My wife and I have been together 10 years, and married for 4. In my opinion, we had a perfect life together. We were happy, had the most beautiful 9-month old daughter, were within a month of closing on our first house, we both had successful and secure jobs, and I was going back to school. Then it all came crashing down about a week ago when I found out about an affair she was having with a co-worker.

I need to backtrack a bit. My wife has been dealing with depression since we have been together. A lot of that had been caused by her alcoholic (but not abusive) father. They didn't have the best relationship, and she felt extremely guilty over it. She has always dealt with it well, so well, in fact, that I hardly knew that it was a problem. He passed away about 3 months ago, and apparently all of these guilty feelings washed over her like a tidal wave. She became depressed, but handled it in a very upbeat way. My wife, like her father, had always been a shy introvert. Shortly after he passed, she told me that she did not want to be like him, and she was making a point to meet at least 1 new person a day at work (she works in a large corporation with thousands of employees). I thought this was fantastic, and encouraged it completely.

In the meantime, I was extremely stressed out over work, going back to school, and raising our baby. I know now where I made the mistake, but at the time, it didn't seem like anything. I wasn't there for her. She was crying out for me to help her, and I didn't hear. I just heard a happy girl, meeting lots of new people and making a ton of friends, listening to only happy music (another clue: she always told me to turn off sad songs. Apparently, she was only partaking in "happy" events.)

Well, I didn't hear her cries for help, and one of her new friends at work did. They began talking all the time at work and even a little on the phone. He was meeting all of her needs that I apparently wasn't. They eventually met up and had sex. My wife swears that it was a one-time thing, and she told him she couldn't do that anymore. But she kept it secret for a few months. She went along as being the happy wife, with the new baby and planning to buy a new house.

Then, I found out. Of course, I was extremely angry. I couldn't believe it. I immediately canceled our contract on the house. I said many things I regret (which she doesn't hold against me, based on what she did). She swore she would do anything to get me back, but at that time, I wanted nothing to do with her.

Fast forward a day. After a lot of soul searching and thought, I knew that this was the woman I was meant to be with. She made a huge mistake, but I knew that with some counseling, I could get through it. I loved her more than anything. So I brought up the idea of marriage counseling. She said ok, but she sounded different. We went the first day, and afterwords she told me that she didn't want to go anymore. She wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me. I was in shock again. Wasn't I, the victim, supposed to be the one who didn't want HER back?

For the next few days, she sent me big time mixed messages. She would lie with me in bed and on the floor, then get angry with me for asking if she changed her mind. I finally got out of her what her hold-up was: she wanted us both. She still works with this guy and sees him daily. She swears it was a one-time thing, but is worried that it will happen again if we get back together. However, when asked if she would pursue a relationship with him if I was out of the picture, she said no. It wouldn't be the same. She says that she does not love him. But she still loves me. He is married with kids himself, and has no plans of leaving his wife. So I told her, and she agreed with me completely, that his attraction to her is just physical. All he wants is sex. And she doesn't care. She is so hung up on this guy emotionally that she can't let him go when she is with me.

So this is where we are. She is moving into her own apartment to have time alone and "to think." I have told her that I will wait for her, but in the meantime, I have to try to move on from this as well. I am going back by myself to the counselor, and since she has no intention of joining me, I am going to talk to him about moving on. She keeps our conversations and meetings very brief, and gets very angry when I bring any of this up. She says that I am pressuring her to make a decision and just needs time. "Why can't you just give me time!" she says.

So what do I do? I miss my wife, my family, and my life. I love her more than anything. Even though I don't take any blame for what she did, I realize my mistakes that led her to this man and vow to fix them. I know there are many things we both need to work on to save our marriage (starting with her getting a new job), but she isn't willing to do any of these things. I also know that even if given the chance, our marriage still may not work. But why can't she give us the chance to work? We had, for the most part, a beautiful, beautiful relationship.

Meet with a lawyer today, and see if you can keep her from moving your child out of the marital home.

Expose the affair to her employer. She's never going to commit to you while OM is in the picture. You want either her or OM to leave. Expose to her family and friends. Expose to OM's family and friend. Your goal to is to get no contact between her an OM. Once you get that established, after several months of withdrawal, she will want to start working on the marriage. I know it may be counterintuitive to what you think, but the problem is her affair. She's like an addict and cannot quit. You need to help her quit, and the way to do that is to expose the affair to the consequences, to make it not a viable alternative. Sure, this will piss her off, but she's not going to leave you for pissing her off, she's going to leave you because she is addicted to the OM. Once you get NC established and the addiction is over, you can rebuild your marriage again.

