationship is hitting me like I can�t believe.

I can barely function � and, yet, I almost feel like it would be criminal for me to try and reconcile and actually succeed in doing so.

I know I�m capable of treating her wonderful. I treated my ex wonderful, and, quite honestly, she didn�t even deserve that. This girl did and does � and, as far as I know, she is being treated very well in her new relationship.

I apologize for the length of this post, but if anyone out there can muster the strength to get through it and actually have some possibly helpful thoughts, I�d really appreciate it if they would share them.

Doesn�t have to be anything about that relationship -- trying to save it or move on from it. Could be suggestions on what I need to do with myself, anything � because, at this point, I am lost.

I hear you. I am sorry that the relationship failed.

I am also sorry for your relationship's demise.

You sound alot like my STBXW. She just couldn't allow herself to love. My opinion and that of the MC is that she exibits significant Borderline Personality Traits if not the full disorder. Look into it, there are websites on Borderline disorder. Read about it and see if anything resonnates. If it does, then you might be able to understand why you do the things you do. If not... you merely spent a couple hours on the interenet.

Here is the 'official website'... whatever that means.

http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/

I too, am dealing with a woman with BPD. I've found the following sites to be very helpful in my personal recovery:

http://www.gettinbetter.com
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/personality_disorders/overview_03.asp
http://www.bpdfamily.com
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/

And a lot of good articles scattered around the Associated Content site, such as

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/146497/understanding_borderline_personality.html?cat=72
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/748987/how_to_spot_a_girl_with_borderline.html?cat=10
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/29678/borderline_personality_disordermarriage.html?cat=5

(I guess you could say I've done a lot of research on this topic...)

Thanks for the info. I will check it out.

I must say, though, that I did not have any issues going "all in" with my ex-wife. When we were married, I put everthing into a relationship -- and then some -- that a person can.

I'm imagining with this post-marriage relationship, I was completely scared -- without even knowing it -- because of getting burned in the marriage.

In both cases, I should note, my partner ended things by jumping into the arms of someone else and choosing that person over me, immediately.

Obviously, I am doing something wrong -- could it be right at the start with whom I'm connecting, or attracting, or to whom I'm attracted?

Any tips fo moving on would be greatly appreciated -- because it is apparent that's what I need to do. It took me 6 years to get over my marriage split (relationship was 16 years). Even tough this relationship only lasted 5, my feelings are deeper and more legit ... but I just don't wanna be hungup on this lik the last one. Life isn't that long.

One thing I am doing different this time is allowing myself to mourn. I am not looking for someone else or another relationship.

Lost, far be it from me to try to diagnose. Much like A.A., one has to make the personal decision about whether one is alcoholic or not.

I would suggest that you read a number of the articles on the first site I listed. The author, Shari Schreiber, M.A. has a way of writing that seemed to speak to me directly. I experienced a number of jaw-dropping revelations reading her articles.

You say she's moved on...has she gotten involved with someone else? If not, you might try telling her what you've told us. And I wouldn't hesitate to get counseling to help you with your grief, and your baggage...it's not uncommon for those who've been hit hard in a divorce or betrayal to have difficulty committing or giving all to the next person, sometimes they need help with that.

kayc:

yes, she has moved on ... to someone else. i'm sorry, i thought i made that clear.

i have told her, and, i must say, it doesn't seem like she cares. she definitely is a person who commits, so, as strange as it may seem, she feels as committed to this new relationship right now as she did to our relationship.

honestly, lol, i even find that insulting in a way. we were together 5 years ... and, supposedly, this current deal is 5 weeks old. i don't even see how u can compare the two, but, quite frankly, i'd have to say she ranks that ahead of our deal already.

unfortunately, i am not financially equipped to get counseling ... and people i know are not the greatest with counsel on this. most are of the "place it here in the corner, turn around, walk away and forget about it." i don't work that way. i wish i did.

This is not unusual for people with personality disorders.

Please read some of the articles I linked.

This is a good one in that it lists the "phases" of a relationship with a Borderline.

Lost:

Sorry you're going through this. I have to say that while my D is pending, I already am wondering if I am ever going to be willing to open my heart to another women and give my all after going through all I have been through.

I think there are quite a few like you here, CJ. I'm one of them.

Slow and easy. That's how I'm going to move forward.

Getting over a relationship with a disordered person takes a lot of work.

There's a lot of work in Marriage Builders. Add that on top of the recovery, and it will be a while before I'm ready to have any sort of adult relationship.

What are you confused about? You went from one relationship and dove into another. I don't know why you divorced exW but you obviously had not 'moved on'...and you just said you were dealing with feeling and other baggage. This is why it is important for any divorced person to give himself time to heal. If you neglected and didn't commit to GF even after a baby she was probably fed up and figured she would cut her losses. There is nothing mentally wrong with exGF except that she had a renter.

