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My husband and I have been married for almost three years and have been a couple for 10 yrs. I thought we had a very solid relationship and was so in love with him,until about 3 weeks ago I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker. He admits his feelings for her are stronger than for me and he didn't mean to "fall for her". He says he has ended it and for the most part I believe him. I think the sexual aspect of the relationship has ended. But I am sure he is still talking to her on a regular basis. I know that we have no chance of healing until she is completely out of the picture.
Here's the bad timing part of things. I am pregnant and due in a 12 days. We have made plans to move out of state but that can't happen until the end of June. His last day at work isn't until June 15th. I know that he sees her everyday he works and it kills me. I am just so scared that their relationship could get even stronger in the next month even though I know that he is really trying not to let that happen. I also know that this is very confusing and hard on him. I know that once she is out of the picture, we can survive this. But how do we survive the next month and a half? Is it even worth it to start counseling now, or should we wait until we move?
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Hi pregnantandhurt, Welcome to MB. I had to laugh as soon as I saw your name because....that was my name EXACTLY when I started on this forum! I had to change it recently, though, because my husband found the site and I didn't want him knowing anything I was writing on here.....  Once you move out of state, what are his plans for her? Is he going to be having "business" trips? Are they going to be keeping up communication? Because sometimes a move is not enough to end it. Have you exposed the affair to anyone yet?
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Hi P&H (wooh! Deja vu)
Welcome to MB, I am so sorry you have to be here.
Have you read any of the articles, the 10 basic concepts, and any of the MB books?
MB can help give you the best chance to save your marriage. Some of the things we will suggest to you may seem contra-intuitive, but they really do help.
Take some time to read and read and read here, listen lots, and tell us EVERYTHING!
Do you have an other children?
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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Wow, so sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, there are several others on here who are pregnant as well. You're right, it's a horrible act and horrible timing.
First off, you must immediately expose this affair! You should tell your WH's family and friends, your family, OW's family and friends (is she married or in a relationship?). Since they are co-workers, it should also be exposed at work. This will be your number one weapon in fighting this affair and bursting the fantasy bubble! You also need to let your WH know you do NOT want him to talk to her or contact her in any way, shape or form from here on out.
You're right in the fact that as long as they are seeing/talking to each other there is no chance of recovery. You are fortunate in that you will soon be moving to a different state. This will be to your advantage in order to separate them physically, however you have a while before that happens and a lot to do before then.
I would read on here as much as you can about affairs and exposure and recovery and Plan A. How did you find out about the affair? You will need to spy on your WH to ensure he is not contacting OW.
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I have been on this site for the past 2 weeks reading everything I can. I have read the Basic Concepts. I found out that he was texting this woman at work an awful lot and caught him lying to me about spending his day off with her. With just a little pushing he fully admitted to the affair. Some family and friends know and some of his co-workers know as well. I think the "bubble" is somewhat burst. But our parents dont know. I am afraid that if everyone knows there will be less incentive for him to stay. He is very aware that I don't want him to talk to her and I really believe he is trying, but I know there have been slip-ups. He's even admitted to a couple. Plus he works with her he has to talk to her. I am snooping but he knows that too and I am sure he is probably looking for new ways to contact her without me knowing. How can I possibly know? I fell like he is only 50% committed to working things out. I am trying to start plan A but it is very difficult given I could have this baby any day now. I have to focus on me and this baby too.
ME: BW 29
WH: 28
EA/PA:01/10-04/10
DD:4/11/10
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This is our first child.
He is a chef so business trips would not be a useable excuse for him. He has no reason (or money) to travel.
He knows he has to give up all contact with her, but how will I ever know that has really happened?
ME: BW 29
WH: 28
EA/PA:01/10-04/10
DD:4/11/10
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Welcome to MB.
It is good to hear that you have read everything so we will be able to help you better.
You CAN NOT start to recover your MARRIAGE until your WH is NOT seeing this woman EVER.
He is still working with her and seeing her everyday so he is still having an ACTIVE affair. Until that stops, there will be NO recovery beginning.
You will be moving June 15th, which will be helpful. That is a while away. I don't know if you will be able to handle Plan A that long, especially with a newborn.
DrH recommends 3-4 weeks of Plan A for women. Some can last longer. It really depends on the support system.
You DO need to EXPOSE this. You need to expose all at once. On the same day and to anyone who can put pressure on his affair. This includes their workplace.
Is he going to be working for the same company, just in another state?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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But our parents dont know. I am afraid that if everyone knows there will be less incentive for him to stay. Wrong!!! They can be your most powerful allies in this and they MUST know as soon as possible. It's good that 'some' family and friends and co-workers know, however it's not good enough. You need to bust this wide open! His incentive to stay will be determined on how difficult this A is for him to keep up. The more people that know about their dirty little secret, the more difficult it will be for them to keep seeing each other and the quicker the A will end.