At one time or another, all of us BSs here exposed, endured the fury of a WW scorned, but still recovered our marriages. Most of us BSs here had to be talked into exposure and had reservations about it. Trust us, it works. My WW's affair was over 5 days after exposure.

You sound like you're still blaming yourself quite a bit. If her issues were so bothersome and real, she could have discussed them with you, rather than go out and have her needs met by someone else. This isn't your fault.

Sorry you're here under these circumstances, bear, but you've come to the right place. You are in a good position to save your M (marriage). Here's what you need to understand and do:

1. Your WW (wayward wife) is still having an A (affair). She wouldn't be moving into an apartment otherwise. She is moving into the apartment so she can pretend to be single and have ample time and space for the OM (other man.)

2. Believe nothing that she says. The A has not ended. It didn't happen 'just once'. You will need to start doing some military-grade snooping to determine positively who this OM is, and expose him to his employer, family and friends. DO NOT tell your WW you are doing this! Exposure has to happen without warning.

3. Yes, your WW may lose her job. Yes, OM may lose his job. As far as she goes, would you rather SHE lost her job, or YOU lose your M? As far as HE goes - who cares!

4. Your top exposure target needs to be his wife. This is critical. So critical, in fact, that that one exposure will more than likely be the one that kills the A. Having said that, you still need to expose to their employer.

Face it, bear. They can't work together. Ever. Never. The A will continue as long as they are in contact, and that includes occasionally bumping into one another. Complete separation is key.

Oh, and - the father/alcohol thing? And the thingy with you not meeting her needs? Don't muddy the waters with this entitlement garbage. And don't EVER blame yourself for your WW's A! Your WW is having an A because she has poor boundaries. You need to kill this A NOW and then the two of you can work on both of your boundaries in order to affair-proof your M.

1. Maybe I'm too trustworthy. But I really don't believe this. She is giving me a key to her apartment so I can come over anytime. Of course, she could still be leaving to go somewhere else...

2. Not sure how I would go about doing this. Like I said, there are thousands of people that she works with. I have contacted one of her female co-workers, and she has not seen my wife acting differently or talking to anyone out of the ordinary.

3. I could care less about the other guy. But if my wife loses her job, we can't support our child. We need the income. Believe me, I understand the importance of breaking off all ties with those two, but having her get fired just seems wrong on so many levels. It wouldn't just hurt her, it would also hurt me and our daughter. Which sounds lame even as I type it.

4. If I ever find out who it is, I will be contacting his wife.

How would a DIVORCE hurt you and your daughter? How would living in TWO SEPARATE homes HELP you?

Hey bear.

She moved out to make herself MORE AVAILABLE to OM.

OM's wife needs to know.

She will not get over him until there is iron-clad NC in place. Without it, recovery cannot begin to happen.

Listen to bliss, too. Those are four key, key points....

TB

Well, I've got a lot to think about now. Thanks everyone.

I also think I'm going to need to talk to my pastor and counselor about all of this before I actually go and do it.

Look, bear, I don't mean to handle you roughly, so don't take my post that way, okay?

Here's the thing. You've just landed here at MB, bruised and bloodied over this terrible affair. You're going to hear things that will forever change the way you look at marriage. And THAT'S A GOOD THING. Listen closely to what we post, even when it sounds counter-intuitive.

Some points:
1. There should be no hidden things in a marriage. No passwords, no secret email or cell phone accounts, no separate facebook accounts, so 'private' friends, no separate financial accounts. For both of you. This is called transparency. One of the reasons your WW is able to conduct this affair is because she was able to lead a secret life that was beyond your scrutiny. This will not work going forward, so get comfortable with the concept.

2. You will do your marriage NO FAVORS if you help your WW keep this terrible thing a secret! The only thing that will do is keep the affair going. Affairs need secrecy and darkness in order to thrive. They are like an addiction. Addictions are difficult to maintain when your loved ones and respected friends/employers are scrutinizing you and are critical of what they see. That is why exposure is so effective.

3. You are going to have to be creative and find out who this person is. Don't wait for your WW to hand you his name and number and the best time to reach his poor, unsuspecting wife. You'll have to do this! Hire a PI! Watch her when she comes out of work! Think, bear!

4. You are in a war for your marriage, sir. Are you going to crawl in a foxhole and pull the dirt over yourself? Or are you going to climb in the tank and fire it up?