Not sure if you can salvage a relationship with her but you can focus on being a good father to your daughter, respect her mother and work on whatever fears you have about commitment. If you were neglected, wouldn't you have left? Women really aren't all that complicated.

Crushed:

I've been through this twice now, and, while I never thought it possible, this is worse than my divorce.

That being said, I can't say this heartache is caused by giving my all. I did NOT give my all -- at least not outwardly. I was so busy trying to protect myself from the pain of divorce and issues I still had with my ex, I never realized that this girl was the one I really loved ... and I never did treat her the way she deserved.

In short, in my view, I got what was coming to me. I do appreciate your thoughts/concern, though. It hurts worse than I ever imagined.

Now, that being said, LOL -- I'm done. I won't be opening up my heart ever again -- externally or internally. I, clearly, am incapable of handling it.

Black Raven:

Not sure what the anger is about. I didn't dive into this other relationship. This on started 2 years after me and my ex split. I also didn't divorce my ex; she divorced me.

Also, I haven't said anything about her having issues, emotional or otherwise -- except I'm a bit surprised someone can equate a 5-year deal to a 5-week one, especially when you claimed to love the person in the 5-year deal.

My whole point in this is what my issues are. Clearly, I have some. I obviously don't know how to deal. I obviously don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I want help. I'm not pointing the finger elsewhere.

As for salvaging, you'll be happy to know that GF has moved on completely. There will be no attempt at reconciliation. She is with a guy who is giving her everything she wanted from me, and didn't always receive.

Fred:

I'd say Stage 5 reads a lot more like my ex-wife than my now ex-GF.

Look, I'm not gonna say she was a saint and did everything and treated me perfectly wonderful throughout. She had flaws, many of them. She was bossy, controlling, manipulative, pushy, distorted. She also, however, was comforting, caring, loving and could always be counted out. I've never had anyone whom I could count on like that -- not even family.

So, I'm not really seeing any issues with her, in spite of me being thrown off with how easily she moved on.

Thing is, we talked tonight ... and it's very clear she was moving on for awhile before we ever split. Now that, honestly, pisses me off -- because I was still involved and putting into it. My ex-wife did the exact same thing. I got left holding the bag twice.

I'm not angry...a little grumpy maybe but not at you. After reading what you wrote I am confused why you are confused. Split does not mean divorced and whether she divorced you or you divorced her...that doesn't matter to me. Based on the 6-7 yrs ago of finding MB and then a 5 yr relationship with GF, I don't see much time in between. I said nothing about a 5 week relationship being equal to 5 yrs. But if your GF is done, for whatever reason, she is done. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Like you are gunshy, maybe she is now.

As for any mental illness...that was not directed at you. Why would I be happy she has moved on? You asked and I made an observation. I never said you shouldn't try to reconcile. What are you willing to do to win her back? Are you willing to stop being a renter or not?

BR:

There will be no reconciliation. She has made that abundantly clear -- just tonight, in fact. I cannot blame her. She has to do what she feels is right for her and our baby.

That being said, I am incredible pain right now. Pain I never expected; not to this extreme, at least. This is far deeper than what I experienced after my failed marriage.

I'm not confused about her ... I'm confused about me. Everything I did, and didn't do. If I haven't made that clear before, let me make it clear now. Every issue, aside from total honesty, is with me.

As for total honesty, I'm telling you/everyone I screwed up. I'm not holding back. But I am bothered that, in a way, I do feel played ... because I was. That would be my only issue here in this deal because she stopped, and never told me -- while I kept putting in, and putting in more all the time.

I never concealed from her my issues. I had them out in the open and admitted them all along.

BR:

You didn't equate the 5-year to the 5-week. She did in discussions with me. To me, just a tad, well, insulting, lol. Seriously ... because it is.

Tells me just how much time I wasted -- even with being a [censored] in not going "all in" all the time.

JustFigured:

I've been doing plenty of research of late, and trying to be a little more honest about my failed relationship -- instead of the panicked, self-loathing pointing of the finger at myself in the hopes that somehow will turn back the clock, so I can fix everything.

From all I've gathered, it was a toxic relationship and our roles were clearly defined: hers as the manipulator and mine as the target. Both suck. We were codependents, and, for my part, I fueled things by going along, even half-hearted (at least I thought; I actually went "all in" with my heart I've discovered).

I am looking to recover from this. I will seek help/guidance and work on my own flaws that allowed me to get in such a relationship ... and, worse, stay in it, or keep coming back to it.