Last edited by SidneyT; 05/06/10 06:22 PM.
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Not the same company. He actually does not have a new job yet. It's a risk we both know that has to be taken to end this ordeal.
ME: BW 29
WH: 28
EA/PA:01/10-04/10
DD:4/11/10
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does he know about this site?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He does not know specifically about this site.
ME: BW 29
WH: 28
EA/PA:01/10-04/10
DD:4/11/10
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Okay, if you ever get to recovery, then there will come a time when you will want him to know about this site. For now, this is going to be a great source of intel for you.
So, exposure. Will you be ready to start Saturday? Sunday? Monday? You will want to do it all at once if possible. Does OW have a FB page? You should copy all of her friends so you can expose to them too.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I really do appreciate the advice but I really don't think widespread exposure is the best thing to do. I think he will exposing to everyone will make things worse. Especially if I expose her. She is not married. I have never met her. I think it would drive him away from me and just help him to form a stronger bond with her. I think that enough people know to have burst the bubble. We will be having alot of out of town visitors (some of which know the situation) in the next few weeks. He also saw a counselor for the first time tonight.
ME: BW 29
WH: 28
EA/PA:01/10-04/10
DD:4/11/10
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I think it would drive him away from me and just help him to form a stronger bond with her. I thought so too. It didn't happen that way. He was angry for a while, and then got over it. It WAS an excuse for him to keep talking to her, but that' was it. Nothing else. It was NOT the final straw in our relationship, that's for sure. Every newcomer to the site thinks that. And it seems reasonable. But think of this.....the more people that know, the more people there are to put pressure on the affair to end. Especially parents.
Last edited by NewPetals; 05/06/10 07:44 PM.
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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pregnant:
I did not expose as I should have. I am mid-divorce now. I am not saying exposing would have changed this but I wish I had. Do it!
When my WW knew I was watching computer use, she used computers at the library. When she know I was watching cellphone bills, she bought a pay-as-you-go phone. When she thought I was "listening" in her car, she stood outside her car making her calls. Gather as much information as you can and DO NOT let him know what you know.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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I am very sorry to hear your story. I just had a baby Jan 10th,been married 11 yrs, and found out in Feb my hubby has been cheating on me with women and also trolling online for oral sexual encounters with men. I definately can feel your pain. I dont have too much advice for you since I myself have been thrown into this nightmare, but I can tell you; My son is 3 months old now, and this ugliness has totally overshadowed his babyhood. I was sooooo into my daughter when she was born 6 years ago, so happy, but this time, its different. I am soo depressed over what my hubby has done. Im trying hard not to be, but most of the time I just cant help it. My only advice to you, and its not easy, but try VERY VERY hard to concentrate on YOU and your baby. They dont stay babies long, dont miss out because of this mess, take lots of pics if you can so at least you can look back on those days when you feel like you missed something. Also on days I am just overwhelmed by grief, I can tell you my son can really bring me back from the dead sometimes. You will need his love more then you know. I will pray for you my dear.
Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
DD: 7
DS: 1yr. M: 12yrs
DDay: Feb 10 2010
**Always speak your mind.....even if your voice shakes**
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P&H-You didn't expose before and he is already in her arms. He has already chosen to do something absolutely horrible to your family and you are worried about saving face? I know that it seems counter-intuitive. I want you to read more threads and see that this IS part of MB plans. If you are going to follow MB, you can't pick and choose. This isn't a restaurant where you get to pick the items off of a menu. Your marriage CAN be recovered. It is a SMALL NARROW PATH. DrH has been doing this for a LONGGGGGGGGGG time and HE has set out these guidelines. He suggests exposure. Please reconsider this. You need the support
As well, affairs THRIVE in secrecy. You are ENABLING the affair by keeping quiet. Even if she is single(who told you BTW?) you can tell her parents, family and friends. Exposure is like shinning a flash light on the affair. Please consider this. You have a small window.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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P&H,
you say you have read articles etc on MB, great. I know it seems weird, out there and all a bit much. I would say about 100% of BS's who come to MB are like that...at first. It does take a little time to 'get' with the programme. I can say you will not ever regret FIGHTING for what is right and for your marriage.
Because I dont know what you have read, I will hunt up some posts and articles I think you will find helpful. Do read them over several times, like we have said, alot of it comes across as counter intuitive. Marriage builders doesnt save EVERY marriage, but it is the best programme for breaking up affairs and restoring love between spouses.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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More from Pep......
Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!
Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage
do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse
Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful
having said that
if the affair continues
once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts
ASK the board for HELP to do this
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
time to take your OWN inventory
compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this
don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action
DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site
if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly
take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse
then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~
caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease
GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse
MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home
Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."
You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.
You can word it something like this:
All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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