Bear, you need to listen to & act on everything maritalbliss & jmwc have advised. It's all laser-accurate, on-target.

My perspective: I had an affair on my wife, with another married woman. What gave me the guts to end it was when her husband snooped on her & found her out. (Prior to that, I had beaucoups regrets, but I was plenty hooked-enough on the other woman's attention to be happy to go along with "saving my cake & eating it too.") Exposure to the other person's spouse is the #1 thing you should be looking to do. Snoop until you find who it is, then expose, and don't tell your wife what you're up to. There's lots of snooping advice on these boards. But all of it will be more difficult to implement once she moves out!

Yes, what you typed IS lame, but more to the point, it shows you don't understand: You NEED to get her (or the other man) out of that job, so that they have no ongoing contact, if you want to have a prospect of ending the affair & saving your marriage. You think a divorce won't hurt your daughter? You think her getting fired is more wrong that her having an affair with a co-worker? Basically, from what you typed, it sounds like, rather than seeing her lose her job but keeping alive the prospect of saving your marriage, you'd rather see her move into her love-shack [& make no mistake, that's what it'll be] as long as you hang on to a piece of her income... wouldn't that be kind of like you'd be pimping her out? Do you want to be her husband, or her pimp? Do you want her, or just her cash? (And if you wanna know where that cash'll be going, take a look at what divorce lawyers charge. HeLLO: You ain't gonna see any of that cash anyway!) Sorry if this sounds harsh - it's not meant to be. I know you're hurting. But you came for advice, so this is the best I can do.

I'm sorry you're in this spot, man. Remember, the strains in your marriage may have many causes, but her adultery was HER choice alone and is in no way your fault. You can work on those strains later, but first you have to break up the affair, by busting up the secrecy that enables it to continue. When her little fantasy-world comes crashing down because the other man counts up his chips (as he may well do -- as I did) and concludes (as he might) that his current marriage is the one he wants to fight for, then your wife might start to de-fog a bit -- and then YOUR marriage might have a fighting chance.

Good, bear. Read here and learn while you're at it. This was all totally off the wall to me in the beginning. It flew in the face of everything I ever thought marriage should be. I thought it should be about mutual love and respect. I thought we could keep running our lives as we always had, with the bonus of being together in our 'off' hours and being able to sleep together at night. I never thought we'd have to go through hard times. I never thought we would neglect each other. And I NEVER thought my H would have an affair. With a co-worker.

But. Life happens. And he did. And you know what ended the affair? EXPOSURE TO THEIR EMPLOYER AND ME. The affair ended THAT DAY. That was after months of wimpy-assed pleading and Exposure Lite by her husband, which only drove the A further underground. When he finally manned-up and exposed the A folded like a tent.

I think it's great that you're receiving counselling from your pastor. Understand, though - he may want to cousel with your WW, which is great on the face of it. Maybe that'll clear her fog, bear. I'd like to think it will be that easy - that she'll see the light and mend her erring ways. It more than likely will be another form of Exposure Lite. She'll be embarrassed, still in contact with her AP, and will go further underground. All the while spinning her version of what's 'wrong' with your M to your pastor.

1) You are definitely being naive. The sexual relationship will only escalate once she moves out.

2) Write and send a certified letter to her boss, OM's boss, the site HR manager, and corporate HR.

3) If you spend money on a divorce it will cost you a lot more than her losing her job. Besides, they won't lose their job. If anything, they might move them to different areas where they won't work together and they won't feel comfortable talking to each other around the office anymore knowing people are watching them. It kills the fantasy of the affair. It will start feeling "dirty" if her employer knows.

4) For $50 you can find everything you need to know on the OM. Go to now_what's thread and ask who his PI is. He looked up OM's info in a day for only $55, and that included contact and family information. It's quite easy.

Looked for his thread, can't find it.

I just bumped his thread to the top of the page and told him to hook you up with the info.

Hi B37,
Apologies for not responding earlier, I haven't had access to a CPU since Friday..

I hired a PI out of central IL. All I knew was the OM's first and last name, the city he lived in, and he gave me all the public info for my WW's OM, known family, current and previous addresses, phone numbers associated with those people, criminal record, driver license and registration info. My PI charged me $60.00 for this and drove it 30miles to me the next day. I gave him $75.00 for his work.

I don't know your location but I would imagine that this PI could do the same work and go to kinko's and fax or email it to you.

PI info:
Mr J's Investigation & Security
309-636-8830

I hope this helps. I had good luck w/a GPS and VAR also. I know everything I care to now.