My wife (we�ve been married for two years now), is having an affair with some ex-lover (a two night stand as I understand it.) This affair started in November of 09, and in December, when we went to renew our oath, she was incredibly happy doing so. Fast forward to January, when I started seeing her slowly slip away. Minor things like she would lie down in bed and look into her Iphone for hours, and it will be the last thing she would look at before going off to sleep and the first thing she�d look at in the morning.

I knew something was wrong.

In February, we went on a vacation to Costa-Rica, everything was great there, and was great for another week after we returned. Post about a week of returning from Costa Rica, she confessed to me her love for another man. Apparently, she met with him when I was away from here in November, and he currently lives in Sydney Australia, and we live in NYC, USA. I was devastated. And I panicked. We talked a lot, and she reached a conclusion that she�d stop contact with this person (This happened on the 17th of February.) Post this incident; I was still very much doubtful, since we started slipping away minute-by-minute, day-by-day. I gave her all the support I could, tried to talk to her in many ways. But I was unable to reach her � unable to reconcile with the infidelity. This continued on for some time, with major ups and downs every single day. Many nights, we both sat and cried, many nights, I just wanted to leave, many nights, but she stopped me from leaving.

On the 17th of April, we both decided that we needed to take a break from each other, and I decided to stay at a friends place for some time. We planned on meeting every Sunday evening. The 18th was a Sunday, and I went to meet with her � took her out for dinner. Before dinner, she said she was sorry for hurting me by asking me for a break.

At dinner, after we ordered some wine, she had tears in her eyes, and she told me that she was still thinking about this other guy, and wanted to go and see him in Sydney, and she was depressed because she was not able to see him. I threw a fit: I basically told her that if she wants to go see him, she could, but before she goes to see him, she should give me a divorce. I was livid. I was angry. I was upset. I was devastated. After that we did not speak for sometime, and in the mean time she left for France since her grandmother expired. She sent me an email that she was going to France and she was still not ready for a meeting. But said that she�d call once she returns.

This is when I bumped into your website.

On the 1st of May was my birthday, and she was not in the country�but I was hoping that she�d call, but she did not. She returned on the 3rd of May and still did not call. I called her on the 4th of May, and she said that she wants a separation � I politely asked her if she�d give us another 6 months, or if she is willing to go for counseling. She said, she did not want to, and that she was sorry. During the course of this phone conversation, we talked about all the things that we needed to sort out � one of them being her insurance. Since she does not have a job, she is reliant on me for the insurance � I told her that I�d keep her insurance until she finds a job. All this happened over the phone, and we haven�t seen each other face to face for since the 17th of April.

I am devastated: but also a little bit calmer.

My questions to you guys are:
What can I do to save this relationship?
Is it even savable?
I just don�t know what to do anymore, and I am lost, confused, and sad.

Please help me.

hello, help please!

Welcome to MB, I am sorry that you are here. Having said that, you have found a place that is welcoming and full of knowledge.

First, I will answer your questions.

You can do A LOT to save this relationship. First things to do is READ READ READ. Read all of the info on this site and order the book Surviving an Affair. You have begun to post on here, which is another GREAT step. You need to read others threads as well as there will be A LOT of advice that is also right for your sitch. You will see that infidelity is the same, only the people are different. You will be asked to do a lot of things by the posters on here that seem counter-intuitive. You should at least consider doing these things. The people here have been through this already. Some have recovered their marriages. Others have helped countless others.

Yes it is savable.

Now some questions for you.

How old are you? How old is your WW? How old is OM? Do you know all of the info for OM?

Do you have any children?

Is this the first marriage for both you and your WW?

Are you ready for the hardest journey of your life?

Thank you Scotland for your message. I have been trying to read up as much as I possibly can. But, I feel like it's a little too late, since I have already over-reacted, and didnt discover this wonderful website until now.

I am 36 YO
My wife (WW: what is that?) is 34 years old
OM (Other man?) is 32 Years old
We dont have children. We've been together for 3 and a half years.
Yes I am ready for the toughest journey of my life (I have had some other really difficult journeys: like my mother died when I was 13 years old. I had an abusive father who abandoned me, I still went on to finish college, finish a masters degree, and love people)

WW is Wayward Wife, that means she is having an affair.

With no children and having been together for a short time. The next question is, Why do you want to save this marriage?

This is all part of the process.

Well, I want to save this marriage because we still have love for each other, and I have a lot of love for her. We have been through a LOT, like a lot in the last 2 years, and we have learned a lot, helped each other a lot, and really been there for each other. I think it�ll be stupid to let go of all this.

Are you willing to move back into YOUR home?

Hey MAC,

Sorry you are here.

More personal background on you and WW would help.

Also, who knows about the A? Exposure is your most powerful weapon.

TB

Scotland: I am willing to move back to my HOME, but she's already asked for separation, so the option of moving back may not be available.

I am 36 YO, very healthy, fit, individual: have a stable job, earn good money, have a lot of hobbies, been very supportive of my wife etc. This is my first marriage.
She is 34 YO, does not have a job, has a ton of hobbies, many friends, and has been super supportive in the past. She has told some of her friends about this Affair, and she has also told her sister about this affair.

This is easy. It's YOUR HOME. So what she's asking for a separation! Tell her you don't want one! Move back in. Done.

OM married?

I know you've been married two years, but how long have you known her? Is it her first marriage as well?

You have no kids but she doesn't work?

What kind of snooping are you doing? Keylogger on the home PC?

TB

You need to start to do Plan A. Have you read the basic concepts? Also read the most popular links in the right hand menu. Start with How to survive infidelity.

You will need to read this

Carrot and Stick revisited

Plans A and B

archived exposure

BS's Please be still

Well, I was the one who asked her to make up her mind. This is her way of telling me that she has made up her mind! I made that mistake!

How can I still move back in?

Mac, may I ask why you renewed your vows? You were only two years into the marriage, yes?

TA

Well, it was for love. we decided to do this once every year.

Just bring your stuff back home and move back in. Do it today. It's YOUR HOME right?

Is it a home you purchased with your wife? If not, are you on a lease? This is YOUR HOME. How can you NOT live there?

By being out of the house you have made it easier for her to continue her affair.

Unfortunately, I am not on the lease. This is because two and a half years ago, when we decided to move in together, her place was the best place to be in. Since this is New York City, we could'nt find a better apartment!

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Your story is extremely poignant.

But I want you to look at the elements you've given us in your own words:

Her attitude/actions:
(February) - she confessed to me her love for another man.
(April) - we both decided that we needed to take a break from each other
(May) - she said that she wants a separation; she did not want to go for counseling

Your beliefs:
(May) - we still have love for each other; I think it�ll be stupid to let go of all this

I have to tell you, my friend, that the two groups above do not appear to come from the same relationship. A marriage cannot be built on the love by one spouse, and the need for insurance coverage and free housing on the part of the other. Whatever her other qulaities, she seems to be a classic "user", taking much and giving nothing.

She is broken, my friend, and you can't fix her. She can fix herself, but without the "spur" of the negative consequences to her own actions, she will see no reason to. You are enabling her immature, unrealistic outlook on life.

Renewal of vows is more common in the US than elsewhere, I know (I'm in the UK), but planning to do it once a year seems odd and a little excessive to me. Not so much about love, perhaps, as a touch of insecurity?

Is she a US citizen? Are you? How could she afford an apartment if she didn't work? Did she work until you got married?

TA

Yes, she did work until we got married. We both arent US citizens. She is using up her savings (and unemployment) to pay her bills